Getting rid of lodger...also a friend AWKWARD!

black_wings

Hello folks. Looking for some advice how you would deal with the following awkward situation..

Boyfriend and I are currently renting a 2 bed whilst we save up to buy. A friend was homeless at the time due to marriage ending. His work is minimum wage and low hours (IMO this is through his choice) and he was staying on a friends sofa. We agreed to let him move into our spare room at a very subsidised rate. We even paid his van moving costs.
I assumed during this time said friend would have applied for either a better paying job and/or more hours (only works 2 days per week even though a young guy with no health problems). He's a graduate from university.
12 months on and this friend has never bought a single thing for the house, toilet roll etc. has never contributed towards any of the cleaning and doesn't care for the house (i.e. breaks things). Never even lifted the hoover in 12 months! Also he stays up until 4am every day playing music or video games very loudly/slamming doors which has really had an impact on my sleep and I've been left feeling tired for a year now.

Now, we have found ourselves in the position to buy much sooner than we thought. Are currently waiting to exchange and move in will be end of May. We have told him now so effectively giving him 2 months 'notice'.
My worry is that during this 2 months he is not going to find anywhere else to live and we will be stuck offering to take him with us. The whole reason for buying is to have our own space.
I don't know how he will find somewhere to live due to his salary (about 500 per month?). We live in London so rent isn't cheap. I don't think he'd even afford a house share on these wages and has no money for a deposit.
I am inclined to say it's not my responsibility? I have worked hard over the last 3 years to save for a deposit and after 8 years of sharing I now want my own space.
He is going to make us feel bad about 'throwing him out' as he has no money but is that really my fault? I personally think we did a really good favour by taking him in for 12 months at much lower than market rate rent and he should have used this time to sort himself out.
In my opinion he chooses this situation as he over the last 12 months he has not applied for a single job. He must seem to think opportunities just magically appear from thin air?

My boyfriend feels bad for him and will say he can come with us for a while but the problem is I worry he will never be in a position to leave and it will drag on and be more difficult and awkward to ask him to leave once it's our own property as he'll see it as we have spare room so why can't he stay?
Am I being unreasonable?
I don't want children so surely don't want to adopt a grown adult haha.

professor~yaffle

black_wings wrote: »

Hello folks. Looking for some advice how you would deal with the following awkward situation..

Boyfriend and I are currently renting a 2 bed whilst we save up to buy. A friend was homeless at the time due to marriage ending. His work is minimum wage and low hours (IMO this is through his choice) and he was staying on a friends sofa. We agreed to let him move into our spare room at a very subsidised rate. We even paid his van moving costs.
I assumed during this time said friend would have applied for either a better paying job and/or more hours (only works 2 days per week even though a young guy with no health problems). He's a graduate from university.
12 months on and this friend has never bought a single thing for the house, toilet roll etc. has never contributed towards any of the cleaning and doesn't care for the house (i.e. breaks things). Never even lifted the hoover in 12 months! Also he stays up until 4am every day playing music or video games very loudly/slamming doors which has really had an impact on my sleep and I've been left feeling tired for a year now.

Now, we have found ourselves in the position to buy much sooner than we thought. Are currently waiting to exchange and move in will be end of May. We have told him now so effectively giving him 2 months 'notice'.
My worry is that during this 2 months he is not going to find anywhere else to live and we will be stuck offering to take him with us. The whole reason for buying is to have our own space.
I don't know how he will find somewhere to live due to his salary (about 500 per month?). We live in London so rent isn't cheap. I don't think he'd even afford a house share on these wages and has no money for a deposit.
I am inclined to say it's not my responsibility? I have worked hard over the last 3 years to save for a deposit and after 8 years of sharing I now want my own space.
He is going to make us feel bad about 'throwing him out' as he has no money but is that really my fault? I personally think we did a really good favour by taking him in for 12 months at much lower than market rate rent and he should have used this time to sort himself out.
In my opinion he chooses this situation as he over the last 12 months he has not applied for a single job. He must seem to think opportunities just magically appear from thin air?

My boyfriend feels bad for him and will say he can come with us for a while but the problem is I worry he will never be in a position to leave and it will drag on and be more difficult and awkward to ask him to leave once it's our own property as he'll see it as we have spare room so why can't he stay?
Am I being unreasonable?
I don't want children so surely don't want to adopt a grown adult haha.

Are you insane?? I'm not even sure how you've managed to put up with this guy for 12months - I think if it were me he'd have been buried under the patio by now - but you and your other half need to take this opportunity of getting rid once and for all, and moving to a new place seems the perfect opportunity to do it.

spadoosh

Youre not being unreasonable.

Seems like hes happy to stay on easy street (and it feels so sweet cause the world is but a treat when youre on easy street). Maybe he'll take more responsibility when he has to, if not its still not your responsibility.

If i was in his situation i would expect friends to show me how to do things not expect them done for me. So show him how to find a place. Show him how to find a job etc. Dont just take on his responsibility because he wont.

Tell your fella to stop being soft, say you dont see your future as a trio.

It takes some people a while to get out of the Uni mindset and some people just dont.

thorsoak

This is where you put your foot down with a firm hand - and tell BF that you will NOT move into your new home if this friend comes too! That you have not scrimped and saved to enable a scrounger to move in with you.

The end!

[Deleted User]

Sounds like the guy reverted to acting like a teenager. He's now got his notice and it is his problem. You've given some very generous help.

It may sound crazy - but can you contact his parents?

oystercatcher

If you do nothing he will tag along to the new place like a teenage child . You need to start being proactive 'parent types' NOW , start nagging/ discussing where he will go and how he will fund it . Help him find a room in a house share and point out appropriate jobs. If this fails then track down his family to take him on. Otherwise you will have an adult child for life.

You've been too soft for too long and he has taken advantage and not bothered to take responsibility for himself. No doubt you will be blamed for making his life difficult but it sounds like now or never, if he gets in the new place he won't move in a hurry.

Pollycat

Just curious - are you allowed under your rental agreement to sub-let your house?

Is there any written agreement between you and your lodger?

You've already told him that you are leaving your rented place in May - what was his response/reaction to that?
Have you made it clear that he will not be moving in with you?
You and your partner need to be on the same page with this.
No point you telling him he needs to find his own place if your partner is making noises that contradict that.

If there is any fault to be attributed to you, it's that you've made it far too comfortable for this guy to live a very easy (and probably very cheap) life for a long time.
It's a pity you didn't stipulate that he should make an effort to increase his income so he can find a place of his own months ago.
And set down rules about what he should do about the house.

Out of interest, perhaps you could say how much he is paying to stay with you and what that covers (e.g. food, bills etc).

I don't think you are being unreasonable or unfair.
I'd question whether this guy really is a friend or just a !!!!!!!!!!.

black_wings

Thanks all for the responses so far. I want rid by it's BFs mate so this is why it's so awkward.
When we told him on the weekend about buying our own place and that he could come with us for a while if he needs to the response was 'well i don't really like that area and don't want to live there but I suppose I'll have to I've got not choice'. I felt like saying, okay go sort yourself out then. BF is a sap and doesn't want to have difficult conversations whereas I am like a raging bull. Hah!
Said friend also has a small child which he has custody of during weekends which makes life difficult as I don't like children and don't want them living with me/they tend to destroy the house and now we are left to take responsibility from our tenancy deposit.
RE telling his parents, he lived with them for a few months before becoming a sofa surfer but they kicked him out (presumably because he is lazy and hard to live with?) He now does not have any contact with a single member of his family.
He is unfortunately one of those people who blames his problems on everyone else not realising perhaps it is him with the problem.
I desperately want my own space. Boyfriend and I have never lived alone; we've sacrificed by flat sharing for 4 years in order to save every penny to buy now I want to enjoy the hard work paying off!

BrassicWoman

BF needs to have this conversation. I am not sure I'd be buying with BF if he won't.

comeandgo

I think you have to be cruel to be kind, he has to go, he's quite happy sponging off people and sees no need to change. How can he be a friend when he seems to have no respect for your belongings. I could not cope with this sort of person living with me, he would be told to leave.

black_wings

Pollycat wrote: »

Just curious - are you allowed under your rental agreement to sub-let your house?

Is there any written agreement between you and your lodger?

You've already told him that you are leaving your rented place in May - what was his response/reaction to that?
Have you made it clear that he will not be moving in with you?
You and your partner need to be on the same page with this.
No point you telling him he needs to find his own place if your partner is making noises that contradict that.

If there is any fault to be attributed to you, it's that you've made it far too comfortable for this guy to live a very easy (and probably very cheap) life for a long time.
It's a pity you didn't stipulate that he should make an effort to increase his income so he can find a place of his own months ago.
And set down rules about what he should do about the house.

Out of interest, perhaps you could say how much he is paying to stay with you and what that covers (e.g. food, bills etc).

I don't think you are being unreasonable or unfair.
I'd question whether this guy really is a friend or just a !!!!!!!!!!.

When it was all originally agreed he said he could only afford to give us 400 a month, this includes all bills. So we agreed. We pay the remaining 1100. Before moving in he made all the noises about how he was going to get a better job, would help around the house etc.
I have brought up with him multiple times about the cleaning.
Over the months I have found him very lazy with regards to finding a job etc but I just thought well it's none of my business how he wants to lead his life but obviously only now that we are looking to move out it becomes an issue. He is currently blaming us saying 'well I was planning on getting a new job soon and moving out anyway but now you've just sprung it on me you've made it too difficult for me'. I'm fairly sure that if it was another 12 or 24 months we'd still be having the same situation.
He has had it easy and as a result been complacent I suppose. He will get a shock when he realises the going rate of renting a room in a house share in our area.