14 years I feel Ive wasted,not sure how to cope

my-user-name

Wow I take my hat off to you jackieblack,maybe in time(a lot of time) we can be the same but right now I'm all over the place mainly because he should of been honest with me from the beginning and yes you are right,I wouldn't want him to be with me knowing he didn't love me but at the same time I'm angry that he allowed it to continue knowing he didn't love me.
I guess I'm just feeling raw at the moment and I know I,ll have to take it one day at a time.

my-user-name

helcat26 wrote: »

I am sorry to hear you are having a miserable time.


If I can suggest it I think a little rage would be good for you.
Do you want him back after he has treated you this way? Is it fair that this has all been a one way decision?


Perhaps he thinks he has full control of this and can come back if he pleases?
Get angry. Pack his stuff up and give him a time to collect it by. Tell him to leave the keys.
It might give him a shock.
Do not go for damage or revenge, you are better than that

No I don't want him back if he feels this way helcat that's for definite.
However 3 years ago he left me for a few weeks,way back then I had thyroid problems and I piled on the weight,he told me he had lost the love for the physical side of me(he meant I no longer turned him on) so I asked him to leave which he did.Within a week he was knocking on the door begging to come back...and I let him.
He said he had realised what he was losing and was determined he would never treat me like that again.I struggled but did manage to lose over 5 and a half stone in less than 6 months thanks to slimming world and Ive kept it off since.The loss gave me confidance and in the bedroom it was so much better.
So the past 3 years have been good(in my eyes anyway) and that's why I'm shocked hes come out with this.Maybe deep down I'm hoping he will do the same again but this time I felt he couldn't wait to get out of the door this morning.

Pollycat

What an awful shock that must have been to you.

How despicable to just slink out without saying anything to you, what a coward.

Sorry, I'm not that great at touchy-feely, hugging sort of stuff - I'm more of a practical type - but I'd start thinking about how you are going to cope financially without him.

my-user-name

Pollycat wrote: »

What an awful shock that must have been to you.

How despicable to just slink out without saying anything to you, what a coward.

Sorry, I'm not that great at touchy-feely, hugging sort of stuff - I'm more of a practical type - but I'd start thinking about how you are going to cope financially without him.

Financial wise I should be ok Pollycat,the flat belongs to me, I owed it outright before he moved in all those years ago..The only thing I might have to do is cancel my sky,sky sports and bt sports otherwise I should be ok(he paid for them but he will probably cancel the payments he puts into my account each month for them)
I work full time so I have money coming in,yes I,ll have to cut back but I should be ok

Pollycat

my-user-name wrote: »

Financial wise I should be ok Pollycat,the flat belongs to me, I owed it outright before he moved in all those years ago..The only thing I might have to do is cancel my sky,sky sports and bt sports otherwise I should be ok(he paid for them but he will probably cancel the payments he puts into my account each month for them)
I work full time so I have money coming in,yes I,ll have to cut back but I should be ok

Are you not married?

Didn't he contribute anything financially to the relationship?

This recent thread discusses the split of an unmarried couple where he owned the house before she moved in. She paid money towards the bills:
http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=5590942

Sorry if it's not what you want to hear but better be sure of where you stand.

If he stops paying Sky & BT without cancelling the agreement properly, the debt will go against his account as it sounds like he paid them and gave you the money for it.
If you need to I hope they will speak to you as you're not the account holder.

my-user-name

Pollycat wrote: »

Are you not married?

Didn't he contribute anything financially to the relationship?

This recent thread discusses the split of an unmarried couple where he owned the house before she moved in. She paid money towards the bills:
http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=5590942

Sorry if it's not what you want to hear but better be sure of where you stand.



If he stops paying Sky & BT without cancelling the agreement properly, the debt will go against his account as it sounds like he paid them and gave you the money for it.
If you need to I hope they will speak to you as you're not the account holder.

No Pollycat we lived together,not married.

Every month he would put via direct debit £100 into my bank account,my sky bill was usually around £110 and the account is in my name so its up to me to cancel it.
At Christmas as one of his presents I got for him was BT Sports ,its 3 months free then £21 per month after that,again in my name so I will have to try and cancel that asap even though they will probably charge me.
He paid half the food bill each month and occasionally he would put money in the gas and electric meter and that's about it.

Top_Girl

my-user-name wrote: »

Thank you Cherry for your wise words.
He has told his son but he hasn't told him the reason why.Hes moved back to his mums home and is looking for alternative accommodation,again he hasn't explained why we are separating,in his words " its none of their business" so yet again hes still not opening up
The thought of telling family and friends fills me with dread,I just feel I need to get over this shock first before I start to talk to people who know us.

Firstly, you haven't wasted 14 years. I know it feels like that now, but you must both have been happy at some point.

Do you have children?

Sod everyone else. Be kind to yourself and get yourself through the early shock and heartbreak. They can wait.

elona

He is in for one hell of a shock when he finds out what rent and bills really cost, never mind food and repairs etc.

It does not sound as if he has really grown up while you have a good head on your shoulders.

I would bet good money that he will try to come back when he finds the grass is not greener or fails to find someone else to quickly provide him a home, home comforts and the appreciation he feels is his due.

You deserve so much better and please take care of yourself.

The way he left by sidling out of the door like a snake does not suggest maturity or decency (Can you tell I have taken a real scunner to him?)

my-user-name

Top_Girl wrote: »

Firstly, you haven't wasted 14 years. I know it feels like that now, but you must both have been happy at some point.

Do you have children?

Sod everyone else. Be kind to yourself and get yourself through the early shock and heartbreak. They can wait.

Yep in my eyes and mind we was happy,well I was until this morning.
I have a grown up daughter,he has 2 lads (one 28,the other 23) and I love the bones of them and vice versur .Ive always got on with them from day one,there fantastic lads.
Your right I should say sod everyone else.For today anyway I'm going to do !!!!!! all and I mean !!!!!! all,tomorrow I'm going to clean my home from top to bottom,I always feel good when I do that.

Top_Girl

my-user-name wrote: »

Yep in my eyes and mind we was happy,well I was until this morning.
I have a grown up daughter,he has 2 lads (one 28,the other 23) and I love the bones of them and vice versur .Ive always got on with them from day one,there fantastic lads.
Your right I should say sod everyone else.For today anyway I'm going to do !!!!!! all and I mean !!!!!! all,tomorrow I'm going to clean my home from top to bottom,I always feel good when I do that.

You should be able to keep in touch with them then, always nice.

You do right. Drag out some favourite books/dvds and get on the sofa with tea/wine (but not too much) and your favourite comfort food and have a you night.