Drama Queen, Attention Seeking SIL Woes

Anoneemoose

Pollycat wrote: »

I can't see why it was necessary for your husband to have an argument with his parents.

Why didn't he simply say:
X was wrong.
We didn't leave her home alone.
She walked home from school.
That's all.
She's 10 and old enough.

To summarise:
SIL was wrong.
You were wrong.
Your in-laws were wrong.
Your husband was wrong.
And your daughter was wrong for taking a photo and posting it on social media when you'd told her to keep her phone in her pocket out of sight.

He only had an argument because they had a go at him for leaving our daughter home alone, and he was upset. He obviously did explain it all properly and I believe his parents spoke to SIL afterwards requesting to know why she had told them incorrectly.

And yep your summary is pretty much correct, albeit the parents in law being wrong could have been avoided had she not told them.

ognum

Anoneemoose wrote: »

He only had an argument because they had a go at him for leaving our daughter home alone, and he was upset. He obviously did explain it all properly and I believe his parents spoke to SIL afterwards requesting to know why she had told them incorrectly.

And yep your summary is pretty much correct, albeit the parents in law being wrong could have been avoided had she not told them.

You really don't get it do you, there were many things that you, your daughter and your husband did that could have prevented the grandparents getting involved but you are determined that it's only you SIL who could have prevented that

AylesburyDuck

ognum wrote: »

You really don't get it do you, there were many things that you, your daughter and your husband did that could have prevented the grandparents getting involved but you are determined that it's only you SIL who could have prevented that

Nope, you've lost me as well, i dont get it either.
Sil should have kept her nose out, especially after getting the wrong end of the stick.

Anoneemoose

ognum wrote: »

You really don't get it do you, there were many things that you, your daughter and your husband did that could have prevented the grandparents getting involved but you are determined that it's only you SIL who could have prevented that

Are you deliberately being argumentative? What is it you think I don'5 get? Of course I get it. It has nothing whatsoever to do with anyone other than my husband and I and our daughter (and for the brief period of time that she was involved, SIL). I have already explained numerous times I accept I was wrong for messaging her that message. I have also explained that we discussed the situation with our daughter, made sure she knew not to do it again, relayed this to SIL (both of us did) and this should have been enough. In addition to which she DID NOT tell our parents in law the correct information, so in my (and hubby's) opinions, there was only her could have prevented that. It was wholly unecessary to involve his parents, who she knows would worry about it all anyway, when there was nothing for them to worry about. What gave her the right and what was the point of her going to parents in law? She told them something completely untrue, and it was after the other situation was resolved, as far as we were aware.

I am not asking for people to tell me I am right..based on what happened, I STILL believe that what SIL did by telling the parents and messaging hubby in those circumstances, was inappropriate. If people are disagreeing with me, I am taking it on board and considering it (like I did about the fact I inflamed the situation by messaging her). And my responses are trying to explain more. My reasons for posting was because this situation is not the first, is ongoing with her and is unpleasant, so I wanted to know how manage it going forward. I now know the best thing is to ignore her.

Pollycat

Can I just ask where your SIL's husband - i.e. your husband's brother - is in all of this mess?

What does he have to say?

thorsoak

You can do absolutely nothing about what has happened in the past - it has happened - end of. What you should be doing - you and your OH - is working on a strategy as to how you deal with the drama-llama in the future - and my advice is - make her dramatics a family joke - "oh-oh - what will drama-llama have to say about this" - and make more and more outrageous suggestions as to what she would say ...and do this publicly - to mil and fil as well as siblings ....she will soon learn to keep her mouth shut.

We took this attitude with a relative who was always late for everything - including arriving at a wedding, walking down the aisle after the bride - and who everyone referred to as "the late xxxxx". She now arrives on time!

Anoneemoose

Pollycat wrote: »

Can I just ask where your SIL's husband - i.e. your husband's brother - is in all of this mess?

What does he have to say?

He keeps a low profile and doesn't get involved in anything, AT ALL. He's very socially anxious and doesn't like interaction with hardly anyone, so we hardly see or hear from him. I appreciate this will come across as derogatory, but it's simply the best way to describe it, but she definitely 'wears the trousers' in their relationship. It alsoncomes across as him 'doing as he's told' for the most part.

Scrimps

OP, just want to say, I havent seen a post youve made on this thread that I disagree with. Not that you need the validation but sometimes it helps.

Probably couldve handled it better but who doesnt make mistakes? If ignoring doesnt work, sometimes, with interfering people it can help to say: 'Thank you for your message, I hear what youre saying.'
What you do with that message afterwards is entirely up to you, the person feels acknowledged.

If they continue to undermine you: 'Im sure its not your intention, but I feel undermined by behaviour xyz. Talk about behaviour, dont say 'you'. 'Please dont do it again...I request that you do xyz (dont it and dont go behind my back) instead'.

If they continue to cross boundaries and it has an effect. Point out they crossed the boundary, 'this' is the effect it has had and that you wont tolerate it again.

If they do it again, point out that you have requested that they stop this more than once, they have continued and 'the outcome is xyz' (this is where I would cut them out of my life as much as possible or refuse to listen to or acknowledge their opinions again, and tell them I am doing so) but you may not want to follow that path - decide your own boundaries.

I would also CC in my husband on all the messages previously sent so everyone is clear and she can see that everything is clear and therefore wont try and manipulate the situation by spreading misinformation

Anoneemoose

Scrimps wrote: »

OP, just want to say, I havent seen a post youve made on this thread that I disagree with. Not that you need the validation but sometimes it helps.

Probably couldve handled it better but who doesnt make mistakes? If ignoring doesnt work, sometimes, with interfering people it can help to say: 'Thank you for your message, I hear what youre saying.'
What you do with that message afterwards is entirely up to you, the person feels acknowledged.

If they continue to undermine you: 'Im sure its not your intention, but I feel undermined by behaviour xyz. Talk about behaviour, dont say 'you'. 'Please dont do it again...I request that you do xyz (dont it and dont go behind my back) instead'.

If they continue to cross boundaries and it has an effect. Point out they crossed the boundary, 'this' is the effect it has had and that you wont tolerate it again.

If they do it again, point out that you have requested that they stop this more than once, they have continued and 'the outcome is xyz' (this is where I would cut them out of my life as much as possible or refuse to listen to or acknowledge their opinions again, and tell them I am doing so) but you may not want to follow that path - decide your own boundaries.

I would also CC in my husband on all the messages previously sent so everyone is clear and she can see that everything is clear and therefore wont try and manipulate the situation by spreading misinformation

Many thanks for taking the time to post this. I shall definitely keep it to myself going forward! It was, as you suggest, a mistake to send the message and one that was done after numerous instances of similar behaviour, albeit not directed at me. And your suggestions are fab, thank you. I have taken on board those, and those suggested by others for how to handle it and what to say in future.

I also appreciate that when you only have my side of the story, and obviously my first post was detailed, but not in relation to the actual event, it can be difficult to answer.

barbiedoll

I get the distinct feeling that this is the latest in a long line of imaginary dramas from SIL and that you simply felt like finally saying what you thought when you sent her the message.

Personally, I'd have probably snapped long before now and told her to mind her own business, but then again, I'm an argumentative old trout at the best of times. For her to go to your in-laws and state that you left your daughter "home alone" is simply s**t-stirring, if you ask me.

She knows you and your family well and I can't believe that she would honestly think that you would do that anyway, I think you're being generous in calling her a "drama queen", she's more like a bossy, interfering, bored harridan with nothing better to do than spend her evenings texting someone else's husband with imaginary slights against his wife.

I think you're a saint for putting up with her for this long. And I echo what others have said, ignore, ignore, ignore. Why are you answering her puerile texts, and why does she want to Instagram a 10 year old? Can't she get a job, or do some volunteering or something, to give her life a bit of meaning? Maybe she wouldn't have to be so involved in the nitty-gritty of your family life if she had something else to occupy her?

Rise above it, and give her a bit of a wider berth in future. And yes, your daughter shouldn't be advertising the fact that she's walking home alone. But she's 10 years old and proud of being a bit grown-up. Unlike her auntie it seems!