14 years I feel Ive wasted,not sure how to cope

my-user-name

DavidP24 wrote: »

59 is young!

Plenty of life to go, people live to their 90's these days and you are as young as you feel.

Take this as a chance to rebalance your life, get new interests, make new friends, live life for YOU.

Let your baseball bat be virtual, the best revenge is getting on with your life and leaving him to have to look in the mirror and face up to who he is.

I have no respect for people who do not at least try to make things work, everyone deserves to be happy but it is just not nice to do this suddenly with no discussion. It says a lot more about him than it does about you.

As you say, it will take time and there is no shortcut, I cherish all of the chapters I have had, some were awful at the time and some hostile with me but I let it wash away like sleep in the shower.

Any loss goes through the bereavement stages of Shock, Denial, Negotiation, Anger, Sorrow, Despression and finally Acceptance. Knowing which stage you are in can help and I feel that we can go around them a few times if we try to rush it.

Getting yourself into something can help, perhaps repaint your home, treat yourself to a massage or reflexology session.

Make a list of all the things that he liked done his way, then tear it up and do what YOU want.

Baseball bat is deinatly virtual David.
I suppose 59 is young when you look at it considering how old we can actually get to nowadays.
I am young at heart and I know soon I,ll get back to the old "me"....only this time I will do the things I want to do not what people expect me to do.
The stages of grief you mention was the same for me when I lost my mum(my one true friend and soulmate),if I can get through the loss of my mum then I can get over anything that is thrown at me,I just have to take my time to get to the Acceptance one.

my-user-name

FBaby wrote: »

The problem is that stopping loving someone rarely happens suddenly. It happens slowly with issues getting in a way and not getting resolved because it is either easier not to, or because we don't know how to go about to resolve them.

I think it is easy to fall in a default position of comfort which can feel like love but isn't. It is fine as long as you don't start questioning your life, what you've accomplished, what you haven't, what you are missing out, what you can't change etc....

Then one day something happens that makes you reavaluate everything and you realise you don't love that person you've built a comfortable life with and you want more in your life then just comfort. You also don't believe that the love can come back because the issues have been around for too long if not forever.

It is a horrible situation because you know you are going to end up hurting someone you care for deeply, so it becomes a case of do you go along and ignore your yearning, or do you go ahead with it.

I agree that many people are more than anything petrified of hurting other's feelings, so once they realise that nothing they can do will make it better, they go out the coward way.

I hope you rebuild you life quickly and gain something from this situation that currently feels like a tragedy. Be angry at the situation, but don't habour revenge, it won't really make you feel better. Only trusting that with time you will move on and heal will do.

"The problem is that stopping loving someone rarely happens suddenly" which must mean its been coming for a long time.....so why on earth did I not notice it?? Maybe I should of taken time out to realise something wasn't right.but I could see no signs??? I don't think it was because I didn't want to see those signs,unless I was so in "my own little world" to actually notice something wasn't right??
I did actually put myself first just before Christmas and actually did what I wanted to do,could that have been my downfall??.

my-user-name

DavidP24 wrote: »

He is as insignificant as a knat compared to your Mum.

On a positive not he gave you some of his time and attention, you cared for him too, there must have been some good times or you would not be grieving. So try to see that as the positive parts of the chapter, but this book has a lot more yet to happen,

When we go through this we wish we could fast forward but we can't so we have to rebuild ourselves, the negative is that somehow this makes you feel less worthy but remember, he is the one with a problem, not you.

Yep,compared to my precious mum he is David and even less than a knat with my lovely dad(as you can see I was blessed with loving parents),we never had money and was quite poor if I'm honest when we were growing up but we always knew we were well loved and that's all that mattered)
You see,all my family and friends know how much I love him and telling them what has happened will crucify me,yes they will fully understand but I feel like a fool
There was good times,very good times but now I'm trying to back track to see where it actually went wrong and I am trying to pinpoint when his feelings changed for me.

my-user-name

DavidP24 wrote: »

There is a name for parents like yours, "salt of the earth".

Your friends and family will get behind you, they will understand that this is his problem not yours.

Really no need to feel foolish, I would rather love and lose then never love at all.

What you are doing is a normal part of grief, it is called "processing", we try to make sense of it, when did it start, why did it happen, what could I do differently, how can I fix it, who is responsible.

In the end, even if there is nobody else, he has betrayed your trust because of the way he ended it and there is no going back. Looking back and thinking "what did I do wrong" will not help because you did nothing wrong. He is just less emotionally mature and a coward.

Bless you for your kind words David.
Salt of the earth sums up mum and dad perfectly!
Ive treated myself today to some lovely bedding so its a early night for me.Before then (as its rubbish on tv) I'm off to spring clean my home from top to bottom!
Not sure how tomorrow will pan out when he collects his things,will try my upmost to be civil(famous last words) lol

[Deleted User]

my-user-name wrote: »

I'm actually off to town when Ive had a cuppa,first thing on my list.....bedding,very ,very pretty bedding!!And Ive just remembered Ive got a £50 Debenhams gift card,yay!!!

I did exactly the same thing.., when my ex and I split up I got myself some lovely pretty good quality white bedding with roses on, something I wouldn't have dreamed of having while he was there. Kindof made a good out of a bad. I still have it on the bed now, bit faded and needs replacing but only when I can find something I like as much lol. That first night was actually quite pleasant. It was a 'me' night.

Decorating is a very very good way of making you feel positive about moving on.

my-user-name

DavidP24 wrote: »

Hopefully you did not hit him TOO HARD!!

No I didnt hit him hard(but by God I wanted to).
He moved all his stuff out of my home,he actually only took what belonged to him,nothing more,nothing less.
And Ive heard nothing since.
Having time on my own I have looked back and wondered if I should of noticed something sooner....and I should have.
I'm now thinking he maybe has another woman,am I thinking that because I prefer to have a reason for him leaving rather than him just falling out of love with me??,just not sure.,But looking back things did change slightly once we came back from our holiday in September,when your on your own you have plenty of time to reflect and Ive been doing a lot of reflecting in the past few days.
I was still going to work but yesterday before I left for work I had a bit of a head wobble so I rang in and asked for a few days off,Im back in work on Thursday now.
Its early days but whats keeping me busy is changing the flat to something totally different.In the past few days Ive bought a new shaggy rug for the living room,new tables and chairs,new ornements ,I'm now looking for new bedroom furniture and finally Ive bought 10 litres of brilliant white paint to brighten everywhere up so I,ll be busy while I'm off work which will be a good thing.
The pains still there but I know in time it will fade away.

catflap11

This happened to me about 5 months ago, my wife turned round and told me she wasnt happy and it was over. No opportunity to discuss things or try and resolve any issues.All of our friends are shocked as they thought we were the strongest couple out of all our group.

Its almostlike she is going through a midlife crisis, i looked back through photos over the last year and I can't recall at any time there being worries or concerns or even bickering. I think other posters have said it is like a physical blow and i totally agree.

I'll never understand where things went wrong, i offered to go to counselling but she said it wouldnt make any difference. Its been hard but my friends have been super supportive and I dont think i could have coped without them. I have managed to find a new flat and I am currently furnishing it in my taste and its quite liberating. All I can say is things will get better, honestly, and it may end up being a blessing in disguise even if at the moment it is horrific.

DigForVictory

Atta gal!
Locks all now changed?

Clinic visited (not asking the results, but that you did please go!)?

Council tax discount sorted?

Meters read? (New account, after all - better rates?)

Neighbours told (*so* much better from you)?

Postal divert set up?

Stray TV channels pruned (anything *you* prefer instead?!)

Been on a (judicious) spree around Debenhams?!

Taken off that eternity ring & cosseted yourself to a full manicure?

Of course, grieve as you need still, but take the steps to make it your place. Maybe tuck the TV savings direct in a Holiday account?

FBaby

What a great idea to redecorate/refurnished your place. Not only it will make it a bit easier to move on seeing your flat as 'mine' rather than 'ours', but also it will keep you busy and distracted and the bonus is a flat that looks even nicer. Great thinking!

my-user-name

DigForVictory wrote: »

Atta gal!
Locks all now changed?

Clinic visited (not asking the results, but that you did please go!)?

Council tax discount sorted?

Meters read? (New account, after all - better rates?)

Neighbours told (*so* much better from you)?

Postal divert set up?

Stray TV channels pruned (anything *you* prefer instead?!)

Been on a (judicious) spree around Debenhams?!

Taken off that eternity ring & cosseted yourself to a full manicure?

Of course, grieve as you need still, but take the steps to make it your place. Maybe tuck the TV savings direct in a Holiday account?

What a list!!! lol
Locks now changed!!
Clinic definatly visited(I'm ok,phew!)
Council Tax....25% discount!
Meters not read,Im still here and he paid !!!!!! all towards my gas,electric etc
Neighbours told....Only one whos actually come up to me to ask whats going on
Posts all going back into the letterbox with "not known at this address"
Stray channels......I knew I had to do something!
Debenhams......still got my £50 voucher,yay!
Cant take eternity ring off I don't class it as my eternity ring,I class it as something very special from a second hand side street in New York when we went in 2015.
Its such a unusual one DforV,its not like the bog standard eternity ring that many ladies weat.Its heart shaped with blue stone surrounding by diamonds(it sounds expensive but it was around £500 English money).the second I saw it I just knew it was mine.The blue stone is the excat colour of my beautiful mums eyes,bright and always sparkling when she was alive. On top of the blue stone is three straight lines,when I saw these it reminded me of when the twin towers fell and all that was left was the iron girders,the lines remind me of those.The diamonds are in a heart shape which I suppose is connected to him.I knew we would be looking for a eternity ring when we went to New York but I didn't want a brand new ring,I wanted a second hand ring which had a background to it even though I would never know the history of it I still wanted a ring which was different to the usual eternity ring.We then went to the top of The Empire State building and that's where he put it on my finger,plus it was the anniversary date of 9/11 so in my eyes this ring is more than special to me.
Now before you think what a gernerous man he is,he actually paid for it ....out of our spending money lol I was waiting for him to get his credit card out but instead he pulled out our spending money and counted out the dollars.I still love the ring though and basically I paid for half of it so I cant throw it,sell it or give it away.Besides when I look at it I think of my precious mum not him.