14 years I feel Ive wasted,not sure how to cope

my-user-name

calicocat wrote: »

He sent a card as he didn't want it to finish really, however didn't have the time or emotional maturity to answer a couple of questions for me to even consider talking about things. His call, but I am angry that someone hasn't got the balls to do it, or cared enough to. He had it good, we didn't live together, but was here most of the time. Meals cooked, no bills, no housework, nice house and garden, didn't have to buy anything other than drinks or meals out...why wouldn't he want that to carry on if he could have it with minimal input on his part.

Why cook when you have some biatch to do it for you..???. To be fair I love cooking, but when he was meant to cook me boiled eggs for my birthda....he snuck out early thinking I was asleep.

He has several hobbies, my work makes this hard. I said I needed to get a hobby or two and wider my social circle to have more stuff to do when not at work and he was busy. His answer was that he wasn't very happy about that and that I shouldn't need hobbies.......... :rotfl: No......because all I need is to wait for him to turn up............Not.

I have been bonkers for around 2yrs putting up with that thinking now.


You go flirt your arris off girl, will boost the ego. You were fine before him, you will be fine after in a while. Thank god you haven't had to move and have that stress too, you have your own place and no-one can take that away, me too, so that's a one thing less to think about.

If you are getting to sleep the apps may help you relax more and stay asleep.

Changing the room more is good, then get the friends round for a meal. It may remind you he's not there at first, but you will enjoy it also, and it's the beginning of changing how you feel in the house.

No reason to think he hates you, he doesn't sound like he has the emotional expertise to have that feeling.

Enjoy the boot sale tomorrow. Get some bargains for the house. :T.

Thinking about it calicocat maybe this is more common than we give credit for.There must be lots of girls(and maybe men too?) that cook,clean,share a bed,pay for most things and get nothing back in return.
I mentioned in a precious post I must of come across as a glorified landlady with occasional sex thrown in because looking back that's what I actually was.Both mine and your man had it good for so long didn't they??
My one concern right now is my weight.:(
He left me 3 years ago when he said "he,d lost the love of the physical side of me"meaning I no longer turned him on.I had major problems with my thyroid (it had to be removed eventually) and the weight piled on.After he came back I was determined to lose the weight,I lost 5 and a half stone in 5 and a half month and I was so much happier.
I jumped on the scales today and was staggered to see I have put on 10 pounds since the troubles started and I'm shocked.I know Ive been eating more and buying the wrong foods,pasta,cheese and bread are not my friends so what do I go out and buy??yep pasta,cheese and bread,plus the fact I'm eating these things at 3 and 4 o,clock in the morning is absolutely crazy.Ive been watching Gemma Collins in Therapy tonight on tv and she was talking about her weight.The therapist said she was trying to hide her hurt by pushing food inside her body so her pain of everything would stay pushed down and not come forward.,I kind of agree with that.
Now if I start putting the weight back on then sweet Jesus he,s won and I cant allow that.Tomorrow morning I will clear the cuboards,fridge and freezer of all the wrong things and I will do a massive shop and fill them all with decent proper food,the same food I ate which lost me the 5 and a half stone over 3 years ago.
Ive done it before and I,ll do it again,that I do know.
5 more hours and its car booting time,yay!!!

calicocat

my-user-name wrote: »

Thinking about it calicocat maybe this is more common than we give credit for.There must be lots of girls(and maybe men too?) that cook,clean,share a bed,pay for most things and get nothing back in return.
I mentioned in a precious post I must of come across as a glorified landlady with occasional sex thrown in because looking back that's what I actually was.Both mine and your man had it good for so long didn't they??
My one concern right now is my weight.:(
He left me 3 years ago when he said "he,d lost the love of the physical side of me"meaning I no longer turned him on.I had major problems with my thyroid (it had to be removed eventually) and the weight piled on.After he came back I was determined to lose the weight,I lost 5 and a half stone in 5 and a half month and I was so much happier.
I jumped on the scales today and was staggered to see I have put on 10 pounds since the troubles started and I'm shocked.I know Ive been eating more and buying the wrong foods,pasta,cheese and bread are not my friends so what do I go out and buy??yep pasta,cheese and bread,plus the fact I'm eating these things at 3 and 4 o,clock in the morning is absolutely crazy.Ive been watching Gemma Collins in Therapy tonight on tv and she was talking about her weight.The therapist said she was trying to hide her hurt by pushing food inside her body so her pain of everything would stay pushed down and not come forward.,I kind of agree with that.
Now if I start putting the weight back on then sweet Jesus he,s won and I cant allow that.Tomorrow morning I will clear the cuboards,fridge and freezer of all the wrong things and I will do a massive shop and fill them all with decent proper food,the same food I ate which lost me the 5 and a half stone over 3 years ago.
Ive done it before and I,ll do it again,that I do know.
5 more hours and its car booting time,yay!!!

That is a great achievement on the weight front. I have pilled it on over the last 2 yrs. Menopause kicking in, working nights, too tired to be bothered to exercise as I have quite a stressful job. In fact you are in fight or flight mode a lot in my job, so that doesn't give you good hormones either to loose weight. You have done brilliantly , well done you. :j.

To leave someone due to putting on weight is appalling to be honest. Pretty shallow. Still , always an upside, you lost it.

I'm sure there lots of us about , and as you say both sexes. In fact a friend is having trouble with her relationship, as he says he pays for everything, mind you he has been particularly vicious about it. I don't know if she will ever forget some of the things he has said.

I don't eat much rubbish when at home, it's when I'm at work, but I am going to pinch a bit of your positive attitude and have a better look at what I am eating, and getting my arris moving a bit more.

Did you do exercise too, or was it just diet ?. I wish I could get a dog, but I work too many hours. I will get my arris sorting the garden next days off.

Have fun tomorrow with your flirting and new purchases.

spirit

calicocat wrote: »

I think I may have been going out with you ex's twin, up until around 3 was ago when I went berserk and ended it.

I have had a valentines card since and stupidly emailed in response (deleted contact numbers). Had replies, but not to my needs, so have ended that.

Even though I ended it, I don't feel great, have an unrealistic view that I am now suddenly isolated, I am sad, angry....lots of the things you have mentioned. I ended it as I wasn't being respected and didn't feel valued. He, like your ex, was happy for me to pay everything bar going out expenses. Never cooked anything, once told me when I pointed out he managed to when his son briefly lived with him to be told..."well he must bring the best out in me".................??!!

After a catalogue of events and idiotic selfish behaviour I had eventually had enough of it.

They haven't respected or valued us. That takes time to accept and hurts.

Decorating and changing things within your environment is good, and does help. I have been manically phoning people to get out and do things even though I don't really want to....but it helps for a while. I still have this really annoying general anxiety going on in the background all the time. This will go though, so for now I just have to ignore it as much as I can , which at times is difficult granted.

I think you are doing really well, these things take time. Have you got work colleagues or friends you could invite round for a meal and drinks ?, give you a bit of a different vibe in the flat, put some laughter back into it. Maybe not right now, but in a few weeks. Have a girl meal, make some cocktails, !!!!! about blokes if that helps. Hell even make a doll of him and burn it ( just kidding there....we'll kind of, it has put that idea in my head now.... :rotfl: )


Actually after a different breakup years ago, I had a decorating party. A few friends came over and helped paint, I cooked, we all drank...quite a lot. That can be really good fun and leave good memories. The paint job was horrendous, but it was funny, so I left it for a year to remind me.


If you are having difficulty relaxing as I am , I have found some relaxation hypnosis apps have helped at times . Shove some candles on, aromatherapy oils burning. Or stick a favourite cd on and dance until you are done in if that would be your thing.


It is very annoying there is no immediate fix, but you have managed so well , so give yourself a big slap on the shoulder....or him in the virtual face.

The late night phone calls are ALWAYS about their needs, never doubt that. It wasn't about you, he needed something....let him jog on on that one.

He has no emotional intellect , neither did mine. He has been fanancially immature , snap. No-one needs that.

Get your hair done, nails, buy a new outfit, a new handbag, go to the beach if you can, do some gardening if you have one. Keep trucking on forward. Virtual hug.


Just wanted to say what a nice supportive thread this has been, very wise advice by some clearly lovely people.

((hugs)) calicocat. I remember you from the singlies thread a few years ago.

Mojisola

calicocat wrote: »

I wish I could get a dog, but I work too many hours.

If you just want to be able to walk a dog when you do have time, join BorrowMyDoggy.

calicocat

spirit wrote: »

((hugs)) calicocat. I remember you from the singlies thread a few years ago.

:wave::wave:

Maybe I should have stayed that way.....

No, it wasn't all bad, I just don't think I'm suited to geordie blokes.

my-user-name

my-user-name wrote: »

Morning calicocat,You asked if I did any exercise while losing all that weight...nope not one bit.However I joined Slimming World and kept to the healthy eating religiously throughout the week and once I had my weigh in I always had a good treat and I still managed to lose the weight each week so I'm going to do the same this time and will lose it asap,I simply have to.(thankfully it didn't leave me with loose skin)

That's the difference from the last time he ended it to this time,last time I was able to do something about it(losing weight) this time it would of been impossible to love him any more and to do more for him,thats why I haven't fought for him this time.(shouldn't of fought for him last time):(
I too would love a dog but work puts a hold on that but it would be lovely.
Car boot was good this morning,I was awake all night because I wasn't tired and I was at the boot sales by 6-30am.It was a little bit quiet but I managed ot get some nice bargains,I came home with a empty purse so I must of had a good time lol
And I was a good girl,I didn't flirt!

Neliltsylor5

I hope you get through this ok

Life goes on and always will

my-user-name

Neliltsylor5 wrote: »

I hope you get through this ok

Life goes on and always will

I think we need that tattoed on our foreheads Neliltsylor lol

DigForVictory

Wear it as a bangle - "this too will pass". Takes the buzz out of the really high spots, but takes the edge off the really rough corners too.

No flirting? But it makes Car booting so much more fun! And at that hour of the morning, you need every giggle you can get or give. Your mum would be kind to folk with a compliment, would she not? Helping folk see the silver lining is a fine art & takes practice.

my-user-name

DigForVictory wrote: »

Wear it as a bangle - "this too will pass". Takes the buzz out of the really high spots, but takes the edge off the really rough corners too.

No flirting? But it makes Car booting so much more fun! And at that hour of the morning, you need every giggle you can get or give. Your mum would be kind to folk with a compliment, would she not? Helping folk see the silver lining is a fine art & takes practice.

Nope no flirting at all this morning DForV but it was fun lol Cannot understand how happy they all are stood behind their stalls in freezing cold weather at 6-30 on a Sunday morning,they must be mad!
One of my best buys was a brand new,sealed king size quilt cover and matching pillow cases.It had Marks and Spencer sticker on it and a price of £69 for the cover and £15 price tags on both pillows,
A lady was looking at them and asked the price,the seller said "£5 for all of them" then the woman offered her £3,the seller told her where to go so I jumped in and happily paid the price she wanted.Oh its a stunning set!! it says King Size Embellished set,I hadn't a clue what that meant but for a fiver I thought it a bargain.When I got home I checked and it like a very fine see through netting attached to it and it looks so expensive! Im going to save it until I start and finish my bedroom.
Also bought lots of other small things and I can definatly say it was a great morning indeed.
It did me good going out this morning and having a laugh with the sellers,Ive not been for a good while and it was nice the regular sellers recognised me.
God Ive turned this post into a very boring one talking about bargains and car boots,sorry lol