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jester55 Posts: 19 Forumite
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  • Guest101
    Guest101 Posts: 15,764 Forumite
    jester55 wrote: »
    I’ve been going round and around, typing and retyping this, and coming up with new subject titles, focusing on one of the below paragraphs below before changing my mind, because I’m not sure what the underlying cause of this problem is, or which bit of this I’m seeking advice on.

    The specific problem that triggers this is that my husband does not have a driving licence. - is he banned? or can this be rectified? I am the designated driver 100% of the time, whilst he shows absolutely no sign at all of doing anything to get his licence, despite his claims that he wants to. I’ve tried every trick in the book to get him to do it, but it always descends into an argument. He knows it makes me unhappy. - Sometimes people aren't confident to drive. Obviously its a problem, but safety is important too.

    Then I think, am I being too hard on him? Is it my fault? Am I expecting too much? Should I just accept that this is my life despite it not being what I signed up - well did he used to have a licence? Otherwise it kind of is what you signed up for. for nor ever expected I’d end up with? I must be doing something wrong and this is the way that it is. - Is this really the only or main issue?

    Then I think, there are other things I do that he is inflexible about. He is in the wrong because he is living life the way he wants to, only bending so far as suits him whilst refusing to do the things he doesn’t want to do, whilst I pick up the slack and end up unhappy about the chores I feel I am doing because he does not want to do them, such as cooking and the laundry. - you seem to want someone to say you're right and he's wrong. But in reality there is no right and wrong. he's not wrong for not doing those things, but equally you don't need to put up with it. And when I say to him that I can’t sit down and watch TV tonight because I’ve got X, Y and Z to do, he tells me to leave it until the next day or says, “Don’t worry, I’ll do Z whilst you do X and Y,” as if I should do Z if there was time but he is doing it ‘as a favour’. - I don't think that's what i would take it as. You're splitting the chores? Only very occasionally does he acknowledge how much I do for him, but he never changes. - just curious do you work? does he?

    I’m just not sure what to do about any of it. Is there something I’m doing wrong that he is seething about? He tells me I complain a lot, and I do feel like I moan a lot, but about other things to deflect that I am actually annoyed at him. He complains about other things in much the same way I do; does that mean he’s secretly fed up with something that I’m doing wrong? What am I doing wrong?

    Not enough info to judge, but as I say it's rarely right and wrong. It's a list of things you will put up with and a list you wont, he has a similar list;. Then you compromise
  • gettingtheresometime
    With regards to the driving licence aspect is it a case of him not wanting to learn or can't be asked? For some people it is a case of not wanting to as it scares them, for want of a better phrase.

    However I've known of several cases where one partner can't drive and then they've been in a situation where the driver is unable to drive and it really brings it home as the consequences of not being able to drive.

    As for being the designated driver all the time, start insisting on taxis!

    With regards the cooking then when he says leave it, leave it - if it doesn't get done it doesn't get done - just make sure the consequences aren't felt by you!
  • jester55
    jester55 Posts: 19 Forumite
    edited 2 March 2017 at 10:21AM
    Post deleted
  • orlao
    orlao Posts: 1,090 Forumite
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker
    Then don't do stuff for him OP.

    It's his prerogative not to drive, cook or do laundry but that doesn't mean that it's your duty to do it for him...you're his partner not his household support system.

    ETA if he wants takeaway, then his personal money pays for it :)
  • fairy_lights
    jester55 wrote: »

    Regarding the cooking. Yes I could leave it, but I don't want to live like that, because then his idea is to get a takeaway, which is expensive and unhealthy.
    Then just cook for yourself and leave him to go hungry. If he won't do his share why should you always cook for him?
  • LannieDuck
    LannieDuck Posts: 2,359 Forumite
    First Post First Anniversary Combo Breaker
    Are there jobs that he does which might be equivalent to your list of jobs? Or does he basically come home and put up his feet while you do everything?
    Mortgage when started: £330,995

    “Two possibilities exist: either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying.”
    Arthur C. Clarke
  • Serendipitious
    Serendipitious Posts: 6,446 Forumite
    First Anniversary Name Dropper First Post Combo Breaker
    edited 28 February 2017 at 4:52PM
    I can't comment on housework, there's only been me to do all mine for many years.

    But I did know someone who married a non-driver, and it caused a lot of distress to her for many years. Her husband really took his time getting around to learning to drive, then that took ages, then he had a succession of failed tests and so it went on.

    At one point, from the outside looking in, I got to thinking maybe he really didn't want to do it at all, as it seemed to me the benefits of not-driving outweighed the advantages of passing his test, eg you get to have a drink when you go out if you're not doing the driving. His wife worked fulltime too, and was arranging her whole life around his needs for lifts - getting up earlier to drop him at work, unable to relax in the evenings due to having to transport him to his sporting venues etc., and of course doing the shopping and errands and tip runs and so on.

    It came to a head when they had a baby and after that her co-operation regarding lifts really tailed off. He soon passed his test after that.

    I don't know what to suggest, but in this situation there's a fundamental imbalance, and from what I saw with my friend, it is very uncomfortable and annoying to cope with. Different if it is temporary, somebody being ill or injured, but as an ongoing thing it's very hard, and not fair on you.

    As for you being 'too hard on him' - I take the view that he's an adult and he is responsible for his own situation, and that this is his own choice, so it is up to him to handle the fallout.
    “All shall be well, and all shall be well and all manner of thing shall be well.”

  • rach_k
    rach_k Posts: 2,236 Forumite
    First Anniversary Name Dropper First Post
    Do you both work? If you do, it's not fair that you do all/most of the housework but I know different people have different standards. For me, the important question would be how much would he do if you weren't there? Would he complain if you did less? Unless he is happy to live in conditions that most people would consider unacceptable, I think he should do half of what he wants doing. If you choose to do more, that's up to you.

    When it comes to the washing, for me the solution is pretty simple - just do your own! For cooking that might seem a bit petty but you could start cooking less e.g. do a proper meal one day, then just have something snacky the next (or leftovers, just enough for one!). If he's not happy with that, he can share the cooking.

    Regarding the driving, that is trickier. Apart from you moaning about it, does he have any incentive to learn to drive? It costs money, it's not always easy, he may be scared... and right now, he has a free chauffeur! Perhaps you should start pointing him the direction of the bus if he wants to go somewhere that you're not interested in, or maybe you should decide you want a drink when you go out.
  • jester55
    jester55 Posts: 19 Forumite
    edited 2 March 2017 at 10:22AM
    Post deleted
  • paddy's_mum
    paddy's_mum Posts: 3,977 Forumite
    I've been Money Tipped!
    Switch off! Stop asking, stop helping, stop bending over backwards, stop making up a shortfall.

    It is the nature of obstinate people, I have found, that the minute they get what they state long and loud that they want, they don't want it any more.

    You are getting arguments, rows and hostility already so why not just withdraw and let his toys-out-the-pram childishness go over your head.

    Remember, it takes effort for him to retaliate and it doesn't sound as if he's all that keen on making effort.

    We don't know enough to gauge whether the driving licence business is reasonable but not bothering to help with chores is very short-sighted on his part since you can go and do all this for an employer and get well paid and appreciated for all your effort into the bargain. Silly man! :rotfl:
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