Wife doesn't love me anymore

Scorpio33

gettingtheresometime wrote: »

I have no idea how to advise you but I know for me, the drugs you mention are the line in the sand for any relationship I have with anyone, let alone my hubby.


For me I would ask the question what would happen to my family if she got arrested because of these drugs? Then I'd ask myself would I be happy to live with those consequences.


Sounds as if you love your wife but not the person she's become for whatever reason. Perhaps you also need to ask yourself are you hoping that things will revert back to how they were (but why would they if nothing happens to change them?) and if they don't what happens then?

I agree its the line in the sand. And yes I do want things to go back to how they were.

What I don't know is what to do to get things back to that place.

If they don't - how long do I give it? I meant my marriage vows - till death us do part, so i will always stay with her. Maybe I shouldn't but its just how I feel at this moment.

PeacefulWaters

I hung around for way too many years with somebody who didn't give a flying fig about me.

Get away from her.

gettingtheresometime

Scorpio33 wrote: »

As a man who earns the most and works the most hours, the law is heavily on her side - drugs or no drugs. From what I know, she will be able to stay in the house with the kids (less disruption to them) and I will have to pay her to keep her in the house too (as I earn more).

Do you know that for a fact? Or are you just assuming that will be the case.

Scorpio33 wrote: »

I agree its the line in the sand. And yes I do want things to go back to how they were.

What I don't know is what to do to get things back to that place.

If they don't - how long do I give it? I meant my marriage vows - till death us do part, so i will always stay with her. Maybe I shouldn't but its just how I feel at this moment.

But in any relationship the parties involved both have to want that - & I'm sorry to say, that for whatever reason, your wife doesn't seem to want that, perhaps at the moment, perhaps for ever.


As for how long you give it then that is a totally personal choice...some people would take action now whilst others would grin and bear it, hoping that it will change.


However at the forefront of your decision you need to think of what message this is sending to the children as it could give them a warped view of the way relationships are supposed to be.

Scorpio33

gettingtheresometime wrote: »

Do you know that for a fact? Or are you just assuming that will be the case.

To be honest, just assuming from what little information that is out there. Plus I don't really want to go down that route unless I had to, so I don't want to think about that too much yet.

gettingtheresometime wrote: »

But in any relationship the parties involved both have to want that - & I'm sorry to say, that for whatever reason, your wife doesn't seem to want that, perhaps at the moment, perhaps for ever.


As for how long you give it then that is a totally personal choice...some people would take action now whilst others would grin and bear it, hoping that it will change.


However at the forefront of your decision you need to think of what message this is sending to the children as it could give them a warped view of the way relationships are supposed to be.

I agree that I need to think about the message it sends to the children, but around them we are carrying on as normal. We don't argue, we don't shout, we don't do much different around them. I know it can't go on like this, but I'm not sure how long to go on like this for.

We have a short weekend break away planned in December, then its Christmas and new year and spending time together in those times may bring us close enough to talk more openly and for us to agree on boundaries in the relationship.
To be honest, I think that I'm in a co-dependent relationship in the sense that I rely on her and time with her for my happiness. So I need to work on me and getting more happiness outside the relationship, no matter how much that scares me. If I was happy in my own skin and with my friends then perhaps I would be more open to taking action if that makes sense?

As I've said before, I can't change others, I can only concentrate on myself. I need to be more selfish.

Comms69

To be honest, I'm in similar position.


balancing the family time with lack of relationship.


The more you do, the more you get taken for granted. It's nice to be nice and all that, but you do have to take a step back too.

LeesArt

Scorpio33 wrote: »

I wasn't going to update this thread, but I thought I better for my own sanity.

Things are not going well still.

In August, my wife basically forgot about our anniversary, flirted heavily with my best mate and then went off to a festival doing all sorts of drugs. My grandad then passed away and at his funeral (of all places), we had a massive row, which basically almost split us up. Since then, there has been no affection at all from her (not even a kiss) and the current situation is that she doesn't love me, but isn't sure if she wants to walk away or work on things.

So I have started relate counselling on my own, to at least get my head straight and feel as if I am doing all I can to save the marriage and make it work. I do know that nothing can be saved with only one of us trying of course, but I am hoping that my wife will see a positive change in me and want to come to counselling with me and work on things.

That has all lead to me doing some heavy thinking. Trying to work out the cause of all this and where things have gone wrong. My wife has pointed to a few occasions whereby my behaviour changed and she didn't like what she saw. At first, I took note and the counselling is helping me control (a) my temper and (b) stop me making sarcastic / hurful remarks.

But then I looked at what made me lose my temper and what the common theme is - and its drugs.

Since I knew my wife I knew she smoked pot, but I was never aware of anything harder than that. When we first started having issues was when she went out on a night out and took cocaine with her friends. I was fuming, but put it down to the severe stress we were under.

Fast forward to now, and I would say for at least the past year, my wife is taking cocaine at least once a month. At first, I tried to understand what the appeal of at all was, and to be reasonable with my wife as I wanted to help her see what I saw, rather than be the enemy. Then I realised I was enabling her in continuing to take Cocaine, so I laid it all out and told her just how against it I was. Since then I thought she had stopped taking it, until I found some in her purse (I was looking for some change in there with her permission).

Now before, I got the impression that it was just when she went out with friends, they had it and she went along with it and knew it was wrong, but enjoyed it so took it. Now I feel it is she is planning in advance and buying it prior to the night out.

I don't want to lose her, but this explains a lot about her behaviour, ties in to when she was taking it we were distant and I was not good to her and it also explains why I thought she could have been cheating on me, because of all the deception.

I am hurting badly, but i have a house and two kids with this lady and I want to help her. I know that can't happen until she wants help, but I am desperate to do something.

I know if I confront my wife or gave her an ultimatum, she would always choose the drugs over me. That is what addicts do. So that won't help. If I ask for a divorce, she gets everything and I would have to see someone else bringing my kids up. So all I can do is stay put in a sexless, loveless relationship whilst she uses me for moral support whilst she parties on drugs whilst going through a mid-life crisis.

On top of that, there are roumers floating around that the company I work for may be closing down in the new year, which brings an added layer of issues.


If anyone has any advice for me, I would really appreciate it.

Scorpio33 I am going to have to be honest with you and you may not like it.

I have read the whole thread and it seems you have been given excellent advice from regular contributors but you fail to take that advice.

To be honest you are a complete doormat and your message is quite pathetic, "Not even a kiss" “she forgot our anniversary” have you not figured it out yet? She finds you repulsive! She may lie back and think of England to get a kid or maybe if she thinks she will lose the roof or her cash cow, but that is as far as it goes.

You need to man up and sort this situation out once and for all; you started this thread in April, if you had taken the advice given you would be over the worst, but no, you drag it out.

Now we hear that in addition to this b%$%£"*& using you to pay for IVF and get a free roof over her head she is actually a drug addict (to me they are all addicts because they are weak minded idiots or scum).

Your biggest problem is that despite all she has done, you still think she is somehow worthy to be a partner and mother of your children. SHE IS NOT.

Forget confronting her, you know how that will end, she will just hate you more and start planning the best way to dump you while taking you for all she can (she is a leech it is her nature).

Forget the "cause" she is not worthy, your life is passing you by, as others have said, she has robbed you of your best years and you now need to end this.

You need to accept that and there is a way to draw that line in the sand, to do something that she can never forgive you for and that will help you in getting custody of the children.

You know what I am going to say don't you?

You say that when she goes out she now plans to take drugs, so there are times when you know she is carrying drugs and I suspect that she has enough to share with her drug taking mates.

So the questions are;

When does she buy these drugs?

Does she have them on her when she leaves the house?

Does she drive to her destination or take public transport?

The ideal scenario is that she is driving to a dinner or party where you know she will take drugs and you know the destination. You inform the Police close to the destination of her number plate, her description and you say you suspect that she is in possession of cocaine and enough to supply. They will wait for her at destination and arrest her as she enters property.

If you are aware that she is driving after drug taking that only adds to your obligation to report her, before she kills someone or their kids (imagine if it were your kids killed by a driver who was high on drugs).

Once she is convicted it will do two things; damage her reputation with Cafcass, social services and any Court required to rule on who is the most fit parent. It may also put an end to her taking drugs, although I doubt it. Most people who take drugs are extremely defensive, living in denial and dismissing the real harm they do.

This will also change the balance in the relationship, although my feeling is that the relationship should be terminated, but you do not take advice so no doubt in six months time you will come back saying she has taken the kids, made false allegations and kicked you out onto the street. This is very common when the gravy train goes dry, she will be better off on benefits with you kicked out.

The big question is whether you have what it takes to be the adult in this relationship, to be the responsible one?

For the sake of your kids I hope you are, she may bad mouth you but she is going to do that anyway as soon as she has sucked you dry of all you have to give (both financially and emotionally).

If you stand back you will realise that it is your kids that matter, what is in their best interests? A drug addict mum who has kicked out their father after leeching from the start or a father that takes responsibility and is prepared to be the carer if his soon to be Ex is unfit? They can learn first-hand the damage drugs do, she will always be their mother and who knows, it may make her get into rehab.

So stop being a doormat, make a note of her habits, "follow the money" (cash withdrawals) to figure out when she is buying drugs, try to get an idea of how much she is buying. Try taking what you find in her handbag out and hiding it (bury it in garden or something), just to see how she responds and how long it takes her to notice.

Something tells me you would rather bleat on here, ignore advice given and continue being grateful that she wipes her feet on the doormat you clearly are.

FBaby

As a man who earns the most

... and therefore supports her lifestyle.

Scorpio, you love her and therefore hang on trying to save your marriage. She doesn't love you any more, hasn't for some time and just stay because she doesn't want to give up what comes with you. If she could have that without you, I bet you she would have no doubt about what to do.

As for the drugs, you can't take the mighty position now. You have known for some time that she has been taking drugs and accepted it when you felt your marriage was ok. You can't develop a conscious on that matter just because that's the one thing you can use to try to get what you want, her to make you happy again.

As for her gaining custody... well if she's a regular user, even if only when she goes out, she would have to prove herself to SS. You would most likely get residency if you asked for it at least to start with.

You're not there yet. It's been months since your last post and you still haven't come to terms with the fact that your wife has stopped loving you for a long time yet. It's not going to happen again, not after all this time.

Archergirl

My heart bleeds for you and I wish I could help but I cannot.
Your wife is not fit to look after the children so that would be up to you I expect, I really don't know if it would help to ask her to choose drugs or family but if she chooses drugs then she must leave, if she chooses family then she must get help. Black and white I guess but she is ruining your life. I wish you well xx

kelpie35

I am so sorry for you OP

Please for the sake of your own sanity and the safe keeping of your children, you need to either ask her to leave or you take yourself and your children to somewhere safe.

Your wife is a drug addict, you cannot stand by and allow this to happen with young children around. You are a responsible parent and you now need to show everyone that you are putting yourself and children before and addict.

Money, house, Christmas etc are not important. Your well being and those of your children are far more important.

Please for everyone's sake ask her to go or take yourself and the children someplace safe.

gettingtheresometime

Scorpio33 wrote: »

To be honest, just assuming from what little information that is out there. Plus I don't really want to go down that route unless I had to, so I don't want to think about that too much yet.

I agree that I need to think about the message it sends to the children, but around them we are carrying on as normal. We don't argue, we don't shout, we don't do much different around them. I know it can't go on like this, but I'm not sure how long to go on like this for.

We have a short weekend break away planned in December, then its Christmas and new year and spending time together in those times may bring us close enough to talk more openly and for us to agree on boundaries in the relationship.

To be honest, I think that I'm in a co-dependent relationship in the sense that I rely on her and time with her for my happiness. So I need to work on me and getting more happiness outside the relationship, no matter how much that scares me. If I was happy in my own skin and with my friends then perhaps I would be more open to taking action if that makes sense?

As I've said before, I can't change others, I can only concentrate on myself. I need to be more selfish.

tbh I've always taken the attitude that to be forewarned is forearmed.

If you discuss with your wife the possibility of splitting up I bet my last £1 that she will immediately become loving & a changed character....& then hit you with some made up accusation so you're the one at fault.

Similarly that's why I say get proper legal advice beforehand....I wish my mum had listened to me when I told her to do the same