14 years I feel Ive wasted,not sure how to cope

Pollycat

Lordy! Lordy!
That put tears in my eyes just reading it so I can imagine how it affected you.

What a lovely, kind, thoughtful gesture.

I'm glad you've got a friend who knows the situation, a trouble shared is a trouble halved and all that.:)

Have a great weekend.

my-user-name

PRIMROSE
slightly different sort of tears this time maybe, with a tinge of gratitude and relief in them having been touched by the kindness of others. What a lovely girl your new work colleague sounds and how mature.
I suspect you have found a new friend. That was a really lovely gesture and hopefully help you realise that the world is not always such a cruel place after all. I'm pleased for you.

POLLYCAT
Lordy! Lordy!
That put tears in my eyes just reading it so I can imagine how it affected you.
What a lovely, kind, thoughtful gesture.
I'm glad you've got a friend who knows the situation, a trouble shared is a trouble halved and all that.
Have a great weekend.

Yes different kind of tears this time around.
Even thinking about it now it still overwhelms me when I think of this beautiful offer to help me get through this coming week.
There are kind people in this world and this proved it to me,she is awesome and I bet she brings those children up in such a lovely way especially if she has such a caring nature.
To lighten the load half way through she said " bloody heck, how ugly do you look when you cry!!" lol, I laughed and agreed with her because shes spot on lol
A lovely start to the weekend for sure.

calicocat

I think I may have been going out with you ex's twin, up until around 3 was ago when I went berserk and ended it.

I have had a valentines card since and stupidly emailed in response (deleted contact numbers). Had replies, but not to my needs, so have ended that.

Even though I ended it, I don't feel great, have an unrealistic view that I am now suddenly isolated, I am sad, angry....lots of the things you have mentioned. I ended it as I wasn't being respected and didn't feel valued. He, like your ex, was happy for me to pay everything bar going out expenses. Never cooked anything, once told me when I pointed out he managed to when his son briefly lived with him to be told..."well he must bring the best out in me".................??!!

After a catalogue of events and idiotic selfish behaviour I had eventually had enough of it.

They haven't respected or valued us. That takes time to accept and hurts.

Decorating and changing things within your environment is good, and does help. I have been manically phoning people to get out and do things even though I don't really want to....but it helps for a while. I still have this really annoying general anxiety going on in the background all the time. This will go though, so for now I just have to ignore it as much as I can , which at times is difficult granted.

I think you are doing really well, these things take time. Have you got work colleagues or friends you could invite round for a meal and drinks ?, give you a bit of a different vibe in the flat, put some laughter back into it. Maybe not right now, but in a few weeks. Have a girl meal, make some cocktails, !!!!! about blokes if that helps. Hell even make a doll of him and burn it ( just kidding there....we'll kind of, it has put that idea in my head now.... :rotfl: )


Actually after a different breakup years ago, I had a decorating party. A few friends came over and helped paint, I cooked, we all drank...quite a lot. That can be really good fun and leave good memories. The paint job was horrendous, but it was funny, so I left it for a year to remind me.


If you are having difficulty relaxing as I am , I have found some relaxation hypnosis apps have helped at times . Shove some candles on, aromatherapy oils burning. Or stick a favourite cd on and dance until you are done in if that would be your thing.


It is very annoying there is no immediate fix, but you have managed so well , so give yourself a big slap on the shoulder....or him in the virtual face.

The late night phone calls are ALWAYS about their needs, never doubt that. It wasn't about you, he needed something....let him jog on on that one.

He has no emotional intellect , neither did mine. He has been fanancially immature , snap. No-one needs that.

Get your hair done, nails, buy a new outfit, a new handbag, go to the beach if you can, do some gardening if you have one. Keep trucking on forward. Virtual hug.


Just wanted to say what a nice supportive thread this has been, very wise advice by some clearly lovely people.

my-user-name

calicocat wrote: »

I think I may have been going out with you ex's twin, up until around 3 was ago when I went berserk and ended it.

I have had a valentines card since and stupidly emailed in response (deleted contact numbers). Had replies, but not to my needs, so have ended that.

Even though I ended it, I don't feel great, have an unrealistic view that I am now suddenly isolated, I am sad, angry....lots of the things you have mentioned. I ended it as I wasn't being respected and didn't feel valued. He, like your ex, was happy for me to pay everything bar going out expenses. Never cooked anything, once told me when I pointed out he managed to when his son briefly lived with him to be told..."well he must bring the best out in me".................??!!

After a catalogue of events and idiotic selfish behaviour I had eventually had enough of it.

They haven't respected or valued us. That takes time to accept and hurts.

Decorating and changing things within your environment is good, and does help. I have been manically phoning people to get out and do things even though I don't really want to....but it helps for a while. I still have this really annoying general anxiety going on in the background all the time. This will go though, so for now I just have to ignore it as much as I can , which at times is difficult granted.

I think you are doing really well, these things take time. Have you got work colleagues or friends you could invite round for a meal and drinks ?, give you a bit of a different vibe in the flat, put some laughter back into it. Maybe not right now, but in a few weeks. Have a girl meal, make some cocktails, !!!!! about blokes if that helps. Hell even make a doll of him and burn it ( just kidding there....we'll kind of, it has put that idea in my head now.... :rotfl: )


Actually after a different breakup years ago, I had a decorating party. A few friends came over and helped paint, I cooked, we all drank...quite a lot. That can be really good fun and leave good memories. The paint job was horrendous, but it was funny, so I left it for a year to remind me.


If you are having difficulty relaxing as I am , I have found some relaxation hypnosis apps have helped at times . Shove some candles on, aromatherapy oils burning. Or stick a favourite cd on and dance until you are done in if that would be your thing.


It is very annoying there is no immediate fix, but you have managed so well , so give yourself a big slap on the shoulder....or him in the virtual face.

The late night phone calls are ALWAYS about their needs, never doubt that. It wasn't about you, he needed something....let him jog on on that one.

He has no emotional intellect , neither did mine. He has been fanancially immature , snap. No-one needs that.

Get your hair done, nails, buy a new outfit, a new handbag, go to the beach if you can, do some gardening if you have one. Keep trucking on forward. Virtual hug.


Just wanted to say what a nice supportive thread this has been, very wise advice by some clearly lovely people.

Oh calicocat ,isn't it weird they are so similar??
I proud of you for saying enough,s enough and ending it,as for myself I was oblivious to his feelings for me,its only now I'm looking back and thinking"did I really put up with that crap for 14 years??".Chances are if he wouldn't of told me he no longer loved me I would still be doing it right now oblivious on how stupid and crazy the relationship actually was.

And he still sent you a Valentines card?? crikey in the middle of the 2 weeks of us not talking it was my birthday and I received,cards,flowers,phone calls and dozens of messages on Facebook.............but not one of them was from him,that hurt,that hurt alot:(

What is this "no cooking" rule???how easy is it to make beans on toast,jam on toast,a couple of boiled eggs and simple things like that??? and I allowed it??
I think one of the things which hurts a lot is realising what hes actually left behind now he has gone.He went through my home like a fine tooth comb and only took what was his, fair enough.But he left at my home every single memory of us together,concert programmes,holiday pictures,things we bought together on holidays etc,its like he moved out and erased every single memory that we shared together.He didn't take one memento,he left everyone of them in my home.Now I realise that in his new home there isn't one single trace of me,absolutly nothing.
When my "crazy head" pops up every now and then I feel I want to dump them in a carrier bag and take them to where he lives now and tell him "these are part of your memories too so YOU dump them"I never would do that but at times I want to.
I strongly feel with his actions since he left that he was desperate to erase me from his life and memories....but why???I would never hurt him for the world,I never ever looked at another man,everyone knew how much I loved him,I respected him(crazy I know)....isn't that what men want in a relationship??
Ok he said he didn't love me but why erase every single memory of our time together,at times I feel he actually hated me especially with his actions since he left.
I do want my friends to come around because I need laughter back within these four walls but I feel I have to change my living room first,it feels important to me to do this for some strange reason.Ive already done the hallway,last weekend I had a major head wobble where I was sobbing one minute then the next I wanted to baseball bat him,all this while I was painting the walls of th ehallway.I had to repaint one of the walls the next day because my anger was all over it and it was clear to see,it looks fine now lol
Tomorrow I'm off car booting to look for bargains,I went often with my sister and there was always those men sellers who flirted with us just so we,d buy something from their stall,this time I'm gonna flirt back to get even better bargains,I,ll do that...because I can lol(I hope my ex hasn't created a monster) lol
My body clock is all over the place,its gone totally back to front and healthwise it isn't good.I go to bed by 11pm,up at midnight then crash out on the settee around 4am fretting that I will oversleep for work,I know I can only do this for so long before it really starts to effect me.
In time we will both move on calicocat and we will make sure were never foolish again.
I think my only problem right now is strongly feeling by the time he left he actually hated me,all the memories we had together that he left behind kind of proves this to me and I just don't know why if this is the case.Im stuck with all these momentos and memories while hes carring on with life on a complete new slate.Men I,ll never understand them:(

elona

To him it is a new slate- he has erased you as you no longer are there for him, even if it is his decision.

It makes him sound like a sociopath but it is the bottom line. You only exist as part of his world view, not as a loving decent person he spent a lot of his life with - or even as a friend.

my-user-name

elona wrote: »

To him it is a new slate- he has erased you as you no longer are there for him, even if it is his decision.

It makes him sound like a sociopath but it is the bottom line. You only exist as part of his world view, not as a loving decent person he spent a lot of his life with - or even as a friend.

Whats a sociopath elenor??
Hes really confused me on this one thing

my-user-name

Just googled it elenor,hmmmmm that's given me food for thought.
I was getting it mixed up with Psychopath,thats something totally different lol

elona

I think I could google an explanation but basically it is not seeing people as individuals or relating to them and only seeing them as existing as far as they related to you.

http://www.wikihow.com/Spot-a-Sociopath

my-user-name

Does it mean I was used as a purpose, to a means to a end??if it means hes a user then yes spot on.
I can certainly spot him in these words,definatly I can....

Sociopaths are incapable of experiencing guilt or shame for their actions. It is common for sociopaths to lack remorse when they have done something that hurts others. They may appear indifferent or rationalize their actions. They will feign remorse or pity though if they need to appear to be socially normal. For example if someone tells a sociopath about a family member's death, they would feign sympathy. Sometimes they might use the other person's sorrow as a vulnerability to take advantage of. Sociopaths often seek out others who are weak or at weak moments to exploit their emotional vulnerability, and to make the person feel more attached or dependent on them.[9]
Sociopaths are manipulative. They may try to influence and dominate the people around them and tend to seek positions of leadership or high social standing.[10]
Sociopaths lack empathy and may be incapable of love. While some sociopaths will have an individual or a small group of people that they seem to care about, they have a hard time feeling emotions and it is likely that they have not had healthy romantic relationships in the past.[11][12]
Sociopaths have a hard time dealing with criticism. They often desire approval from others and may even feel like they are entitled to it.

calicocat

my-user-name wrote: »

Oh calicocat ,isn't it weird they are so similar??
I proud of you for saying enough,s enough and ending it,as for myself I was oblivious to his feelings for me,its only now I'm looking back and thinking"did I really put up with that crap for 14 years??".Chances are if he wouldn't of told me he no longer loved me I would still be doing it right now oblivious on how stupid and crazy the relationship actually was.

And he still sent you a Valentines card?? crikey in the middle of the 2 weeks of us not talking it was my birthday and I received,cards,flowers,phone calls and dozens of messages on Facebook.............but not one of them was from him,that hurt,that hurt alot:(

What is this "no cooking" rule???how easy is it to make beans on toast,jam on toast,a couple of boiled eggs and simple things like that??? and I allowed it??
I think one of the things which hurts a lot is realising what hes actually left behind now he has gone.He went through my home like a fine tooth comb and only took what was his, fair enough.But he left at my home every single memory of us together,concert programmes,holiday pictures,things we bought together on holidays etc,its like he moved out and erased every single memory that we shared together.He didn't take one memento,he left everyone of them in my home.Now I realise that in his new home there isn't one single trace of me,absolutly nothing.
When my "crazy head" pops up every now and then I feel I want to dump them in a carrier bag and take them to where he lives now and tell him "these are part of your memories too so YOU dump them"I never would do that but at times I want to.
I strongly feel with his actions since he left that he was desperate to erase me from his life and memories....but why???I would never hurt him for the world,I never ever looked at another man,everyone knew how much I loved him,I respected him(crazy I know)....isn't that what men want in a relationship??
Ok he said he didn't love me but why erase every single memory of our time together,at times I feel he actually hated me especially with his actions since he left.
I do want my friends to come around because I need laughter back within these four walls but I feel I have to change my living room first,it feels important to me to do this for some strange reason.Ive already done the hallway,last weekend I had a major head wobble where I was sobbing one minute then the next I wanted to baseball bat him,all this while I was painting the walls of th ehallway.I had to repaint one of the walls the next day because my anger was all over it and it was clear to see,it looks fine now lol
Tomorrow I'm off car booting to look for bargains,I went often with my sister and there was always those men sellers who flirted with us just so we,d buy something from their stall,this time I'm gonna flirt back to get even better bargains,I,ll do that...because I can lol(I hope my ex hasn't created a monster) lol
My body clock is all over the place,its gone totally back to front and healthwise it isn't good.I go to bed by 11pm,up at midnight then crash out on the settee around 4am fretting that I will oversleep for work,I know I can only do this for so long before it really starts to effect me.
In time we will both move on calicocat and we will make sure were never foolish again.
I think my only problem right now is strongly feeling by the time he left he actually hated me,all the memories we had together that he left behind kind of proves this to me and I just don't know why if this is the case.Im stuck with all these momentos and memories while hes carring on with life on a complete new slate.Men I,ll never understand them:(

He sent a card as he didn't want it to finish really, however didn't have the time or emotional maturity to answer a couple of questions for me to even consider talking about things. His call, but I am angry that someone hasn't got the balls to do it, or cared enough to. He had it good, we didn't live together, but was here most of the time. Meals cooked, no bills, no housework, nice house and garden, didn't have to buy anything other than drinks or meals out...why wouldn't he want that to carry on if he could have it with minimal input on his part.

Why cook when you have some biatch to do it for you..???. To be fair I love cooking, but when he was meant to cook me boiled eggs for my birthda....he snuck out early thinking I was asleep.

He has several hobbies, my work makes this hard. I said I needed to get a hobby or two and wider my social circle to have more stuff to do when not at work and he was busy. His answer was that he wasn't very happy about that and that I shouldn't need hobbies.......... :rotfl: No......because all I need is to wait for him to turn up............Not.

I have been bonkers for around 2yrs putting up with that thinking now.


You go flirt your arris off girl, will boost the ego. You were fine before him, you will be fine after in a while. Thank god you haven't had to move and have that stress too, you have your own place and no-one can take that away, me too, so that's a one thing less to think about.

If you are getting to sleep the apps may help you relax more and stay asleep.

Changing the room more is good, then get the friends round for a meal. It may remind you he's not there at first, but you will enjoy it also, and it's the beginning of changing how you feel in the house.

No reason to think he hates you, he doesn't sound like he has the emotional expertise to have that feeling.

Enjoy the boot sale tomorrow. Get some bargains for the house. :T.