Wife doesn't love me anymore

prosaver

after a while you'll start to dislike her, I would, its like her saying,
''oh, your not good enough for me.''
I would carry on living with her and stash your money away. b4 her and her new fella (it will eventually happen) nicks it off you and your house too,
b4 you end up in a bedsit, pennyless.
Sorry

DavidP24

justme111 wrote: »

It is difficult to advise as a few people have the impression of someone trying while I have the impression of someone who does not want to separate and is upset his wife does not love him - two very different things.
If you compare a happy marriage to a smooth sheet of paper than once that paper is scribbled on and a bit scrunched up you have an option of either binning it and looking for a new one or smoothing it down , rubbing the scribbles off , finding paints and making a beautiful painting. The paper may allow you to do it to a degree you would be happy with or not. If you pick the new one it is bound to become less shiny and straight as you fold it to keep it in your pocket. The issue is there is no God given right for a happy marriage. To get one one needs to work , specially after being a recipient of emotional energy instead of a donor while depressed for a few years. We do not automatically deserve all riches of love life, we have to give, not only receive. This bloke gives his wounded ego, "help" with household tasks, sarcastic remarks and demands of love.

I have the impression of someone hurting, who has told us that she said she has not loved him since BEFORE they are married.

The only bit of paper I can relate this to is a fraudulent contract, but I do recognise that the OP will want to be absolutely sure and give his marriage a chance.

There is no beautiful painting on this paper, it is a forgery, the surface has washed off.

He has not had any emotional input, he is a giver, she is a taker. There is no balance and him doing more chores will just make her disrespect him more.

We may not have a right, God given or not for anything, but we have the absolute right to find someone who will ACCEPT us for who we are, to love us and for us to love and cherish them.

I genuinely would encourage any couple to try and fix their marriage EXCEPT in a few circumstances; they are fundamentally built on DECEIT in all it's forms, but I also think things can have gone too far for her or for him..

I do not think anybody can truly ever trust someone who has had sex with someone and whilst there is no evidence of that here, there is a rotten foundation.

Acceptance, Respect, Trust; these are the foundation of every relationship. Either partner can lose FAITH in their spouse and that faith can be rediscovered and rebuilt, but NOT if the foundation is rotten. As I explained previously, you can hardly take the partner back to a feeling she never had.

When someone can live a lie for their own benefit you can't really believe what they say if it is self serving.

What he said was that she wants her nice comfortable lifestyle but she does not love him, except as a brother; who the hell want's to live with their brother, what she means is as a provider.

The ONLY way the OP can save this marriage is with professional help, he has already given this lady his youth, he should quickly establish if it can be recovered via counselling or else face the fact that he has to move on and seek true happiness.

samtoby

How would your wife felt if the shoe was on the other foot and you said all of what she said to you?

I really don't think she would be dealing with it as well as you are. This makes me suspect 1. You already maybe felt something wasn't right? 2. You are punishing yourself and thinking you have caused it all by having a bad time.

I have read through the thread and I feel that you are being very hard on yourself. People and marriages go through their problems but one thing should stay consistant. The love and respect you have for each other as well as yourselves.

You had a bad time and you are making allowances but I feel these are way over the top.

You can't make someone love you, and you will feel desperately unhappy if you keep trying, getting nothing back in return.

My grandfather was married for over 60 years and I remember asking him was there ever a time you would have left Grandma?

His reply 'Only if I felt that she could have loved someone else more and if someone else could have loved her more'.

Love really is a very important part of a relationship and I suspect maybe to put it blunt - your wife loves you, but is not 'in love' with you.

I really hope you find a happy place whether that be alone or with your wife - but a loveless marriage would be a very sad situation for both you, your wife and children.

lessonlearned

well they often say the first ten years of marriage are the worst.....and with good reason.

There are enormous pressures in marriage in those early years, money, work, young children.

Your little ones are just babies. They are hard work.

Your wife had IVF - the treatment is gruelling. The massive doses of hormones will have played havoc with her body.

You have been ill and unemployed.

You have both been through so much .......give each other a break.

of course your marriage has hit a rocky patch.......what else would you expect. All marriages do.....you ride them out. You don't throw in the towel at the first whiff of trouble.

of course she loves you.......... she wouldn't have stood by you if she didn't......but maybe right now she feels she is not "in love". She's probably too fraught and knackered to feel anything much.

There is a huge difference between deep lasting love and "being in love". Marriage is not just about my romantic love and sex......it is a contract, a commitment.

You are both being unrealistic. Be kind to each other, your wife supported you through your illness and unemployment now it's your turn to support her. A good marriage is about give and take.

Once the children are both at school and a little bit more independent then life will look different.

I was married for 32 years (he died). Those early years were rough, I was ill when the babies were young and it was gruelling. There were times when I "fell out of love" with my husband and he felt the same about me.

Divorce.....no...... wanting to murder each other. Oh yes. :rotfl:

But you get through it because what you have is worth preserving.

Those early years can be hell at times but you just ride them out, the romance will blossom again and yes, you will have swinging from the chandeliers sex again.:rotfl:

Just be patient.

A practical suggestion here.....if you can afford it buy in some help. Get a cleaner once a week, take some of the strain off. You both work long and hard, don't try to do everything yourself. Subcontract some of the work out. As my Late husband used to say "why have a dog and bark yourself".

And when the kids are old enough then get a baby sitter now and again and have a night out - just with your wife not with your friends. Make room in the budget for some fun stuff, both with the kids but also some alone time with your wife.

DavidP24

This is not about the cleaning!

She did not love him from BEFORE they were married

She is not interested in a night out with him

She chose what was probably an intimate moment to tell him the worst thing she could ever say about their marriage.

I do not think she so much stood by him as was trapped and even though things are better now she threw the grenade.

As I said, you can't unsay things and certainly not something as deep as this.

You are right 'There IS a huge difference between deep lasting love and "being in love". Marriage is not just about my romantic love and sex......it is a contract, a commitment.'

She broke the contract before she even got into it.

Give her space

Give her time

Just be patient

Meanwhile the years roll by and finally when she is totally secure it will be bye bye, at the same time she will have needs and at some point may meet someone, so more hurt down the road.

To me this is simple, she either commits to Counselling or he goes to help him come to terms with the loss and then goes from there.

Maybe he will decide to stay with her for the sake of the kids, maybe he can live in the role of a [STRIKE]brother[/STRIKE] provider, maybe she will SETTLE for him, maybe not.

I do not like living my life with a lot of "Maybe" but some are OK with it.

I would rather live alone than in a loveless marriage, but that is me.

System

I would rather live alone than in a loveless marriage, but that is me.

Depends on what you want out of a marriage. Some people just want companionship and are happy with just that which is ok as long as both parties know where they stand.

You can love someone without being 'in love' with someone though the first usually has to grow.

DavidP24

Lost opportunity

If the right person came along you would have to hurt someone to pursue it.

Towser

OP what are you going to do ?
The ball is in her court are you going to make her do the next move?
or are you going to make the best of things and ignore it?

FBaby

of course she loves you.......... she wouldn't have stood by you if she didn't......but maybe right now she feels she is not "in love". She's probably too fraught and knackered to feel anything much.

The problem is the way she went about expressing herself. If they'd an argument, and she'd said that she was knackered, that all the past years had taken a toll on her, that she knows she loves him deep inside but at the moment she was struggling to rekindle it, that they were issues, both some created by him, but some by her, and that maybe counselling would help, I would agree with the above. But it's not how it went at all.

They had a good time, she probably had a bit to drink, she out of the blue said that she never loved him but that it didn't matter. When questioned again, she said she did love him when they married, but it died soon afterwards, but again, made it as if it wasn't an issue and that OP was being dramatic. That to me are the words or someone saying 'listen, I don't love you anymore, don't expect fun loving times together, I'm staying with you because it suits me for the time being and you should satisfy with that'.

Like all others, I agree that OP shouldn't rush with any decision, another few months to take time to try to make some sense of it all is the right thing, but he needs to be careful not to fall in the same trap of pretending that all is fine just because that's the easiest way to deal with it.

One question OP, I remember your posts when you were stressed at your previous job and were debating what to do, desperate to give it up, was your wife supportive then? Because that's a teller. If she was, she clearly cared about your wellbeing before your income, if she wasn't, well, that's an indication of what matters more to her.

DavidP24

FBaby wrote: »

The problem is the way she went about expressing herself. If they'd an argument, and she'd said that she was knackered, that all the past years had taken a toll on her, that she knows she loves him deep inside but at the moment she was struggling to rekindle it, that they were issues, both some created by him, but some by her, and that maybe counselling would help, I would agree with the above. But it's not how it went at all.

They had a good time, she probably had a bit to drink, she out of the blue said that she never loved him but that it didn't matter. When questioned again, she said she did love him [STRIKE]when they married[/STRIKE] , but it died soon afterwards, but again, made it as if it wasn't an issue and that OP was being dramatic. That to me are the words or someone saying 'listen, I don't love you anymore, don't expect fun loving times together, I'm staying with you because it suits me for the time being and you should satisfy with that'.

Scorpio33 wrote: »

my wife told me she didn't love me. She said she hasn't loved me for a long time, since before we were married and she only stayed with me as she knew I was her only chance of having kids and she wanted kids. She also said that i'm her best friend but there is no romantic attraction there.

Like all others, I agree that OP shouldn't rush with any decision, another few months to take time to try to make some sense of it all is the right thing, but he needs to be careful not to fall in the same trap of pretending that all is fine just because that's the easiest way to deal with it.

One question OP, I remember your posts when you were stressed at your previous job and were debating what to do, desperate to give it up, was your wife supportive then? Because that's a teller. If she was, she clearly cared about your wellbeing before your income, if she wasn't, well, that's an indication of what matters more to her.

You are right, but it is worse that that because she said BEFORE they were married.

Also I am not convinced that she really cared as it would be self serving if he was the provider and not providing.

I think caring for someone over something so serious goes two ways, it either strengthens the relationship because they realise how much they really care or it brings out disdain and anxiety.

I agree it would be wrong to end it just on basis of one night, he needs to get her into marriage counselling so a professional can determine here true feelings, because it is clear that she will say anything (even give vows) to feather her own nest.