Wife doesn't love me anymore

Caroline_a

Oh dear. This is a big mess OP. My thoughts on it -

She's already checked out on you. She's staying because it's easier to stay than go - and you're letting her, and enabling her behaviour.

See a solicitor now! Your knowledge of marital law seems to be very sketchy, formed by a few trips around Google. You need a Rottweiler of a solicitor to get the best deal for you.

The children will be aware that all is not well at home, don't underestimate that, and in all probability will be much happier and settled when everything is over. Gone are the days when divorces were rare and shameful things.

How feasible is it for you to go for residency (custody as was)? I think with your wife's behaviour you have to do that -I certainly wouldnt want my children around someone who takes drugs, no matter how rarely.

Together with your solicitor, make a plan. A house is just bricks and mortar, there is no need for anyone to stay in it -sell it and move on. People become fixated on houses, so that it becomes a huge problem. Let the courts decide what will happen but fight for what you want!

This is all in your hands now. You have to grow up for your children's sake. You are currently not showing them a good example at all - and nor is your wife. Walk away and make a new life.

Tabbytabitha

LeesArt wrote: »

In my opinion there is no such thing as a recreational drug user, they are all addicts, some may be in remission, just like cancer.

Some people make excuses for them or suggest that the harm is not as bad or terrible as it really is, they usually have their own motives. Maybe they have taken drugs themselves or they have a family member who does or they could have just fallen for all these "legalisation will make it better" BS.

I have seen people in the city who supposedly take them with no harm; well they all crashed out, most of them lost what they had because they were snorting their income or buying it for their crowd.

The fact that there are mothers who take drugs does not make it acceptable, it is NEVER acceptable.

That's quite an obnoxious comparison and just totally wrong. Recreational drug users bear the same relation to drug addicts as people who enjoy a few drinks occasionally do to alcoholics. Most people I know have used drugs at some point, whether at university or at later points in their life, nobody I know has gone on to become an addict, whereas I know a couple of people who moved from being social drinkers to being alcoholics. I agree that cocaine is a more dangerous drug than cannabis but there are still plenty of people who only use it very occasionally and many of those have responsible jobs in education and medicine.

Tabbytabitha

LeesArt wrote: »

Thanks for your reply Scorpio33, forgive me for saying it how it is but it is what you need.

You are a doormat, you are used to being a doormat, maybe you even like being a doormat.

Well soon enough she with throw you out like an old sponge that she no longer has use for.

If you are not prepared to do what is best for your kids in the long term then you will be in the same place in another six months, I do not mean still with her I mean coming on hear bleating about your poor situation.

Your Mrs is on a slippery slope, she needs a strong intervention, you have tried talking to her about her drug taking in the past and it has been fruitless. Well to continue doing the same thing and expecting different results is the definition on insanity.

It was suggested you see Relate by yourself 6 months ago, you are only doing that now. You need to take advice sooner, that means you need to man up.

There is no point discussing this with your soon to be Ex, all it will do is get her to start her battle plan.

As for your kids, how will they feel when you are thrown out?

How will they feel when they find out you could have put a stop to her becoming a worse addict?

There is no reasoning with people who take drugs, they will lie and deceive to feed their habit.

As a first step, just to get a measure of her, take the drugs from her bag and get rid of them, flush them down the toilet. Then wait for her reaction. See how long it takes for her to notice. Then do the same again as soon as you think they have been replaced. That will give you a measure of her addiction.

As for your comment that "there is a HUGE difference to someone taking drugs every day (or even every week), to someone taking them once a month on a night out with friends."

The only difference is time, it is a slippery slope, it is chemistry and biology. Over time she will need more to maintain the same high and then hit the tipping point of needing it several times a day then becoming completely dysfunctional. All just a matter ot TIME.

You really are delusional if you think you can get her to see how much happier she will be if she moves out.

What you need to do is not easy; you are used to choosing the easy least line of resistance. Well this is a time when you need to man up and do what is necessary, for the sake of the children. Do you think it will somehow be better for them to lose their father than mother?

Normally I would agree that it is best to keep things amicable for the sake of the kids, but look at who you are dealing with, look at their history, look at their motivation and look at the drugs. You yourself said they are a big cause of the bad situations.

Don't take my word for it, go speak anonymously to a social worker and ask their advice, call Caffcass anonymously and ask their advice and what would be best for the kids.

You talk about the contempt she will have; well wale up and smell the coffee, you repulse her as it is and she will only tolerate you with drugs and alcohol. She has never loved you, just used you, as soon as she no longer benefits, you are out.

When that happens, do not come bleating on here when what I predicted will happen actually happens. I am sorry to be hard but I think you need a reality check. Truth is you are a decent person, she chose you because you are weak, but you can be strong, you just do not know it until you do it.

So much ignorance and prejudice in one post - you really are helping nobody with this advice.
Social Services would laugh at the idea of his wife being an unfit mother because of the minimal drug use that's been described and are more likely to consider the OP to be neurotic if he expresses views like this.

PeacefulWaters

But you don't just turn your back on the mother of your children and someone who you have spent over 13 years with.

There comes a time when you do if she's not interested in you.

It was the most liberating experience ever getting out of my bad marriage.

AndyBSG

Scorpio33 wrote: »

As I've said before, I can't change others, I can only concentrate on myself. I need to be more selfish.

Earlier on in the thread I was one of those saying you need to get to the bottom of what caused the original outburst that she never loved you and one of those advocating that when you have young kids you really need to work to keep the affection in a relationship alive.

Now however you have gone through that stage, given it several months with you both knowing where the other stands and tried to get back to where you were and it is clearly not working.

Staying together now in what is just a marriage of convenience for her is not going to do you, your wife or your kids any good.

All that staying together will do is allow the small spark of resentment you both have to spread and fester.

Your wife has made it clear she is only with you because it's easier than splitting.

Sooner or later that will change(and that will usually be when another person becomes involved) and the longer it takes to reach that point the more damage she will do to you both emotionally and financially and the longer she will be taking advantage of you.

She is taking advantage of you, maybe not intentionally but certainly subconsciously.

There comes a time when you have to accept facts and start thinking about your future and that time has clearly come in my opinion.

Putting off accepting that is going to do none of you any favours.

Scorpio33 wrote: »

But you don't just turn your back on the mother of your children and someone who you have spent over 13 years with.

You are right, but you aren't just turning your back.

You have tried to fix things and the last few months have shown that it is not fixable.

LeesArt

Tabbytabitha wrote: »

So much ignorance and prejudice in one post - you really are helping nobody with this advice.
Social Services would laugh at the idea of his wife being an unfit mother because of the minimal drug use that's been described and are more likely to consider the OP to be neurotic if he expresses views like this.

Do not worry the advice is not for you.

I happen to know that they take ANY kind of drug use seriously, given the choice between a single mother who takes drugs or a single father who does not and is also a decent bloke they would choose the latter.

Pretty soon he will be out on his ear anyway, she will be done with him and he is such a doormat that he will take it.

It takes real courage to do the right thing and as others have said it is liberating.

However, she is the tough one in this relationship, she will continue to dominate him when she has kicked him out.

FBaby

Scorpio, your friend is right, you will know when deep down, you'll have had enough and anger will take over fear. I just hope for your sake that it earlier rather than later as you are clearly not happy nor free at the moment and it will take time after you've made the move to find them again.

Still, no point in doing anything you are not 100% committed to push through. Just don't wait for HER to make the decision for you, it might make you feel better in the short term, it won't in the long term.

Primrose

Where is your wife getting the money for the drugs from. Does she work? If not, can you re-arrange your bank account so that your salary goes into it and covers all the household expenses, and possibly also includes the ordering of groceries online so that she has little need to access much money and can't use any household money for drugs


I would worry greatly what impact her taking drugs will have on your children. Even if you have been prepared to put up with it, what message does it give them. You need to raise the bar higher for their sake.

Tabbytabitha

LeesArt wrote: »

Do not worry the advice is not for you.

I happen to know that they take ANY kind of drug use seriously, given the choice between a single mother who takes drugs or a single father who does not and is also a decent bloke they would choose the latter.

Oh, the joints I've shared with social worker friends when we were all a bit younger!

AndyBSG

Tabbytabitha wrote: »

Oh, the joints I've shared with social worker friends when we were all a bit younger!

Maybe but a bit of weed is a slightly different kettle of fish to a regular coke habit...