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FBaby

I want him to have his independence

It sounds more like you want him to be independent to suits your needs rather than his. That's the problem. It's not so bothered, you are.

I personally would struggle to have a relationship with someone who counts everything they do and expect the same in return, ie. you picked him up this once, so you want to be sure that the same could happen the other way around.

So what if you have to pick him up very occasionally and it can't happen the other way around. The only issue is whether he ever does anything to make your life easier. If the answer is no, then something is very wrong in your marriage. If the answer is yes, but in other ways, then you need to appreciate what he brings into the marriage rather than what he doesn't.

Kayalana99

I've only read page 1 and this page but *personally* sounds like you are growing apart. You want Xyz lifestyle and he wants Abc.

It's unfair to expect someone to live up to your standards. Your husband seems happy enough not driving, eating takeaways and generally being a couch potato.

Given it sounds like you don't have children?, it would be easy for you to just say 'no' I'm not doing that. Perhaps slightly petty if you are doing washing to not do his too, or the same with cook a meal - but bottom line is you do these things because you want the nice clean tidy house to your standards.

It sounds like you do a lot of these things because you want to keep up the lifestyle you live - such as cooking healthy meals when he is happy with takeaways.

As someone else said, there is no right or wrong. He is a grown man, entitled to live his life as he sees fit. You can't force him to drive, or to do chores etc. You can talk to him and reason with him about the chores and if he doesn't listen then you can stop doing his fair share as above - you can leave him if you feel you want different things....but this all seems to revolve around his driving and the bottom line is nothing you can say or do will make him go through his driving test. He will go when he is ready and not before.

My only suggestion, which personally I'd not want to do myself, is he is more likey to go when you are not carting him round everywhere. Next time he gets stuck at the train station let him pay cab fare. You've had a long day after all and have chores to do etc.

Kayalana99

Extemporaneous wrote: »

This husband sounds so like the husband of a friend of mine.

I don't see this thread as being about driving, or chores. It's about control. This man has control, over you - that's what you're fretting about. He does exactly what he wants to do (which sounds like a nice easy option for him, feet up the couch each night) - whilst you spend all your time and energy running in circles trying to catch all the slack.

If you're expecting someone to come up with a magical way for this to change, I'm afraid they won't. This guy is perfectly happy with the way things are! And you have played into his hands for so many years now, there is no reason to think he will alter. He knows that all he's got to do is keep on doing what he always does...and you will give in to him.

My sympathies, it really isn't a recipe for a happy life for you. But I really don't think it will change unless you ditch him. Sorry!

Tbh I don't think this is about him controlling her, perhaps he has got a bit lazy since she has done things around him but by what she's said, he does help out and do things it's just that he doesn't drive and isn't 'perfect'

Yes he could be better, but it sounds like a lot of this is in her head about her wants and needs rather then him actually doing anything wrong. If two people have different opinions on things, who's to say who's right or wrong?

She doesn't even drive him to work by the sound of it so he sounds independent of her apart from places they decide to go together, meals out? Family? Again is this him asking to go places, agreeing together?

Doesn't sound like he's really using her as a taxi service just more she is the driver if they go out anywhere. (And picking him up from the station once because of issues is a rare instance anyway)

svain

This whole driving thing is very strange. There are plenty of people where only one or other can/are able/want to drive and people still get on fine. Not wanting to chauffeur him to the pub all the time is one thing. To begrudge being the driver on joint social events (non drinking)/every day trips/visiting etc is very strange to me ..... unless the OP is a nervous driver and finds it traumatic for some reason

suki1964

Kayalana99 wrote: »

Tbh I don't think this is about him controlling her, perhaps he has got a bit lazy since she has done things around him but by what she's said, he does help out and do things it's just that he doesn't drive and isn't 'perfect'

Yes he could be better, but it sounds like a lot of this is in her head about her wants and needs rather then him actually doing anything wrong. If two people have different opinions on things, who's to say who's right or wrong?

She doesn't even drive him to work by the sound of it so he sounds independent of her apart from places they decide to go together, meals out? Family? Again is this him asking to go places, agreeing together?

Doesn't sound like he's really using her as a taxi service just more she is the driver if they go out anywhere. (And picking him up from the station once because of issues is a rare instance anyway)

Just thought you best know, there is no Her, they are a same sex couple

maman

I must admit to not having read every single post but I think I get the gist.


I'm sure OP would have had a more sympathetic hearing if it was her husband who was moaning about driving her around. I'm sure there are far more men who are the chauffeur than women, particularly of a certain generation.


I can see that the car situation is recent due to the house move but the sharing (or lack of it) of other chores must have been going on for some time. Resentment is building, which is why OP is posting but not such as she wants to walk away from the relationship.


OP, I don't find your financial arrangements odd at all. My DH and I split all bills. It's not as bizarre as some would believe. It's simply a case of checking through the CC bills each month and dividing the household spending by 2. Personal spending is our own responsibility. We each have DDs on our bank accounts.


DH and I also split chores probably along the lines of what we each prefer and are most skilled at. He does cleaning, I do laundry. I do shopping. He cooks breakfast, I do dinner and we get our own lunches. I deal with most financial things, he does gardening, most DIY and most car things although I do the paperwork. We both drive but when we go out to eat we both like to have a drink so we'll go by public transport or take a taxi.


I know that if DH cooked the dinner we'd not eat as healthily as I want to which is similar to OP's husband getting in take aways. I'm happy to do the food shopping as then I know what we've got in, left to my DH we'd have a load of pies and biscuits.


I'd suggest you use your slow cooker and also do some batch cooking (preferably together) for the freezer. That way you'll have healthy, cheap home made ready meals for when you get back from the gym. Or have some healthy quick meals like stir fries and omelettes or jacket potatoes. When your husband offers to do X while you do Y then take him up on it. It may rankle that he sees it as helping you with your chores but who cares provided he does it.




I'd suggest that it's reasonable for your DH to be chauffeured some of the time as he's contributing to the cost of the car but not so much that he doesn't realise how inconvenient it can be not to be able to drive. I think it's only that sort of inconvenience is likely to persuade him or maybe if he has to pay for taxis from his own spending money.

ViolaLass

Again guys, it's two men, not a man and a woman.

culpepper

It really doesnt matter if it is two guys or one guy and one girl or two girls. The problem is the same anyway.


Sometimes its just a case of being honest about how things feel to you OP.. Often the other party just hasn't thought about it from that point of view.

ViolaLass

culpepper wrote: »

It really doesnt matter if it is two guys or one guy and one girl or two girls. The problem is the same anyway.

The advice might not change but if gender matters enough to mention it, let's get it right.

mgdavid

ViolaLass wrote: »

Again guys, it's two men, not a man and a woman.

If you want accuracy it's mostly girls/women, not guys.