14 years I feel Ive wasted,not sure how to cope

my-user-name

Peccary wrote: »

The best revenge is to start planning to move on in my opinion. I don't mean to a new relationship, rather getting on with living! You have to go through the mourning period but give yourself things to look forward to. Say yes to every invitation, try something new!
One of the first things I did at the end of a 5+ year relationship was book a flight somewhere I really wanted to grand went by myself (the ex had never been keen)
Don't try too hard to hide it from your nearest and dearest or work, people will come through for you! My old boss actually gave me a few days extra leave to get away and sort my head out!

Thank for your wise words Peccary,I do have annual leave for a week at the beginning of May but I might try and bring that forward,plus I will try and get this week off so I'm here when he packs his stuff.
I know what you mean about not getting a new relationship,when I'm over all of this I know I will settle for a single life.I spent years bringing my girl up on my own and when she finally flew the nest I absolutely adored the single life and being my own boss,it was actually heaven!
A holiday away from here sounds a great idea even though it will mean dipping into my savings,I can always do extra overtime when I get back home I guess.

Peccary

Some time away from the flat is vital I reckon! especially after he has taken his stuff.

my-user-name

Peccary wrote: »

Some time away from the flat is vital I reckon! especially after he has taken his stuff.

It all depends if I can get the time away form work Peccary,I have to ring them up tomorrow to see if I can take a few days leave asap so not sure if it will be allowed.I guess if I told them the reason why then they would understand but I honestly don't want anyone to know at the moment.I coped ok at work last week and I know its because no one knew anything and for now anyway I want to keep it at that if its possible.
I will also try to bring forward my weeks annual leave I have booked for the beginning of May,that might help me.

my-user-name

DavidP24 wrote: »

I am sorry for your loss, in time you will be able to put this into perspective, but the time passes slowly and there is no FF button.

A few of my male friends seem to have real issues talking about stuff, some worry about causing upset others just selfish.

In time you will be able to view this relationship as a chapter in your life with no regrets because to some extent it made you who you are.

You could encourage him to see relate or read the Dr Phil Relationship Rescue book but would you really want to allow someone who would hurt you in this way back into your Trust Zone?

He is entitled to be happy and if he wasn't that is not your fault, he has a mouth and is capable of communicating, unless you are psychic how would you guess when he pretends to be happy?

At least it is not as messy as some on here.

Time will help, you will meet a nicer person who will cherish you.

Thanks so much for your words David,its nice to hear this from a mans point of view.
But why do some men(not all) tend to keep things to their selves,surely health wise alone isn't good?Its a true saying "its good to talk".
Last time,3 years ago,when he came back he said he "took his eye off the ball" and he would never do that again..but he did.
He always said he would be honest with me,if he began to have feelings for another women then he promised he would tell me.If he stopped loving me,he said he would tell me.So why wait until I press him for the truth does he only then come out with it??
Men,I,ll never understand them lol

Peccary

I do understand, every time anyone at work asked if I was ok I burst in to tears at work! Luckily I'm in academia so it's fairly casual! See if you can get those few days then plan something longer. In the meantime take care of yourself and let people be there for you x

Mojisola

If you can't get time off to get away, try redecorating and perhaps buying some new furniture or pictures or bedding or even just moving things around.

Make home different to how it was when he was part of the household.

my-user-name

Peccary wrote: »

I do understand, every time anyone at work asked if I was ok I burst in to tears at work! Luckily I'm in academia so it's fairly casual! See if you can get those few days then plan something longer. In the meantime take care of yourself and let people be there for you x

Spot on Peccary,I know for a fact if just one work collegue mentioned it I would lose it and end up in floods of tears and I honestly don't want to do that.
When I was in work last week and coping with it a good few times I thought to myself" bloody heck your good at putting a front on!" then I wondered if the other staff have problems of their own and they are doing the same??

my-user-name

Mojisola wrote: »

If you can't get time off to get away, try redecorating and perhaps buying some new furniture or pictures or bedding or even just moving things around.

Make home different to how it was when he was part of the household.

I'm actually off to town when Ive had a cuppa,first thing on my list.....bedding,very ,very pretty bedding!!And Ive just remembered Ive got a £50 Debenhams gift card,yay!!!

my-user-name

DavidP24 wrote: »

I can't answer for all men, when you start looking at DSM V and personalities you realise that there are no normal people, just people pretending to be normal, whatever normal is anyway.

However, there is some truth to the "Men going into their caves" and "Women sharing with friends" I guess.

What some women do is throw something back in the face of their men and so they never confide again because they take it personally. If you think that they went to their cave and only confided once they could not solve it and then had their failure thrown back in their face, it destroys their self respect.

I am not saying you did this, anybody in his life could have done it and so for him it is like burning your hand when you touch the oven shelf, you learn to avoid it.

People "say" a lot of sheeeet and maybe they mean it at the time, but their feelings change,

Sometimes with men it is their own self image that is the issue, they feel they do not deserve the mutual respect.

Any person, man or woman can fall out of love, a relationship is like a garden, it need tendering and we all get wrapped up in life tasks.

As I said some men are weak, they would rather avoid the hurting of feelings than deal with the actual issues that make them slide away.

I got an interesting perspective from a friend of mine who was online dating, they were seeing 12 people, then 6 then 4, then 3 but at that point they had trouble choosing because each one met a different set of their needs. One was motherly and easy to live with, another had good status and push them to maximise their career, the other was quite easy to live with but very much into their own things. Of course they ended up with none because no one person could live up to the feeling of all three.

I very much feel that some men can be lazy in finding "the one", someone who accepts you for who you are no matter what. They do not realise that shared values are as important as any other traits they seek, if not more.

In a way he has done you a favour, you are still young and have time to find someone who is worthy, let him go with no hard feelings but no return either.

Gosh your words are a eye opener! I defiantly believe in most,if not all of what you have written.
I can see him in a lot of your post David,maybe I will have to think even more about your words and take them in properly.
Although I'm not young(59 and dreading the big 60!) I still feel young at heart,always have done."No hard feelings" will convince me hes done me a big favour in time I think,not yet though.Right now I just want to take a baseball bat to him...and more but I'm better than that so will just have to give it time.

FBaby

If he stopped loving me,he said he would tell me.So why wait until I press him for the truth does he only then come out with it?

The problem is that stopping loving someone rarely happens suddenly. It happens slowly with issues getting in a way and not getting resolved because it is either easier not to, or because we don't know how to go about to resolve them.

I think it is easy to fall in a default position of comfort which can feel like love but isn't. It is fine as long as you don't start questioning your life, what you've accomplished, what you haven't, what you are missing out, what you can't change etc....

Then one day something happens that makes you reavaluate everything and you realise you don't love that person you've built a comfortable life with and you want more in your life then just comfort. You also don't believe that the love can come back because the issues have been around for too long if not forever.

It is a horrible situation because you know you are going to end up hurting someone you care for deeply, so it becomes a case of do you go along and ignore your yearning, or do you go ahead with it.

I agree that many people are more than anything petrified of hurting other's feelings, so once they realise that nothing they can do will make it better, they go out the coward way.

I hope you rebuild you life quickly and gain something from this situation that currently feels like a tragedy. Be angry at the situation, but don't habour revenge, it won't really make you feel better. Only trusting that with time you will move on and heal will do.