14 years I feel Ive wasted,not sure how to cope

my-user-name

Mojisola wrote: »

It is normal to want some explanation so that the reasons for the breakdown of the relationship can be understood but the OP isn't likely to get this from her ex - if there was a rational reason, he would have told her or sent a letter after they split.

As Jojo says - in his mind, he should be in control of things whereas my-user-name has taken control and is making changes to her life without him.

Years ago, I had a similar experience when a serious relationship finished. Others fed the message back to me that he was very, very upset - when I said that he had dumped me, they said that he didn't expect me to accept it and thought I would make efforts to get back together.

His ego couldn't cope with the idea that I would chose to get on with my life rather than plead and try to make him come back.

I was in tears every day and heart-broken but I couldn't be with someone who played those kind of power games.

Yep I really would like a explanation Mojisola if only to stop worrying that I did something majorly wrong to stop him loving me,Im the first to admit I must have faults,everyone has but knowing what these are may make me change for the better.It wont help our relationship because that's dead and in tatters.
Jojo is right normally he is in control (I don't mean that in a bad way) but he was in control in our relationship and I feel Ive taken that away from him by simply not contacting and especially with him not knowing if I'm crying into my pillow every night,that will be alien to him.
I am different this time to the one 3 years ago when we split up for me being overweight,his family and friends knew how desperately unhappy I was and how I wasn't coping at all,this time he can only think I'm the same,he dosent know 100% that I'm either not coping or I'm doing very well,to me that's taking control out of his hands.
He said too many cruel and hurtful things to me in the lead up to us splitting,if he had a ounze of sense then he would realise those words killed any love I had for him

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

my-user-name wrote: »

Yep I really would like a explanation Mojisola if only to stop worrying that I did something majorly wrong to stop him loving me,Im the first to admit I must have faults,everyone has but knowing what these are may make me change for the better.It wont help our relationship because that's dead and in tatters.
Jojo is right normally he is in control (I don't mean that in a bad way) but he was in control in our relationship and I feel Ive taken that away from him by simply not contacting and especially with him not knowing if I'm crying into my pillow every night,that will be alien to him.
I am different this time to the one 3 years ago when we split up for me being overweight,his family and friends knew how desperately unhappy I was and how I wasn't coping at all,this time he can only think I'm the same,he dosent know 100% that I'm either not coping or I'm doing very well,to me that's taking control out of his hands.
He said too many cruel and hurtful things to me in the lead up to us splitting,if he had a ounze of sense then he would realise those words killed any love I had for him

He wouldn't realise that - those words were meant to make you grovel for fear of losing him.

After all, the tantrum about your weight didn't go to plan, as you actually went and did it (and probably became more confident and superficially attractive in the process - I'm differentiating between the two, as confidence and appearance are both attractive) - so, to keep you in check, he got meaner. And that backfired because you lost the desire to pander to his whims.

So there's a chance that he thought leaving would bring you to heel again, if not in a living together situation (and there is absolutely no guarantee that the New House actually exists, by the way, so he could still be at Mummy's waiting for you to beg for him to come back), quite possibly as a fallback Desperate Ex to Screw When Unsuccessful With Other Women. Not desperately clinging onto his 'generous' offer of talking to you would have interfered with his plans. So he's angry and, as part of that, is trying to upset you/embarrass you/make you angry so you'd get in touch. Maybe his plans were sexual in nature, maybe it's just so he could tell you even more hurtful things - whatever, it doesn't matter.



You know you're well rid. It'll take time for it to not hurt, and it's scary after being with somebody for so long, especially when they've controlled and dominated you (which is a tick box for Psychological Abuse, by the way) but don't swear you'll never fall in love again or anything like that - it would be exactly what he wanted, to think of you still pining for him.



Live, cry, laugh, enjoy the ability to breathe freely. Freedom is scary, but it's a heady thing once the initial shock and pain eases.

You'll be fine. I'm sure of it.

annandale

Leave him alone and get on with your life
It's horrible when a relationship breaks down but from what you have posted you've been living with someone who paid you a pittance. Didn't pull his weight

Why would you want to be with someone like that

If his horrible words have killed any love you had for him stop agonising and move on

EdwardB

my-user-name wrote: »

Well Ive had some news regarding him today and its left me more confused than ever.

One of my neighbours saw him in the city centre today so they both stopped and spoke to each other.
After a while he asked my neighbour how I was doing and my neighbour replied"she has her good days and she has her bad days but that's understandable after 14 years"

The ex then said"I have tried my best to speak to her and explain but she wasn't having any of it! (so this must of been the reason why he texted me at nearly midnight just the once asking if he could ring me because iits "quite important")

My neighbour then shocked me and said"I hate to say this but he came across as someone who really hates you",I was shocked.

I asked to explain and he said my ex commented "theres is no way whatsoever that I will ever get back with her" So hes telling people hes tried to explain things to me on why he called it a day yet for 14 years hes never opened up to me or anyone else.

My neighbour said without doubt he is angry with me and seemed to be blaming me for the break up for some reason and its bugging me why hes blaming me??he was the one who said he no longer loved me,he was the one who said our relationship has reached the end of the road,it was him who said after 14 years he,s not into relationships......so why the hell is he blaming me?

I was no different to him leading up to the bombshell that he didn't love me anymore,I was oblivious to anything that I was doing differently.He was the one who wanted to move out and leave me so why is he blaming me and being angry at me.

Part of me wants to contact him and just ask him this but if to be known I don't want to speak to him at all but on the other hand I really need to know why hes so angry with me when I didn't even want this in the first place.

My neighbour said he has lost a lot of weight and its noticeable,surely this alone should make him happy??

Gosh, been missing this thread, so much to catch up on and pleased to see you are holding your own.

Most recent first.

He does not get to.....Do or say ANYTHING.

He is worse than something you tread on in the park and have to clean off your shoe.

You are hereby officially banned from contacting him!! Remember the letter you were going to send but then were glad you didn't.

HE IS NOT WORTHY

Let me break it down because I have seen this behaviour before.

He does something bad, but he is a politician, so he feigns upset suggesting you are somehow in the wrong when he snuck off like a rat in the night without a word.

He has nothing to be angry about, it is an act to suggest that HE is the one who has been hurt, so that he can get sympathy.

It is all manipulation in an attempt to isolate you by turning others against you.

Boo Hoo, I tried to explain, explain what, what a !!!!!! you are?

Look I have no problem with people wanting to break up, but it is always how you do it that says what kind of person you are.

You gave him 14 years of your life, he did not give you 14 seconds to explain.

Do not let it bug you because this is "his story/excuse" it is only said to protect his rep, if he was angry it was because you had clearly discussed him with the neighbour and he could not control that.

My ex did not want to go to Relate, so I went myself, then they wanted to come to hear what was being said and to make it clear it was over (after their affair).

He is also saying this because he knows it will get back to you, he knows it will hurt you and he wants you to be confused.

At he the past, he has shown he is not worth a second thought but he can only hurt you if you let him.

You have been doing SO well, every day, in every way, you are getting stronger and stronger.

Think of him at his most ridiculous, I am sure in those 14 years there must have been a time, a moment when you thought, what a d'head, imagine him like that.

It does not matter if he lost weight chances are he is desperate to find someone new and thinks his appearance is a big factor. YOU DO NOT CARE, he could go have plastic surgery, have some botox, even have aannal bleaching! It does not matter because he is NOTHING to you. Not worthy of your anger or hate or confusion or anything,

I do not know what he said in the lead up to the split but you can't unsay things.

You now must look forward, no looking back on him, for the next year if someone brings him up, stop them and say "thanks but I am not interested".

Meanwhile here is a thought
How to Spot a Sociopath


Look for the following characteristics:

• A lack of shame
• Constant lying, manipulation, or attempts at isolation
• Ability to remain calm, even in extreme circumstances
• Charm, intelligence, huge ego, and immaturity
• Uncalled for violent behavior
• Micro expressions of anger
• Easily offended
• Narcissistic tendencies
• Use of intense contact to manipulate

http://www.wikihow.com/Spot-a-Sociopath

You tell me?

EdwardB

Primrose wrote: »

I can understand the logic of this but part of me also believes it's part of our emotional nature to want some kind of closure from a broken relationship like this so that we can join all the dots together to help us understand better and move on.

Only you can decide. The reality is that he IS Still part of your emotiotional life until thoughts of him are gradually displaced by other more positive things. You parted with a huge gulf in your relationship. Acrimonious partings damage both parties, even the person who wants to leave a relationship.

If you think there is any chance that a discussion on neutral territory with a commitment that tempers would not be lost and the discussion would remain calm would help you both move on then maybe both of you would benefit from going that route.

At some point if you live in the same area your paths may well cross in the future. How much better it would be for both of you if you could at least say Hello without cringing embarrassment and pain which leaves you feeling an emotional wreck for days until you regain your equilibrium again ?

Ask yourself which route would help you heal more quickly. There are no right answers. Only you can decide.

Sorry Primrose

I have to disagree with you.

I can only think you have not read the thread from the beginning or maybe you are just kind natured at heart and giving this man more credit than he is due.

There is NOTHING that he can say at a meeting that will help MUN, it will only pick at a scab that was healing nicely. Anything he says will hurt her more, will give her more questions and make her blame herself when he is the emotionally void person.

When people do not treat you with respect despite 14 years, you do not play "let's be nice" if we see each other in the street, MUN must hold her head high and he needs to look at the pavement. He is not worth a hello, just nothing, not even a glance. It is called dignity.

There is no embarrassment, for what? For having trusted him, for having catered for him and his petty "you know I can't cook" ballhooks? BTW any man can cook, it just takes practice and a recipe book, but if they end up with a giving person who enjoys cooking for someone then they are happy to let them take up the slack. I had a simple system, when I cooked she washed up and when she cooked I washed up.

He is a lazy mummies boy, even had her call MUN, nipped that in the bud.

Ever onward

No animosity towards him, just indifference.

-taff

Probably angry you didn't go running after him to ask him back so he can pay £100 to live every month....

Pollycat

my-user-name wrote: »

Well Ive had some news regarding him today and its left me more confused than ever.
One of my neighbours saw him in the city centre today so they both stopped and spoke to each other.
After a while he asked my neighbour how I was doing and my neighbour replied"she has her good days and she has her bad days but that's understandable after 14 years"
The ex then said"I have tried my best to speak to her and explain but she wasn't having any of it!(so this must of been the reason why he texted me at nearly midnight just the once asking if he could ring me because iits "quite important")
My neighbour then shocked me and said"I hate to say this but he came across as someone who really hates you",I was shocked.
I asked to explain and he said my ex commented "theres is no way whatsoever that I will ever get back with her" So hes telling people hes tried to explain things to me on why he called it a day yet for 14 years hes never opened up to me or anyone else.
My neighbour said without doubt he is angry with me and seemed to be blaming me for the break up for some reason and its bugging me why hes blaming me??he was the one who said he no longer loved me,he was the one who said our relationship has reached the end of the road,it was him who said after 14 years he,s not into relationships......so why the hell is he blaming me?
I was no different to him leading up to the bombshell that he didn't love me anymore,I was oblivious to anything that I was doing differently.He was the one who wanted to move out and leave me so why is he blaming me and being angry at me.
Part of me wants to contact him and just ask him this but if to be known I don't want to speak to him at all but on the other hand I really need to know why hes so angry with me when I didn't even want this in the first place.
My neighbour said he has lost a lot of weight and its noticeable,surely this alone should make him happy??

Like Spirit I think it could be him looking or the sympathy vote - "I tried really hard to keep the relationship going but she wouldn't listen, yada yada"

Or he could be trying to mess with your head through a 3rd party.
If it's part o3 your character to worry over things, he might be sat thinking "Hah! When she hears that, she's going to go round and round in circles trying to work it out"

Or he could be in denial and really think you were the one to blame.

Or he could be angry with himself because he let the best doormat (sorry, a bit brutal) in the world get away and he's proecting that anger onto you.

Whichever it is, it's really not worth angsting about.
Don't give him the satisaction.

His weight loss may be because he can't cook, wait until he's lived on take-aways or a couple of months. :rotfl:

Poor show from your neighbour to share all that information about you with him, I'd be furious.
And in the same situation, I'd never have mentioned that he's angry at you.
I'd be very careful what I say to her in future.

calicocat

EdwardB.........great post, loved the aaannal bleaching comment............ :rotfl:

I knew someone who found out their bloke was cheating, the night before she booted him out she immac'd his head, so he left in the morning hairless............:D.

I was stupid enough to email after the card scenario, as I wanted answers thinking it would give me better closure. Did it heck, I just got another email, the a text asking to meet to "talk" . Never managed to talk properly yet, so refused saying wanted an answer to my question........

No answer. Didn't really expect one, as emotional retardation was getting in the way. The only closure I got was to email my discontent I guess,but that is short lived and not worth it. So people are right, it won't get anywhere.


Weight loss..............definitely having to shove together the odd sarnie or jacket spud together for himself....poor sole.

And stay away from inappropriate neighbours, not helpful at all. They are obviously enjoying the drama.

He's turning out to be more of a Pratt day by day.


Time to get out there and go shopping again, or meet a friend to see a movie.



EDIT......buy a wonder core thingy. I did 100 sit-ups last evening before work. This means you don't focus on the ex as you are thinking more about the pain you are in.

DigForVictory

One text is his "best at talking" to you? <slow handclap, as learned from WI>

He is reported as "really hating you" - well, (a) careful of the source & (b) of course his ego has taken a few dents. I'd leave the neighbours off your to-chat-to people - you've a job, and your home and friends you trust to see to after all.

Apparently "he's lost weight" - which is rarely bad for anyone, and anyway if he's struggling to cook for himself, he will learn.
(I've teenage boys - I harbour No Delusions about what they can achieve even with low blood sugar, but hungry and ratty go together. Which is why a grouchy teen may find himself handed a can of hoops & told to come back in 10 minutes! Not a way to treat exes though.)

Dignity - yep, now's as good a time as any - practice the full Grace Kelly glide (of Princess Upright without Princess Uptight) and look ahead (chin up!) so you can see folks at several hundred yards & sweep past any you choose with grace & decision.

I do love your mum's quote. Very glad the ring was actually a joint purchase - as you have her sparkling at you, and within you!

my-user-name

Thank you so much for the input especially over the past 24 hours,I decided to come off from writing on the page for a little while so I could get my head around everybodys words and advice,Ive taken note of everyones thoughts and this is how I see it,(its kind of like a puzzle which I'm piecing together to get to a end result)

EdwardB
You do amazing posts!! Its ok,I have banned myself from contacting him,yes I thought it could help me and I know why Primrose also thought the same but where would it get me??absolutely nowhere.He couldn't tell me the truth face to face so he certainly wont tell the truth in a email.??
Your right Edward ,he has no reason to be angry and yes his anger is a way of gaining sympathy.He is a very proud man,always wants people to think highly of him(crap but they do ) and he has to justify his actions but deep down he cant so he twists it around to gain the sympathy vote.

Look for the following characteristics:
A lack of shame
Constant lying, manipulation, or attempts at isolation
Ability to remain calm, even in extreme circumstances
Charm, intelligence, huge ego, and immaturity
Uncalled for violent behavior
Micro expressions of anger
Easily offended
Narcissistic tendencies
Use of intense contact to manipulate

(7 out of 8,yikes!)


I have been foolish during our 14 years together and I don't know if its a good thing or a bad thing to say he,ll never have another lady like me??
A few of the posters have said his nose has been put out of joint because I haven't gone running to him,yes it has.Hes a proud man and he will hate it if anyone asks him if Ive been in touch with him,he,d have to say no and he would hate that.
I feel he will find this new life very strange for him at the moment,dare I say I feel slightly sorry for him?Yes at the beginning he would of been excited,I remember him saying a few of the men at the golf course are divorced and live on their own and they love it,he must of thought he,d be the same.These men can probably cook and clean for themselves without thinking twice,he cant.He has to start form scratch learning these things.He,ll manage it I'm sure of that but it will be rough for him.
But where the hell has it got him???I cant see him being happy happy happy right now,in time yes but hes got a long way to go before that happens.
But all that is none of my business is it??I have to concentrate on myself and that's what I'm going to do.
I will get there in the end and I,ll be more content in my life and more happier.I don't think I'm going to be the loser at the end of the day.