14 years I feel Ive wasted,not sure how to cope

my-user-name

EdwardB wrote: »

A cowardly thing to do, soon we will have, finish by text, finish by tweet and I hear that Facebook is bringing in a Dislike button!

The "I am leaving you, the removal van will be here in 20 minutes" is apparently quite common.

I have no respect for people who spend years of their life with someone and won't invest in a discussion and an attempt to fix.

Karma will sort your ex, not worth your time, thoughts or consideration.

I wish Facebook would have a one fingered sign
I should be grateful I suppose Edward,at least mine slinked off into the sunshine while I sat oblivious in the living room,not even a "goodbye", "sorry" or "up yours" was unforgivable.
I should be in the middle of my painting right now,think I,ll have to ban myself on here until its all finished....nah that,ll never happen lol I loathe painting with a passion but it wont get done on its own.

Mojisola

EdwardB wrote: »

The "I am leaving you, the removal van will be here in 20 minutes" is apparently quite common.

There's nothing new about this.

Many years ago, a colleague of my mother was phoned at work by a worried neighbour because there was a big van outside the colleague's house. The neighbour thought the house was being burgled but it was a firm employed by the husband who had decided to leave and take almost everything from the house with him.

If the neighbour hadn't been concerned, the first Mum's colleague would have know about it was when she arrived home from work to an empty house.

my-user-name

Mojisola wrote: »

There's nothing new about this.

Many years ago, a colleague of my mother was phoned at work by a worried neighbour because there was a big van outside the colleague's house. The neighbour thought the house was being burgled but it was a firm employed by the husband who had decided to leave and take almost everything from the house with him.

If the neighbour hadn't been concerned, the first Mum's colleague would have know about it was when she arrived home from work to an empty house.

My Lord that's horrific!!
I hope she took a baseball bat to him!!(only joking!) but it must of been awful for the lady:(
Without doubt that is the height of nastiness...wonder if karma arrives for those who did wrong later on in there life??

EdwardB

my-user-name wrote: »

I wish Facebook would have a one fingered sign
I should be grateful I suppose Edward,at least mine slinked off into the sunshine while I sat oblivious in the living room,not even a "goodbye", "sorry" or "up yours" was unforgivable.

I should be in the middle of my painting right now,think I,ll have to ban myself on here until its all finished....nah that,ll never happen lol I loathe painting with a passion but it wont get done on its own.

His sneaking out is just a sign of an emotional coward.

Funny, always the baseball bat, violence would not be Cricket, besides, this is England and there is nothing wrong with a cricket bat, besides it has more choice, there is the flat side and the angle side:)

Actually I have a widget somewhere that I can put on websites, it has 12 different alternatives to like and then shares them to FB and Twitter, I will check if there is a middle finger.

As for him, let him go with a smile, in time you will see he has done you a favour.



Karma is like the Harassment laws, it only applies if you do nothing to get back at him.

So here is my thinking on painting, the worst part has to be the cleanup, so to reduce the number of times you have to clean.

Preparation is the most important thing, wash the wood down, fill any holes or dents, sand that and any other protrusions down. Then masking tape, and do not bother with the tape from poundworld/land it is the most dire, not fit for purpose product. Actually their paint rollers are equally bad, it was not just that the rollers came off they actually unravelled, did not even get 3 metres done.

The other thing that helps make painting easier is a bottle of wine waiting for when the job and all cleanup is done. :beer:

my-user-name

EdwardB wrote: »

His sneaking out is just a sign of an emotional coward.

Funny, always the baseball bat, violence would not be Cricket, besides, this is England and there is nothing wrong with a cricket bat, besides it has more choice, there is the flat side and the angle side:)

Actually I have a widget somewhere that I can put on websites, it has 12 different alternatives to like and then shares them to FB and Twitter, I will check if there is a middle finger.

As for him, let him go with a smile, in time you will see he has done you a favour.



Karma is like the Harassment laws, it only applies if you do nothing to get back at him.

So here is my thinking on painting, the worst part has to be the cleanup, so to reduce the number of times you have to clean.

Preparation is the most important thing, wash the wood down, fill any holes or dents, sand that and any other protrusions down. Then masking tape, and do not bother with the tape from poundworld/land it is the most dire, not fit for purpose product. Actually their paint rollers are equally bad, it was not just that the rollers came off they actually unravelled, did not even get 3 metres done.

The other thing that helps make painting easier is a bottle of wine waiting for when the job and all cleanup is done. :beer:

Well Edward,all I can say its been a horrendous weekend,heard from his mum that hes moving into the rented house this week,hes received the keys and is ready to move in.
I knew it was going to happen and I honestly thought it wouldn't effect me,boy how wrong I was:(
I spent all yesterday either bawling my eyes out and when I say bawling I mean inconsolable bawling then swinging to the total opposite and becoming the angriest Ive ever been in my life,all this while doing the painting.12 hours later I have realised I will have to paint over what I did yesterday,theres way too much anger on the walls I painted yesterday and you can tell just by looking at them.
Two old Facebook buddies contacted me yesterday because I haven't updated anything since this happened they wondered if I was ok so I told them.
There replys were quite "ho hum" and both said "arh just forget him and move on" yes they are right but I wanted to say "after 14 years erm no I cant move on right at this very moment"
I think I know what my problem is....he dosent understand my feelings in all of this,chances are he probably dosent want to know but in my heart I'm angry because he dosent know what his actions really mean to me.Yes hes been a user in our relationship,yeah its him who has the problem of not opening up to me or anyone else in fact.,yeah he paid !!!!!! all to the finances of my home but most of all I'm angry that he can just up and leave without explaining properly why he wants to turn his life around and live the single life.
Why cant I accept he just fell out of love with me?
I guess I feel frustrated that he wont ever know(or care) how this has left me,I wont be seeing him again and chances are he wouldn't read any letter I may or may not send him .
If I'm feeling like this tomorrow at work I know I wont last 2 mins in my job
This weekend has been the worst Ive had in years,healthwise and happiness wise I cant let that happen again.
Oh Edward I bought frog tape,much better than the Poundland stuff

EdwardB

my-user-name wrote: »

Well Edward,all I can say its been a horrendous weekend, heard from his mum that hes moving into the rented house this week,hes received the keys and is ready to move in.
I knew it was going to happen and I honestly thought it wouldn't affect me, boy how wrong I was.

I spent all yesterday either bawling my eyes out and when I say bawling I mean inconsolable bawling then swinging to the total opposite and becoming the angriest Ive ever been in my life, all this while doing the painting.12 hours later I have realised I will have to paint over what I did yesterday, there’s way too much anger on the walls I painted yesterday and you can tell just by looking at them.

Why are you speaking to his Mum, she is just a conduit for his !!!!, look she is his mum, butter wouldn’t melt and nor should it, she was his mum after all. No matter how accepting of you, she is in his camp and you are done with him. Cut off contact, she can only hurt you, even with the best of intentions on her part.

When my dad had a stroke and was effectively gone I became numb to his dying, but when I was faced with this actual death, I was the same bawling. This is just the bereavement, a reality or reminder of the loss, you will find certain songs can do that 5 years later. It is healthy and good to get it out but it will always be there to an extent, it is a period of your life, it has good times and it had less easy times.

my-user-name wrote: »

Two old Facebook buddies contacted me yesterday because I haven't updated anything since this happened they wondered if I was ok so I told them.

Their replies were quite "ho hum" and both said "arh just forget him and move on" yes they are right but I wanted to say "after 14 years erm no I can’t move on right at this very moment"

I think I know what my problem is....he doesn’t understand my feelings in all of this, chances are he probably dosent want to know but in my heart I'm angry because he doesn’t know what his actions really mean to me. Yes he’s been a user in our relationship, yeah its him who has the problem of not opening up to me or anyone else in fact. yeah he paid !!!!!! all to the finances of my home but most of all I'm angry that he can just up and leave without explaining properly why he wants to turn his life around and live the single life.

Well they are trying to say something to help but unless they have lived, breathed and shitted it they can't really say much that helps, still they are trying to be supportive.

Anger is also a part of the process as mentioned before, but you are giving him much more power than he deserves.

YOU DID NOTHING WRONG HE DID

The Americans like to describe some people as emotionally !!!!!!, I hate the phrase !!!!!! but in this context and for him, it applies.

He is NOT allowed to know how you feel or that he has hurt you so deeply, that privilege was removed when he left. Do not enable him or give him power

I realise you are just processing your loss but seeking explanation gives him power. Use the anger to be happier despite his dumb backside. Live your life for YOU,

If you bought a certain food because he liked it, celebrate that you no longer need to buy it. If you had to put up with his smelly socks, dirty underpants, bad breath, !!!!!! music, selfish whatever, you don't have to anymore.

I had a feeling from your previous post that the painting might be a bit ropey. One good thing that Poundland do is 4 sanding blocks for £1.

my-user-name wrote: »

Why can’t I accept he just fell out of love with me?
I guess I feel frustrated that he won’t ever know (or care) how this has left me, I won’t be seeing him again and chances are he wouldn't read any letter I may or may not send him .

If I'm feeling like this tomorrow at work I know I won’t last 2 mins in my job

This weekend has been the worst I’ve had in years, healthwise and happiness wise I can’t let that happen again.

Oh Edward I bought frog tape,much better than the Poundland stuff

Because Acceptance is the last stage of the loss stages, sorry no short cuts, no fast forward buttons and you can flip back into them too. As you are not there yet you are think this is a rejection of you rather than a flaw in his emotional make up.

He does not earn the right to know how he hurt you, it just gives him power if he changes his mind but also for your own dignity.

ABSOLUTELY NO LETTERS, you want to write one and not send it, fine, but I find music much more cathartic.

https://youtu.be/rYEDA3JcQqw

Frog Tape! Wow you are an uptown girl! I only use that when painting an accent wall.

I hope you managed to get into work OK.

jackieblack

Mojisola wrote: »

There's a lot of wisdom here - https://www.facebook.com/deejay.alex.uk/

:huh:
Am I missing something obvious?

Ozzuk

Don't let a relationship define you. You haven't wasted 14 years, you've lived your life. You had experiences, good times, bad times, you lived. You may have done things differently with someone else, had a different set of experiences but you'd still be living.

You are only really wasting time if it was stopping you doing things you wanted to do - if that is the case then use it as a kick up the backside and start planning what you want to do with your life. See it as an opportunity. If you drive your wants in life to give you your needs then having someone else to share that with is a bonus but not the deciding factor.

And if that doesn't help then consider this, it is his loss. Be awesome, rebuild you and over time you'll be happy again, and likely happier than ever before. It hurts right now, but slowly start to think of positive/exciting things you can do - it will take time, right now everything is dark and you'll have to push yourself, but each hour, each day, it will get easier.

Mojisola

jackieblack wrote: »

:huh:
Am I missing something obvious?

It should have linked directly to the video - Madea - Let People GO!

Primrose

Today at work will have been hard because after a week away in a slightly "unreal" environment, this will be the real thing again, and this is how it will be going forward.

I'd be tempted to tell your colleagues, if only to prevent yourself being ambushed by innocent questions at some future point like "Did you and X do anything for Valentine's Day? , at the week end? Etc. Just tell them politely but assertively "We've split but I really don't t want to talk about it at the moment". If they're sensitive they will respect your wishes and this will give you the breathing space to carry on as normal and perhaps tell them later when you feel more in in control.

I hope your meeting with his son went oK. Perhaps he's mystified as you are about his father!s behaviour. Your now EX is obviously a poor communicator. There is no need for you and his son to lose contact. Just acknowledge between the two of you that you need some time for get used to a different concept between you and stay friends. The lad may well be struggling to come to terms with his father,s cowardice himself and wondering what all this is likely to mean in how much he can trust his father to be honest about relationships in the future. It may well have undermined his trust in his father. If that,s the case, your Ex will have a double whammy to deal with, i.e. Facing the financial realities of renting his own place and a disfunctional relationship with his son. Time for him to start growing up!

You are well out of this one. May your sadness lessen day by day. Value yourself and if you have a bad couple of hours, remind yourself that he is probably starting to find the grass is considerably less green on his side than he imagined it would be!