Drama Queen, Attention Seeking SIL Woes

Anoneemoose

Hi all,

I want to start by saying that I have NEVER encoutered issues with relatives in my whole life (apart from my biological father, but that's cos he's just awful). I also want to point out that although you will only get my side of the story, it is how it is.

So, my SIL (husband's brother's wife) has always been a bit of an attention seeking drama queen, but we all just used to take it with a pinch of salt and let her get on with it. As years have gone on, she has gotten worse..to the point where she slags off every member of my husband's family, including his parents, who are absolutely wonderful and do so much for us all. I have kept the messages she has previously sent me showing exactly what she's said, although that wasn't deliberate, more just I never deleted them. Hubby knows what she's like and has seen these messages.

Anyway, last week she caused so much hassle because she got her wires crossed about a situtation (which was actually not really a situation until she got involved), with our daughter. To summarise that bit, she messaged me out of feigned concern, I replied with a reasonable reply and that really should have been the end of it. But no, not satisfied with my response, she only went and messaged my husband behind my back (he was sat next to me and knew all about it anywsy and there really was NO need at all). Knowing what she's like with her drama seeking, I messaged her back the next day, saying it was neither necessary or appropriate for her to go to my hubby and that by doing so, she was either questioning my abilities as a parent (I successfully raised a well adjusted, polite, hardworking young man pretty much by myself, as well as the 2 smaller kids I have with hubby), or she was undermining my relationship with hubbv (as if we don't discuss our kids), or she was just stirring the poo! I said I we appreciate she cares for our kids, but that she should please leave the parenting to us in future.

She only went and got his parents involved by telling them a sob story about how we were horrible (I promise we weren't), she also basically told his parents the completely wrong information and held back some of the facts (obviously to suit her). Now, as I say, we all normally get along, we have great relationships with my parents and his parents, as well as his sister, her hubby and son. It is only since SIL has turned up that there have been any issues at all. It ended up with hubby having a heated discussion with his parents, which left him really upset because he is so close to them. And doesn't believe they should be invilved in anything like this, because it would worry them, when really it should have been a non issue. They have since talked and sorted it out, but it has left us both feeling awkward and upset that they would take SILs word for things, without even asking us.

SIL then messaged hubby last night (she won't actually talk about it, just texts), saying she wasn't aware she had initially got the wrong end of the stick (in which case none of this would have happened). Hubby replied reiterating our previous stance and that she wasn't the only one to be affected by it and that he was most upset that she'd involved his parents and if ever we disagree about anything ever again, they are not to be involved. She replied with another self centred 'it's all about me' message. She really cannot see past the end of her nose. She is close to hubby's parents because her own aren't very nice (which is I suspect reason for her behaviour sometimtes), but she's nearly 30 for crying out loud. Because of this, and their trusting nature, hubby's parents believe every word she says.

I know the general feeling is that we should just ignore her, and we do for the most part, being polite when we see her, but when she creates issues like this, meaning we are dragged into it and have to respond.

Sorry for such a long drama, but has anyone got any experience of similat and can anyone advise how to handle her for the most peaceful outcome all round.

Many thanks.

tensandunits_2

You all need to work together on this one. One way to deal with attention-seekers and stirrers - blank them, or challenge their behaviour as a group. Otherwise she will play you all off each other, as she appears to be doing.

rach_k

I know it's hard if somebody is always in the middle of a big dramatic event and stirs things up, but...

Anoneemoose wrote: »

Knowing what she's like with her drama seeking, I messaged her back the next day, saying it was neither necessary or appropriate for her to go to my hubby and that by doing so, she was either questioning my abilities as a parent (I successfully raised a well adjusted, polite, hardworking young man pretty much by myself, as well as the 2 smaller kids I have with hubby), or she was undermining my relationship with hubbv (as if we don't discuss our kids), or she was just stirring the poo! I said I we appreciate she cares for our kids, but that she should please leave the parenting to us in future.

How different would the situation have been if, knowing what she's like, you had simply ignored the message to your husband or just had him reply telling her the same thing you said?

While it's not nice if somebody is full on drama-llama 24/7, you can't change how she behaves. You can moderate your own reaction to her antics. A simple "Yes, as the Mrs said, LO is fine" from your husband would have conveyed the message that you're a team/couple/aware of the messages without creating even more drama. If she's a drama queen, you probably gave her something fun to get her teeth into!

If she's always at it, I do understand why you might need to release some steam every now and then - we can't always ignore everything - but I'd really try! There are a couple of people like that in our families and over the years I've always found it best to ignore their rubbish and react in a very boring way. Then have a good moan/stomp/rant/laugh with the husband afterwards!

Rain_Shadow

Strikes me you are all as bad as each other.

Anoneemoose

Rain_Shadow wrote: »

Strikes me you are all as bad as each other.

How so? She caused an issue out of nothing. I responded to that, in a way I thought firm, but polite. She then caused further issues by involving his parents, who had no need to be involved. As I said, there have been no issues prior to her coming along, and for the most part, we ignore it.

Anoneemoose

tensandunits wrote: »

You all need to work together on this one. One way to deal with attention-seekers and stirrers - blank them, or challenge their behaviour as a group. Otherwise she will play you all off each other, as she appears to be doing.

Thank you. I agree. And she does. The messages I have mentioned contain some awful things she has said, particularly about hubby's sis. But then she acts as nice as pie around her. I would never use these messages to cause trouble, or hurt my parents in law, but I am now glad I didn't delete them, because it really does show her for who she is.

Anoneemoose

rach_k wrote: »

I know it's hard if somebody is always in the middle of a big dramatic event and stirs things up, but...



How different would the situation have been if, knowing what she's like, you had simply ignored the message to your husband or just had him reply telling her the same thing you said?

While it's not nice if somebody is full on drama-llama 24/7, you can't change how she behaves. You can moderate your own reaction to her antics. A simple "Yes, as the Mrs said, LO is fine" from your husband would have conveyed the message that you're a team/couple/aware of the messages without creating even more drama. If she's a drama queen, you probably gave her something fun to get her teeth into!

If she's always at it, I do understand why you might need to release some steam every now and then - we can't always ignore everything - but I'd really try! There are a couple of people like that in our families and over the years I've always found it best to ignore their rubbish and react in a very boring way. Then have a good moan/stomp/rant/laugh with the husband afterwards!

You're right, I probably did inflame the situation by sending 'the message', but as I say, it wasn't horrible, more a firm, polite, we have it under control, please leave us to it and of course, I expressed that I didn't think it necessary or appropriate she messaged hubby after messaging me, which was the truth. You're also right about it being about letting off steam, because I normally let it go over my head, but I think the last few months have gotten to me because of her two facedness..all the messages I mention are horrible and then she acts all nice when the people she's slagged off are around. And the general drama about everything going on in her life is draining.

This situation seems to have resolved itself, so I will ignore in future. As i say, we are always polite and interact with her, hence his parents' surprise at there being any problem anyway.

tea_lover

Honestly.... it sounds like you did yourself no favours here. If you already think she's a stirrer and attention seeker then why on earth give her something to react to like that? You and your husband should have jut laughed at her messages, rolled your eyes and forgotten about it.

Sounds like there's more than one drama queen in the family tbh.

pollypenny

Yes gods, the opening post is a good drama queen tirade!

Let it go!

Anoneemoose

tea_lover wrote: »

Honestly.... it sounds like you did yourself no favours here. If you already think she's a stirrer and attention seeker then why on earth give her something to react to like that? You and your husband should have jut laughed at her messages, rolled your eyes and forgotten about it.

Sounds like there's more than one drama queen in the family tbh.

I've already said that, and the reasons why I sent the message, being a sort of 'straw that broke the camel's back' scenario. In addition, I wasn't (in my opinion of course) nasty.

No drama under normal circumstances this end, just a genuine ask for advice as I have not had this sort of situation before.

Anoneemoose

pollypenny wrote: »

Yes gods, the opening post is a good drama queen tirade!

Let it go!

Or maybe just a full account of the situation so that readers had all of the facts. I have never encountered such a situation with a family member before, hence my request for advice.