14 years I feel Ive wasted,not sure how to cope

my-user-name

catflap11 wrote: »

This happened to me about 5 months ago, my wife turned round and told me she wasnt happy and it was over. No opportunity to discuss things or try and resolve any issues.All of our friends are shocked as they thought we were the strongest couple out of all our group.

Its almostlike she is going through a midlife crisis, i looked back through photos over the last year and I can't recall at any time there being worries or concerns or even bickering. I think other posters have said it is like a physical blow and i totally agree.

I'll never understand where things went wrong, i offered to go to counselling but she said it wouldnt make any difference. Its been hard but my friends have been super supportive and I dont think i could have coped without them. I have managed to find a new flat and I am currently furnishing it in my taste and its quite liberating. All I can say is things will get better, honestly, and it may end up being a blessing in disguise even if at the moment it is horrific.

I don't think councelling would of helped us either catflap,besides if he would never open up to me then he definatly wouldn't of opened up to a stranger.
Friends at work still don't know,my boss does but Ive asked her to tell my work collegues nothing and shes respected my wishes.I still feel I can cope better with them not knowing,rightly or wrongly I'm not so sure.?
At the back of my mind I am thinking that maybe this is a blessing in disguise,yes it still hurts but one thing for sure is knowing I would never take him back.
Looking back he has always lived with someone throughout his life.First his wife for many years then when they split up he went back to his mum and dads for around 3 years then he came to me.He may be getting giddy right now thinking that hes now a big boy in a place of his own but once those bills come in then hes in for a massive shock,maybe it wont seem so exciting after all (maybe that's wishful thinking on my part though).

my-user-name

FBaby wrote: »

What a great idea to redecorate/refurnished your place. Not only it will make it a bit easier to move on seeing your flat as 'mine' rather than 'ours', but also it will keep you busy and distracted and the bonus is a flat that looks even nicer. Great thinking!

I'm definatly keeping myself busy FBaby.!
Ive been out shopping every day since he,s left buying different things for my home.I started off with new table and chairs (Ebay),new shaggy pile rug to go in my living room(British Heart Foundation)but brand new!
I went back there today and bought a leather 3 seater in immaculate condition for £125 and it gets delivered this Wednesday.He didn't take the old settee but I just want it out and replaced with something totally different.
Ive bought 10 litres of white paint and hell Ive even bought a brand new shower curtain lol
Am I doing it to erase him out of my home??probably.But it will keep me busy this week,thankfully my boss has allowed me to take this week off so I will have plenty of time to decorate the living room and hallway at least.
I even bought myself a king size quilt and cover!! Ive never had a king size quilt before,Im looking forward to a early night tonight!
Keeping busy is the only thing I can do right now,yes there the moments like the second you wake up and realise what has happened but eventually that will fade.

my-user-name

DavidP24 wrote: »

It is good that he has gone, I would change the lock cylinders, only a few quid on ebay but it gives you a boundary.

Do not expect to hear anything and do not knock yourself as the cause, best case scenario is that it is a 50/50 thing.

Everybody wants to be unconditionally accepted for who they are, usually this is only by a handful of people if you are lucky. It requires a degree of mutual trust and respect, so of course it hurts to be rejected.

I usually say that some men are cowards in that they do not want to hurt a lady's feelings so they avoid or manipulate, but I was reminded of someone I knew. their wife told them an hour before the removal people were coming that they were leaving.

The root of this is a feeling of loss of control, that is why you look back wondering if you should have noticed, but in doing that you are blaming yourself. In reality we often have to accept that we have no control, at times, accepting this can be the only way we can let things go.

As you try to process this all things will enter your mind, is it another woman, did he think this was not for him and he is getting on so needed to break it in order to find someone else, is he going through a mid life crisis. The truth is that it does not matter because whatever the reason, he has made the decision and to know the actual answer will only hurt you more.

A little sorrow on reflection is normal as is a little depression, but you are doing the right things by creating new beginnings, living life for YOU not for anyone else. In fact there is a certain liberation in it.

It IS still early days and it WILL take time, sadly there is no FF button for the hard times in life.

Do something for you personally too, swimming, sauna, massage, gym or take up new hobbies, learn Salsa or join a local club of some sort.

Hi David,
Locks are changed,they were changed Thursday morning thankfully.
I don't think I'm expecting to hear from him,in fact I'm sure I wont.When he did this 3 years ago within a week he was knocking at my door asking for a second chance,how he took his eye off the ball and how he would make it up to me.This times it feels totally different which kind of convinces me he,s gone for good.
I think my major problem is actually telling my workmates,I honestly don't know if its because I will burst into tears.....because I would feel a fool(I did speak many times about him at work and they all said what a lovely man he seems).....or I come across as a strong woman at work and my failure proves otherwise,Im just not sure.
I met a old friend for lunch a few days ago,(she knew about the split) I thought I would be ok but the second I saw her the tears started.They stopped within minutes and I was ok after that.The good thing is I'm not back to work till next Monday so Ive got time to decide what I'm going to do.When I went into work for those 2 weeks I was fine and acted as if I didn't have a care in the world(but nobody knew we had split)
Your right David,I have no control.and yes I'm going through the thoughts of "what did I do wrong?, why didn't I notice things were changing,why didn't I try harder but I honestly feel I couldn't of tried any harder(even he said that to me) so all I can do is give it time.
Ive just got to be careful in this rushing around to change things in my home,Ive been out every day since he went buying new things for the home,I need to reign it in.The things I'm buying are very nice but if I take my time then I will choose something I like,not choosing anything which will change it into a new home,does that make sense??
I think I,ll be busy doing my home up to start looking for new things outside my home David but I know once it is completed I should be half way over him and then I can start a proper new life experiencing lots of new things.
They do say "time is a great healer",,,,I,ll have to get it tattooed on my forehead lol

Mojisola

my-user-name wrote: »

I think my major problem is actually telling my workmates,I honestly don't know if its because I will burst into tears.....because I would feel a fool(I did speak many times about him at work and they all said what a lovely man he seems).....or I come across as a strong woman at work and my failure proves otherwise,Im just not sure.

Could you talk to a manager or some of your workmates by phone and explain what's happened and let the news spread before you go back to work?

It depends on your workplace whether that would be a good idea or not.

my-user-name

Mojisola wrote: »

Could you talk to a manager or some of your workmates by phone and explain what's happened and let the news spread before you go back to work?

It depends on your workplace whether that would be a good idea or not.

My boss at work does know whats gone on Mojisols but I asked her not to say a word to anyone while I'm not there,she has respected my wishes and told the girls I'm off because Ive got flu and its gone on to my chest.
A few of the girls have rang me at home and Ive just told them the same,when they find out the truth hopefully they will understand or they may decide I'm one hell of a liar which I am where my absence is concerned.
The crazy thing is if it happened to one of my colleagues I would probably give them a massive hug then get on with our work.

Mojisola

my-user-name wrote: »

The crazy thing is if it happened to one of my colleagues I would probably give them a massive hug then get on with our work.

It's crazy but understandable.

Have a think about letting your boss mention it before you go back - you'll be welcomed back with hugs and support rather than going back either having to continue lying about the flu or telling your workmates face-to-face on Monday.

my-user-name

Mojisola wrote: »

It's crazy but understandable.

Have a think about letting your boss mention it before you go back - you'll be welcomed back with hugs and support rather than going back either having to continue lying about the flu or telling your workmates face-to-face on Monday.

But hugs and support will make me crumble Mojisola and then I,ll be back to square one of not coping.If someone especially at work would said describe "my-user-name" they would probably say shes a very open honest person who is firm but fair and who never lets anything get her down ".
If only they knew the real me then they wouldn't say that
I may think differently by the time I'm back into work on Monday but right now I still don't want them to know.

Mojisola

my-user-name wrote: »

But hugs and support will make me crumble Mojisola and then I,ll be back to square one of not coping.

Is that just now that's everything's so raw or are you planning to keep on hiding it from them forever?

It may be that one session of crumbling, crying and being supported by your colleagues would be very healing for you - difficult to say without knowing you.

I'd be concerned that the stress of not being able to talk about such a major event in your life will start to take its toll.

my-user-name

Mojisola wrote: »

Is that just now that's everything's so raw or are you planning to keep on hiding it from them forever?

It may be that one session of crumbling, crying and being supported by your colleagues would be very healing for you - difficult to say without knowing you.

I'd be concerned that the stress of not being able to talk about such a major event in your life will start to take its toll.

You have a good and valid point Mojisola;,I'm just so unsure right now on how to tackle it.I only have till Monday so I know time is getting close.
I think it stems back to the fact I was ok in work keeping it to myself in the 2 weeks I was there,it kind of makes it real if they know about us splitting up,maybe that's the reason I want to keep it to myself??
If I speak to neighbours or people who I know when I'm out doing shopping etc I'm fine and happy with them...simply because they don't know we are no longer together.
Maybe once people know it may make me accept it actually is over,I know its over deep down and theres no going back but I guess if people don't know then I can keep pretending everythings fine and dandy.Im still mixed up as you can probably tell.

my-user-name

my-user-name wrote: »

You have a good and valid point Mojisola;,I'm just so unsure right now on how to tackle it.I only have till Monday so I know time is getting close.
I think it stems back to the fact I was ok in work keeping it to myself in the 2 weeks I was there,it kind of makes it real if they know about us splitting up,maybe that's the reason I want to keep it to myself??
If I speak to neighbours or people who I know when I'm out doing shopping etc I'm fine and happy with them...simply because they don't know we are no longer together.
Maybe once people know it may make me accept it actually is over,I know its over deep down and theres no going back but I guess if people don't know then I can keep pretending everythings fine and dandy.Im still mixed up as you can probably tell.