Wife doesn't love me anymore

FBaby

You are right, but it is worse that that because she said BEFORE they were married.

I thought what she said after the party, then a few days later, said that this was untrue and she stopped loving him when they started IVF.

OP is struggling to understand what's going on in her head himself, so all we can do is come up with many various possibilities, not knowing her. I think the worse of it all is the not knowing/understanding because this is what you need to feel you are making the best decision and yet the more you try to understand or ask for explanations, the less you end up with as the person closes up the more they feel interrogated.

Newusername1

Ditch the wife.

Go on plentyoffish, shag about a bit, meet a nice girl, get married, spend your nights on PlayStation 4 and Babestation.

There you go, sorted.

DavidP24

FBaby wrote: »

I thought what she said after the party, then a few days later, said that this was untrue and she stopped loving him when they started IVF.

OP is struggling to understand what's going on in her head himself, so all we can do is come up with many various possibilities, not knowing her. I think the worse of it all is the not knowing/understanding because this is what you need to feel you are making the best decision and yet the more you try to understand or ask for explanations, the less you end up with as the person closes up the more they feel interrogated.

I quoted from the very first post, right there at the top of every page of the thread.

She can't UNSAY those things or try to say I did not mean X or Y when she realises it puts her selfish life at risk.

I do not think he will ever know or understand.

It is the worst betrayal because it was the foundation

You are right about the interrogation, they are both too close to be objective, will both take things in the wrong way because they will apply "which means that" to everything that is said,

Hence Relate is the way to go, it may make her realise the reasons she loved him in the first place if she ever did, albeit that she seems to have "settled" for him for her own desire to have kids.

Now she wants to stay together because it suits her selfish needs again and she does not want to go to relate.

Well for me that would be the show stopper, "things are broken but I do not want to fix them"

Andehh

So sorry to hear OP, it's a difficult read!

I think the worst you can do is go in too heavy handed & push her away through pressure for answers, reasons and explanations. Don't do this.

Only you will know if she is serious or not, drunk/stress/pressure might have driven her to blurt it out, but if it was said calmly & with 'gravitas' then you need to accept it.

If that's the case I would look to walk away sooner rather then later. I fear that with her saying she wants to stay together, as friends but without even TRYING to make it work is just her biding her time until she finds someone else/a better situation and can leave under her own steam. As awful as it is, she might have done so already, but isn't sure it will work out & want's a safety net.

If you do feel she is serious, I would look to move out & live somewhere local. Spareroom/parents/stay with a friend, rent on a short term basis. Look to go to a gym, meet old friends & rekindle a life yourself. Try and keep yourself occupied, focus on the children and give her time & space. She will either realise she has made a mistake (you don't know what you've got till it's gone...) or she will feel better & move on herself. Either way, you know where you stand.

From there you can either look to rekindle the relationship, slowly, gradually with small steps and see where it goes...or you can look forward to meeting someone new?

Scorpio33

My wife and I have now had a good chat.

She can't tell me what prompted her to say what she said as she doesn't know herself.

She said that with drink, things always seem worse than they are and it is more that we have drifted apart a bit and we need to work on "us" more. That is only to be expected with a busy life and two kids. I have made her realise the seriousness of what she said and how I would never tell her I didn't love her unless I meant it.

So we have agreed to more date nights and both making more of an effort in being happy in the relationship. She is willing to try as hard as I am and reassures me that she does love me. She worries that she is not a very romantic person (where as I am) and so she thinks she can't make me happy. I have reassured her that she makes me happy by just being herself and although she isn't very romantic, she shows her love in other ways.

I need to be more selfish and say what I want more as too often I ignore what I want in order to make others happy. I also need to be more positive in things and I think the two are interlinked, as in not saying what I want, it leads to disappointment and unhappiness.

A little voice inside me is still saying to me that she is only trying to keep things ok until something better comes along. Another little voice inside me is saying that she is purposely pushing me away as she had a difficult upbringing (With several dads), and so it is in her psyche to expect me to leave and so when things are good she pushes me away to reaffirm her beliefs that she is not good enough for me. I am trying to ignore the first voice as I think that is born out of my own negativity and I need to focus more on what is good in the relationship. The second voice I think may have something too it, but it is likely to be me over-analysing everything and even if it was true, it can only be up to my wife to solve what ever issues she has. I shall keep an eye on this, and perhaps nudge her in the right direction if she needs it.


So there we go.

We are working on things, both making an effort and I am going to be more assertive of my own wants in the future. If things are still just as bad in 6 months, then I need another chat with my wife.

PeacefulWaters

Don't make her difficult upbringing a reason to stay.

Scorpio33

PeacefulWaters wrote: »

Don't make her difficult upbringing a reason to stay.

I am not.

As I said, I need to make sure what is right for me and me alone. With her willing to put in the effort, I think it could work.

The reason for mentioning what I did was trying to make sense of why she said what she did when she did.

FBaby

It is the expected way forward that you should see how things go both making an effort to find each other again. Most marriages go through crisis, some make it through and often become stronger as a result, some despite the intention to make efforts don't make it. The difficult decision to make is at which point do you give up when things don't get better.

One thing I'd be weary of is her statement that she is not romantic. Has she always not been so? Or could it be her way out to being regularly intimate?

Scorpio33

FBaby wrote: »

It is the expected way forward that you should see how things go both making an effort to find each other again. Most marriages go through crisis, some make it through and often become stronger as a result, some despite the intention to make efforts don't make it. The difficult decision to make is at which point do you give up when things don't get better.

One thing I'd be weary of is her statement that she is not romantic. Has she always not been so? Or could it be her way out to being regularly intimate?

She has never been romantic at all, that is just the way she is, and I accept that.

There are some things I want to improve. For example, she is not very physically affectionate (outside the bedroom) towards me recently. But then I see that she is very physically affectionate to our kids - so she can be physically affectionate, but for some reason, not towards me. I put that down to us drifting apart. Yes, things need to change, no I am not going to settle, but I need to be realistic in that these things don't change overnight.

The fact is that despite what she says, I Love her. She still gives me butterflies and knots in my stomach and I have never known anything like it. You don't walk away from that easily.

FBaby

I really feel for you. You know you love her, are in love with her, attracted to her and want to be with her forever but you don't know whether she will ever feel this way towards you, or even ever has, and if not, what you can settle for.

In the end, all you can do is go with your instincts, try not to let your judgement blinded by your love for her and accept that there is an element of risk that she might be playing with you, but also the chance that you could be as happy together again as you once were.