Wife doesn't love me anymore

justme111

Why is it so critical how long? Pick a number - 6 months, 12 months, 24 months. Give her the same time you have taken when you were not well.

DavidP24

Just to be clear, I would almost ALWAYS say that ANY relationship is worth rescuing, but in this case, the fact that it was built on lies means that OP will never be able to truly trust partner.

So once she realises that the real reason she is in this relationship is under threat she will say whatever she needs to say, to maintain her comforts. She can't unsay those things and the impasse for me is that it was before the marriage.

We all get so hung up dealing with life issues, job, career, home(s), kids, education, uni, that we sometimes forget to nurture the most important things in our lives. However, this was a relationship built on a foundation of lies, it was only a matter of time before it collapsed, the only Godsend is that he is young enough to find someone who really loves him for who he is, warts n all.

If you look at the basis of marriage counselling or of books like Dr Phil's relationship rescue, they fundamentally remind the reluctant partner of how they felt, they try to rekindle that fire. The problem here is that there never was any fire.

She did this because in her value set, her nature, it is acceptable. What I believe is that any couple needs closely aligned value sets and on that they can built the mutual trust and respect needed for a relationship to grow and grow strong, lifelong.

I may be some random guy on the internet but I am impartial, I deal with what is in front of me, no reason to be biased and I do not soft soap. Life is so short, illness can take away the years you thought you had, you never know what is around the corner. I would not give it six months, six weeks or six minutes, to me it is about working out the most amicable split as possible for the sake of the kids. That means no blaming, no bad mouthing, just an acceptance that there are reconcilable differences.

It is imperative that the kids are never told anything negative by either parent about the other parent, in fact they should always be defensive of them. What they need is to know it is not their fault and that both parents love them dearly.

It is not going to be easy but in these situations we develop inner strength, strength we maybe did not know we had.

justme111

Is it just me who finds David's adamant calls for divorce on basis of reported saying wife have not loved him ( we all have examples of things being not reported accurately , out of context; love is highly subjective and emotional thing which can not be defined and which have been misused extensively) to be disturbing ?

jackieblack

I find the 'Ignore' function to be very useful...

Scorpio33

Well she said "probably" before we were married when drunk.

The days after she said if she ever said that she never meant it, it was only since we had troubles conceiving (which I can believe as it was a stressful time and we were going through a lot then).

Now she is wondering why I seem unhappy and acts as if nothing is wrong.

She probably thinks I am over reacting.


The thing is if she said these things whilst we were going through a particularly difficult time I could perhaps understand that she says things in the heat of the moment, but I thought we were very happy and really beginning to have fun again. So why now?

I guess my big issue is that I never know where I stand with her. Since that night she has told me she loves me on several occasions, but I somehow don't believe it. Or if she does mean it, she means "..as a brother or friend".

This is a perfect example of why men can't ever seem to understand women...

DavidP24

Scorpio33 wrote: »

Well she said "probably" before we were married when drunk.

Scorpio33 wrote: »

my wife told me she didn't love me. She said she hasn't loved me for a long time, since before we were married and she only stayed with me as she knew I was her only chance of having kids and she wanted kids. She also said that i'm her best friend but there is no romantic attraction there.

The days after she said if she ever said that she never meant it, it was only since we had troubles conceiving (which I can believe as it was a stressful time and we were going through a lot then).

Now she is wondering why I seem unhappy and acts as if nothing is wrong.

She probably thinks I am over reacting.

The thing is if she said these things whilst we were going through a particularly difficult time I could perhaps understand that she says things in the heat of the moment, but I thought we were very happy and really beginning to have fun again. So why now?

I guess my big issue is that I never know where I stand with her. Since that night she has told me she loves me on several occasions, but I somehow don't believe it. Or if she does mean it, she means "..as a brother or friend".

This is a perfect example of why men can't ever seem to understand women...

As I said you can't unsay things and being drunk usually gets more truth out than not.

Now you add the word "probably", is that perhaps part of the bereavement denial/negotiation, makes it easier.

Not loving you since IVR is pretty dodgy for any man or woman, again selfish.

Look, when you come down to it, what do we all want and need from a partner?

Like others, I think unconditional acceptance of who we are, every aspect of us, the physical, the mental the whole package, of course it has to be reciprocal.

Often relationships are not balanced, for some it is OK as they are less confident but as they grow emotionally then the other party must accept their partner as an equal.

Of course you are trying to process this, why say it after your recent illness, why say it at at and why NOW?

None of the answers I can come up with are positive.

I think you owe her a series of visits to relate and she owes it to you.

They will delve into your childhood, look at the inner child and try to figure out what needs maybe brought you together in the first place. For YOU reading DrPhil's relationship rescue might help you understand relationships.

Remember this is one lady, a very significant chapter in your life no matter what, you will always be joined side to side at the hips because you have kids. However, you can't tar every other woman with the same brush.

You can't tell her your feelings and deal with this yourself because it seems that if she feels her wants are threatened she will say whatever you need to hear.

So my advice would be to simply tell her that you feel their relationship needs professional help; that the pair of you are too close to the issues and that you want to go to Relate, if she does not agree you have to say that you are sorry, this is a show stopper for you. Either you pull together to work on the relationship or it is the beginning of the end.

Do not go into Relate with any preconceptions, just flow with the programme, take your time, listen more than speak, especially at the beginning.

Towser

My personal view: feelings are fickle and come and go, but commitment is deciding to love someone forever, and them you.

If you love her work at it. People are not married for ages without ups and downs. Stick to it especially for the children that is the most important thing now. You owe your kids a stable life.

People are transient but need to keep an even keel. Good for all concerned.

You may just need to take some medication for a while to get through any rough patches and don't put too much responsibility of your moods on others. People want to be with you if you are fun and easy to get on with.

These are all good qualities to teach your children from now on. You need to grow up now, it's all about your kids now. Make a good life with them. Once she sees how good you are with the kids she will love you.

Lighten up and things will get better. Don't dwell on things too much you are overthinking stuff. It's not over yet. Don't ruin your life. It's so easy to give up when things are tough.

I hope this helps

Kayalana99

Just going to add my two cents.

There is a lot of pressure these days to have the 'perfect relationship'

A few of these are sterotypical, but bare in mind it is a generaliastion and not a 100% sticker on their back.

A woman in a marriage is expected to work, cook, look after children, keep a house, be supportive, caring, loving, stay in good health, maintain a 'healthy' sex life and be attracted to the same partner even years down the line, normally the family organisor liasing with both sides of the family for birthdays/xmas gifts and occasion, be best friends with each other.

A man is supposed to work, stay attracted to his partner, be loving, be romantic on occasions, again maintain a healthy sex life, come home from a long day and expected to cook/clean, do odd jobs around the house, help with the children, be supportive and understanding of her feelings, again be best friends.

There is a lot of pressure, but who would fall into all these catagories? After 20 years is every couple going to still be attracted to their partner? Are they going to be deeply in love like they first met? Are they going to have the same fun times as they did when they first met or compared to their best friends?

If the love is really 100% gone, and it wasn't just something she said on a bad night (which believe me despite posters saying so, can happen if someone is down and depressed they start to look towards their partner) then I think the relationship should be over, but personally, I'd still want to give her the benefit of the doubt she is in a bad place (as you have been) and maybe if she is given the chance to enjoy life again and out of the rut, she may feel differently. After being together for a long time, and being in a bad place, it's very easy to focus on the bad and wonder/doubt the whole relationship - esp since the night she said it, you had got back from a friends house if I'm wrong who I'm guessing, are a couple that go well together which brought the conversation up?

I haven't read all the posts, so I am clutching at straws a bit.

DavidP24

I would agree with most of that, I just can't get past the before they were married bit, but that is just me.

I get what your saying but imagine it is another 10 years or 15 years down the road, by this time she wants to find someone she actually loves, she dumps him and he is now way older.

At 37 you have more options, maybe more hair and own teeth!!

Kayalana99

DavidP24 wrote: »

I would agree with most of that, I just can't get past the before they were married bit, but that is just me.

I get what your saying but imagine it is another 10 years or 15 years down the road, by this time she wants to find someone she actually loves, she dumps him and he is now way older.

At 37 you have more options, maybe more hair and own teeth!!

I guess I am clutching but the thing that stands out the most to me is they had an amazing night round their friends house before this happened. There is a study that our happiness can be affected by how well our friends around us are doing, so simply by spending an evening with a seemly loving couple that seem to 'have it all' I can see how this would affect the OP's wife mind to lead to that sort of conversation...

I also do know it's easy to get in a rut and believe things/ think things that aren't actually true. With a clear head if she can honestly say she has never had love for the OP then I do feel it's best to move on, but who's to say when she has a clear head if she's in a depressive state ATM....