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esmy

I'm the only driver. However I am not a taxi and will only drive if it suits me to do so. We both use public transport and taxis if I don't want to drive.

A friend had a deal with her husband re housework - if he wasn't going to share he paid someone to do his 'half'. Worked really well.

System

You cant make someone learn to drive if they dont want to. I dont have a license but my husband does. If he left me or died tomorrow i still wouldnt learn to drive.

I did have lessons in my 40s but failed my test on one minor but never went back for another test and i have no interest now.

As for household chores, well you both work full time so should be sharing the chores equally. Problem is, you see things that need doing and he doesnt think they are important. Apart from nagging (which rarely gets anywhere) theres very little you can do. Maybe you both need to compromise and meet each other half way.

justme111

fairy_lights wrote: »

Then just cook for yourself and leave him to go hungry. If he won't do his share why should you always cook for him?

Op, some people are happy in an untidy room eating takeaway, others are not. Not right or wrong. Find some compromise. Finding compromises in relationships is a basic life skill. If no compromise are found than separating is the other option. How often do you drink out that being a designated driver bothers you?
If you have separated budgets him paying you going taxi rate or getting a taxi in 50% of cases could be an answer to this particular issue.
Re cooking - depends on who comes home when , I can not believe he would plonk himself at the TV while you cooking; there are different ways to address it depending on particular family layout; just remember that his choice of takeaway while less healthy and money savvy is still a valid choice and in principle he is as free to have it as you to cook. One of the compromises could be you eating out once a week with him paying for it (or you could cook two days supply sometimes or pay occasionally for eating out or have remains of previous night take way sometimes), him paying for takeaway once a week for both and him cooking for both of you once a week leaving you to cook on four remaining days. Has to be discussed and agreed between you two with both making compromises (you still cooking mostly and conceding to occasional take way with him having to cook sometimes and spending more than you do on food).
Of course there is an option of him buying takeaway for himself and you cooking for yourself but I do not see it being practical and if it gets to this level of stubbornness and resentment the couple is unlikely to want to stay together as atmosphere would be vile.

ViolaLass

jester55 wrote: »

Thanks for your constructive input. Tell me, how does your relationship work?

I wouldn't let my husband 'charge' me for a takeaway that I hadn't wanted. (I would have made sure I didn't have any of it, of course)

LannieDuck

With separate budgets, i think this is actually an easier problem to solve. As someone above says, start charging him a 'taxi' rate when you drive him somewhere you wouldn't be going anyway (if he complains, he can order an actual taxi). Insist that every meal you cook and prepare for him is reciprocated free of charge (through a take-away or other as he chooses), and if not, start charging for your meals in return.

(It might lead to quite an odd relationship dynamic tho.)

jester55

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paddy's_mum

jester55 wrote: »

I don't want to live a separate life from him.

But this IS what you'll have if you cannot either find a compromise that suits you both or learn to let your resentment go.

For what it's worth, it has been my experience in life that resentment is a huge killer of affection, kindness and respect within all kinds of relationships.

elsien

jester55 wrote: »

I've already had to cancel my plans of an evening to run him somewhere, then wait for him, then drive him home again. I don't want this to become a regular occurrence.

.

No you haven't had to do this. You've chosen to do it then complain afterwards instead of just saying "sorry, I've got plans".
You didn't agree to love, honour and chauffeur at the drop of a hat.
My brother took his driving test then never set foot in the driving seat again. His wife drove if willing, if not he used public transport. Even now they've split up he takes himself and the kids to school and on holiday etc using public transport and taxis. If people have to, they find a way.
TBH I think this is less about the driving and more you feeling you're doing more than your fair share. So I guess it's about ways of addressing that without it all getting silly.

tea_lover

jester55 wrote: »

Thanks for your constructive input. Tell me, how does your relationship work?

You're the one posting about a complete lack of communication and growing resentment towards your husband. Everyone sorts their finances out differently, but I do find it amazing that a married couple would keep tally of who owes what throughout a month and then pay each other.

tensandunits_2

Many Americans don't like driving on the left, and they hate our roundabouts! Possibly he doesn't want to say this to you for fear of looking or sounding silly.

For the housework I would get a cleaner in once a week to do the essentials, to take the pressure off you both.