14 years I feel Ive wasted,not sure how to cope

my-user-name

EdwardB wrote: »

Why are you speaking to his Mum, she is just a conduit for his !!!!, look she is his mum, butter wouldn’t melt and nor should it, she was his mum after all. No matter how accepting of you, she is in his camp and you are done with him. Cut off contact, she can only hurt you, even with the best of intentions on her part.

When my dad had a stroke and was effectively gone I became numb to his dying, but when I was faced with this actual death, I was the same bawling. This is just the bereavement, a reality or reminder of the loss, you will find certain songs can do that 5 years later. It is healthy and good to get it out but it will always be there to an extent, it is a period of your life, it has good times and it had less easy times.



Well they are trying to say something to help but unless they have lived, breathed and shitted it they can't really say much that helps, still they are trying to be supportive.

Anger is also a part of the process as mentioned before, but you are giving him much more power than he deserves.

YOU DID NOTHING WRONG HE DID

The Americans like to describe some people as emotionally !!!!!!, I hate the phrase !!!!!! but in this context and for him, it applies.

He is NOT allowed to know how you feel or that he has hurt you so deeply, that privilege was removed when he left. Do not enable him or give him power

I realise you are just processing your loss but seeking explanation gives him power. Use the anger to be happier despite his dumb backside. Live your life for YOU,

If you bought a certain food because he liked it, celebrate that you no longer need to buy it. If you had to put up with his smelly socks, dirty underpants, bad breath, !!!!!! music, selfish whatever, you don't have to anymore.

I had a feeling from your previous post that the painting might be a bit ropey. One good thing that Poundland do is 4 sanding blocks for £1.




Because Acceptance is the last stage of the loss stages, sorry no short cuts, no fast forward buttons and you can flip back into them too. As you are not there yet you are think this is a rejection of you rather than a flaw in his emotional make up.

He does not earn the right to know how he hurt you, it just gives him power if he changes his mind but also for your own dignity.

ABSOLUTELY NO LETTERS, you want to write one and not send it, fine, but I find music much more cathartic.

https://youtu.be/rYEDA3JcQqw

Frog Tape! Wow you are an uptown girl! I only use that when painting an accent wall.

I hope you managed to get into work OK.

His mum rang me at the weekend Edward,took me by complete surprise.She made me promise we would always keep in touch and I told her it will take a little while but I will(but don't think I will,it wouldn't help me knowing what how he is getting on with his life)
I think it was that phone call which made my head wobble so much this weekend.And yes it was clear that she is in his camp,that I can understand anyway.
Your right about this being like a bereavement,in bereavement I always feel you don't ever get over the loss,you just get used to that feeling realising there no longer with you in your life.Chrikey I still get upset thinking of the time I lost my mum and dad and that was many years ago and don't even mention my beloved dog who I lost over 20 years ago,one look at his photo and I'm sobbing like it was yesterday:
When I flip the coin I do realise that he hasn't a clue I'm feeling the way I do especially as I said a simple "no\" to his text message when he wanted to ring me,that alone in a weird way makes me feel strong.
As for the food......peanut bloody butter I heaved everytime I put it on toast for him,I even heave when I see the jars in the supermarkets lol You know in the 14 years we were together he never made me one meal and when I say not one meal I really do mean not one meal.No beans on toast,no egg and bacon butty,no tins of soup,nothing,he always said "he couldn't cook" | need a dam good slapping for allowing that for a full 14 years.So how the hell is he going to cook his own meals now??? lol
Ive been a complete idiot haven't I?? being a woman who friends and family say "oh shes a strong woman" if only they knew!
Yep painting does look a bit ropey in parts lol but it felt good at the time lol I'm determined to get it done by Friday because I'm taking myself off somewhere at the weekend,havent got a clue where but I,ll fill the tank up and just keep driving,it will do me good and I will class it as my own little adventure,just wish it could be for a month at least lol

my-user-name

Primrose wrote: »

Today at work will have been hard because after a week away in a slightly "unreal" environment, this will be the real thing again, and this is how it will be going forward.

I'd be tempted to tell your colleagues, if only to prevent yourself being ambushed by innocent questions at some future point like "Did you and X do anything for Valentine's Day? , at the week end? Etc. Just tell them politely but assertively "We've split but I really don't t want to talk about it at the moment". If they're sensitive they will respect your wishes and this will give you the breathing space to carry on as normal and perhaps tell them later when you feel more in in control.

I hope your meeting with his son went oK. Perhaps he's mystified as you are about his father!s behaviour. Your now EX is obviously a poor communicator. There is no need for you and his son to lose contact. Just acknowledge between the two of you that you need some time for get used to a different concept between you and stay friends. The lad may well be struggling to come to terms with his father,s cowardice himself and wondering what all this is likely to mean in how much he can trust his father to be honest about relationships in the future. It may well have undermined his trust in his father. If that,s the case, your Ex will have a double whammy to deal with, i.e. Facing the financial realities of renting his own place and a disfunctional relationship with his son. Time for him to start growing up!

You are well out of this one. May your sadness lessen day by day. Value yourself and if you have a bad couple of hours, remind yourself that he is probably starting to find the grass is considerably less green on his side than he imagined it would be!

Hi Primrose, Well I made it into work this morning,however I stayed awake and up all night partly because I was fretting how today would go or partly because I knew I couldn't oversleep.
I felt sick to the stomach walking to work but within minutes of being in the morning team briefing it became clear no one knew about me and him splitting up which means a massive thumbs up to my boss for actually keeping it to herself .A few of the girls asked if I was feeling better and one of them actually said "I hope your fella took care of you while you was ill",felt like a knife going through me
In my job we usually work in pairs but today I was put on a floor where I was working on my own and that was such a huge relief for me.So I put that strong front on and flipped from feeling devasted right to my usual happy and condifant self .
Yep its not sorting the problem out of telling the girls but for now I'm coping at work,at the end of this month I,ll be back to working in pairs,hopefully I,ll be a lot stronger by then and will be able to tell them what has actually happened.
When is lad came to see me it was nice,very nice indeed.I kept my feelings to myself and to be truthful we didn't actually speak much about his dad?he just asked me if I was ok and I said I was then it was just like our usual chats,yes when he went I became very upset but I'm proud of acting as if I was more than fine.God I love that lad!!

my-user-name

Ozzuk wrote: »

Don't let a relationship define you. You haven't wasted 14 years, you've lived your life. You had experiences, good times, bad times, you lived. You may have done things differently with someone else, had a different set of experiences but you'd still be living.

You are only really wasting time if it was stopping you doing things you wanted to do - if that is the case then use it as a kick up the backside and start planning what you want to do with your life. See it as an opportunity. If you drive your wants in life to give you your needs then having someone else to share that with is a bonus but not the deciding factor.

And if that doesn't help then consider this, it is his loss. Be awesome, rebuild you and over time you'll be happy again, and likely happier than ever before. It hurts right now, but slowly start to think of positive/exciting things you can do - it will take time, right now everything is dark and you'll have to push yourself, but each hour, each day, it will get easier.

My Lord Ive just realised its Valentines Day tomorrow,I forgot!
Not that its going to make any difference anyway lol
Everything you say is right and it is indeed early days for me,Im going away for the weekend and if I'm in a different place and not looking at these 4 walls then maybe I can have a good think on the things which make me happy and the things I can now achieve now I'm on my own,in a way my world can become my oyster!
But is it his loss Ozzuk??he left me because he wanted to do his own thing so that alone must make him happy?yes it will be a ballache sorting a new home out for himself but eventually he will have it all sorted,he would be happy then maybe because that is what he wants,just hope him and his golf clubs will be very happy together:(

annandale

You choose who you wish to speak to going forward

It's not for people on here to say don't talk to family members

spirit

my-user-name wrote: »

My Lord Ive just realised its Valentines Day tomorrow,I forgot!
Not that its going to make any difference anyway lol
Everything you say is right and it is indeed early days for me,Im going away for the weekend and if I'm in a different place and not looking at these 4 walls then maybe I can have a good think on the things which make me happy and the things I can now achieve now I'm on my own,in a way my world can become my oyster!
But is it his loss Ozzuk??he left me because he wanted to do his own thing so that alone must make him happy?yes it will be a ballache sorting a new home out for himself but eventually he will have it all sorted,he would be happy then maybe because that is what he wants,just hope him and his golf clubs will be very happy together:(

I wouldn't even be giving a nanosecond's thought to what he wants, how difficult it might be etc etc.


Putting a positive spin on it, he's set you free to be your own fabulous self and do what you want now.

DigForVictory

So pleased at all you are achieving! Very glad no-longer-step-son is still near, even if the poor young coot may need to wobble a bit yet. That's entirely fine & reasonable - grief is a bit like rugby - a foul tackle but you get up & play on, what you could have sworn was a minor thing & you're decked all over again.

Take it steady, be as honest as you can stand as soon as you can & all the best with managing the assumptions at work. Today's saint will not help, but remembering your mum will. Bet she'd be so proud of you - we are!

my-user-name

I know my mum would be proud of me FforV, whatever I did in life no matter how big or small she would always be very proud of me and shout any achievements I did from the roof tops, very embarrassing at times lol
Edward mentioned last night about me not writing him a letter,I actually was going to do that just to tell him what his actions have caused and how its effected me.....but now I think so differently.Why should I allow him to know how things are effecting me?? why should he know what I'm feeling, how hurt I am, how devastated the past few weeks have made me feel.??
HELL NO!!
Right now he only thinks he knows how I will be....why should I confirm that??I reckon in the next few weeks he will probably think it hasn't effected me in any way at all and chances are I didn't love him anyway.Thats definatly not the case but he has no right to sit there in his new house thinking hes ruined my life.
Because I haven't been in touch with him or written a letter confirming how heartbroken I am then in a sick perverted way its actually making me feel stronger,does that make sense???
So pleased Edward mentioned not sending a letter to him,Im really glad I listened.

my-user-name

spirit wrote: »

I wouldn't even be giving a nanosecond's thought to what he wants, how difficult it might be etc etc.


Putting a positive spin on it, he's set you free to be your own fabulous self and do what you want now.

Thinking about it the world really is my oyster isn't it!
Why am I feeling so positive today????,it feels weird ??

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Writing him a letter to say how much he's hurt you would only serve to bolster his self esteem.

It's not as if he needs that, is it?


He's been lazy, uncaring (seriously, unless he starves to death in the next month, there's proof right there he was uncaring in not ever making you a meal) and a pathetic coward, skulking away in corners and out of the door after making you endure days waiting for him to actually leave.


Why would anybody want to make him feel good about his attractiveness to women (which is most likely how he would interpret it)?

Let him think you've completely forgotten all about him already and it's actually a relief to not have to pander to his whims or fake helplessness anymore. It's no more than he deserves - your positivity could well be your gradually realising that you're actually free from the dead weight.

my-user-name

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Writing him a letter to say how much he's hurt you would only serve to bolster his self esteem.

It's not as if he needs that, is it?


He's been lazy, uncaring (seriously, unless he starves to death in the next month, there's proof right there he was uncaring in not ever making you a meal) and a pathetic coward, skulking away in corners and out of the door after making you endure days waiting for him to actually leave.


Why would anybody want to make him feel good about his attractiveness to women (which is most likely how he would interpret it)?

Let him think you've completely forgotten all about him already and it's actually a relief to not have to pander to his whims or fake helplessness anymore. It's no more than he deserves - your positivity could well be your gradually realising that you're actually free from the dead weight.

Jo Jo The Tightfisted (fantastic name which made me smile from ear to ear lol):rotfl:
Your so right JoJo,he would probably get a kick out of me writing to him,a few days ago I was actually thinking to do that,thank the Lord I hung on otherwise I,d be kicking myself right now.
People just refuse to believe that he never,in 14 years cooked me a meal....thinking about it I didn't even get a sandwich off him and yet I allowed it???
Looking back I suppose I was a glorified landlady with occasional sex thrown in,how bad is that considering I allowed it??Bed ,breakfast,home comforts and sex thrown in for good measure,all for th eprice of paying my monthly Sky subscription,he got a bloody good deal!
I really think he expected(and I guess still does)for me to contact him either asking to talk or begging him to take me back so I can learn to love him even more so I,ll be able to make him happy,I couldn't of loved him anymore than I did so that would of been a impossible task for me.Considering how I felt at the weekend I'm so pleased and relieved I took my upset and anger out on the painting of the hallway and not on the other end of a phone to him.
Other people who know him will think hes a great guy,someone very clever,someone who can converse with all walks of life and yes some of those people will be thinking "shes lost a good un there" but they don't know the truth and they don't know what life was like within these four walls.If I would of told them how it really was chances are they wouldn't believe me anyway.
I really thank Edward for pointing out not to write him a letter to explain my anger and hurt,I almost did!.I just feel so positive right now sitting here and knowing he hasn't a clue how I'm feeling and he wont have a clue if I'm constantly in floods of tears or actually painting the town red now my new life of singledom has arrived for me.
Its a bloody good feeling! Could I actually be getting over him so soon???I haven't even shed a tear since the weekend!:T