14 years I feel Ive wasted,not sure how to cope

elona

He is a "hollow man" - a child acting like a man and not paying his way or realising what it is to be an adult or putting someone else's needs above - or even equal to his own.

You know he is going to get in such a mess financially and otherwise trying to show he is a "playboy" and then will expect you or his poor mum to rescue him.

Please distance yourself for everyone's sake. All this time you have been making him look like an adult and he has been sponging off you and probably denigrating you behind your back.

my-user-name

elona wrote: »

He is a "hollow man" - a child acting like a man and not paying his way or realising what it is to be an adult or putting someone else's needs above - or even equal to his own.

You know he is going to get in such a mess financially and otherwise trying to show he is a "playboy" and then will expect you or his poor mum to rescue him.

Please distance yourself for everyone's sake. All this time you have been making him look like an adult and he has been sponging off you and probably denigrating you behind your back.

That's the problem elona,he wont get into a mess financially,I read his bank statements and his savings account once I knew he was leaving me but what will happen is this new life of his will severely put a big hole in his finances,just knowing that makes me feel ok about this situation.
When I finally did try to talk about us a few days before he left I did mention the fact hes never made me a meal in the 14 years and three times he said "you know dam well I cant cook" on the fourth time he actually said "well ok I don't want to cook".However he did tell everyone he can bake cakes!!,he actually said this many times because he took a catering course at a college......when he was 18 years old way back in the 70,s !
So yes,hes going to experience a different way of life but at the end of the day it was his choice and he must feel that he will be happy with this new life.
The tightness with money....apparently his father was like that..one of his sons is the same so maybe it runs in the family,who knows?
Since he got married when he was either 18 or 19 not sure he,s always had someone to look after him,yes to cook his meals etc.When he split with his wife he went back to mothers and again had someone to cook and clean for him(and what a amazing cook she was!) then he met me,left his home and mother and come to mine and then it was my turn to do the same,so I'm not the only idiot! This new life might just make him grow up and if that's the case in years to come he may actually thank me for allowing him to finaly "grow up"
Either that or he,ll get a younger model to take over the reigns.

elona

I think we all know he will find someone to "look after him" one way or another and the words "Thank you" are not in his vocabulary no matter what anyone has done for him.

Enjoy your brand new unencumbered life, you deserve it.

Pollycat

my-user-name wrote: »

But is it his loss Ozzuk??he left me because he wanted to do his own thing so that alone must make him happy?yes it will be a ballache sorting a new home out for himself but eventually he will have it all sorted,he would be happy then maybe because that is what he wants,just hope him and his golf clubs will be very happy together:(

He might think it will make him happy but perhaps it won't.
Being able to do what he wants when he wants might not end up being such a great life, especially as he appears to have very little home skills.

elona wrote: »

I think we all know he will find someone to "look after him" one way or another and the words "Thank you" are not in his vocabulary no matter what anyone has done for him.

Enjoy your brand new unencumbered life, you deserve it.

I'm not sure he will find someone to look after him.

He may not be the good catch the OP thought he was and someone with fresh eyes may be able to see right through him.

I do echo your last comment though, elona.
OP - you're doing great.

my-user-name

elona wrote: »

I think we all know he will find someone to "look after him" one way or another and the words "Thank you" are not in his vocabulary no matter what anyone has done for him.

Enjoy your brand new unencumbered life, you deserve it.

Looking at his life and how he,s always had a woman in it then I think you may be right elenor.
While I was in work today and working on my own I googled on my phone "How to get out of a mid life crisis",it was mainly for me but this came up regarding men....this is what it said.

Many men go through a phase when they take a hard look at the life they're living. They think they could be happier, and if they need to make a big change, they feel the urge to do it soon.
These thoughts can trigger a midlife crisis. By realizing you're in this phase, then making wise choices, you can steer yourself out of a midlife crisis and into a happier life.
How to Spot a Midlife Crisis
A true midlife crisis usually involves changing your entire life in a hurry, says Calvin Colarusso, MD, a clinical professor of psychiatry at the University of California San Diego. An example is a man he counseled who wrote a note to his wife, withdrew his money from the bank, and moved to another city without warning.
This type of midlife crisis is rare, Colarusso says. More often, men go through a midlife process in which they make smaller changes over time.
"You might tell your wife, 'I’ve got to get out of this job,' and you do. Or you say to your wife, 'I’m done. The marriage isn’t working for me.' You don’t change everything and you don’t do it frantically," he says. "And for many people, after this agonizing reappraisal, they decide to stay with what they’ve got."
Signs that you're going through this midlife phase, or that you may soon, include:
You've hit your 40th birthday. Colarusso, who has a special interest in issues that affect adults as they age, most often sees men struggling with these midlife questions in their 40s and early 50s.
You're uneasy about major elements in your life. Colarusso says this may include not being satisfied with your career, your marriage, or your health, and feeling the urge to take action to make them better.
You feel that your time for taking a new direction is running short. Many men feel a pressing need to make changes, Colarusso says, when:
They notice that their appearance is changing or their stamina isn't as high as it used to be.
They become a grandfather.
A friend or parent dies.

A few of them I can connect with him
They notice there appearance is changing.....he did notice his hair was thinning and he did take that seriously.
There stamina isn't as high as it used to be.....the last time we made love he said his heart was beating a hell of a lot faster(I was quite proud of that in a funny perverted way lol) but he wasn't,then we stopped making love and he said it was because of his heart going faster than it should be.
They become a grandfather....Hes becoming a granddad for the first time around the April time.
A friend or parent dies....Our good friend was diagnosed with cancer last summer,a perfectly healthy handsome man indeed.He died within 6 weeks after he found out he had cancer.It shocked us both greatly.

Now don't get me wrong,hes burnt his bridges and theres absolutely no going back whatever the reason but it kind of made me wonder if he is going through one of these crisis things.It dosent alter the fact on how Ive allowed him to behave for so many years but it does make me wonder if this new life he so desperately wants will actually make him happy at the end of the day??

Suppose its no longer my business anymore and I'm ok about that.

my-user-name

Pollycat wrote: »

He might think it will make him happy but perhaps it won't.
Being able to do what he wants when he wants might not end up being such a great life, especially as he appears to have very little home skills.

I'm not sure he will find someone to look after him.

He may not be the good catch the OP thought he was and someone with fresh eyes may be able to see right through him.

I do echo your last comment though, elona.
OP - you're doing great.

I,m starting to feel ok I think Pollycat,I haven't cried since Sunday, yay!!!:T
The more I read posters comments the more I realise how stupid Ive been in the past and I know in time I will get there,a bit battered and bruised but I,ll get there.....and no man will ever be allowed to do the same as him.That is fact!:) (double yay!!!!)

spirit

my-user-name wrote: »

Suppose its no longer my business anymore and I'm ok about that.

Forget the why's and wherefores' MUN, the above is the only thing you need to remember.


Onwards and upwards

Primrose

my-user-name wrote: »

I,m starting to feel ok I think Pollycat,I haven't cried since Sunday, yay!!!:T
The more I read posters comments the more I realise how stupid Ive been in the past and I know in time I will get there,a bit battered and bruised but I,ll get there.....and no man will ever be allowed to do the same as him.That is fact!:) (double yay!!!!)

No, you haven't been stupid. You conducted your relationship in the best way you knew at the time, i.e. spoiling him in terms of not expecting him to participate fully in your relationship by not pulling his financial weight, or helping domestically. You have learnt a lesson that this doesn't not always encourage the other partner in a relationship to grow up and take responsibility, so that is down to life's experiences - something we all have to learn. They say the best remembered lessons are the ones which were the hardest to learn so you have put yourself in a better position for the future.


Keep going a day at a time. Every day hopefully a little more emotional sunshine will peep out from behind the dark clouds. And I would bet my bottom dollar that he will not find the grass anywhere near as green on the other side of the fence as he imagined it would be, but that will be a learning lesson for him too.

my-user-name

Primrose wrote: »

No, you haven't been stupid. You conducted your relationship in the best way you knew at the time, i.e. spoiling him in terms of not expecting him to participate fully in your relationship by not pulling his financial weight, or helping domestically. You have learnt a lesson that this doesn't not always encourage the other partner in a relationship to grow up and take responsibility, so that is down to life's experiences - something we all have to learn. They say the best remembered lessons are the ones which were the hardest to learn so you have put yourself in a better position for the future.


Keep going a day at a time. Every day hopefully a little more emotional sunshine will peep out from behind the dark clouds. And I would bet my bottom dollar that he will not find the grass anywhere near as green on the other side of the fence as he imagined it would be, but that will be a learning lesson for him too.

Maybe not stupid Primrose.....more foolish I think.:( but I will learn from this most defiantly and I would never be so foolish in the future.
Today I told one workmate that I had separated from him,kind of wished I hadn't
A new young girl started at our workplace about 7 or 8 weeks ago(were a team of around 15),now everyone knows the first day at any new job is scary,I know I certainly was! so I always like to welcome them and be friendly to them and help them in any way that I can, I ,wish more people would do the same.Over the time shes been with us her confidance has really grown and in fact shes a asset to our team!.
She rang me up at my work station this morning and said she wanted to see me.When she eventually arrived she handed me a envelope,then she gave me a hug and started to walk away so I called her back.
She was there while I opened the envelope and inside was £50 and a letter.In the letter she wrote she hoped I wouldn't be offended but she realises that this weeks wage will be a very low one for me because I was off all last week on the sick.(I only had one days annual leave so that meant 4 days of no wages,I get paid weekly),she wanted to give me this £50 as a gift because of the kindness I shown her when she came to work with us,she also said she knew something is going on in my life because "I had lost my sparkle":( (that's the second time Ive heard that at work)
That's when the tears started.
This £50 came from a young girl who is a one parent and who has two small children to look after so you can imagine how overwhelmed I became.I thanked her so much for her kindness but I couldn't accept her gift and that financial wise I'm ok.
I then told her about me splitting up with him and boy did the tears flow,I didn't think I would stop We sat and talked about what had happened and for such a young girl she has a strong head on her shoulders.She said shes been in bad financial situations before and she has never forgotten what it felt like and she thought Id be worrying about money because my wage is so low this week and she was also worried that I was unhappy.
I will never forget the kindness she shown me this morning and once I stopped crying I felt very blessed indeed.
So what I'm saying is......I confided in my work collegue(and now definatly my true friend) but I'm nowhere ready to make it public in work.I know she wont say anything to anyone about me splitting up with him but its kind of nice to know I have someone who I can turn to if I have one of those bad days.
And heres me thinking my tears are well and truly over ??

Primrose

slightly different sort of tears this time maybe, with a tinge of gratitude and relief in them having been touched by the kindness of others. What a lovely girl your new work colleague sounds and how mature.
I suspect you have found a new friend. That was a really lovely gesture and hopefully help you realise that the world is not always such a cruel place after all. I'm pleased for you.