14 years I feel Ive wasted,not sure how to cope

Barny1979

I presume the other half of OP is on a mortgage? If so, the locks cannot be changed

Ignore, just seen post regards owning flat outright.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

my-user-name wrote: »

I really doubt it McKneff but then again I honestly don't know.
His passion is golf so he does a lot of that but he dosent go out with a bunch of guys or anything like that unless its a special birthday.
One thing he did say last night "I just feel dead inside" I'm not sure if he meant it or if he was saying it to me for sympathy,he got neither.
Could he be depressed and Ive got it all wrong??? he just wont open up to me or anyone else so I honestly don't know.

Not your problem anymore. Probably feeling sorry for himself because he knows he couldn't get your flat. Be prepared for grief when he realises how much a house (a house? For a single man? Unless he's minted, that's not likely - be careful he doesn't try to use your flat as collateral for a rental agreement, as not even paying for SKY means he's not as likely to have an acceptable credit score).

It's not unusual for some partners to get disillusioned when their OH loses a lot of weight, as they're suddenly not as 'unattractive' and become more confident/less likely to settle for being shortchanged. If you ever read the massive weight loss stories in diet magazines (my mother used to buy tons of them) the majority seemed to often mention that towards the end of the weight loss, they split up with their partners. That's the partner's issue, not the one who has made all the effort. And to blame leaving on you being larger in the first place? Cruel and superficial.


I'd change the locks now and put his stuff outside in bin bags - that way he can collect it whether you're there or not.

Caroline_a

I know someone who was with her chap for 9 years. They had a seemingly happy life.... then she found out that he'd cheated on her. She was devastated but they gave it a second chance. Then he discovered Tinder and its friends.... unfortunately she found his phone with very damning evidence on it. She called a halt immediately. I'm fairly sure he thought it would be ok... but it wasn't. She sold the house, took the money and got herself a new life. He, however, is now living in a fairly grotty bedsit, I'm sure regretting every swipe right and left!

OP, in 6 months time you'll be so happy this was all over and done with! Not so sure your ex will be though.... !

my-user-name

DigForVictory wrote: »

If you have even a slight niggle there may be a third party, get to an STD clinic. Just for the peace of mind.

Tell your GP he's left, tell the dentist he's left - go through the contact list as if he'd died. Just information for courtesy. Let him try to pick up the pieces.

Tell the Council he's left - you're now eligible for single person discount. (Yes, I do appreciate, Ice Cold, but right now, I'm looking to shut the door he's snuck out through & prop up every bonus that comes from being suddenly single.)

Set up a postal divert. *Everything* in his name goes to his mum. Not cheap, but will spare you some unwanted post.

Got locks and spare keys cut ready for Thursday? Locksmith booked? (May be the right time to upgrade if you can afford it, as it should trim house insurance premiums.)

You may need to tell your workplace, to protect them from him walking in & them thinking he's OK & not a security risk. Also things like tax codes may need to shift.

Definitely call up & chop out the TV channels you neither need not want.

Please have someone come over & stay with you for a bit. I'd also not give the new keys to the children, just yet.

I'd not immediately suggest telling the police, but if there's any issue of him potentially hammering on the door? Then yes. Knowing a copper is likely to show up, alert for potential domestic violence, should see your golf enthusiast steered away. He wants to have second thoughts? Again? Nope. You lost the weight & are the stronger & healthier for it - and if he didn't decide to stay to appreciate it, he does not get a second chance. Your eternity ring? It's beautiful, it was a gift, but it still doesn't give him a scrap of rights here & now.

Meantime, I wouldn't *want* to, but I'd tell the neighbours. So they can tell you if he's been around when you've been at work. Better they hear it from you, in person, than his version, whatever it may be?

Then heck, yes, mourn. You've told work - ask for time. If there's any counselling available through them, grab it with both hands.
You've had the good bits of 14 years tarnished & a hand to help you hold onto them, and put them into context, is unlikely to hurt.

Heck I wish I had your strength DigForVictory!
Your right on all counts throughout your post ,were both well known to the neighbours(definatly in a good way!) so they will see the removal van coming to collect his goods.
They will ask me about it and when they do I,ll tell them.As for hammering on the door,Im certain he wouldn't,in fact I'm certain once hes gone then that will be it.
This time is different from the last time he left,last time he cried,this time I felt he couldn't wait to leave(yes ok creeping his way out of the door so I wouldn't hear him) this time seems permanent.
I'm looking for a locksmith to come on Thursday morning,I wouldn't have a clue how to do it.

my-user-name

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Not your problem anymore. Probably feeling sorry for himself because he knows he couldn't get your flat. Be prepared for grief when he realises how much a house (a house? For a single man? Unless he's minted, that's not likely - be careful he doesn't try to use your flat as collateral for a rental agreement, as not even paying for SKY means he's not as likely to have an acceptable credit score).

It's not unusual for some partners to get disillusioned when their OH loses a lot of weight, as they're suddenly not as 'unattractive' and become more confident/less likely to settle for being shortchanged. If you ever read the massive weight loss stories in diet magazines (my mother used to buy tons of them) the majority seemed to often mention that towards the end of the weight loss, they split up with their partners. That's the partner's issue, not the one who has made all the effort. And to blame leaving on you being larger in the first place? Cruel and superficial.


I'd change the locks now and put his stuff outside in bin bags - that way he can collect it whether you're there or not.

He seemed happy when I lost the weight and it was good to have more confidence in myself,your right about partners splitting up once once weight loss has happened in a relationship and Ive kept that weight off for such a long time
Don't know why I forgave him last time

my-user-name

Caroline_a wrote: »

I know someone who was with her chap for 9 years. They had a seemingly happy life.... then she found out that he'd cheated on her. She was devastated but they gave it a second chance. Then he discovered Tinder and its friends.... unfortunately she found his phone with very damning evidence on it. She called a halt immediately. I'm fairly sure he thought it would be ok... but it wasn't. She sold the house, took the money and got herself a new life. He, however, is now living in a fairly grotty bedsit, I'm sure regretting every swipe right and left!

OP, in 6 months time you'll be so happy this was all over and done with! Not so sure your ex will be though.... !

I just cannot understand why certain men (and women too) think the grass is greener on the other side,maybe I was stupid with him throughout the relationship(I seem to get softer the older I get).
I'm starting to feel angry now which I think is good for me,yes there will be down times I know but for now I feel just a tad stronger than I did this morning.
In 6 months time I know I will be stronger.

keith969

OP you have my sympathy.

My ex and I lived together for 23 years (like you we never married). About 8 years ago just after my son went to Uni, she started having an affair with someone several years younger. She moved in with him after that Xmas, I had to sell the house as she wanted her share, then I bought another and my son lived with me until after he graduated and got a job. The first year was the worst, you find out who your friends really are, and they're not always who you thought they were. I don't see her that often these days but there is no animosity now. Keep busy and be kind to yourself, things will get better.

my-user-name

keith969 wrote: »

OP you have my sympathy.

My ex and I lived together for 23 years (like you we never married). About 8 years ago just after my son went to Uni, she started having an affair with someone several years younger. She moved in with him after that Xmas, I had to sell the house as she wanted her share, then I bought another and my son lived with me until after he graduated and got a job. The first year was the worst, you find out who your friends really are, and they're not always who you thought they were. I don't see her that often these days but there is no animosity now. Keep busy and be kind to yourself, things will get better.

That's a hell of a lot of years Keith
I'm determined to keep myself busy...as from tomorrow anyway. However, today Ive done absolutely nothing and I'm actually enjoying it in a weird kind of way.Tonight its dvd,s and food which isn't in the slimming world books . This is the only cheating I,ll be doing.lol

DigForVictory

my-user-name wrote: »

Heck I wish I had your strength DigForVictory!

I'm not strong, I'm just ferocious protective.
My sister still grieves over what might-have-been with a bloke who made a right stuff of medical ethics over three decades ago - as a result the whole family has a slight "reaching for the shotgun" twitch whenever a certain bloke's name is used.

So when she counts over the could-have-beens, I count over ways I could have helped. The really stone cold practical methods.

It's my way of repaying not being strong enough then to try to help others now.

my-user-name

DigForVictory wrote: »

I'm not strong, I'm just ferocious protective.
My sister still grieves over what might-have-been with a bloke who made a right stuff of medical ethics over three decades ago - as a result the whole family has a slight "reaching for the shotgun" twitch whenever a certain bloke's name is used.

So when she counts over the could-have-beens, I count over ways I could have helped. The really stone cold practical methods.

It's my way of repaying not being strong enough then to try to help others now.

I wish you was my sister