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Tigsteroonie

Okay, to focus on the driving -

Pretend that you both can drive. You'd split the driving evenly. So when it would be his "turn to drive", take a taxi instead and he can pay that bill out of his money.

(Or more likely, be practical and split it so that daytime you drive, evening you don't so that you can both have a drink fairly.)

FBaby

You express a lot of resentment of what appears to be only a small imbalance of only a few matters.

You say that the fact everything is divided 50/50 is normal, and indeed, it's about what works for you, but it feels that you are adopting this approach to everything in your life, and that might be an issue because whereas it is easy to divide finances exactly 50/50, it's rare that everything else shared exactly 50/50 because conditions will be different. For instance, you say you go to the gym, so maybe he could say that you have more relaxing time than him, or maybe his job is more tiring than yours.

Also, you are resenting him for not wanting to learn to drive, but it sounds like the problem is the error you both (or you?) made to take on a car credit that means he can't drive when you had assumed he could. So the issue is not that he doesn't want to go through the tedious and costly process of getting a licence but that he can't drive the car. Is your resentment over this the fact that it means he can have a drink whilst you can't when out?

Ultimately, he sounds more laidback than you, so you do things that he doesn't think you should stress about, but then you get cross that he doesn't get stressed too. You don't want to cook, don't cook. There are ways to feed yourself without cooking a big meal that doesn't involve buying a take away. I hate cooking too but hate takeaways. Most of my meals are salads or basic pasta/rice/soups that take me only a few minutes to make.

iammumtoone

The easy answer is stop driving anywhere that isn't necessary. Drive to work, shopping etc but tell him you don't like driving (I assume this is the case otherwise you wouldn't be worried about doing it all)

Any leisure activities you want to do, use either public transport or taxi. Yes its going to cost more but you will split costs. If you can't afford to use public transport then don't go.

I dont like driving and although I have a car I don't always use it, if going somewhere unfamiliar I sometimes use public transport as that is the only way I will get there . If I had a partner, that would not change and if they wanted to go more places by car then the answer would be they would need to learn to drive.

Mojisola

jester55 wrote: »

I just wish he could do some of the driving to take the burden off me!

Tigsteroonie wrote: »

Okay, to focus on the driving -

Pretend that you both can drive. You'd split the driving evenly. So when it would be his "turn to drive", take a taxi instead and he can pay that bill out of his money.

(Or more likely, be practical and split it so that daytime you drive, evening you don't so that you can both have a drink fairly.)

The driving issue is very easily remedied - but it sounds as if you are resentful about more than that.

Follow Tigsteroonie's plan as above. If that makes your life perfect, great. If there are still issues, start talking about them and find some mutually-agreed solution.

Small niggles can eat away at the best relationship and damage it.

iammumtoone

jester55 wrote: »

Now is probably a good time to say no, he has never had a woman. I'm a man. We are gay.

We understood the last part once you said you were a man and you are taking about your husband.

tiz

Have you tried asking for small specific tasks that help towards cooking, rather than a whole meal which is maybe a bit daunting if you can't/don't like cooking. For example - I've pre-made a lasagne, can you put it in the oven at 200 degrees at 6 o clock so it's ready when I get back from the gym or can you peel these potatoes for me whilst I chop the carrots to speed up dinner or I'm just leaving work and I measured out some pasta in the saucepan this morning ready can you add water and ..... and when he does help make a big deal of saying thank you/it tastes great.

It's not 50/50 share but maybe if you ease him into doing small easy things perhaps you can gradually build up what he's willing/able to help with

Fireflyaway

Could you buy your husband a course of driving lessons as a gift? Repackage it that it will benefit him. He will be able to have more freedom rather than relying on you and it might be needed one day if he were to change job locations etc!
As for cooking - how about cooking half the week and interspersing that with nice ready meals for the days you have less time? If you both work full time its not fair for you to do everything but maybe that's what he saw growing up?

tesuhoha

Well you can buy practice DVDs for the theory test. Got both my son and daughter through.

As for the cooking, I would serve up things that don't require any effort. Jacket potatoes, instant salads, you can buy fresh pasta and ready cook sauces which are very nice, fish that you just put in the oven with a few boiled new potatoes and frozen microwave veg, buy some meat and put a jar of curry sauce over it, boiled rice in a bag. If he complains then just say you are sick of cooking and would he like to cook the meal now and again.

melanzana

Can I ask why you agreed to move to suburbia when you knew that your husband's lack of a license would instantly make your life different and burdensome compared with your life in London.?

Seems neither of you needed a car in London. Can you go back there and enjoy life at some point maybe, or move to an area with good public transport?

I don't think I'd like it much either having to do ALL the driving ALL the time! But if you enable his lack of motivation then you have the result.

Mojisola

jester55 wrote: »

Then I think, there are other things I do that he is inflexible about.

He is in the wrong because he is living life the way he wants to, only bending so far as suits him whilst refusing to do the things he doesn’t want to do, whilst I pick up the slack and end up unhappy about the chores I feel I am doing because he does not want to do them, such as cooking and the laundry.

Only very occasionally does he acknowledge how much I do for him, but he never changes.

jester55 wrote: »

Now is probably a good time to say no, he has never had a woman. I'm a man. We are gay. His ex partner did most of the cooking, but the difference there is that guy used to LOVE cooking, whereas I can tolerate having to cook.

Woman/man - partners in a relationship - same thing. He's previously had someone else do the stuff he doesn't want to do and he's quite happy to let you continue to pick up the slack.

We've been together for years, we have just evolved into this way of doing things, but he has known for a long time, since the early years, that I wanted a more equal split in chores.

If you read this about another couple, what would you think?

It doesn't sound as if your husband really cares that you aren't happy with the amount of work you're doing to keep the house running.

He's happy to let you keep doing the bulk of it even though he knows you're unhappy and then tells you that you're complaining a lot - as if you're the 'bad' one!

If he did his fair share, you wouldn't have any reason to complain!