Wife doesn't love me anymore

System

LeesArt wrote: »

Yes in the end her kids will see it for what it is, done for their benefit.

I wouldn't bank on it.

Gavin83

LeesArt wrote: »

If you take the time to actually read the thread you will find the answers to your questions.

Ok, you seem to be one of those posters who ignore questions they don't wish to answer by dismissing the rest of the post. I've learnt there is little point debating with such people so I'll leave you be.

Comms69 wrote: »

There's a slight difference between drinking and taking class A drugs - that being the misuse of drugs act.

In terms of addiction, which is what we were discussing here there really isn't.

Scorpio33

Thank you all for your replies.

Just to get some balance to everything, I think there is no easy answer to this no matter what way this goes. Life isn't black and white.


A lot of you are saying I should report her or I should move out with the kids or I should kick her out.

If I report her, that is only going to cause long term resentment between her and me. Any breakup needs to be amicable - she will always be the mother to my children and no matter what she does, that will never change and so I need to keep things civil between her and me. I know she needs to stop what she is doing, but she can't do that unless she wants to.

If I move out with the kids, then she gets to stay in the house we have renovated together, and why should I be the one moving out if she is the one causing the breakup? If she wants out, she should move out.

Unfortunately, legally, I can't kick her out either. Her name is on the deeds with me, so I can't legally kick her out of a property she owns. She has to want to move out and at the moment she doesn't want to.

So the only way forward I can see is to get her to see how much happier she will be if she moved out.

Gavin83 wrote: »

I'm willing to bet you are the sort of person who thinks someone can go out on a Friday night and have a few drinks with friends and not be considered an alcoholic? If you drink yourself your views are even more ridiculous, unless you are willing to admit to being an alcoholic. Are you?

Anyway needless to say I couldn't disagree more with your opinion, there's a vast difference between a user and an addict, even following dictionary definition. There has to be a level of dependency for an addiction to exist, this isn't apparent in this case.

OP, how long has this been going on for? Either she's always been a bit cold and frankly someone you don't want to be in a relationship with (with your head in the sand) or she's having a mid life crisis. If it's a mid life crisis then she's probably just trying to relive her youth a bit and she'll likely grow out of it at some point. It's up to you if you are willing to put up with her actions in the mean time and what you consider acceptable. Personally in your situation I'd be looking at a way out.

I agree that a lot of people simply don't understand drugs. If they were that bad, no one would take them - there is an appeal. Also, more people take drugs than people realise. I am not condoning what my wife is doing, but there is a HUGE difference to someone taking drugs every day (or even every week), to someone taking them once a month on a night out with friends. And yes, there are huge risks and dangers involved, there is a reason they are illegal, I am aware of that.

I do think this is a mid life crisis. I have no idea how much longer I can put up with this, and yes I should be looking for a way out. I spoke to a friend last night who said to me that I will know when I have had enough. I've not got to that stage yet and I don't want to take any action without feeling that I have tried everything if you see what I mean. In the mean time, I need to put things in place so I am ready to go when I want to (ie: see a lawyer, find out rights and what I need to do). Certainly I have already put together a post break up budget and have been looking at local properties I can reasonably afford if we break up.

I know she has treated me badly. I know I deserve more. But it is not all about me, there are kids to think about here. I know that our current relationship does not give our kids a good idea of what relationships are all about but I know this won't go on forever. But you don't just turn your back on the mother of your children and someone who you have spent over 13 years with.

Comms69

Scorpio33 wrote: »

Thank you all for your replies.

Just to get some balance to everything, I think there is no easy answer to this no matter what way this goes. Life isn't black and white.


A lot of you are saying I should report her or I should move out with the kids or I should kick her out.

If I report her, that is only going to cause long term resentment between her and me. Any breakup needs to be amicable - she will always be the mother to my children and no matter what she does, that will never change and so I need to keep things civil between her and me. I know she needs to stop what she is doing, but she can't do that unless she wants to.

If I move out with the kids, then she gets to stay in the house we have renovated together, and why should I be the one moving out if she is the one causing the breakup? If she wants out, she should move out.

Unfortunately, legally, I can't kick her out either. Her name is on the deeds with me, so I can't legally kick her out of a property she owns. She has to want to move out and at the moment she doesn't want to.

So the only way forward I can see is to get her to see how much happier she will be if she moved out.



I agree that a lot of people simply don't understand drugs. If they were that bad, no one would take them - there is an appeal. Also, more people take drugs than people realise. I am not condoning what my wife is doing, but there is a HUGE difference to someone taking drugs every day (or even every week), to someone taking them once a month on a night out with friends. And yes, there are huge risks and dangers involved, there is a reason they are illegal, I am aware of that.

I do think this is a mid life crisis. I have no idea how much longer I can put up with this, and yes I should be looking for a way out. I spoke to a friend last night who said to me that I will know when I have had enough. I've not got to that stage yet and I don't want to take any action without feeling that I have tried everything if you see what I mean. In the mean time, I need to put things in place so I am ready to go when I want to (ie: see a lawyer, find out rights and what I need to do). Certainly I have already put together a post break up budget and have been looking at local properties I can reasonably afford if we break up.

I know she has treated me badly. I know I deserve more. But it is not all about me, there are kids to think about here. I know that our current relationship does not give our kids a good idea of what relationships are all about but I know this won't go on forever. But you don't just turn your back on the mother of your children and someone who you have spent over 13 years with.

Have you had a look at people in your local pharmacy (or nearest one to dispense methadone) - ye drugs are fine....

LeesArt

Gavin83 wrote: »

Ok, you seem to be one of those posters who ignore questions they don't wish to answer by dismissing the rest of the post. I've learnt there is little point debating with such people so I'll leave you be.

In terms of addiction, which is what we were discussing here there really isn't.

I thought you were going to leave me be?

They are all addicts, they do not like to admit it because they are admitting they are weak, it is not entirely their fault, part of it is the chemistry of the drug, but then again they were weak enough to take them in the first place and so must accept they are responsible. Hopefully, they can get off drugs but it will need to be something very strong to motivate them, perhaps having lost their kids it MIGHT be enough, however, this leech has been shown to be self serving from the beginning so who knows.

If anyone is ignoring it is you, go back to page one, read the story from the beginning, of course I will not expect any agreement on the drugs side of thing because it is clear you fall into the category previously specified.

Newusername1

Sounds like a case for Babestation.

LeesArt

Scorpio33 wrote: »

Thank you all for your replies.

Just to get some balance to everything, I think there is no easy answer to this no matter what way this goes. Life isn't black and white.

A lot of you are saying I should report her or I should move out with the kids or I should kick her out.

If I report her, that is only going to cause long term resentment between her and me. Any breakup needs to be amicable - she will always be the mother to my children and no matter what she does, that will never change and so I need to keep things civil between her and me. I know she needs to stop what she is doing, but she can't do that unless she wants to.

If I move out with the kids, then she gets to stay in the house we have renovated together, and why should I be the one moving out if she is the one causing the breakup? If she wants out, she should move out.

Unfortunately, legally, I can't kick her out either. Her name is on the deeds with me, so I can't legally kick her out of a property she owns. She has to want to move out and at the moment she doesn't want to.

So the only way forward I can see is to get her to see how much happier she will be if she moved out.

I agree that a lot of people simply don't understand drugs. If they were that bad, no one would take them - there is an appeal. Also, more people take drugs than people realise. I am not condoning what my wife is doing, but there is a HUGE difference to someone taking drugs every day (or even every week), to someone taking them once a month on a night out with friends. And yes, there are huge risks and dangers involved, there is a reason they are illegal, I am aware of that.

I do think this is a mid life crisis. I have no idea how much longer I can put up with this, and yes I should be looking for a way out. I spoke to a friend last night who said to me that I will know when I have had enough. I've not got to that stage yet and I don't want to take any action without feeling that I have tried everything if you see what I mean. In the mean time, I need to put things in place so I am ready to go when I want to (ie: see a lawyer, find out rights and what I need to do). Certainly I have already put together a post break up budget and have been looking at local properties I can reasonably afford if we break up.

I know she has treated me badly. I know I deserve more. But it is not all about me, there are kids to think about here. I know that our current relationship does not give our kids a good idea of what relationships are all about but I know this won't go on forever. But you don't just turn your back on the mother of your children and someone who you have spent over 13 years with.

Thanks for your reply Scorpio33, forgive me for saying it how it is but it is what you need.

You are a doormat, you are used to being a doormat, maybe you even like being a doormat.

Well soon enough she with throw you out like an old sponge that she no longer has use for.

If you are not prepared to do what is best for your kids in the long term then you will be in the same place in another six months, I do not mean still with her I mean coming on hear bleating about your poor situation.

Your Mrs is on a slippery slope, she needs a strong intervention, you have tried talking to her about her drug taking in the past and it has been fruitless. Well to continue doing the same thing and expecting different results is the definition on insanity.

It was suggested you see Relate by yourself 6 months ago, you are only doing that now. You need to take advice sooner, that means you need to man up.

There is no point discussing this with your soon to be Ex, all it will do is get her to start her battle plan.

As for your kids, how will they feel when you are thrown out?

How will they feel when they find out you could have put a stop to her becoming a worse addict?

There is no reasoning with people who take drugs, they will lie and deceive to feed their habit.

As a first step, just to get a measure of her, take the drugs from her bag and get rid of them, flush them down the toilet. Then wait for her reaction. See how long it takes for her to notice. Then do the same again as soon as you think they have been replaced. That will give you a measure of her addiction.

As for your comment that "there is a HUGE difference to someone taking drugs every day (or even every week), to someone taking them once a month on a night out with friends."

The only difference is time, it is a slippery slope, it is chemistry and biology. Over time she will need more to maintain the same high and then hit the tipping point of needing it several times a day then becoming completely dysfunctional. All just a matter ot TIME.

You really are delusional if you think you can get her to see how much happier she will be if she moves out.

What you need to do is not easy; you are used to choosing the easy least line of resistance. Well this is a time when you need to man up and do what is necessary, for the sake of the children. Do you think it will somehow be better for them to lose their father than mother?

Normally I would agree that it is best to keep things amicable for the sake of the kids, but look at who you are dealing with, look at their history, look at their motivation and look at the drugs. You yourself said they are a big cause of the bad situations.

Don't take my word for it, go speak anonymously to a social worker and ask their advice, call Caffcass anonymously and ask their advice and what would be best for the kids.

You talk about the contempt she will have; well wale up and smell the coffee, you repulse her as it is and she will only tolerate you with drugs and alcohol. She has never loved you, just used you, as soon as she no longer benefits, you are out.

When that happens, do not come bleating on here when what I predicted will happen actually happens. I am sorry to be hard but I think you need a reality check. Truth is you are a decent person, she chose you because you are weak, but you can be strong, you just do not know it until you do it.

Gavin83

Scorpio33 wrote: »

I do think this is a mid life crisis. I have no idea how much longer I can put up with this, and yes I should be looking for a way out. I spoke to a friend last night who said to me that I will know when I have had enough. I've not got to that stage yet and I don't want to take any action without feeling that I have tried everything if you see what I mean. In the mean time, I need to put things in place so I am ready to go when I want to (ie: see a lawyer, find out rights and what I need to do). Certainly I have already put together a post break up budget and have been looking at local properties I can reasonably afford if we break up.

I know she has treated me badly. I know I deserve more. But it is not all about me, there are kids to think about here. I know that our current relationship does not give our kids a good idea of what relationships are all about but I know this won't go on forever. But you don't just turn your back on the mother of your children and someone who you have spent over 13 years with.

It sounds like you've already mentally checked out of this relationship to be honest. Looking at what property you can afford without her isn't a promising sign. There's been some good advice in this thread so I'd suggest absorbing some of it and thinking about what you wish to do. However this is a very personal life changing decision so think about it carefully and decide what is best for you and your kids.

As much as I disagree with LeesArt I do agree with him on one thing, you have become a bit of a doormat. You need to snap out of it and stand up for yourself a little more. I've seen relationships where one party allows themselves to be walked over constantly and it never turns out well.

I do wish you the best of luck and hope this situation works out well for you, regardless of the actions you take.

System

Personally I would run and take your kids with you. If you meet resistance, then, and only then would I use the drug taking to defend your actions. Even then you will need hard evidence to back it up.

bagpussbear

Scorpio33 wrote: »

But you don't just turn your back on the mother of your children and someone who you have spent over 13 years with.

Yes you can, and you should.

How badly do you have to be treated, to end a relationship? Why is your bar so unbelieveably low for yourself. You can be a good example to your children by showing that it ok to not accept such unacceptable behaviour from another.