14 years I feel Ive wasted,not sure how to cope

EdwardB

calicocat wrote: »

EdwardB.........great post, loved the aaannal bleaching comment............ :rotfl:

I knew someone who found out their bloke was cheating, the night before she booted him out she immac'd his head, so he left in the morning hairless............:D.

I was stupid enough to email after the card scenario, as I wanted answers thinking it would give me better closure. Did it heck, I just got another email, the a text asking to meet to "talk" . Never managed to talk properly yet, so refused saying wanted an answer to my question........

No answer. Didn't really expect one, as emotional retardation was getting in the way. The only closure I got was to email my discontent I guess,but that is short lived and not worth it. So people are right, it won't get anywhere.

Weight loss..............definitely having to shove together the odd sarnie or jacket spud together for himself....poor sole.

And stay away from inappropriate neighbours, not helpful at all. They are obviously enjoying the drama.

He's turning out to be more of a Pratt day by day.

Time to get out there and go shopping again, or meet a friend to see a movie.

EDIT......buy a wonder core thingy. I did 100 sit-ups last evening before work. This means you don't focus on the ex as you are thinking more about the pain you are in.

Hi calicocat

You have offered some wise words and shared some great experience in this thread which I am still catching up on.

I could relate to your comment "But I like to cook" and I think it is important because you and MUN cannot let these emotional wimps redefine who you are. In relationships we all adapt to some extent to "fit" to the other person, I think we can give so much of ourselves and that is why we have so many "processing" questions.

The reality is that THERE IS NO ANSWER, like the story of the Scorpion that wants to cross the river, it can't change it's nature.

I do not get men who say they can't cook, now sure, some things require a little planning and maybe constant attention for a bit but it is not as if cooking a simple steak is the same as a fillet with Chateaubriand sauce. Same goes for pasta, anybody can boil up a bit of pasta, then while it is cooking put a little oil, balsamic vinegar,butter, tomato puree, basil, oregano and garlic in a pan to toss it in after draining, just dried things you have in, hardly Escoffier is it!

I think his weight loss is deliberate because he thinks it will help him find whatever it is he thinks he is looking for. He would do better to deal with his core values..

You are right about encouraging MUN to enjoy doing things SHE enjoys, fitness releases endorphins, I think it is a legal high, or did that ban that too!

Supernatural

Quote that's doing the rounds on Facebook, but wise words I think.

"When a toxic person can no longer control you, they will try to control how others see you. The misinformation will seem unfair, but stay above it, trusting that others will see the TRUTH, just like you did."

I've had it happen to me, my ex tells everyone how horrible I was to him, cold, unloving, unsupportive, that I spent all his money... etc etc, he wants sympathy off other people - especially women! But all the important people in my life that matter know the true story and now see him for who and what he is, I no longer have to say a word.

Stay strong x

EdwardB

my-user-name wrote: »

Thank you so much for the input especially over the past 24 hours, I decided to come off from writing on the page for a little while so I could get my head around everybodys words and advice,Ive taken note of everyones thoughts and this is how I see it,(its kind of like a puzzle which I'm piecing together to get to a end result)

EdwardB
You do amazing posts!! Its ok,I have banned myself from contacting him,yes I thought it could help me and I know why Primrose also thought the same but where would it get me??absolutely nowhere.He couldn't tell me the truth face to face so he certainly wont tell the truth in a email.??
Your right Edward ,he has no reason to be angry and yes his anger is a way of gaining sympathy.He is a very proud man,always wants people to think highly of him(crap but they do ) and he has to justify his actions but deep down he cant so he twists it around to gain the sympathy vote.

Look for the following characteristics:
A lack of shame
Constant lying, manipulation, or attempts at isolation
Ability to remain calm, even in extreme circumstances
Charm, intelligence, huge ego, and immaturity
Uncalled for violent behavior
Micro expressions of anger
Easily offended
Narcissistic tendencies
Use of intense contact to manipulate

(7 out of 8,yikes!)

I have been foolish during our 14 years together and I don't know if its a good thing or a bad thing to say he,ll never have another lady like me??

A few of the posters have said his nose has been put out of joint because I haven't gone running to him,yes it has.Hes a proud man and he will hate it if anyone asks him if Ive been in touch with him,he,d have to say no and he would hate that.

I feel he will find this new life very strange for him at the moment,dare I say I feel slightly sorry for him?Yes at the beginning he would of been excited,I remember him saying a few of the men at the golf course are divorced and live on their own and they love it,he must of thought he,d be the same.These men can probably cook and clean for themselves without thinking twice,he cant.He has to start form scratch learning these things.He,ll manage it I'm sure of that but it will be rough for him.

But where the hell has it got him???I cant see him being happy happy happy right now,in time yes but hes got a long way to go before that happens.

But all that is none of my business is it??I have to concentrate on myself and that's what I'm going to do.

I will get there in the end and I,ll be more content in my life and more happier.I don't think I'm going to be the loser at the end of the day.

I think that may be sensible, take as long as you need, what may help is knowing that this is like any loss, we go through those stages mentioned, if you are able to consider them a roadmap, I think you are past Anger and were in a healthy Sorrow, the neighbour pulled you back a bit but you are moving forward. This is why you have to keep away from people who live off the drama, they may have meant well but he was just using them as a conduit as he would his mum or anyone that will listen.

The only thing that bothers me is that reading between the lines I get the impression you feel somehow responsible for some aspects, YOU ARE NOT. You are NOT foolish, you are a giving person, that is your nature and you enjoy giving. He on the other hand has nothing to give, reading some of the posts here I wondered if his whole break up was a planned event, he did it before and it gave him more power in the relationship. Well it backfired big time if that was the case, but then I got to thinking, he is not that bright. Truth is he is just selfish, inconsiderate and ungrateful. Of course he will stuggle to find anyone like you, oh sure he may eventually find someone in the wrong place at the wrong time, but they will be on a par with your toe nail cuttings, which is more than he deserves.

Now you need to elevate yourself from giving him a second thought, write down a wish list of things you want to do, to achieve. One of them has to be a trip, somewhere you would love to go but have never done. It could be anything, something local, or even a day trip to Calais but do not do it alone, go with a girlfriend. I was just reading about that lady at work with the envelope, now that is some chicken soup for the soul (get that book BTW helps restore your faith in people). She is someone you want to have in your life as more than a work colleague, invite her and her kids over for a Sunday lunch, give something back because a giver, it replenishes your soul.

If you look at the traites you ticked about him you will see he won't be happy because he is all about control and manipulation.

It is not so much that he is not your business, it is that he is insignificant, like a fart on a windy day, smells pretty bad at first up close, but is soon lost in the wind.

You probably can't see it yet but he has done you a big favour, you were never a loser nor will you be, he is the loser because he lost a good thing but was too emotionally vacant to realise it.

Now you work on your goals, your plans, invest in yourself, from simple pleasures over the next few weeks to something big for 2018/9. Do some Salsa lessons, then go with a girlfriend on a dancing holiday to Cuba or Puerto Rico. Just an example but it combines a short term activity with something to aim for, something fun and for you.

my-user-name

Supernatural wrote: »

Quote that's doing the rounds on Facebook, but wise words I think.

"When a toxic person can no longer control you, they will try to control how others see you. The misinformation will seem unfair, but stay above it, trusting that others will see the TRUTH, just like you did."

I've had it happen to me, my ex tells everyone how horrible I was to him, cold, unloving, unsupportive, that I spent all his money... etc etc, he wants sympathy off other people - especially women! But all the important people in my life that matter know the true story and now see him for who and what he is, I no longer have to say a word.

Stay strong x

Very wise words indeed Supernatural ,however where he is concerned everyone thought he was this great guy and the sun shone out of his backside,in fact some would of probably thought I was lucky to be with him,if only they knew
But those people I wouldn't class as my friends anyway,they will decide who to believe or not but in the meantime I will still carry on holding my head held high whatever they think of me.The words are spot on though

my-user-name

EdwardB wrote: »

I think that may be sensible, take as long as you need, what may help is knowing that this is like any loss, we go through those stages mentioned, if you are able to consider them a roadmap, I think you are past Anger and were in a healthy Sorrow, the neighbour pulled you back a bit but you are moving forward. This is why you have to keep away from people who live off the drama, they may have meant well but he was just using them as a conduit as he would his mum or anyone that will listen.

The only thing that bothers me is that reading between the lines I get the impression you feel somehow responsible for some aspects, YOU ARE NOT. You are NOT foolish, you are a giving person, that is your nature and you enjoy giving. He on the other hand has nothing to give, reading some of the posts here I wondered if his whole break up was a planned event, he did it before and it gave him more power in the relationship. Well it backfired big time if that was the case, but then I got to thinking, he is not that bright. Truth is he is just selfish, inconsiderate and ungrateful. Of course he will stuggle to find anyone like you, oh sure he may eventually find someone in the wrong place at the wrong time, but they will be on a par with your toe nail cuttings, which is more than he deserves.

Now you need to elevate yourself from giving him a second thought, write down a wish list of things you want to do, to achieve. One of them has to be a trip, somewhere you would love to go but have never done. It could be anything, something local, or even a day trip to Calais but do not do it alone, go with a girlfriend. I was just reading about that lady at work with the envelope, now that is some chicken soup for the soul (get that book BTW helps restore your faith in people). She is someone you want to have in your life as more than a work colleague, invite her and her kids over for a Sunday lunch, give something back because a giver, it replenishes your soul.

If you look at the traites you ticked about him you will see he won't be happy because he is all about control and manipulation.

It is not so much that he is not your business, it is that he is insignificant, like a fart on a windy day, smells pretty bad at first up close, but is soon lost in the wind.

You probably can't see it yet but he has done you a big favour, you were never a loser nor will you be, he is the loser because he lost a good thing but was too emotionally vacant to realise it.

Now you work on your goals, your plans, invest in yourself, from simple pleasures over the next few weeks to something big for 2018/9. Do some Salsa lessons, then go with a girlfriend on a dancing holiday to Cuba or Puerto Rico. Just an example but it combines a short term activity with something to aim for, something fun and for you.

Hi Edward,
Just spent the past 15 mins answering your post and its disappeared,dont you just hate it when that happens,ggrrhh:(
In my words which are probably floating around in cyber space right now I tried to explain that yes indeed he did hurt me in a way that I didn't think possible but after such a long time its hard to stop loving them overnight.14 years is a long time to be with a man who you've learned to love and learn to put up with his faults and whos only aim in life is to make them happy,I thought he was but his actions proved otherwise.
So now I'm going through the faze of "cant stop feeling sorry for him"
Don't get me wrong Edward there is no going back,absolutley no going back.Ive got over the shock of him leaving,Im almost over the cruel words which might probably stay with me forever but they don't hurt me as much as they did in the beginning,I no longer cry and finally I'm seeing light at the end of the tunnel.
If I could sit down and write words to him(AND IM WONT BE I PROMISE YOU!!) I would call him a fool,a fool for taking me for granted,a fool for thinking I would beg him to come back to me even though he said he no longer loved me,a fool for thinking this new life of his will make him happy.a fool for not realising what he actually had when we were together,a fool for not being grateful for what he had in life.
I could be totally wrong but I don't think he is happy right now,his recent actions make me think this..Im feeling this because I loved him for such a long time and its impossible to suddenly go from love to hate,look at these women who stay by there man when there men have done horrific things and ended up in prison,the difference with those ladies is they stick with their men where as I'm doing the opposite by making a new life by myself.So yes one day I will stop loving him and to be honest I think its going to be earlier than I imagined but I do feel he didn't think this through properly but his foolish actions I should be thankful for because I know soon I will be happy with my new life.
My life will be different,not in a major way,Im too old in the tooth for that but I'm starting off shaping up my body,dont get me wrong its not a bad body but a bit f pulling in will help me with my confidance so theres a good chance I will be joining a gym and concentrating on just my stomach and nothing else coz the rest of me isn't too bad for a old un lol
I will sort out a holiday but it has to be for myself,friends I can go for great weekends away and that will be fun but as for a holiday I would adore one on my own.I went to New York at Christmas on my own and had a amazing time(he said he couldn't think of anything worse than going around New York looking at Christmas lights") it was my number one on my bucket list!!! (maybe he didn't think I would do it without him,who knows)
I think Ive mentioned before about my good friend dying of cancer last summer,we held a kind of "farewell to our matey" night (crazy as it sounds it was a amazing night!) and I clearly remember him pulling me to one side during the night and asking me if I could have one wish what would it be and I told him one day I will go to New York to see the Christmas lights and go to Brooklyn to see Dyker Heights(if you google it you will know why!) my precious friend had only weeks to live and he made me promise I would do it otherwise I would live with regret.His dream was to visit Gracelands(massive Elvis fan) but he said his one regret was not doing it when he was a well man..Although by Christmas time he was up in heaven I still firmly believe he was with me on that trip to New York.And yes I paid for it myself my ex offered me !!!!!! all except his universal plug for my hair straightness lol
As for my lovely envelope lady at work....were off to a restaurant after work on Friday,a place where you can get the most amazing burgers(and amazing price too) lol but she asked me yesterday if I was up for it....hell yes!! I can always join the gym on Monday lol
So you see I really am getting on with my life and in time I will stop feeling a tad sorry for him but for now after a massive amount of time loving him I find it a bit hard to harden to him.....but I will!!!

my-user-name

My Lord I must separate my paragraphs,sorry

EdwardB

No worries about paragraphs I chop them up to make sure I do not miss anything.

OH YES I definately hate that losing a post, I have learnt the hard way to do CTRL-A, CTRL-X and CTRL-V before submit replying myself to the daft cloudfare service they are using which is sending our posts into limbo At least then I can Press CTRL-V again to paste it when it crashes, logs me out or requests I enter 42 store fronts, 6 house numbers and then says it is not accepting my post.

WOW you are SO strong today, you are figuring things out, he has lost so much and of course it still hurts. You do not give your soul, your trust, your respect, your body, your very essence and then say, "oh well buggger him and the horse he rode in on".

I think it is unlikely that he is happy, he is not controlling anyone, he must be feeling the financial pinch because from what you said it seems you covered most things.

It is great that you are already visualising a new future on your own terms. There will still be sad days from time to time but less and less as you go on.

It is going to take time, but there is a way I have found that gets out all the emotions and heals, it may involve some tears but they are good because "better out than in":).

So think about it, what do Adele, Sade, Beverley Craven, Tony Braxton, Shakira, Lisa Stansfield and actully a plethora of others have in common. Their lyrics are often about love, especially losing love.

You can go to YouTube, pick some of the above but rather than the official video, watch the lyrics versions. Pretty soon you will see YouTube recommending songs for you, again go for the lyrics versions.

Now while these are great for spilling out the sorrow, you can also use other songs to replenish and make you want to be with someone new (in due course not now), checkout Maxwell or Babyface MTV unplugged. Omar, Eric Benet, Joe, R Kelly to name but a few.

The gym is good and hell you can always skip the bun so your burger is more healthy. I had those Gourmet Burgers and gulped at the price, but I do not eat at McD so once in a while why not. In fact I read that in a book about understanding how we metabolise food. They said if you are going to have a plate of chips, have the very best one you can in a posh restaurant, have ONCE it as a reward and get it out of your system.

They say with each decade it gets harder to lose weight, but you have to track it, just cut down the portion sizes by 5% per month and cut the garbage sugar and fat. Actually I read you did a clear out didn't you. Do not overdo it at the gym, add more walking, climb more stairs if there are any at work or elsewhere. Walk up escalators. when I used to work in London I walked fast up those escalators, was like a workout by the time I got all three done. My sister loves yoga, never done it myself, but been addicted to fitness classes or just running on treadmill.

So you are clear on a few things; he breached your trust in an unforgiveable way, so no going back no matter what. WELL DONE !!

His cruel words can only hurt you while you value his opinion, of course people we let in on the inside are the only ones that can really hurt us. So as you let him go, you push him back to the outside and now you demote him. Every day in every way you get stronger and stronger while he gets more and more pathetic. In fact so pathetic that you find yourself not even caring, he is the past and becoming more distant in the rear view mirror as to drive on into your future, a future on YOUR terms.

I think it is actually OK to write him a letter, but then to celebrate burning it so you are never tempted to send it. It is just an exercise gets your feeling out.

You could read some books on relationships, plenty around, men are from mars, men lie women cry

Your New York story shows that he is fundamentally not capable of sharing, A giving person takes pleasure in fulfilling their partner, it could be the smallest thing but if they know you always had the desire, how could they not be there to share it?

I think the important thing is that you make sure you have firm friendships with your girlfriends, I see you have your work friends and you have a kind of image with them. You need a few with whom you can be just you, did -X seem to put off your friends? At the beginning of thread you seemed to define yourself as being his other half. Moving forward you have to recognise that you are having your own journey, of course it is lovely to share your life, to feel able to lean on each other but you must take as much as you give. Of course to do that you need someone who is capable of giving!! Anyway you are a while away from being ready for that. This is a time for establishing YOUR NEEDS, new hobbies or interests where there was not time before.

I find volunteering is very rewarding, it can be an hour a week befriending for AgeUK or Mental Health Charities or just local stuff. It is giving but low risk if that makes sense. It also puts you into a new circle of people with no knowledge of your current situation.

You know it could have been a lot worse, you have no kids together so you can make a clean break and heal sooner, with kids you are joined at the hip and you have to put the needs of kids first. He could have had an affair and that would have been more painful, you could have been financially tied or you could have been made homeless by the split. So whilst the world has fallen out from under you and I am not underestimating how hurt you feel, we sometimes have to think how bad it could have been,

I am pleased to hear you are seeing Ms Envelope, people like that can develop into good friends, they are few and far between.

Meeting her out of work will enable you to find out more about her and her life, she seems to be very sensible, sensitive and strong.

Enjoy that burger!!

my-user-name

EdwardB wrote: »

No worries about paragraphs I chop them up to make sure I do not miss anything.

OH YES I definately hate that losing a post, I have learnt the hard way to do CTRL-A, CTRL-X and CTRL-V before submit replying myself to the daft cloudfare service they are using which is sending our posts into limbo At least then I can Press CTRL-V again to paste it when it crashes, logs me out or requests I enter 42 store fronts, 6 house numbers and then says it is not accepting my post.

WOW you are SO strong today, you are figuring things out, he has lost so much and of course it still hurts. You do not give your soul, your trust, your respect, your body, your very essence and then say, "oh well buggger him and the horse he rode in on".

I think it is unlikely that he is happy, he is not controlling anyone, he must be feeling the financial pinch because from what you said it seems you covered most things.

It is great that you are already visualising a new future on your own terms. There will still be sad days from time to time but less and less as you go on.

It is going to take time, but there is a way I have found that gets out all the emotions and heals, it may involve some tears but they are good because "better out than in":).

So think about it, what do Adele, Sade, Beverley Craven, Tony Braxton, Shakira, Lisa Stansfield and actully a plethora of others have in common. Their lyrics are often about love, especially losing love.

You can go to YouTube, pick some of the above but rather than the official video, watch the lyrics versions. Pretty soon you will see YouTube recommending songs for you, again go for the lyrics versions.

Now while these are great for spilling out the sorrow, you can also use other songs to replenish and make you want to be with someone new (in due course not now), checkout Maxwell or Babyface MTV unplugged. Omar, Eric Benet, Joe, R Kelly to name but a few.

The gym is good and hell you can always skip the bun so your burger is more healthy. I had those Gourmet Burgers and gulped at the price, but I do not eat at McD so once in a while why not. In fact I read that in a book about understanding how we metabolise food. They said if you are going to have a plate of chips, have the very best one you can in a posh restaurant, have ONCE it as a reward and get it out of your system.

They say with each decade it gets harder to lose weight, but you have to track it, just cut down the portion sizes by 5% per month and cut the garbage sugar and fat. Actually I read you did a clear out didn't you. Do not overdo it at the gym, add more walking, climb more stairs if there are any at work or elsewhere. Walk up escalators. when I used to work in London I walked fast up those escalators, was like a workout by the time I got all three done. My sister loves yoga, never done it myself, but been addicted to fitness classes or just running on treadmill.

So you are clear on a few things; he breached your trust in an unforgiveable way, so no going back no matter what. WELL DONE !!

His cruel words can only hurt you while you value his opinion, of course people we let in on the inside are the only ones that can really hurt us. So as you let him go, you push him back to the outside and now you demote him. Every day in every way you get stronger and stronger while he gets more and more pathetic. In fact so pathetic that you find yourself not even caring, he is the past and becoming more distant in the rear view mirror as to drive on into your future, a future on YOUR terms.

I think it is actually OK to write him a letter, but then to celebrate burning it so you are never tempted to send it. It is just an exercise gets your feeling out.

You could read some books on relationships, plenty around, men are from mars, men lie women cry

Your New York story shows that he is fundamentally not capable of sharing, A giving person takes pleasure in fulfilling their partner, it could be the smallest thing but if they know you always had the desire, how could they not be there to share it?

I think the important thing is that you make sure you have firm friendships with your girlfriends, I see you have your work friends and you have a kind of image with them. You need a few with whom you can be just you, did -X seem to put off your friends? At the beginning of thread you seemed to define yourself as being his other half. Moving forward you have to recognise that you are having your own journey, of course it is lovely to share your life, to feel able to lean on each other but you must take as much as you give. Of course to do that you need someone who is capable of giving!! Anyway you are a while away from being ready for that. This is a time for establishing YOUR NEEDS, new hobbies or interests where there was not time before.

I find volunteering is very rewarding, it can be an hour a week befriending for AgeUK or Mental Health Charities or just local stuff. It is giving but low risk if that makes sense. It also puts you into a new circle of people with no knowledge of your current situation.

You know it could have been a lot worse, you have no kids together so you can make a clean break and heal sooner, with kids you are joined at the hip and you have to put the needs of kids first. He could have had an affair and that would have been more painful, you could have been financially tied or you could have been made homeless by the split. So whilst the world has fallen out from under you and I am not underestimating how hurt you feel, we sometimes have to think how bad it could have been,

I am pleased to hear you are seeing Ms Envelope, people like that can develop into good friends, they are few and far between.

Meeting her out of work will enable you to find out more about her and her life, she seems to be very sensible, sensitive and strong.

Enjoy that burger!!

:mad::mad::mad::mad::mad:Ive let myself down badly today:mad::mad::mad::mad:

I came home form work after a hellish day and as soon as I arrived home I crashed out on the settee,,the phone ringing woke me up so I answered it......it was his step mother:(
(Why the hell did I answer it without checking the number first?)

She asked me if I was ok and I said "yes I'm fine".She then told me she had been speaking to her precious son and he is desperate to reassure me that he has never cheated on me in the 14 years we were together.,she said he wants me to know this.He told her her that he had tried to talk to me to reassure me(so that must of been that one single text he sent me at midnight)but that I refused to talk.

I saw red:mad:

I told her I don't give a flying f*** if he cheated on me or not, all I wanted was a explanation on why, after 14 years he suddenly decided he wanted a different life and my anger is based on the fact he was still living with me while he didn't love me.I told her all I wanted was a explanation and some honesty for once in his life and I got neither off him.

She kept on going on about him never cheating on me and I kept on saying I didn't give a dam if he did or didn't.Then she repeated"but he wants to see you to reassure you" and I told her he only wants to see me to throw more cruel words at me to make him feel better and she said that's not true.I finally flipped when she said she has "advised" him to leave it a few weeks then come and see me when I'm not as angry.She told me hes not happy in the house because its a tiny thing and its in the middle of a council estate(NOWT FRIKKIN WRONG WITH THAT!!)

That's when I flipped good style:(

I told her I never want to see the jerk ever again,I never want to see his face or speak to him.I want him out of my life completely and basically if he does come knocking on my door then without doubt he will be over the balcony(I live in a flat)
Why oh why did I show her this side of me??a side that I didn't think was inside me??

Her parting words were "I can see you still love him otherwise you wouldn't be as angry as you are,maybe you should just concentrate on making yourself happy" I WAS UNTIL YOU RANG,GGRRRHHH.

Now more than a hour later I'm kicking myself for not checking first who was ringing me,the call woke me up but that's no excuse for not checking first.I just wish I could of stayed calm but her words angered me in a way I didn't think possible.

Now the control is back with him because without doubt she will tell him what I said.I can be such a idiot

annandale

Control isn't back with him.

She's not the person who deserves your anger.

It takes time to get over a relationship. Its not going to happen in weeks

Primrose

Well you learned another lesson today. Always screen your phone calls before responding when you're in a situation with people you don't want to talk to.
Actually do you think his stepmother deserves an apology? You know the old saying, "Don't shoot the messenger!"
It probably took a certain amount of courage on her part to ring you knowing the acrimony of the split between her stepson and yourself.