Why do older parents forget what it's like to have young children???

DigForVictory

OP, it's not going to be an easy night, and any "oh we'll be so pleased to see you all especially darling little one" will disappear in the thrill of large family party.

I've tried to get primary school age children to show up & be sweet & they've entirely correctly observed that granny barely noticed them.

Can you recruit other relatives who are parents to 'hold the fort' with your beloved for a 10 minute period so you can be sure they get some family attention & you get 10 minutes off?!

My other 'technique' would be to show up with asleep child, fasten carefully into seat & hope they stay under. (Gods it was easier when they were cot sized.)

Age does things to memories (& up to a point Thank God, I do not want to recall three labours in detail) but with spouse onside and coping strategies in place, it may not be total hell. The drive may be the easiest bit, but above all the drive home should be a joyful back to the familiar & trying to keep the character assassinations simmering until little one out cold in own bed.

"We did as we were told" - yep, and now we're trying not to raise our children quite that distortingly.
Have spouse onside or you have a 'do we have to' all the way there & 'I told you it would be awful' all the way back & that does Absolutely Nothing for maintaining family relationships. Or marriages.

trailingspouse

If your child needs a regular bedtime, and will be cranky during the meal, it might be better to get a sitter. A cranky child isn't fair on the child, and isn't fair on the rest of the guests.

Yes, it's easy to forget what having a small child is like (my baby will be 26 next week). But also, many older people have a lifetime of experience of children/grandchildren, and if they say 'Oh, he'll be OK', it's because, yes, he'll be OK.

You need to manage the situation - take things with you for him to play with (but don't bring them out until he's actually bored/fidgetty/ratty), allow doting aunts/grannies etc to take him off your hands if they offer, don't expect him to eat unfamiliar food (although give him the opportunity to try if he wants) - most restaurants have a kids menu, you can call ahead to see what's on it.

Does he 'sit up at the table' at home? Does he use a knife and fork? If he doesn't yet have these skills, then someone else's birthday party isn't the moment to start teaching them. He needs to practice at home first.

I don't understand your comment about the lack of thought for all guests - 7pm is a perfectly normal time for a celebration meal out. It's your parents' party, they can do what they want. If a 7pm kick-off doesn't suit some people, then they can politely decline the invitation - or suck it up and remember someone is paying to give them a good time.

elsien

Maybe they're also going by the number of people who have no issue keeping their children up late when on holiday or for other occasions, and think that as a one off it's not a problem? I know when I was a young child, I stayed up later than usual for family events - it's what many people do.

kathrynha

With a long car journey chances are they will sleep in the car, so their schedule will already be different to normal so it might not be that bad.


take stuff to keep your child entertained, and it doesn't have to be that bad.

misterzim

Wow, I like the responses which appear to have become attacks at my parenting skills - thank you for those!


My last response said I haven't asked for the time to be changed and that I know the whole world does not revolve around my child. My world revolves around my child because I want it to. I chose to have a child and don't feel the need to get rid of them every time I'm invited out to a meal etc just to make my life easier. The older generation may have dealt with things differently as there was a different mentality then. Times and people change. I'm raising my child to compromise amongst many other things. They don't nap in the day anymore and like I also said before, they still know when it's bedtime even after a nap in the car - the only other place they fall asleep. They're too big for a buggy and so that is not a solution either.


I also dislike late dinners. I prefer eating at 5-6pm. I am also the only one travelling any distance to the meal - 300 mile round trip.


I guess I should have laid out as many details in my first post or not have bothered at all.


Thanks to those with more constructive responses.

misterzim

Oh, and I'm one of two grandchildren with a great grandchild - the other won't even go because it's too much for them to travel with their 3 year old! So my child will be the only person under 30 at the dinner.

Rachel83

So why not just not go then? Surely you're not travelling back home 150 miles after dinner too? Then i would be suggesting that's too much for your 3 year old.

[Deleted User]

7pm isn't a late dinner! (And I'm the proud owner of two little kids).

You just need to stretch the day a bit.. usually by feeding breakfast and lunch a bit later, seeing if you can get them to go for a nap. Then hand them a phone/ipad loaded with peppa pig to keep them quiet during the dinner.

To be honest, I'd probably feed them before (my kids still eat at 5pm at 5 y.o. and 7 y.o.)

We've always had them go to bed at 7 and they still do, but we knew we can stretch them up to about 10pm if we had to.

Tiddlywinks

misterzim wrote: »

More of a venting post this one but need to ask what others think.


I'm travelling 150 miles this weekend to see family for a significant birthday. A local restaurant has been hired out for a large family gathering. I am taking my 3 year old with me and my dad decides it would be a good idea to book the table for 7pm - bang on my child's bedtime. Seriously!!!!


"Oh it'll be ok, they'll be fine" is the usual response I get. Or on trips out previously where my child has been tired and cranky and just wants to sleep I'd get "Oh, they're not tired, they just want to play".


Does anyone else get this from their parents now that you have a young child? Just interested.

A 150 mile trip is NOT that taxing to visit your parents. It's hardly 'planes, trains and automobiles' territory.

The party is a large family event - your child is NOT the only consideration. I'm sure many others have their own issues, likes, dislikes etc but will just suck it up.

I really hate this change in attitudes where parents feel the world needs to bend to accommodate them... how about demonstrating (therefore setting a good example to your child) that sometimes we all have to adapt and fall in with others. It's an important life lesson that will make life more tolerable for all concerned.

I come from an Italian heritage where, at three years old, I would sit at the table for family meals, eating the same food, chatted away without interrupting, would not leave the table to wander around and would generally be expected to behave.

You've started this from the opposite view - that it is near impossible for a child to attend a family meal at 7pm and act appropriately.

I (and the next generations of my family) are living proof that a 3yo child can be taught how to behave during late family meals.... it's all about expectations, training and an understanding that children take their cues from adults and should not be allowed to dictate the timetables of life events.

leespot

misterzim wrote: »

Wow, I like the responses which appear to have become attacks at my parenting skills - thank you for those!


My last response said I haven't asked for the time to be changed and that I know the whole world does not revolve around my child. My world revolves around my child because I want it to. I chose to have a child and don't feel the need to get rid of them every time I'm invited out to a meal etc just to make my life easier. The older generation may have dealt with things differently as there was a different mentality then. Times and people change. I'm raising my child to compromise amongst many other things. They don't nap in the day anymore and like I also said before, they still know when it's bedtime even after a nap in the car - the only other place they fall asleep. They're too big for a buggy and so that is not a solution either.


I also dislike late dinners. I prefer eating at 5-6pm. I am also the only one travelling any distance to the meal - 300 mile round trip.


I guess I should have laid out as many details in my first post or not have bothered at all.


Thanks to those with more constructive responses.

In all honesty, you'd probably be better off not going. If this was a weekly event I'd understand your issues, but as a one off? Completely OTT for something so trivial. Either go and enjoy it, or don't go at all and let everyone else enjoy it. It sounds like you'd be sat there with a gob on if you did go.

I appreciate that sounds very harsh - but it isn't supposed to. I had a relative plan their wedding at a time to avoid children being able to attend - 3:30pm on a week day. That relative then took a massive hissy fit when some of us with children in school either a) didn't take them off school for the wedding or b) didn't go to the wedding at all. (I didn't go at all, made life much easier and I now have a few less toxic people in my life. Result! )

Incidentally, if you do decide to go, try and get in a more positive mindset otherwise you won't enjoy it.