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gettingtheresometime

Get a slow cooker - that way dinner can be cooking whilst you're at the gym & he's watching tv.

krlyr

The cooking issue came up in my relationship recently - it seemed fair for me to do the cooking when he was doing lots of overtime, I was home by 4 (full time hours but started at 8), he was buying the takeaway once a week or so - but fastforward several years to him being home before me half of the time, me doing evening classes as well as getting stuck late at work, us having cut down on the takeaways for money & health reasons, it no longer seemed so fair that I had to still do all of the cooking in the relationship.

We ended up coming to a compromise - my evening class days, it's his job to cook, and share the responsibility at weekends. OK, still not 50:50, but he did pick up some of the slack on the other household chores too.

What helped was getting in easy meals - if your partner isn't minding spending a fortune on takeaways, then it should be no biggy to spend on pre-mashed potato portions, or steam-in-the-bag vegetable portions, which take the majority of the effort out of cooking. Even buying Taste The Difference/Finest/etc. top notch bits and pieces is probably cheaper than a takeaway, and you can opt for healthier options like fishcakes and vegetables, or a stir fry, steak and green beans, etc.

balletshoes

jester55 wrote: »

He'll make the bed and generally tidy up the living room, not that we are untidy people in the first place, but that hardly takes the same effort or time as what I do.
I often get home later than he does and he expects me to sort out dinner when I get in, whilst he is watching TV. And then of course, anywhere we go, I have to drive whilst he gets to be the passenger.

you don't have to do any of these things.
Cook for yourself or eat on your way home, and if you don't want to drive, tell him to make alternative arrangements, or agree between you that a taxi fare will come out of your joint household expenses. You've explained how you feel OP (I hope you've done so clearly and calmly) so now its time for action.

suejb2

Tigsteroonie wrote: »

Okay, to focus on the driving -

Pretend that you both can drive. You'd split the driving evenly. So when it would be his "turn to drive", take a taxi instead and he can pay that bill out of his money.

(Or more likely, be practical and split it so that daytime you drive, evening you don't so that you can both have a drink fairly.)

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

This is a damn fine idea.

rach_k

Sorry if it's already been asked, but can you give back the lease car and buy one instead so he can practise as a learner? Or can you buy a cheap old banger for him to use under supervision?

Also, look into how the theory test centres work nowadays. When I did mine (ages ago), it wasn't like a school exam with you all at desks in a hall. I would have hated that! It was more like an office situation with you all in your own little cubicle thing at a computer. Not scary! Book him a theory test!

krlyr

rach_k wrote: »

Sorry if it's already been asked, but can you give back the lease car and buy one instead so he can practise as a learner? Or can you buy a cheap old banger for him to use under supervision?

Also, look into how the theory test centres work nowadays. When I did mine (ages ago), it wasn't like a school exam with you all at desks in a hall. I would have hated that! It was more like an office situation with you all in your own little cubicle thing at a computer. Not scary! Book him a theory test!

I do exams at a centre that does the driving theory tests and it's like this - computers all around the edge of the room with dividing screens between each one. I normally get put in the seperate side room on my own (my exams can be up to 3 hours long so guess it's to stop me being disturbed by people getting up and going) but it's not that scary, there's only normally about 8-10 people in there, sometimes less.

skint_chick

jester55 wrote: »

I've already had to cancel my plans of an evening to run him somewhere, then wait for him, then drive him home again. I don't want this to become a regular occurrence.

Don't do this again, you're just encouraging him. If you aren't in or free then he can get a bus/taxi/friend if he isn't going to learn to drive. You can't spend the rest of your life waiting around to give him lifts, that's not how being a non driver works.

If he's home before you then plan meals that are straightforward and can be put in the oven and timed, or thrown in the slow cooker so he can make them. And make it clear that whoever is home first is responsible for making dinner, I found having a meal plan pinned up in the kitchen meant OH knew what to put on when he's home first.

seven-day-weekend

jester55 wrote: »

No, I don't. We don't have a lot of chores that need doing because we're generally tidy people, and we have a cleaner. Laundry usually gets done at the weekend. But he does expect me to sort out the dinner every day, then complains that it is too late on the evenings I get home late from the gym. My suggestion of him doing the dinner on nights I am home late fall on deaf ears because he has told me, without a doubt, that he hates cooking and doesn't ever want to do it.

This is where things differ on driving, because he says he wants to learn, but doesn't do anything about it

So have a takeaway or go out on those nights?

I believe you can do 'mock' theory tests online, maybe he would try that, on his own, so he's not embarrassed if he fails? The more he does, the more confidence he will gain.

TBagpuss

Its hard to manage, but can you discuss it with him without it becoming a row?

Maybe set it out as "I'm really unhappy with the amount of driving I'm doing. I'd really like to be able to relax and be the passenger some of the time, particularly [insert specifics] - I'd like us to try to work out ways to address that"

Be prepared to put forward some suggestions, for instance: budgeting for taxis, using public transport more when you can, planning holidays where driving isn't [as] necessary, but also be willing to listen to his suggestions.

If you think he really would like to drive, then talk about that, too - have you and he discussed the possibility of his doing an intensive course, for instance (which might solve the issue of his not being able to drive the lease car (is this a car club?) while he is learning, for example?

I think it can sometimes be helpful to be specific about how you feel - e.g. not "I think you should do more cooking" but "I don't enjoy cooking, and I feel as though you take it for granted I'll do most of it. I'd like us to work on finding a way to share it, since neither of us enjoys it much." Again, try to think about possible compromises - could you work together to bulk cook stuff and freeze it once a week or so, so that you have a stock of pre-made food you can eat in the week, rather than having to cook from scratch or rely on takeaways ? For lots of things, making a double quantity involves very little more work than preparing a single quantity, and then you have one spare which can become a simple meal with hardly any cooking.

If you are willing to buy pre-prepped veg / salads etc you can cut down further on the time and effort you need to spend on cooking, and focus your energy on the parts of the meal which 'pay' for home cooking.

You can also consider stocking up on ready meals - not as good or healthy as home made, but if you pick and chose you can get some fairly good quality ones.

If that doesn't work then you may need to consider simply not driving some of the time, so that you don't solve the problems caused by his not driving. That may give him more of an incentive to make changes.

usernameisvalid

Me and DH lived together for 18 years in the London suburbs without me ever learning to drive

I was more then happy using public transport as that's what I was used to. It was he that decided we needed a car. So he bought it, taxed and insured it, filled it with petrol and drove it

And was more then happy to take me shopping, to the coast, visit family etc. The only time he wouldn't drive me was if I was on a night out with friends without him, I was back to public transport

Now I do drive and still he won't drive me for a social night without him, it's up to me to get a taxi, same as its up to him

I cook , six nights a week. On the seventh it's takeaway and whoever has cash pays, and there is no totalling up at the end of the month, or its toasties He doesn't cook. He will help in the kitchen though. He also does all those traditional male role jobs that envolve needing a garage and a shed

Relationships are rarely 50/50 because we don't go into them as pure equals. There's always one earning more, one being more hands on, one more artistic, whatever

You are getting stressed about a car. Is it really worth it?

Use the car, as long as it's you paying for the upkeep, for the journeys you wish to make. If they involve him then so be it. If he wants out and about without you, then tell him - TAXI