Drama Queen, Attention Seeking SIL Woes

Pop_Up_Pirate

Anoneemoose wrote: »

Hi all,

I want to start by saying that I have NEVER encoutered issues with relatives in my whole life (apart from my biological father, but that's cos he's just awful). I also want to point out that although you will only get my side of the story, it is how it is.

So, my SIL (husband's brother's wife) has always been a bit of an attention seeking drama queen, but we all just used to take it with a pinch of salt and let her get on with it. As years have gone on, she has gotten worse..to the point where she slags off every member of my husband's family, including his parents, who are absolutely wonderful and do so much for us all. I have kept the messages she has previously sent me showing exactly what she's said, although that wasn't deliberate, more just I never deleted them. Hubby knows what she's like and has seen these messages.

Anyway, last week she caused so much hassle because she got her wires crossed about a situtation (which was actually not really a situation until she got involved), with our daughter. To summarise that bit, she messaged me out of feigned concern, I replied with a reasonable reply and that really should have been the end of it. But no, not satisfied with my response, she only went and messaged my husband behind my back (he was sat next to me and knew all about it anywsy and there really was NO need at all). Knowing what she's like with her drama seeking, I messaged her back the next day, saying it was neither necessary or appropriate for her to go to my hubby and that by doing so, she was either questioning my abilities as a parent (I successfully raised a well adjusted, polite, hardworking young man pretty much by myself, as well as the 2 smaller kids I have with hubby), or she was undermining my relationship with hubbv (as if we don't discuss our kids), or she was just stirring the poo! I said I we appreciate she cares for our kids, but that she should please leave the parenting to us in future.

She only went and got his parents involved by telling them a sob story about how we were horrible (I promise we weren't), she also basically told his parents the completely wrong information and held back some of the facts (obviously to suit her). Now, as I say, we all normally get along, we have great relationships with my parents and his parents, as well as his sister, her hubby and son. It is only since SIL has turned up that there have been any issues at all. It ended up with hubby having a heated discussion with his parents, which left him really upset because he is so close to them. And doesn't believe they should be invilved in anything like this, because it would worry them, when really it should have been a non issue. They have since talked and sorted it out, but it has left us both feeling awkward and upset that they would take SILs word for things, without even asking us.

SIL then messaged hubby last night (she won't actually talk about it, just texts), saying she wasn't aware she had initially got the wrong end of the stick (in which case none of this would have happened). Hubby replied reiterating our previous stance and that she wasn't the only one to be affected by it and that he was most upset that she'd involved his parents and if ever we disagree about anything ever again, they are not to be involved. She replied with another self centred 'it's all about me' message. She really cannot see past the end of her nose. She is close to hubby's parents because her own aren't very nice (which is I suspect reason for her behaviour sometimtes), but she's nearly 30 for crying out loud. Because of this, and their trusting nature, hubby's parents believe every word she says.

I know the general feeling is that we should just ignore her, and we do for the most part, being polite when we see her, but when she creates issues like this, meaning we are dragged into it and have to respond.

Sorry for such a long drama, but has anyone got any experience of similat and can anyone advise how to handle her for the most peaceful outcome all round.

Many thanks.

Yes. Stop texting her. You're just enabling her behaviour.

Pollycat

barbiedoll wrote: »

I get the distinct feeling that this is the latest in a long line of imaginary dramas from SIL and that you simply felt like finally saying what you thought when you sent her the message.

Personally, I'd have probably snapped long before now and told her to mind her own business, but then again, I'm an argumentative old trout at the best of times. For her to go to your in-laws and state that you left your daughter "home alone" is simply s**t-stirring, if you ask me.

She knows you and your family well and I can't believe that she would honestly think that you would do that anyway, I think you're being generous in calling her a "drama queen", she's more like a bossy, interfering, bored harridan with nothing better to do than spend her evenings texting someone else's husband with imaginary slights against his wife.

I think you're a saint for putting up with her for this long. And I echo what others have said, ignore, ignore, ignore. Why are you answering her puerile texts, and why does she want to Instagram a 10 year old? Can't she get a job, or do some volunteering or something, to give her life a bit of meaning? Maybe she wouldn't have to be so involved in the nitty-gritty of your family life if she had something else to occupy her?

Rise above it, and give her a bit of a wider berth in future. And yes, your daughter shouldn't be advertising the fact that she's walking home alone. But she's 10 years old and proud of being a bit grown-up. Unlike her auntie it seems!

I might have missed it but I can't see where the OP says her SIL doesn't have a job.

Pop_Up_Pirate

Anoneemoose wrote: »

As I said in previous replies, yes I can see that me sending the message didn't help. But the 'drama' was about her going to his parents, when it was not neccessary to involve them.

And absolutely, if she really thought my child was not safe or if I was doing something neglectful, then of course she should raise it. However, I had alread told her that my husband and I had discussed the situation together and we had both decided that the situation with my daughter was 'ok'. Why go to him after that if not to cause trouble? The way she contacted him was as if she didn't believe me at all, and there is no reason not to. In addition to which, she was wrong about what the situation was in the first place. So, it may have been prudent for her to actually check the facts before involving anyone else.

I think you caused the upset, not the SIL.

Anoneemoose

Pop_Up_Pirate wrote: »

I think you caused the upset, not the SIL.

How so please? Particularly in relation to the bit you quoted?

Anoneemoose

Pollycat wrote: »

I might have missed it but I can't see where the OP says her SIL doesn't have a job.

Yes, she does work part time.

Pop_Up_Pirate

Anoneemoose wrote: »

He keeps a low profile and doesn't get involved in anything, AT ALL. He's very socially anxious and doesn't like interaction with hardly anyone, so we hardly see or hear from him. I appreciate this will come across as derogatory, but it's simply the best way to describe it, but she definitely 'wears the trousers' in their relationship. It alsoncomes across as him 'doing as he's told' for the most part.

Sounds as though hes the only one with any sense.

Pop_Up_Pirate

Anoneemoose wrote: »

How so please? Particularly in relation to the bit you quoted?

Becasue you admitted to being put out by her text in the first place.
And then you were put out by her texting hubby.

You just seem to have gotten bent out of shape too easily.

Drama can only occur if people allow it. And you definitely allowed it by perpetuating it.

Anoneemoose

Pop_Up_Pirate wrote: »

Sounds as though hes the only one with any sense.

I agree. We also keep a low profile for most of the time, too. If you have read the whole thread you would see I have explained that this behaviour has occured before and we have ignored it. It's slightly different though, when someone goes and tells your in laws that you have left your child home alone when you haven't. Regardless of my mistake at messaging her last week (THAT message the day after if happened), I am sure anyone who was in our situation would be upset about that, and the fact that my in laws had a go at us because of it.

Also, to summarise:

Sil sends first message as explained in OP.
I respond politely later saying I have discussed it with hubby and daughter and all sorted.
She sends a snarky reply back, which I didn't need to respond to.
She then messages hubby, telling him exactly the same, as if I hadn't actually told him.
He replied with a short reply confirming he was aware and all's ok.
I send 'the message' the next day, which (IMO) wasn't rude or nasty, but as I have agreed, a mistake, in hindsight.
She then tells in laws the wrong information, causing them worry, anger towards us and and argument with hubby.
Not sure what else I could have done in the situation (apart from not send 'the message').

Please let me know if you would have responded differently..I'd be interested to know, so i can learn for future.

I couldn't not reply to the original message, so I can't see how that was wrong. I certainly wasn't rude or nasty??

Anoneemoose

Pop_Up_Pirate wrote: »

Becasue you admitted to being put out by her text in the first place.
And then you were put out by her texting hubby.

You just seem to have gotten bent out of shape too easily.

Drama can only occur if people allow it. And you definitely allowed it by perpetuating it.

If I was bent out of shape 'too easily', I would have retaliated to her pervious dramas, of which I have explained. I have also already thoroughly explained why I was put out at her texting hubby ON THIS OCCASION ONLY. Hubby agreed she seemed as if she was interfering by doing that.

Pollycat

Anoneemoose wrote: »

Sil sends first message as explained in OP.
I respond politely later saying I have discussed it with hubby and daughter and all sorted.
She sends a snarky reply back, which I ignore.
She then messages hubby, telling him exactly the same, as if I hadn't actually told him.
He replied with a short reply confirming he was aware and all's ok.
I send 'the message' the next day, which (IMO) wasn't rude or nasty, but as I have agreed, a mistake, in hindsight.
She then tells in laws the wrong information, causing them worry, anger towards us and and argument with hubby.
Not sure what else I could have done in the situation (apart from not send 'the message').

Please let me know if you would have responded differently..I'd be interested to know, so i can learn for future.

I couldn't not reply to the original message, so I can't see how that was wrong. I certainly wasn't rude or nasty??

Well, for starters, I'd have told the in-laws that the SIL had - either mistakenly or deliberately - misunderstood what your daughter was doing.
That she wasn't on her own at home but was walking home from school.
Something that both you and your husband had discussed and agreed that your daughter was capable of.
And it was an action that you both - in separate texts - had told your SIL was not a problem.
And if they are going to get angry at something you've done, they'd better be sure that they haven't got hold of the wrong end of the stick.

TBH, it sounds like you are all in each other's pockets rather than keeping a low profile.