Wife doesn't love me anymore

DavidP24

FBaby wrote: »

I do agree with you David because I know some women who are doing exactly what you describe. One of our colleagues is the perfect example. Not a day go by she doesn't moan about her husband. He doesn't do this, he doesn't do that, he has disgusting habits, he bores her with his conversation, he falls asleep with his mouth opened in front of the TV which is highly unattractive, she is only intimate with him because that keeps him from pestering her for sex, and she has admitted that she doesn't love him but when asked why she stays with him, she giggles and says that he brings her comfort, companionship, he is good with the kids, and she rather that life than being a single mum and having little to enjoy or worse, having to work FT.

I really hope that this not the case for Scorpio's wife, but yes, such women do exist and I suspect there are more around, especially in middle class families than we believe.

I suspect you are right,

There is a word for such women.....Leech

Oh and there are male leeches too, heard about several on these very forums.

It must be sad, but also for the kids

If you grow up in a loveless marriage what barometer do you have for a good relationship when you grow up?

It is better for kids to see parents split and understand that they were not well suited.

I think there are some women who have a biological clock that pushes them into 5th gear, often around 27 years of age in my experience anyway. At this point they seem to "settle" which is fine if you decide to commit to someone and expect the same in return.

I do not know what all these excuses are that are being made for her, looked after hubby etc, I suspect that actually it is a factor when her lost of respect and trust came in.

What I wonder is what was her motive in telling him, if she does not want to go to Relate then I can only think she was repulsed so much that she said it to stop him having expectations in bed,

You can't unsay things in a relationship, OP may not realise it but underneath, I doubt he will ever trust her again.

Time to move on. Of course easier to say than do but no point putting it off any longer, she never loved him, married him for selfish reasons.

As for the friend at work, she needs to tell the hubby not the work mates!

Poor sod probably has sleep apnea

justme111

David , your imagination is running really wild there ..

breaking_free

Hi again Scorpio33.

You've asked for advice so I'm going to post this link in the hope that it might give you some 'Aha' moments. https://mustbethistalltoride.com/an-open-letter-to-!!!!!!-husbands/

To DavidP24, I don't disagree with all you've said, not by a long shot, but as another poster pointed out the OP's wife isn't posting on here so we can only work with what he's telling us.

Scorpio33, I wish you all the best.

DavidP24

That's right no partner to post, but we have to take OP on his word, he is clearly devastated, already blaming himself.

We can't assume he lied about what she said, it is not the sort of thing you make up.

Just because one person is selfish and has no values does not mean that there is not a lovely person out there for OP, someone who deserves all he has to give.

If the partner wants to come on here or any other site I am sure she will get supportive advice.

Thanks for the link

"I didn’t respect my wife’s thoughts and feelings about things I mistakenly believed didn’t matter. "

I think it has nothing to do with respecting her thoughts and feelings about things.

She lost those expectations when she built her family on a false promise.

She was also a fool to herself and to her children, of course she will love them to bits and they will survive, most kids do, but based on what OP said, for me it is unforgivable. Those are my values, obviously others may have their own. I am not perfect my any means, nobody is, some are disrespectful, some have no self respect, some sleep around, however, it is all about intent.

justme111

David , you sound so righteous as if you had monopoly on definition of what motives are good for marrying and what not. I am afraid evolution made women to like in men signs of a good provider and men to like in women signs of good fertility , as simple as that when stripped to basics. So you prothelitising of how she "used" him is well out of place in my opinion. So depressed husband that does not work , absolved from all responsibility for children and household organising, consistently being sarcastic to his wife is a God's gift to women ?
I am sorry I disagree with your definition of support. When one is in a difficult situation support is to help them see what brought it on and how it can be changed , not assuring them it is someone else's fault and they are white and fluffy.

FBaby

You can't unsay things in a relationship

I totally agree with this and I think what some posters are ignoring. It all comes down to this. She has said that she doesn't love OP any longer and hasn't done for a long time. It appears this wasn't even say in anger.

This is not something you say and then go on to admit that you didn't mean it. Why would it even come to someone's mind? So the point is, if this is how she really feels, why has she stayed with OP all this time and never brought it up before if it wasn't because it suited her that he didn't know?

I do believe that you can fall out of love in a marriage and that it can be rekindled in some instances, but in this case, it needs to be tackled early on when the feelings are gone. Waiting years and doing nothing about it however is not profiling well. This is where I am guessing David is referring to her using OP.

If I was OP, I would want more answers in that regards. If the love went when he fell into depression, then it can be understandable because it is hard to share your life with someone with depression and her staying in the marriage would actually be a show of commitment and strength and the marriage would definitely be worth trying to save.

If however, as it seems she has stated twice now, she fell out of love many years ago, I would indeed question why she stayed and said nothing until now.

FBaby

I am a quite sarcastic person and I am like this way to everyone, not just my wife and I know I need to change.

Just on this matter. My OH is the same, but it's not a problem for me, firstly because I have quite high self-esteem so a comment on a beautiful woman won't be associated with thoughts that it must mean he doesn't found me attractive BUT also because my OH is very affectionate, very loving and do show me often. It's a lot of little things, the way I know he talks about me with pride and love when he meets new people, the unprecedented texts when he tells me how happy I make him (because I know he was daydreaming about us), when he lives me a note under my pillow if he goes away, him looking at me when I am about to leave for work and tells me that he is lucky to have such a beautiful wife and I can tell in his eyes that he means it etc...

So when he teases me about a part of my body, I know he isn't criticising me, he is just being a bit juvenile, because well, he is and I knew it when I married him!

What you need to assess is what is it is that you say that actually hurts her feelings because if it does, then it is just wrong to say it.

Scorpio33

The thing is the only posts that have given me the A-ha moment are Davids.

My wife doesn't love me, probably never will and is only staying with me as it's easier and practically better for her.

I am a romantic and believe in death is do part and don't want to give up.

But equally, I need to do what is best for me. There is no point in me staying in a relationship where I am not wanted.

I need to think about what to do and how long to give it before laying it all out to my wife with the view of an amicable split. I at least owe my kids (if not myself) that much.

I fee heartbroken.

justme111

Fair enough. It is worrying to say it mildly though that a few hours ago you seemed to be resolved to do one thing and now on the basis of a poster on Internet forum with no new information seem to have turned 180 degrees.

Scorpio33

And that's the thing, I have these two conflicting views inside me and I don't know which one to listen too. I don't want to walk away if there is even a 1% chance my wife can love again. I am a romantic and want to make it work.

But she has said to me twice now that she will never feel that way.

Davids post just said what I have been thinking. She will never love me romantically.

As I said I need to think about what to do and how long to give it before speaking to my wife. By that I meant how long to give the relationship a chance for things to improve.