14 years I feel Ive wasted,not sure how to cope

my-user-name

fierystormcloud wrote: »

14 years together, never married, not any real financial commitments together, and the house was yours. Did he never want to take the relationship further, or commit more? Did you not ever want to? Sorry to be nosey; I just find it hard to fathom a couple being together 14 years, and be living almost like flatmates, rather than a loving couple.

As a few people have said on here, he sounds immature and like he's had it good for years, and you sound like you could do better.

Agree with Gayle, change the locks. Despite what a couple of people have said though, I don't think he has any right to anything, as you weren't married.

Good luck to you. I hope you'll be OK.

Yep it sounds strange but it worked for us,well obviously not in the cold light of day.
I got married at 18,divorced at 21,stayed on my own with my daughter until he came along.We courted 2 years then he moved in with me.
He got married,had 2 children and divorced his wife about 18 months before we met for the first time.
I kind of wanted the commitment at the beginning I guess and we did speak about taking it further.
However it was clear to see he didn't want to get married.He did say if I wanted us to get married then he would say yes.....kind of a deflating answer so we carried on living together up till today.
We actually went to New York last year and he bought me a eternity ring so basically I classed myself as "eternityfied" I was happy with that lol
Marriage truthfully wasn't high on our agenda fierystormcloud
I'm 59 and he is 57

gayle.

Think I'd pack his stuff for him and be there when he picks it up.
Another of my exes emptied my house, even took the toilet seat, when he came to pick up his stuff when I wasn't in. I was left with a sofa and nothing else (yes, I have terrible taste in men!)

my-user-name

gayle. wrote: »

Think I'd pack his stuff for him and be there when he picks it up.
Another of my exes emptied my house, even took the toilet seat, when he came to pick up his stuff when I wasn't in. I was left with a sofa and nothing else (yes, I have terrible taste in men!)

I honestly don't think he will take anything which dosent belong to him gayle,I think he would be happy just to clear his stuff out and then go.
Hes at his mothers home right now,hes been to see a house to rent and will find out if hes been chosen by Monday,I told him he has till Wednesday to clear the lot.
IHe will have to put it in storage if hes not been chosen and he does know this.
Only time will tell if he fleeces me but I honestly don't think he will.(famous last words)

Pollycat

I'm in agreement with Gayle.
I'd make sure I was there when he came to collect his stuff, not to confront him but to make sure he only took what was his.
You think he'll only take what's his but then again, you'd never have expected him to do something like this.

I know it's early days but have you had any contact from his children or his Mum?

Pollycat

my-user-name wrote: »

Hes at his mothers home right now,hes been to see a house to rent and will find out if hes been chosen by Monday,I told him he has till Wednesday to clear the lot.
IHe will have to put it in storage if hes not been chosen and he does know this.

Lordy! Lordy!
Here's a guy who's going to have a slap in the face with a big dollop of financial reality when he has to start paying for more than his TV pleasures and some food.

my-user-name

Pollycat wrote: »

I'm in agreement with Gayle.
I'd make sure I was there when he came to collect his stuff, not to confront him but to make sure he only took what was his.
You think he'll only take what's his but then again, you'd never have expected him to do something like this.

I know it's early days but have you had any contact from his children or his Mum?

One lads out of the country right now, he said hes told his other son but didn't explain why we were splitting up...again he dosent open up to anyone.He only told his son yesterday so I think he might give me a day or two and then contact me to see if I'm ok.(his son I mean)
As for his mum, nothing so far ,I do get on great with her so I know she will soon be in contact.
I just think it will hurt too much watching him pile his stuff into the back of a van but maybe I might have to,just in case.

my-user-name

Pollycat wrote: »

Lordy! Lordy!
Here's a guy who's going to have a slap in the face with a big dollop of financial reality when he has to start paying for more than his TV pleasures and some food.

You know that Pollycat,I know that too....its going to be a real shock when he eventually realises just how expensive it will be.
And this is why I cant give in to him if he comes knocking at the door saying hes made a huge mistake just like he did last time.

McKneff

It seems a bit odd that it has all happened comparitively quickly.
Are you 100 per cent sure that there is not anyone else in the picture.

my-user-name

McKneff wrote: »

It seems a bit odd that it has all happened comparitively quickly.
Are you 100 per cent sure that there is not anyone else in the picture.

I really doubt it McKneff but then again I honestly don't know.
His passion is golf so he does a lot of that but he dosent go out with a bunch of guys or anything like that unless its a special birthday.
One thing he did say last night "I just feel dead inside" I'm not sure if he meant it or if he was saying it to me for sympathy,he got neither.
Could he be depressed and Ive got it all wrong??? he just wont open up to me or anyone else so I honestly don't know.

DigForVictory

If you have even a slight niggle there may be a third party, get to an STD clinic. Just for the peace of mind.

Tell your GP he's left, tell the dentist he's left - go through the contact list as if he'd died. Just information for courtesy. Let him try to pick up the pieces.

Tell the Council he's left - you're now eligible for single person discount. (Yes, I do appreciate, Ice Cold, but right now, I'm looking to shut the door he's snuck out through & prop up every bonus that comes from being suddenly single.)

Set up a postal divert. *Everything* in his name goes to his mum. Not cheap, but will spare you some unwanted post.

Got locks and spare keys cut ready for Thursday? Locksmith booked? (May be the right time to upgrade if you can afford it, as it should trim house insurance premiums.)

You may need to tell your workplace, to protect them from him walking in & them thinking he's OK & not a security risk. Also things like tax codes may need to shift.

Definitely call up & chop out the TV channels you neither need not want.

Please have someone come over & stay with you for a bit. I'd also not give the new keys to the children, just yet.

I'd not immediately suggest telling the police, but if there's any issue of him potentially hammering on the door? Then yes. Knowing a copper is likely to show up, alert for potential domestic violence, should see your golf enthusiast steered away. He wants to have second thoughts? Again? Nope. You lost the weight & are the stronger & healthier for it - and if he didn't decide to stay to appreciate it, he does not get a second chance. Your eternity ring? It's beautiful, it was a gift, but it still doesn't give him a scrap of rights here & now.

Meantime, I wouldn't *want* to, but I'd tell the neighbours. So they can tell you if he's been around when you've been at work. Better they hear it from you, in person, than his version, whatever it may be?

Then heck, yes, mourn. You've told work - ask for time. If there's any counselling available through them, grab it with both hands.
You've had the good bits of 14 years tarnished & a hand to help you hold onto them, and put them into context, is unlikely to hurt.