14 years I feel Ive wasted,not sure how to cope

my-user-name

EdwardB wrote: »

I am really impressed how much stronger you are since your OP.

So many wise words said already but I will try to add a few.

For the work mates if they are true friends they will accept you and who cares about those that do not. Rather than falling apart for each one, tell them all at once or have the boss tell them. Have a script ready, something along the lines of "it has been painful but I am stronger for it"

I would not block him just yet, have the pleasure of not taking his call, when he said it was important, just remember one thing, important for HIM. It may have been a letter he was expecting, maybe he wants to redirect his post, whatever it is his problem not yours.

In the event that he wanted to reconcile, why would you EVER want to trust someone that hurt you again, so they can do it again? I do not think so.

Again have some sort of script ready in case he catches you in the street or at the shops, "Sorry. We are DONE, you made your bed now sleep in it. I have nothing further to say to you, please leave me alone or I will consider it harassment and take the appropriate action.

Now to prove that you CAN have your cake and eat it, yet curb your spending but go register a new yahoo mail and then use it to register on FREECYCLE.ORG. It can be a new hobby, looking for new stuff. I have seen some really nice stuff being given away on there. No hurry, just find your nearest one and request an email for each post to that spare account. Weekends tend to be a busy time on there and you have to be able to respond quickly then say you will collect qu

You are doing all the right things, STAY STRONG!

Thank you for your excellent advice EdwardB,
My work colleagues are lovely and I know they would understand,its just the fact I know I will burst into tears if they mention it just once,I don't want them to see me upset and if they mention anything regarding the split then my wall will come down and Id be a blubbering wreck.(why have I always got to put a stong front on to everyone??) that question is doing my head in.?? Do I not want them feeling sorry for me??God I would hate that..Ive said before I stupidly put him on a pedestal and they all knew how much I loved him and how,in my eyes,he was my soulmate.Looking back over the past few weeks its clear to see he definatly wasn't my soulmate.They will be shocked I do know that.
A neighbour called to my home today and asked where he was as she hadn't seen his car in the car park for a while,I tried telling her but I got upset,very upset indeed.While I don't think about him and don't talk about him then I'm coping,as soon as hes mentioned then I crumble.:(
I guess its early days still and in time I know I,ll be ok but getting though these times is harder than I thought.
Your right about that text message he sent me asking if its ok to ring me because its quite important,it couldn't of been that important because he hasn't contacted me since which I suppose is a good thing.
As for Freecycle,its a fabulous site! Ive collected things in the past and loved giving things away too and everythings free!!Wallpaperings done in the hallway,now I'm ready to do the painting,God I loathe painting with a passion but it will keep me busy when I come home from work next week.

EdwardB

my-user-name wrote: »

Thank you for your excellent advice EdwardB,
My work colleagues are lovely and I know they would understand,its just the fact I know I will burst into tears if they mention it just once,I don't want them to see me upset and if they mention anything regarding the split then my wall will come down and Id be a blubbering wreck.(why have I always got to put a stong front on to everyone??) that question is doing my head in.?? Do I not want them feeling sorry for me??God I would hate that..

Being a blubbering wreck can be quite cathartic, it gets out all the emotion.

The strong front is about dignity I guess, but there is no loss of dignity with people you trust and who care for you.

my-user-name wrote: »

Ive said before I stupidly put him on a pedestal and they all knew how much I loved him and how,in my eyes,he was my soulmate.Looking back over the past few weeks its clear to see he definatly wasn't my soulmate.They will be shocked I do know that.

I think perhaps you let him define you to some extent, your friend will want one thing; TO SEE YOU HAPPY!

my-user-name wrote: »

A neighbour called to my home today and asked where he was as she hadn't seen his car in the car park for a while,I tried telling her but I got upset,very upset indeed.While I don't think about him and don't talk about him then I'm coping,as soon as hes mentioned then I crumble.:(
I guess its early days still and in time I know I,ll be ok but getting though these times is harder than I thought.

You are RIGHT, it is early days and you are clearly getting stronger every day. Remember it is HIS loss, do not blame yourself for a nanosecond. You gave him all you had to give, you trusted him and he blew it. It is his nature. He was a mummy's boy and you probably gave him the strength to finally be by himself, what a wimp!

my-user-name wrote: »

Your right about that text message he sent me asking if its ok to ring me because its quite important,it couldn't of been that important because he hasn't contacted me since which I suppose is a good thing.

I think he did not contact you again because he now realises you are not going to take any BS from him, where the hell does he get off ringing you at that hour and then saying it is important anyway. Bloody disrespectful if you ask me.

my-user-name wrote: »

As for Freecycle,its a fabulous site! Ive collected things in the past and loved giving things away too and everythings free!!Wallpaperings done in the hallway,now I'm ready to do the painting,God I loathe painting with a passion but it will keep me busy when I come home from work next week.

You are doing the right things and getting stronger every day, as for the painting, focus on the end result!

FBaby

I am really impressed how much stronger you are since your OP.

I thought exactly the same. You really are an inspiration of how to cope in such a situation. Standing for yourself and saying just no to the text must have taken so much strength but it was so the right thing to do.

So common when one has a bit of drink, and that releases the emotional upheaval and somehow the leftover feelings for the other person, prompting to talk to them and say things that although are probably meant, are only a fraction of the emotions which will all but dissipate when light comes on in the morning, along with the effect of the drink, and will only leave the other person taking two steps backwards, thinking that maybe they still have feelings for them, maybe they can work it out, maybe it was a mistake, all this to be once again shattered.

You so did the right thing OP. If indeed what he had to say was important, he would have contacted you at a decent time and would have done so now. That simple 'no' message said so many things: you're not at his beck and call, you don't miss him so desperately you'll cling on to anything, you're not waiting in hope, you're not letting him hurt you again, you're not letting him have control.

-taff

Don't worry about the blubbering, it's normal, you're grieving for something you didn't know was ended.
In a very short while, you'll start getting angry, and all 'how bloody well dare he?'
That's the fun part where you really do start living for yourself again without thinking of him very much at all. A few months after that, he'll just be a recollection, and you won't be thinking about him at all.
And then you may bump into him and feel a bit awlward but that's normal too.

Good luck with your new life.

barbiedoll

Don't waste time worrying about the text. If it really was "important" (e.g. someone had died), he would have texted you back with something like "Sorry, I know you don't want to speak to me but I thought you should know that XXXX has died" or similar.

I'd bet any money you like that it was more along the lines of him feeling sorry for himself at that late hour, drunk or not, and wanting to absolve himself of any lingering guilty feelings by rambling on about how it's not you, it's him (you already know that), that he's sorry but he can't help himself (who cares?) or even that he's changed his mind (don't even go there!)....honestly, don't give it another thought, as you say, if it was important to you, he would have been back in touch. When he says "important", he means important to him. Why should you worry about that?

Please, please tell your colleagues. I suffered a bereavement recently and I couldn't speak about it for a few days, for the same reason as you, I couldn't do it without crying. I eventually told one person, who passed it on and my colleagues were absolutely lovely, I had hugs, emails and phone calls from those who were out of the office, tea and cake and a lot of support if I needed it. No-one thinks I'm weak because I cried, and to be honest, no-one speaks about it unless I want to.

Tell them in one swoop, have a good whinge and cry for a few days and then you can move on and get on with your normal working life. Your man wasn't the god that you and everyone else thought he was...so what? You're not the first person to be let down by the one you love, nor will you be the last. Brace yourself for the inevitable tales of woe from your colleagues though, I bet most of them have been through something similar at some point in their lives!

Mojisola

There's a lot of wisdom here - https://www.facebook.com/deejay.alex.uk/

my-user-name

Grateful thanks to all the posters who have replied to my thread,I have appreciated it much more than you realise.
I want to feel ok andI want to be ok but its just not happening,yes I need a good slapping I know
Today I was out shopping for some more paint,I was fine going to the store but once inside I just became incredibly sad,not emotional,just sad.It didn't help when the lad helping me find the paint I needed,After he found what I was looking for, I asked "is there anything else you may think I need?" to which he replied "yes you need a man to do it all for you"I just laughed and called him a sexist sod,he was joking but it kind of brought it home that I am now,after 14 years ,on my own and it did make me feel so very sad indeed.I went back to my car,had a bit of a cry then headed to George at Asda and bought myself a beautiful dress!!It made me feel good for that moment.

EdwardB.....
"Being a blubbering wreck can be quite cathartic, it gets out all the emotion."
Yes your so right and I have cried a hell of a lot in the past week or two but so long as I can cry on my own and when nobody is around then I'm ok.(I think I need therapy for this one problem of mine) And yes I feel a fool for allowing my friends to think he was the best thing since sliced bread because he clearly wasn't.

FBaby.....
I was strong by simply saying "no" in my text to him,however I will always wonder what was so important,obviously like you say it was important to him and not me.

taff.......when you mention soon I will get angry,I think that was the very first emotion to hit me,now my emotions are why did I get it so wrong,why didn't I see the signs,I don't really feel angry at him anymore but still a lot of unanswered questions that I will probably never find the answers to and him not being honest with me crucifies me.He couldn't tell me when his feelings changed,he couldn't tell me why he couldn't be honest with me,he wouldn't tell me if he had a replacement woman waiting on the side lines,in fact he explained nothing and that hurts a lot.
On a positive side he dosent have a clue how I'm feeling right now especially by saying a simple "no" on my text to him so I guess that helps me a little bit.

barbiedoll.....
I don't think he could of told me anything new if I had allowed him to ring me.As for him possibly wanting to come back,thats just not possible.When a man says he no longer loves you, that youve reached the end of the road regarding the relationship,how possibly if we got back together he would probably do the same in another 3 years time,hearing things like that will never be erased from my head so I would resent him way too much for us to ever make another go of it.
As for telling my work mates,as I feel right now then I would probably ask my boss to still say nothing to them and for me to say Ive had the flu or something like that.Times moving on and I know Monday will arrive,I could go in work and suddenly tell them(but I don't think so) or I could lie.Maybe its because I was fine and dandy in work on the first 2 weeks of him going,I was coping and feeling really strong,no one had a clue and I would love to go back to work feeling that strong again.


Mojisola ......
I will definatly take a look at your link and hopefully some sense will be knocked back into my head.

I do know I,ll get over him and I realise its early days for me,his lad is coming to see me this weekend and I'm so pleased about that.Just not sure whether to be honest and tell him exactly how I'm feeling or lie and say I'm fine and dandy.Again I ask......why the hell is it so important to me to keep putting a strong front on in front of everyone,healthwise it cant be good for me??Yet surprisingly I can be open and honest to a group of people I would probably never meet in my life??

my-user-name

chiefie wrote: »

My first wife told me after I had been away from work in February (long time ago) she wanted a separation. We lived together until she found a rented property. For me it was hell as it was 4 months till she got the keys. I remember lying in the bath thinking when that bubble bath bottle is empty she will be gone. Well she picked up the keys in June time but came back the same day in tears as the house wasn't in the order she was expecting and that it was a sign we should stay together. I couldn't take it and told her to leave and she went to her sisters. Don't know where I found the strength to do that even though I didn't want to be alone but I knew she would leave eventually. She came back Xmas eve that year to pick all the rest of her stuff up - happy christmas ! But I recovered and have a wonderful family. We even went out for a meal when our divorce came through so we could end on a positive note. Be strong, believe in you, don't go looking for love elsewhere yet it's too early and get in touch with yourself. Good luck. I was lonely for a while, tried too much with the opposite sex to impress and had one bad episode where I had dreamed she had returned and when I woke up I was convinced she was downstairs. I was devastated when I walked into the kitchen and realised I had dreamt it. But you pick yourself up and keep walking one step at a time 😀 I have over shared but I feel for you and want you to know that you can do it !!

chiefie,Ive just seen your post.
I understand the bubble bath scenario,for me it was realisation that I was going to have to buy razors instead of pinching them off him without him realising ,I remember thinking shall I get mens razors or the pinky girly ones,crazy isn't it lol (Ive bought neither coz no ones going to see my legs for a long time to come!) ok I,ll buy them at the weekend and yes pink girly ones.
How on earth could she leave and then come back the same day??????
Its nice that you could both get together to have a meal,God the food would of stuck in my throat I think but it proves that you both moved on and you do seem happy which is excellent.
As for dreams,Ive had many regarding him since he left,the last one he followed me when I booked for a cruise,all my friends surprised me as I thought I was going on this cruise on my own.Although he didn't speak to me in the dream,he was always by my side.That was one of my good dreams,I best not put the bad ones on lol
As for not going to look for love,hells bells not for the next few years that I can definatly promise.In time I will learn to love the single life and I do realise its early days.

my-user-name

Lucy_Lastic wrote: »

This has happened to me twice!

The first husband left me a note, he moved out while I was at work (after 13 years of marriage).

The second husband told me he was leaving, left, came back after a week saying he had made a big mistake. He left again after a month. (He lasted 10 years).

In both cases there was another woman.

I have been happily single for almost 20 years. There will not be a third time!

You are doing really well, keep strong, don't keep your feelings to yourself, vent on here, cry on your friends shoulders, you will be fine, it just takes time.

Good luck!

He left you a note???isn't that our thing to do??lol I only thought its women who left a note!
I only have one fear in life,Im not scared of dying or anything like that but my one fear is leaving this world without having anyone to hold my hand,I always thought he would be the one to do that when it was my time.However I do have family and good friends so they,ll just have to do it instead!
The singledom life dosent fret me,I know in time I will learn to enjoy it as much as I can

EdwardB

my-user-name wrote: »

He left you a note???isn't that our thing to do??lol I only thought its women who left a note!
I only have one fear in life,Im not scared of dying or anything like that but my one fear is leaving this world without having anyone to hold my hand,I always thought he would be the one to do that when it was my time.However I do have family and good friends so they,ll just have to do it instead!
The singledom life dosent fret me,I know in time I will learn to enjoy it as much as I can

A cowardly thing to do, soon we will have, finish by text, finish by tweet and I hear that Facebook is bringing in a Dislike button!

The "I am leaving you, the removal van will be here in 20 minutes" is apparently quite common.

I have no respect for people who spend years of their life with someone and won't invest in a discussion and an attempt to fix.

Karma will sort your ex, not worth your time, thoughts or consideration.