Wife doesn't love me anymore

leespot

Scorpio33 wrote: »

I defo think now is not the time to leave and is the time to invest more into the relationship.

I need to think about what I want, and what that is to make sure I do anything in my power to make this a happy relationship for me, my wife and my kids.

I like the suggestion that the brief fun we had made my wife realise how humdrum the relationship was the rest of the time and is a wake up call to both of us not putting in the effort.

I know it is not an excuse, but life is about priorities. With a stressful job, kids and whatever else life throws at us, our relationship has taken a back seat and we defo need to invest more time on each other.

Taking her to a hotel will only make her think I am after s*x and I don't think that's the way to go.

The only thing I can think of is more date nights (out or in), where we have a nice meal and maybe enjoy each others company more.

Keep the feedback coming guys, it is all helpful.

Sex is much more than just a physical thing - it's a bond between two people, an intimacy that nobody else is part of. It will play a part in any future you have together. Sex will be a part of your future if you stay together, and knowing your partner still wants you in that way is also (usually) nice to know. It's a closeness that I think is needed in a relationship.

You say that sort of thing has taken a back seat with all of the stresses, and I can see why - it happens all the time. You have the chance to make a change, you want to make a change, go for it - good luck, hope it works out.

Starrystarrynight1

I feel so awful for saying it, but having read that your wife said she didn't ever love you and just wanted kids, it sounds as if she has used you, and still is, as a provider. Maybe she doesn't want to split as she has an otherwise nice life.

You seem like a good man who is very loving & thoughtful and I think that you deserve more than being married to a woman who doesn't feel about you the way you feel about her. Can you live the rest of your life in a loveless marriage? I know you have young children now, but she might meet someone else at any time, and your kids will grow up and move away, leaving just the two of you living like housemates.

I apologise if what I've written has been hurtful and I genuinely do hope that things work out as you hope. Sending best wishes to you.

System

I wouldnt say " i dont love you" drunk or sober unless i meant it... and yes ive been hammered a few times.

Fosterdog

I don't think you need date nights as such, at least not yet. Start of with little things, like you already said help more around the house, you said you gave up work, are you still out of work? Do you provide the childcare? Do you do the majority of the housework? If you don't then at least until you get a job you should.

Make her favourite meal more often. Make her a cup of tea/coffee. Have a candle lit bath and a glass of wine ready for when she gets home from work. Get the kids involved by doing drawings and paintings with them, at those ages they'll love doing family pictures. Help them to make a cake, cupcakes or biscuits with some specially decorated for her. Show support and encourage her hobbies and interests. A foot rub while you watch TV. If a song you both like comes on the radio drop what you are doing and dance with her, it's free and takes 2 minutes, get the kids involved as a family dance if they are there, awake and needing attention, then go back to whatever you were doing, you could even send the request in yourself to the radio station. Get out your wedding photos or video and reminisce together. Start a scrapbook of your lives together. Go for a walk and hold hands. They are all simple things that will take minimal effort but can have a huge impact.

Before thinking about sex you need to improve your intimacy in other ways, not everything has to lead to sex, the chances are as intimacy and romance improves she will initiate things further when she is ready or at least in a few months of small changes she should be more ready to talk things through again.

It's also important to remember that there is a difference between loving someone and being in love with them. She has already said that you are her best friend so even if you can't save your marriage and bring back the romance, remaining friends with the mother of your children and caring deeply for her is important and by doing the little things to improve your relationship now could be the difference between an amicable split where you remain close and still raise your children together (although apart) and tearing the family apart with bitterness and hatred.

Scorpio33

Fosterdog wrote: »

I don't think you need date nights as such, at least not yet. Start of with little things, like you already said help more around the house, you said you gave up work, are you still out of work? Do you provide the childcare? Do you do the majority of the housework? If you don't then at least until you get a job you should.

Make her favourite meal more often. Make her a cup of tea/coffee. Have a candle lit bath and a glass of wine ready for when she gets home from work. Get the kids involved by doing drawings and paintings with them, at those ages they'll love doing family pictures. Help them to make a cake, cupcakes or biscuits with some specially decorated for her. Show support and encourage her hobbies and interests. A foot rub while you watch TV. If a song you both like comes on the radio drop what you are doing and dance with her, it's free and takes 2 minutes, get the kids involved as a family dance if they are there, awake and needing attention, then go back to whatever you were doing, you could even send the request in yourself to the radio station. Get out your wedding photos or video and reminisce together. Start a scrapbook of your lives together. Go for a walk and hold hands. They are all simple things that will take minimal effort but can have a huge impact.

Before thinking about sex you need to improve your intimacy in other ways, not everything has to lead to sex, the chances are as intimacy and romance improves she will initiate things further when she is ready or at least in a few months of small changes she should be more ready to talk things through again.

It's also important to remember that there is a difference between loving someone and being in love with them. She has already said that you are her best friend so even if you can't save your marriage and bring back the romance, remaining friends with the mother of your children and caring deeply for her is important and by doing the little things to improve your relationship now could be the difference between an amicable split where you remain close and still raise your children together (although apart) and tearing the family apart with bitterness and hatred.

Thank you, that is such good advice.

I am working, I work full time and I am the main breadwinner. Actually my career and new job are fantastic. I also earn a decent wage, so we do have a good standard of living. She works four days a week, but still does the majority of the housework. I help wherever I can, but with 2 young kids it is difficult.

I like the idea of doing things with the kids for her and it is the simple things and perhaps I need to think of more things like this to do.

hazyjo

Scorpio33 wrote: »

She works four days a week, but still does the majority of the housework. I help wherever I can, but with 2 young kids it is difficult.

Why is it any easier for her?


With only one day off a week, I'd still be splitting most of it 50/50 - unless she has several more hours at home before you get back.


Take on (fair) roles each. Does she cook every night too? Maybe you could cook on a weekend if so.


Do you do much as a family? It's important to have alone time yes, but so many people let their kids do their own thing and don't all do things together. Go to the seaside, the zoo, playground, a theme park, whatever. Do you have holidays as a family?


Jx

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Well done on letting her tell you her feelings.

You've said that she's worn out from the last couple of years and feels like you've just added to her stress. Now is not the time to say that she must have been at fault as well.


Why is she doing almost all the housework? If it's difficult with two small children for you, it's not going to be easy for her either. Why are you 'helping'? Surely you should have been doing all of it whilst you were not working anyway? (Note: taking the children out of the way to play with whilst she scrubs the kitchen floor is not helping - it's doing the fun things whilst she does all the work).

Does she get up during the night to see to the children? Has she had an unbroken night's sleep recently? Was she getting up to them and then going on to work in the knowledge that you'd be able to catch up on sleep throughout the day?


I am not accusing you of deliberately doing anything to upset her, but she did not have severe depression - she had to cope with it throughout, though. How were her emotional needs being met in that time? I suspect they weren't - and she then had to do all the practical and physical coping as well. That certainly wasn't her fault. (I know it's not your fault either, but really, I can't emphasise enough how it affects the other people).


Depression is a selfish disease. Not only because it is so horrible for the sufferer, but because it makes them withdraw from supporting everybody around them. It's not like a broken leg, where somebody can still limp around and do things that don't require sprinting, is still there for everybody else at the end of the day and can grab a pair of crutches and still join in, smiling. Instead, you're absent even when you're physically there. You're not interested, can't deal with anything, don't join in, don't support anybody else, you're just buried in a pit of your own misery. It's an inherent part of the illness that it makes everything All About You and your feelings.


If things are improving for you, they haven't necessarily improved anywhere near as much for her yet. You can feel the cloud lifting - she doesn't get that relief. She's still processing how bad things have been for her, the children and still coping with everything else - no cloud has lifted for her.

It's common for partners of people with depression to end up with it themselves as a result of the long term stress, worry and demands that have been placed upon them, especially as they might not feel 'allowed' to have those emotions. It's a reactive depression, they've had to shut down their emotions, frustrations and fears just to keep going.

You've had counselling, time off from everything except your illness and completely changed your job, so I think things have improved for you because you've had the control and completely changed your situation. Her jobs - Mum, wife, worker, cook, cleaner, carer - her situation - hasn't. She's not had the power to control anything. She's had to carry on regardless. And, even though she knows that you've been ill, she probably resents the illness, the stress and possibly, despite feeling guilty about it, you.



Please do not think I'm having a go at you, but I don't think you can comprehend how devastating and traumatic your illness has been for her. Trust me when I say that encouraging her to go for counselling when she's needed to tell you what your illness has done to her and the children, but swallowed it back every time for fear of the consequences, isn't going to help.

Purely unintentionally, you have hurt her deeply. Let her see that you are there for her, that you are trying to understand what she has gone through, that it's not all about you anymore. And maybe this will heal and you'll be stronger than you ever were before - even if not, that communication over the time you're making proper effort to do so, will improve your ongoing relationship as parents, whatever happens. And as your depression has taken time to lift, this will take time.


I wish you both the best.

justme111

Scorpio33 wrote: »

I help wherever I can, but with 2 young kids it is difficult.

.

So it is difficult for you to help her because you have 2 young kids? Do you spend more time than her looking after children then?
Or you both work and then you "help her" with housework and children ?
I noticed you said she works one less day a week than you do , ie 20% less. Do you do just 20% less housework and children time than she does ? I bet more likely you doing it about 80%less if that judging by your use of a word "help" as if it was HER responsibility in which you HELPED so thoughtfully.
Think about it.

tea_lover

This may seem like a really trivial point but please don't tell her you're 'helping' with the housework! These are not her chores which you graciously help her out with if you fancy it - these are the shared responsibilities of being a family together.

For now, I'd forget about the hotels, roses, etc. Do the practical things that show her you care and you're listening. Plan the meals for the week, go food shopping, cook - without asking her for a list, or where the saucepans are kept, or what temperature the oven needs to be. Clean the house. Get up in the night for the kids. Make her a cup of tea. Ask her about her day and pay attention to her responses.

I'm not saying you don't do these things now of course, and I'm not saying it should all be one-sided. But chances are, over the last few years the majority of the admin of life has fallen on her - now you're feeling better it's time to show that you're more than happy to pull your weight and work together.

It's the little things that make the difference. The most romantic getaway in the world won't erase the bitterness from knowing your partner hasn't so much as put the bin out in the last four years (I'm speaking from experience there )

Good luck with it all

justme111

Others said the same I said just more eloquently and gently.
To add - do not make a song and dance about "romantic night". Simply watching something on TV that you both enjoy together is bonding experience. You can not think of anything ? Then you have your answer of why she wants out.
That is if you are for real trying to put work into relationship. The fact that you in one post say you enjoy good standard of living and I'm another say "funds are limited" makes me doubt your insight. It feels like "funds are limited" when the topic is spending money on time together but "we live well" when the topic is how good provider you are.