Drama Queen, Attention Seeking SIL Woes

justme111

KxMx wrote: »

OP is only human, we all snap sometimes and do things, which with hindsight were not correct.

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Absolutely - in heat of the moment we do wrong stuff indeed , it's just that she could not see she was in the wrong even a few days later and even as she was writing it down and even now after pointing to her it was not appropriate to tell a family member not to talk to the husband she still is giving reasons on why it was not right for that family member to talk to the husband. She still does not realise that although SIL contacting husband was pointless and annoying for them it still is inappropriate to tell a family member not to contact her husband. So I am afraid it is not just the heat of the moment issue.
Conflicts happens all the time in life and both parties feel they are right - is not it bewildering how it can happen , everybody feels someone else is in the wrong..

Anoneemoose

justme111 wrote: »

Absolutely - in heat of the moment we do wrong stuff indeed , it's just that she could not see she was in the wrong even a few days later and even as she was writing it down and even now after pointing to her it was not appropriate to tell a family member not to talk to the husband she still is giving reasons on why it was not right for that family member to talk to the husband. She still does not realise that although SIL contacting husband was pointless and annoying for them it still is inappropriate to tell a family member not to contact her husband. So I am afraid it is not just the heat of the moment issue.
Conflicts happens all the time in life and both parties feel they are right - is not it bewildering how it can happen , everybody feels someone else is in the wrong..

I have not said she can't contact my husband at all. I have just said I felt, given the circumstances of the situation, it was uncessary and inappropriate that she did so at that particular time, on this occasion (only). Which I (and my husband) still believe. Had it been a safety or really important issue in the first place, then it would possibly have been acceptable, but I had already explained that we (hubby and I) had both discussed it and we were agreed on the situation. She then went to my hubby (approximately 5 minutes later and text him as if she has completely ignored what I said) as if him and I hadn't even spoken, even though she knew we had. Why would someone do that?

A0503

I actually don't think OP has gone wrong here. SIL is not a blood relation to her or her husband - if it was husbands sister having genuine concerns about the welfare of her niece then I can see the OPs reaction could be wrong.


However, whilst we have only been told the OPs side of the story - this is a non-relative getting unnecessarily involved in a situation that is not their concern. I must admit if someone undermined me in this way when it comes to children I would be very pi**ed off too.


Where has the OP told her SIL that she can't contact her husband at all? Its all very well having a different opinion to the OP but to invent parts of the story to boost your opinion is not right.

justme111

Because one is annoyed at having their concerns dismissed or does not trust you or thinks your husband is being controlled by you or feels particularly passionate about the subject or feels she needs to do something or is stressed with whatever else or feels the need to point to people what they in her opinion do wrong or she fancies your husband and wanted a reason to contact him or she is jealous of you for whatever reason(may be does not have children) and wanted to create fuss about your perceived shortcomings - does not really matter why , I am sure you have more entertaining passtimes than analyse her
OK, you did not tell her not to contact your husband but that on this occasion it was unnecessary. What was the point in this message ? If one contacts someone and then gets telling off for it what is the conclusion apart from "don't contact him in the future as I am really annoyed by you now"? The right course of actions would been for your husband to text her thanking her for her concern and letting her know it has been discussed/dealt with. Then forgetting about it. That it, full stop, no drama.

Anoneemoose

A0503 wrote: »

I actually don't think OP has gone wrong here. SIL is not a blood relation to her or her husband - if it was husbands sister having genuine concerns about the welfare of her niece then I can see the OPs reaction could be wrong.


However, whilst we have only been told the OPs side of the story - this is a non-relative getting unnecessarily involved in a situation that is not their concern. I must admit if someone undermined me in this way when it comes to children I would be very pi**ed off too.


Where has the OP told her SIL that she can't contact her husband at all? Its all very well having a different opinion to the OP but to invent parts of the story to boost your opinion is not right.

Thank you so much for this. This is exactly what it's like. I appreciate by posting on here it may seem I am looking for people to agree with me or take my side, I am honestly not. I do agree with those that said by messaging her 'the message' I made the situation worse, and it may seem cold and calculated that I did it the next day, but the truth is, it had annoyed me over the whole night and the reason I left it until the next day was so I could send a reply that wasn't full of emotion, rather just a reasoned response. Obviously, with hindsight, it would have been better not to have bothered at all.

I also appreciate you only have my side, and that's why I included the fact that I have never encountered this kind of issue previously with any of our families, to show it is not something I 'make a habit of' and it is actually quite unpleasant.

Anoneemoose

justme111 wrote: »

Because one is annoyed at having their concerns dismissed or does not trust you or thinks your husband is being controlled by you or feels particularly passionate about the subject or feels she needs to do something or is stressed with whatever else or feels the need to point to people what they in her opinion do wrong or she fancies your husband and wanted a reason to contact him or she is jealous of you for whatever reason(may be does not have children) and wanted to create fuss about your perceived shortcomings - does not really matter why , I am sure you have more entertaining passtimes than analyse her
OK, you did not tell her not to contact your husband but that on this occasion it was unnecessary. What was the point in this message ? If one contacts someone and then gets telling off for it what is the conclusion apart from "don't contact him in the future as I am really annoyed by you now"? The right course of actions would been for your husband to text her thanking her for her concern and letting her know it has been discussed/dealt with. Then forgetting about it. That it, full stop, no drama.

And as I said, I agree, in hindsight it wasn't the right thing to message her, but I made a 'mistake' regarding that on this one occasion. It was because I felt so annoyed and upset that she didn't believe what I had told her in the first place.

I have no issue with her contacting my husband - she often does for advice on technical things as that's his 'thing'. I also have no issue with her contacting him regarding the welfare of my kids, if it was necessary. It was only in these particular circumstances that I felt it out of order and that she was undermining what I said.

Once again, I agree I shouldn't have sent the message, the ensuing drama was caused by the fact she 'told tales' unecessarily to his parents.

ognum

Unless we are told the exact nature of the issue the SIL was concerned about none of us have any idea whether it was right or wrong to escalate the concern from you to your husband and from him to his parents.

I can fully understand that in some circumstances it would be right and in other wrong.

ognum

There are many times when people reflect that they should have intervened in the care of a child and regret they did not.

I think you should talk with your SIL and let her know you appreciate her care, how did she know you had discussed it with your husband etc.

Anoneemoose

ognum wrote: »

There are many times when people reflect that they should have intervened in the care of a child and regret they did not.

I think you should talk with your SIL and let her know you appreciate her care, how did she know you had discussed it with your husband etc.

Because I told her. And I did 'talk' to her and say that I appreciated her concern in the first instance, but my husband and I had fully discussed it and we were ok with it.

justme111

So when you accept it was a mistake why do you use inverted commas as if it was not really a mistake?
Your causation reasoning does not seem to be right. Her going to parents was just one of the reasons for drama , with others being parents creating a drama out of DILs squabbling, you sending that "mistake" message and many others that made a family what it is. You chose to see only one reason while putting your mistakes into inverted commas.