Wife doesn't love me anymore

FBaby

I would find it very sad if a loving marriage could end up where it seems to be at just because of one party feeling that the other is not doing as much housework as limed.

It might not be as bad as David sees it and indeed there is likely to be two sides of the story but I too get the sense that OP's wife is not being truthful with her feelings and tells OP what suits her to be in control of the relationship. I wouldn't be surprised at all if OP ca.e back to post in a few weeks/months to say that his wife has left him for someone else or just left after having planned to do so for months to make sure she didn't lose out.

Candyapple

DavidP24 wrote: »

Housework?

Do you REALLY believe this is about housework?

Why on EARTH would his MAIN concern be to giver his wife what SHE NEEDS, what about HIS NEEDS?

She is simply not making ANY effort, she is tolerating him like a bad smell.

He does not come on here as the wronged party, half the time he is blaming himself, making excuses for his wife.

Many reading his posts will think he is a carpet or doormat.

She has been selfish from the beginning, her only regret is that she actually told him that she did not love him since BEFORE they were married. She only has this regret because it might upset her comfortable little life.

His ONLY chance to save this marriage that was doomed from the beginning is to reset her understanding of what a relationship is all about - mutual love, trust, respect and understanding.

Personally, based on what he has said, I think it will be futile.

He is going to face a very difficult (emotionally) break up, in some situations it is better to just get it over with rather than live this false life

Somewhere out there, there will be someone who WILL meet his needs and he will be able to meet their needs..

Agree with this 100%. OP your update sounded pitiful. Your marriage is over – you both just don’t want to deal with that actually means and the consequences of making the decision to divorce and separate and move on with your lives. I predict what will happen is you will plod along trying to coast for a while to keep the peace, your wife will continue to grow even more resentful and bored and will probably have another angry outburst along the way / possible affair / leave.

Read what you wrote again in your opening post:

Scorpio33 wrote: »

My wife told me she didn't love me. She said she hasn't loved me for a long time, since before we were married and she only stayed with me as she knew I was her only chance of having kids and she wanted kids. She also said that I'm her best friend but there is no romantic attraction there.

“When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.” Maya Angelou


Your wife, for whatever reason on that night, showed you who she is and what she is about and you have chosen to ignore this – to your detriment. Clearly she doesn’t want to break up the status quo of being part of a ‘family’ and having money coming in to pay for things, if she had to split that would involve legal proceedings, sorting out separate finances, selling up and moving out, arranging child visitations and everything else that comes with going through a divorce with kids. Just 1 or 2 of those things from that list is enough to terrify most people to keep their mouths shut and plod along, no matter how unhappy it makes them.

If you showed any other man that same paragraph and asked him what he would do if his wife/partner had said that to him, I can bet you that the majority of men with an ounce of self-worth or pride would be like ok the relationship is done. There is no going back from that. You can’t take back those words once they’ve been said. Their wife/partner has just told them that essentially they were only ever seen as a sperm donor and now that the kids are here, your services are no longer needed. You would then just try and split as amicably as possibly because there are kids involved (although let’s face it, most men would rightfully be angry after being told that) and go through the separation process regardless of how painful it is because THE RELATIONSHIP IS DEAD.

You’ve been shown who your wife is, the choice you have to make now is do you want the world of hurt now, or in a few months/years’ time after wasting more time / energy / money and the remainder of your youth when the inevitable will happen?

System

..... there are none so blind as those who cannot see.

Towser

Life is not a bed of roses nor is marriage. Arranged marriages can and do work.

If you want glamour you must be prepared to put in the romance.

Scorpio33

I wasn't going to update this thread, but I thought I better for my own sanity.

Things are not going well still.

In August, my wife basically forgot about our anniversary, flirted heavily with my best mate and then went off to a festival doing all sorts of drugs. My grandad then passed away and at his funeral (of all places), we had a massive row, which basically almost split us up. Since then, there has been no affection at all from her (not even a kiss) and the current situation is that she doesn't love me, but isn't sure if she wants to walk away or work on things.

So I have started relate counselling on my own, to at least get my head straight and feel as if I am doing all I can to save the marriage and make it work. I do know that nothing can be saved with only one of us trying of course, but I am hoping that my wife will see a positive change in me and want to come to counselling with me and work on things.

That has all lead to me doing some heavy thinking. Trying to work out the cause of all this and where things have gone wrong. My wife has pointed to a few occasions whereby my behaviour changed and she didn't like what she saw. At first, I took note and the counselling is helping me control (a) my temper and (b) stop me making sarcastic / hurful remarks.

But then I looked at what made me lose my temper and what the common theme is - and its drugs.

Since I knew my wife I knew she smoked pot, but I was never aware of anything harder than that. When we first started having issues was when she went out on a night out and took cocaine with her friends. I was fuming, but put it down to the severe stress we were under.

Fast forward to now, and I would say for at least the past year, my wife is taking cocaine at least once a month. At first, I tried to understand what the appeal of at all was, and to be reasonable with my wife as I wanted to help her see what I saw, rather than be the enemy. Then I realised I was enabling her in continuing to take Cocaine, so I laid it all out and told her just how against it I was. Since then I thought she had stopped taking it, until I found some in her purse (I was looking for some change in there with her permission).

Now before, I got the impression that it was just when she went out with friends, they had it and she went along with it and knew it was wrong, but enjoyed it so took it. Now I feel it is she is planning in advance and buying it prior to the night out.

I don't want to lose her, but this explains a lot about her behaviour, ties in to when she was taking it we were distant and I was not good to her and it also explains why I thought she could have been cheating on me, because of all the deception.

I am hurting badly, but i have a house and two kids with this lady and I want to help her. I know that can't happen until she wants help, but I am desperate to do something.

I know if I confront my wife or gave her an ultimatum, she would always choose the drugs over me. That is what addicts do. So that won't help. If I ask for a divorce, she gets everything and I would have to see someone else bringing my kids up. So all I can do is stay put in a sexless, loveless relationship whilst she uses me for moral support whilst she parties on drugs whilst going through a mid-life crisis.

On top of that, there are roumers floating around that the company I work for may be closing down in the new year, which brings an added layer of issues.


If anyone has any advice for me, I would really appreciate it.

gettingtheresometime

Scorpio33 wrote: »

I wasn't going to update this thread, but I thought I better for my own sanity.

Things are not going well still.

In August, my wife basically forgot about our anniversary, flirted heavily with my best mate and then went off to a festival doing all sorts of drugs. My grandad then passed away and at his funeral (of all places), we had a massive row, which basically almost split us up. Since then, there has been no affection at all from her (not even a kiss) and the current situation is that she doesn't love me, but isn't sure if she wants to walk away or work on things.

So I have started relate counselling on my own, to at least get my head straight and feel as if I am doing all I can to save the marriage and make it work. I do know that nothing can be saved with only one of us trying of course, but I am hoping that my wife will see a positive change in me and want to come to counselling with me and work on things.

That has all lead to me doing some heavy thinking. Trying to work out the cause of all this and where things have gone wrong. My wife has pointed to a few occasions whereby my behaviour changed and she didn't like what she saw. At first, I took note and the counselling is helping me control (a) my temper and (b) stop me making sarcastic / hurful remarks.

But then I looked at what made me lose my temper and what the common theme is - and its drugs.

Since I knew my wife I knew she smoked pot, but I was never aware of anything harder than that. When we first started having issues was when she went out on a night out and took cocaine with her friends. I was fuming, but put it down to the severe stress we were under.

Fast forward to now, and I would say for at least the past year, my wife is taking cocaine at least once a month. At first, I tried to understand what the appeal of at all was, and to be reasonable with my wife as I wanted to help her see what I saw, rather than be the enemy. Then I realised I was enabling her in continuing to take Cocaine, so I laid it all out and told her just how against it I was. Since then I thought she had stopped taking it, until I found some in her purse (I was looking for some change in there with her permission).

Now before, I got the impression that it was just when she went out with friends, they had it and she went along with it and knew it was wrong, but enjoyed it so took it. Now I feel it is she is planning in advance and buying it prior to the night out.

I don't want to lose her, but this explains a lot about her behaviour, ties in to when she was taking it we were distant and I was not good to her and it also explains why I thought she could have been cheating on me, because of all the deception.

I am hurting badly, but i have a house and two kids with this lady and I want to help her. I know that can't happen until she wants help, but I am desperate to do something.

I know if I confront my wife or gave her an ultimatum, she would always choose the drugs over me. That is what addicts do. So that won't help. If I ask for a divorce, she gets everything and I would have to see someone else bringing my kids up. So all I can do is stay put in a sexless, loveless relationship whilst she uses me for moral support whilst she parties on drugs whilst going through a mid-life crisis.

On top of that, there are roumers floating around that the company I work for may be closing down in the new year, which brings an added layer of issues.


If anyone has any advice for me, I would really appreciate it.

I have no idea how to advise you but I know for me, the drugs you mention are the line in the sand for any relationship I have with anyone, let alone my hubby.


For me I would ask the question what would happen to my family if she got arrested because of these drugs? Then I'd ask myself would I be happy to live with those consequences.


Sounds as if you love your wife but not the person she's become for whatever reason. Perhaps you also need to ask yourself are you hoping that things will revert back to how they were (but why would they if nothing happens to change them?) and if they don't what happens then?

Mojisola

Scorpio33 wrote: »

I
In August, my wife basically forgot about our anniversary, flirted heavily with my best mate and then went off to a festival doing all sorts of drugs.

Since I knew my wife I knew she smoked pot, but I was never aware of anything harder than that. When we first started having issues was when she went out on a night out and took cocaine with her friends. I was fuming, but put it down to the severe stress we were under.

Fast forward to now, and I would say for at least the past year, my wife is taking cocaine at least once a month.
Now before, I got the impression that it was just when she went out with friends, they had it and she went along with it and knew it was wrong, but enjoyed it so took it. Now I feel it is she is planning in advance and buying it prior to the night out.

I don't want to lose her, but this explains a lot about her behaviour, ties in to when she was taking it we were distant and I was not good to her and it also explains why I thought she could have been cheating on me, because of all the deception.

I am hurting badly, but i have a house and two kids with this lady and I want to help her. I know that can't happen until she wants help, but I am desperate to do something.

I know if I confront my wife or gave her an ultimatum, she would always choose the drugs over me.

If I ask for a divorce, she gets everything and I would have to see someone else bringing my kids up.

Why would you leave your children with a drug taker?

Much better for them if you become the parent with care.

NineDeuce

Was Dear Deidre made redundant?

Scorpio33

NineDeuce wrote: »

Was Dear Deidre made redundant?

I really wish this was a wind up.

Unfortunately its my life that I have to deal with.

Scorpio33

Mojisola wrote: »

Why would you leave your children with a drug taker?

Much better for them if you become the parent with care.

As a man who earns the most and works the most hours, the law is heavily on her side - drugs or no drugs. From what I know, she will be able to stay in the house with the kids (less disruption to them) and I will have to pay her to keep her in the house too (as I earn more).