Drama Queen, Attention Seeking SIL Woes

justme111

Anoneemoose wrote: »

How so? She caused an issue out of nothing. I responded to that, in a way I thought firm, but polite. She then caused further issues by involving his parents, who had no need to be involved. As I said, there have been no issues prior to her coming along, and for the most part, we ignore it.

Don't you really not see that writing her the next day about how wrong she was in contacting your husband was unnecessary, wrong and that without it there would be no drama?
Additionally why could not she raise concerns about a child with child's father if it seems to her child's mother is not acting in their best interest ? What rule prohibits discussing children with other parent ?

TBagpuss

I think the best wway is to ignore her. Obviously we don't know the specifc situation, but if there was somthingto do with your daughter, wich you had already dealt with, then either don't respond to her message at all, or send a very brief, non-comittal response such as "don't worry, we've got this" or "You haven't got the full picture, but don't worry, we'vegot this" (agree a stock phase or two with your husband and use the smae one every time!)

Have an agreement with your husband that neither of you will respond to her in any way, except with that sort of stock phrase, without first speaking to the other. That way, she can't play you off againsteach other. (you could, if you wished, agree that you will give each other a heads-up - e.g. send a quick text to him f she messagesyou saying 'SIL is at it again, I've responded already', then if she contacts the other that person can respond "Anoneemoose / Mr Anonemoose has already replied to you about this" )

With regard to your parents in law, I would sugget that you have a chat with them and say something like "Thre have been a frew incidents recently where SIL has dragged you into issues involving us / our children. We are not asking you to 'pick sides' but could you agree not to get involved? If she contacts you about anything relating to us or the kids,could you just tell her she needs to address any issues with us, not involve you?. We don't want you to have the stress of dealing with issueswhere she has got hold of the wrong end of the stick, or doesn't have the full picture, and cuases stress as a result, and if there is ever anything you are personally concerned about, we'd much rather the that you contacted us directly for inforamtion, rather than discussing us behind out backs with SIL, particualrly as she often doesn't know the full picture or misundestnads aso that what she tells you isn't accurate. We feel this would be much less stressful for all of us"

And possibly have a simialr response if they contact you as a result of things she's told them "SIL isn't fully informed about this matter. We chose not to discuss it with her becuase it really isn't her business, but please don't assume that what she is telling you is accurate. If *you* have concers based on anything we've done or said to you, pelase speak to us directly about it"

However, I think you could probably cut down on a ot of the drama by simply ignoring her messages completely or by simply not discussing the issues with her.

Anoneemoose

justme111 wrote: »

Don't you really not see that writing her the next day about how wrong she was in contacting your husband was unnecessary, wrong and that without it there would be no drama?
Additionally why could not she raise concerns about a child with child's father if it seems to her child's mother is not acting in their best interest ? What rule prohibits discussing children with other parent ?

As I said in previous replies, yes I can see that me sending the message didn't help. But the 'drama' was about her going to his parents, when it was not neccessary to involve them.

And absolutely, if she really thought my child was not safe or if I was doing something neglectful, then of course she should raise it. However, I had alread told her that my husband and I had discussed the situation together and we had both decided that the situation with my daughter was 'ok'. Why go to him after that if not to cause trouble? The way she contacted him was as if she didn't believe me at all, and there is no reason not to. In addition to which, she was wrong about what the situation was in the first place. So, it may have been prudent for her to actually check the facts before involving anyone else.

TBagpuss

Also, telling her she can't contact your husband was a it out of line. He is herbrother in law, why shouldn't she contact him? That one is an issue for you and your husband to agree on, possibly by agreeing between yoursleves that neither of you will respond to her at allwithout first checking with the other whether or not he or she has already spoken to her

KxMx

OP is only human, we all snap sometimes and do things, which with hindsight were not correct.

I agree with the ignoring or sticking to party line as a way of going forward in the future.

clint_S

Which one is the attention seeking drama queen? I got a bit confused as the OP seems just as bad, if not worse.

tea_lover

I never really understand when people start a thread asking for opinions then complain when not everyone agrees with them....it's the internet, what do people think is going to happen?!

Starting a thread is surely the very definition of "attention seeking"....

Anoneemoose

KxMx wrote: »

OP is only human, we all snap sometimes and do things, which with hindsight were not correct.

I agree with the ignoring or sticking to party line as a way of going forward in the future.

I definitely agree with this, and it is something we had always done before.

Anoneemoose

tea_lover wrote: »

I never really understand when people start a thread asking for opinions then complain when not everyone agrees with them....it's the internet, what do people think is going to happen?!

Starting a thread is surely the very definition of "attention seeking"....

Who's complaining? I appreciate everyone's responses, which seem to suggest we ignore it in future - we all make 'mistakes' - although my mistake was to send a text that, albeit inflamed the situation, wasn't rude, just firm and polite. My responses to these posts are just trying to explain the situation more clearly.

Why is starting a thread asking advice 'attention seeking'? Surely anyone asking for advice is attention seeking by that train of thought. I have never experienced this issue previously and it is quite unpleasant. I have already agreed that I made things worse by sending the text.

Anoneemoose

TBagpuss wrote: »

Also, telling her she can't contact your husband was a it out of line. He is herbrother in law, why shouldn't she contact him? That one is an issue for you and your husband to agree on, possibly by agreeing between yoursleves that neither of you will respond to her at allwithout first checking with the other whether or not he or she has already spoken to her

Thanks for your big reply. I appreciate it and agree with your examples of responses in future. And yes, of course she can contact him, it was just in this situation whereby I had explained that we had discussed it together and agreed on the thing for our daughter, there really was no need and was in both my husband and I's opinion, overly interfering.