Wife doesn't love me anymore

FBaby

I think your analysis of the situation is spot on and you are approaching it in the most sensible way.

Working FT (or almost so) and looking after two young kids is exhausting for couple. Most get through it because they are too exhausted to start thinking about what they are missing, they just get on with it, one day at a time. I agree with you that you having a good time was probably a trigger to your wife suddenly realising that she had forgotten to have fun and made everything come out. She is now back into exhausted, not analysing mode, hence not wanting to talk about the situation.

In many ways, this wouldn't be so concerning and all that needed was indeed trying to include some quality time together and intimacy, if only to sit together on the sofa, playing with her hair, her cuddled up to you, that kind of thing. Then it could become a 'can you believe how knackered we were then, I can't believe we made it through' moment in a few years time.

However, the alarm bells in your case is her saying she doesn't love you any longer. It could be that this is caused by the distance that your everyday life has put between you, which could be rekindled, but unfortunately, most likely is her realising that the feelings are truly dead, which is actually one of the catalysts of the distance that gradually step between you. Maybe this was triggered by your distancing yourself as part of the depression.

I think you are right to give another go, but being realistic that however much you try to rekindle her love, it might just not happen and you will then have to decide if you are happy in such a marriage.

Scorpio33

justme111 wrote: »

Others said the same I said just more eloquently and gently.
To add - do not make a song and dance about "romantic night". Simply watching something on TV that you both enjoy together is bonding experience. You can not think of anything ? Then you have your answer of why she wants out.
That is if you are for real trying to put work into relationship. The fact that you in one post say you enjoy good standard of living and I'm another say "funds are limited" makes me doubt your insight. It feels like "funds are limited" when the topic is spending money on time together but "we live well" when the topic is how good provider you are.

Thank you!!!

I guess my head is a bit of a mess at the moment. You have also probably just showed my one example of why my with and I struggle with communication - as I don't always say things in the right way.

In terms of funds, I earn a good wage and with my wife's income, we spend that on a nice house, holidays, festivals, TV, broadband, time out with friends and childcare. On top of those and the usual household bills, there is little extra left. I guess it then comes down to where our priorities lie. Both of us are guilty of wanting to spend time (&money) with friends over us as a couple. That needs to change. So when I said we have a good standard of living, we do. Its just we don't have extra money left over for extra things in life and things are tight. So it does then come a matter of priorities - sacrificing a night out with friends or reducing our tv package in favour of a few nights out together is exactly what we should be doing.

I can think of lots of things that we can do together, my concern is that it will be what I want. I guess I am scared of taking ownership of the whole thing through fear of not doing right. I don't want to be rejected. I need to learn that just the mere attempt of making an effort is what matters more than the actual activity.

As I said, keep the feedback coming, I am learning more about myself and the relationship and it helps me to get my head straight.

Scorpio33

FBaby wrote: »

I think your analysis of the situation is spot on and you are approaching it in the most sensible way.

Working FT (or almost so) and looking after two young kids is exhausting for couple. Most get through it because they are too exhausted to start thinking about what they are missing, they just get on with it, one day at a time. I agree with you that you having a good time was probably a trigger to your wife suddenly realising that she had forgotten to have fun and made everything come out. She is now back into exhausted, not analysing mode, hence not wanting to talk about the situation.

In many ways, this wouldn't be so concerning and all that needed was indeed trying to include some quality time together and intimacy, if only to sit together on the sofa, playing with her hair, her cuddled up to you, that kind of thing. Then it could become a 'can you believe how knackered we were then, I can't believe we made it through' moment in a few years time.

However, the alarm bells in your case is her saying she doesn't love you any longer. It could be that this is caused by the distance that your everyday life has put between you, which could be rekindled, but unfortunately, most likely is her realising that the feelings are truly dead, which is actually one of the catalysts of the distance that gradually step between you. Maybe this was triggered by your distancing yourself as part of the depression.

I think you are right to give another go, but being realistic that however much you try to rekindle her love, it might just not happen and you will then have to decide if you are happy in such a marriage.

Agreed,

All I want is to know that we have both given it our best and if it gets to the stage where the marriage is over, then so be it, as long as it is amicable. I also know that being in a relationship that is bad is worse for everyone (especially the kids) than both being apart, but happy.

I just want to be sure I am doing everything I can to make this relationship work.

DavidP24

Scorpio33 wrote: »

Hello.

I'm 37, married with 2 kids.

Last year, I was having a bad time with work, I was difficult to live with and my relationship was suffering due to the job. I ended up quitting my job and was in counselling for a while. I finished the counselling and since the turn of the year, things have been getting a lot better, I have been a lot happier and my wife and are are talking a lot more and things with my wife have improved... until last weekend.

We went round a friends house had a fantastic time (the best time I think we have had in ages), but when we got home (Gone midnight), my wife told me she didn't love me. She said she hasn't loved me for a long time, since before we were married and she only stayed with me as she knew I was her only chance of having kids and she wanted kids. She also said that i'm her best friend but there is no romantic attraction there. I said to her that I want her to be happy, even if that means splitting up and she said she didn't want to split up. She wants to stay. I Love her with all my heart and would do anything for her.

I am doing ok, but this is a big emotional blow and I really don't know how to move forward and how to "fix" this. I feel a bit lost again.

I suggested counselling, and she is against that idea.

I guess that now she said what she did, I can see how our relationship has not been good for a while for a variety of reasons (IVF, redundancy, career issues, new kids etc), and I can see how there are issues in the relationship that need working on. We need more intimacy together and I think I am now in a position to improve things, but I don't know how.

I think I am still in emotional shock about it all and I am worried that my wife has emotionally checked out and this is just the beginning of the end. The thing is I can't change who I am and I want us both to be happy. I really Love her, she makes me happy just by being herself. I want to improve things and I don't know how.

The thing is, if I suggest more date nights, I do more housework and look after the kids more, is that me doing it just because she said something. As in, once things are better, I will revert to type and be myself again, only to disappoint her again? I can't believe that I am even talking about such issues in our relationship, as I never thought for a million years that things were that bad. To me, it is just part of life that all relationships have there ups and downs and we do need more ups, but that to me never meant that any Love was lost.

I feel confused, sad, lost and just don't know what to do.

Gosh, that must have been like being hit by a train.

You have two routes; try to salvage a marriage with someone who has admitted they used you for their own needs. IVF is not cheap and I imagine that she is pretty dependent on you. So you can try to revive the relationship, read books like relationship rescue, go to relate etc etc.

Or you can realise that you deserve to be happy, she can't unsay those things and how could you ever trust her again. Relationships are build on mutual trust and respect, so it is only a matter of time before you feel totally used.

I would get her to Relate but with a view to separate amicably.

You are 37, the years will pass quickly, there is no reason why you can't be a good father, giving generous support but having the love of a good woman, who loves you as much as you do them.

milliemonster

Can I just say, I have been in your wife's shoes to some extent, in that when our children were very young I felt a lot of resentment towards my husband, I can remember (shamefully) telling him I didn't love him, wanted him out, wanted a divorce etc etc, but he never gave up on me, and when I look back now, much of it was my own issues, I found it hard with 2 young children, working shifts, running a home, little money, debts etc etc, the usual stuff and found we didn't have much of a relationship because our relationship was at the bottom of the list of priorities.

Now it's not easy to make your relationship a high priority, it's easy for people to say take time out for yourselves etc, but it isn't always an option.

But I am so grateful my husband never gave up on me, our kids are now 18 and 14 and more or less independent, and I absolutely adore him, he is my best friend, the love of my life and our relationship has never been better.

What stopped me leaving him all those years ago was asking myself 'could I live without him in my life' and 'would I be happy to see him with someone else' and I knew the answer to those questions were no, I suspect your wife has asked herself the same questions which is why despite her anger and frustration towards you, she has said she wants you to stay together regardless.

I am not suggesting you stay together until your children are grown up, but giving yourselves some time, a few months at least will enable you both to be a little more certain in your minds how you feel. But your wife needs to understand that having children takes a massive toll on any relationship while they are young, and sometimes you just have to keep fighting your way through until you come out the other side

good luck!

Scorpio33

milliemonster wrote: »

Can I just say, I have been in your wife's shoes to some extent, in that when our children were very young I felt a lot of resentment towards my husband, I can remember (shamefully) telling him I didn't love him, wanted him out, wanted a divorce etc etc, but he never gave up on me, and when I look back now, much of it was my own issues, I found it hard with 2 young children, working shifts, running a home, little money, debts etc etc, the usual stuff and found we didn't have much of a relationship because our relationship was at the bottom of the list of priorities.

Now it's not easy to make your relationship a high priority, it's easy for people to say take time out for yourselves etc, but it isn't always an option.

But I am so grateful my husband never gave up on me, our kids are now 18 and 14 and more or less independent, and I absolutely adore him, he is my best friend, the love of my life and our relationship has never been better.

What stopped me leaving him all those years ago was asking myself 'could I live without him in my life' and 'would I be happy to see him with someone else' and I knew the answer to those questions were no, I suspect your wife has asked herself the same questions which is why despite her anger and frustration towards you, she has said she wants you to stay together regardless.

I am not suggesting you stay together until your children are grown up, but giving yourselves some time, a few months at least will enable you both to be a little more certain in your minds how you feel. But your wife needs to understand that having children takes a massive toll on any relationship while they are young, and sometimes you just have to keep fighting your way through until you come out the other side

good luck!

I can't thank you enough for this post!

I am definitely going to give it time and reassess where we are. My wife is coming up to 40 as well and usually when that happens (milestone birthdays), people do reassess their life and search out their "old" life and what they have been missing out on. With a young family, 2 young kids as well as us both not putting in the effort, it is clear why there are issues.

I hope that my wife does love me deep down, but doesn't realise it at the moment.

The only thing that keeps coming back to me is that I suspect she has cheated on me. I have no proof, and if she has cheated, she would never admit it, but the suspicion is there. I need to learn to deal with that and either get proof and confront her or find ways of moving on. I think with putting efforts into the relationship gives me something to concentrate on and if things improve, any concerns would fade away. In the mean time, I need to be on my guard more.

So lets give it a few months, see how things go and then my wife and I need another chat.

justme111

So you had a few years of mental health issues , your wife was bound to have had a very hard life for that time , your sex life was dead , she likely had a lion share of housework with you "helping", she told you she did not love you and wanted out and the only thing that comes to haunt you is a possibility that she has had extramarital sex ? You care less about what she feels than who she might have had sex with.

What would you expect to be the purpose and outcome of "confronting her" with proves of infidelity ?

You making all the right noises about making an effort and saving family , you staying nice and polite and appreciative in this thread but it feels to me it is likely that the core feeling in you is how to make the trouble go away instead of having a good look into your shortcomings and really consider your wife's feelings. Have you noticed you skirted around the chores "help" and likely unequally distributed load in your household that many posters commented on?

Scorpio33

justme111 wrote: »

So you had a few years of mental health issues , your wife was bound to have had a very hard life for that time , your sex life was dead , she likely had a lion share of housework with you "helping", she told you she did not love you and wanted out and the only thing that comes to haunt you is a possibility that she has had extramarital sex ? You care less about what she feels than who she might have had sex with.

What would you expect to be the purpose and outcome of "confronting her" with proves of infidelity ?

You making all the right noises about making an effort and saving family , you staying nice and polite and appreciative in this thread but it feels to me it is likely that the core feeling in you is how to make the trouble go away instead of having a good look into your shortcomings and really consider your wife's feelings. Have you noticed you skirted around the chores "help" and likely unequally distributed load in your household that many posters commented on?

Your post has given me a lot to think about.

I know I need to do more housework. I did think that I am already doing a lot of housework, but now can understand that we are a team and it needs sharing 50/50. I haven't mentioned it until now as many of the issues I have had is due to me hating myself and never standing up for what I want and never realising how great I really am. It is only in the last couple of months I have realised this and I don't want to slip back into hating myself. I also wanted a balanced view on things. I didn't want this to turn into a thread bashing me and focusing on my shortcomings.

My wife gets home before me 3 days of the week. On those days, she picks up the kids and cooks dinner for when I get home. On the other two, I pick up the kids and give them dinner as my wife is back later. Every day, I will bath the kids an we then both put the kids to bed (taking it in turns as to who puts who to bed). On the two days my wife is home late, after the kids are in bed, I'll cook on one day, she would cook on the other. I sometimes put the washing machine on (I know not enough) and I will always clean the kitchen and pack away after dinner. I also will do any DIY and gardening that needs doing. She will do the ironing (I have tried doing this, but I am hopeless at it). She orders the shopping for delivery and I will pick up the odd bits and pieces we need at lunch when I am at work. At weekends, we are generally busy, but if we are not my wife cooks. I know I need to do more of the cooking and weekends seems a good place to start. If my wife is tidying around I will make sure the kids stay out of her way.

I also need to learn to respect my wife more. I unconsciously show behavior that makes my wife feel like I don't respect her. For example, talking down to her and admiring other women when I'm around her. At the time I don't even realise I am doing it, but I know that is no excuse. This needs to stop I know, so any advice here you can give, please let me know as it is very difficult to break old habits. I am a quite sarcastic person and I am like this way to everyone, not just my wife and I know I need to change.

From my perspective, I would like my wife to show me more affection and we need to have more intimacy. I am not talking about sex here, I am talking about words, holding hands, hugging, kissing, getting closer together and knowing the ins and outs of each other. I have asked my wife about this and she has said that she is not naturally an affectionate person and doesn't think she will ever be the person I want her to be. To me that sounds like she simply wants me to change, but is unwilling herself. I hope that I am wrong.
The other big thing I would like my wife to realise that I am not a mind ready. I am a very literal person and unless things are said to me, I most likely won't realise what is going on. I would love for her to open up to me more and for her to be more honest to me.

DavidP24

Sorry but you being a carpet will only get you walked all over

Your wife will not rediscover the respect & trust if you are not someone she can look up to

There IS a communications problem, the issue is whether too much water has passed under the bridge for her or for you.

You are blaming yourself so clearly not but for her it maybe and you have to accept that.

She will respect you more if you say that you understand how she is feeling but if she does not want to go to relate then you will have to accept that the relationship is over and make plans for a new life without her.

Tell her that is not what you want as you still care for her deeply but if she is not prepared to invest in the relationship then it is only a matter of time before it breaks up anyway, better to do it in a non blaming and organised way.

Relate is the way to go, if she will not co-operate then it is time to cut your losses and move on.

It will be hard but it will destroy your soul to be in a loveless marriage and everyone deserves to be loved and happy.

You have experienced loss, you are now going through stages of bereavement, Shock, Denial, Negotiation, anger, sorrow, depression, acceptance.

Currently in denial and negotiation

It takes two to make a relationship

You have said that she has used you, does not love you and you want to think she does, well sorry you can't make someone feel the way YOU WANT them to feel.

You are where you are, give her the chance to rescue the relationship with relate, if not move on.

justme111

If your wife started a thread describing difficulties she is in I would have pointed how she could have contributed to those difficulties. We would not analyse other person , just the original poster because he/she is one asking for help. For all I know your wife might have done a zillion things wrong but here we concentrating on you because we talking to you , not her. It is not "bashing".
Likely both you and her are perfectly all right people , similar to us other posters on here. Your circumstances are difficult so would be difficult for any. I believe IVF families have high rate of failure , on top of it young children and your depression - very difficult.
Anyway I am honoured my post made you think.
Re sarcasm- can not advise anything as it is personal and what you call sarcasm someone else might call negativity and some other not even but an eyelid on. If your wife doesn't like it then you better have an honest look at it. In the end you both are entitled to be what you are , if you incompatible you go your separate ways and that is it. If you want to avoid it then changes may need to be made.
Re praising other women - again , taken out of context it says nothing. I praise both women and men in my conversations with my partner, the same as I would do to a movie or sculpture or flower . May be the issue is not you paying attention to others but not paying attention to her ..
Talking down to her - well , changing one's mindset may be as difficult as drugging yourself out of the mud by pulling yourself by your hair.. It looks like it is a way you interact with the world when you do not intend to show your best face. You may not be able to do anything with it as I reckon it may require superhuman strength.. Certainly you are able to interact without doing it. Here you appear to be quite coherent polite and civilised. So may be you will want to check your interactions and acknowledge you are not like that to all so you can control it. May be just making sure that your wife knows how you appreciate her tolerating you and apologise and ridicule your own attitude every now and again. Women are soft , if apologies are heartfelt we can forgive a lot.
Re her claiming she is not affectionate - that is brushing you off most likely. But you can not demand change. The good thing is that when you change she will respond. Change is initiated not by pressure but by example and creating different circumstances. Present ones result in her being offish, create new ones. People are very good to respond to changed behaviour , to approval , to good humour and no pressure, specially women.
Re mind reader - common gripe of men with women. Not sure you will magic a resolution to what the whole humanity is battling with:D. Just one observation - often women get upset because men do not do what should be done in women's opinion without asking. If she carries a heavy shopping bag and you walk empty-handed she really should not have to ask for help. If during sex you orgasm and she does not she really should not have to ask for something to be changed in the way you make love. Because you not noticing it or not taking trouble to deal with it without prompting shows her that you two are not in tune(or you are selfish) so there is no point in asking because the outcome she wants for you two being in tune and you not being selfish.