OH been accused of having an affair

MilkNoSugar

Tiddlywinks as a long time user of this site yourself I find your comment both unuseful, condescending, and unnecessary. If I had used my usual username I suspect you may have been nicer in your approach, at least I'd like to think so. I know there's a saying on here about not feeding the troll, but I'm afraid your lack of sensitivity on a hellish day have made me feel I had to!

For the record, OH has never had a facebook account. He had a twitter account with few followers, which I suggested he join as a way of 'getting with the times' and as a useful way to get news and sport updates. Whatsapp had initially been used to communicate with 2 of our adult children, and snapchat was another that myself and our children all use, and encouraged him to get. What I hadn't bargained for was him allowing colleagues to become connected on them. To appease me, and to be respectful to my demands, he has agreed to my demands. He is attempting to put things right, and make amends anyway he can, understandably. I've found him sharing pictures in gym gear for all and sundry somewhat of a mystery myself, as I've said to him tonight, since he isn't the sort to dress ordinarily in a way that would garner attention, say, or flaunt his looks. His usual look is jeans and tshirt, not muscle top etc.

As for the police officer neighbour here's a link to a site that answers the very question about getting involved in another county in the country.

all the w's ukpoliceonline.co.uk/index.php?/topic/34893-off-duty-powers/

The fact that copper was in his pyjamas at the time (it was still dark outside this morning) has his children in the nearby house, and that he'd asked my OH if he wanted assistance, I think he did what he felt was necessary. Intervention would not have diffused the situation any quicker, in fact on reflection it would have probably escalated matters. The policeman did not witness the man hitting my OH, but probably has the skill-set to evaluate a situation he needs to get involved with without asking anyway?

May I also point out I refer to my stupid OH as OH, not DH for a reason.

Sleazy, I appreciate your comments. OH is usually very nice, very tolerant, and this has all come as a side of him that I would never have credited him for. I wonder if it's since being at this latest workplace he is in? I have pointed all of this out to him. He's not had an easy ride, nor will he for the time being. I still cannot believe that this has happened to us today!:eek:

Loz01

IMO it is wrong to have work colleagues on snapchat, why on earth do you need to snapchat people if you merely work in the same office as them. I work with some very nice people but we don't connect on social media at all, I wouldn't dream of adding them to my twitter,for example.

Either way he's obviously realised what a mistake it was to get this far into the situation and has now tried to resolve it by changing his number etc... not sure theres an awful lot more he can do at the mo. He needs to lie low a bit and let the storm pass.

Lrimas

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

This just gets more incredible (as in unbelievable) as you go along.

Police officers are servants of the crown... they are duty bound to act regardless of the 'district'.

Secondly, this was not a 'domestic' it was a breach of the peace resulting in a violent assault - are you really suggesting an officer just stood and watched?

Finally - the social media accounts - so, your narcissistic husband just agreed to not use any social media again??? No piccies of his muscles on Snapchat??? No gym bunnie pictures on Facebook???

Yeah, right.

I was punched once. I tried to break up a fight between a friend of mine and some random guy and the guy struck me instead.

I was lying on the floor crying and a policeman who'd seen it all came over to help me up and asked me if I was OK. He also asked if I wanted to press charges.

I replied that I was OK but did not want to press charges and that was the end of it.

(I did phone in sick the next day though. The boys at work thought it was really funny as I was a fairly pretty 24 year old girl and the last person they expected to skip work due to being punched )

Gavin83

MilkNoSugar wrote: »

The man also showed me a very personal picture of male and female 'nether regions', and asked if I recognised the male 'member'. I have to say, unless it's unusual, from the angle it was at, I couldn't say I'd know who's it was.

Seriously? I reckon I could pick a photo of my girlfriends vagina amongst 100 others. Surely any long term couple could? They are fairly unique organs after all.

Thinkthin

He's bemused as to how he could possibly have even found time for a supposed affair, since we spend all our time outside of work together, and he sends me messages and pictures from the gym when he's there, and tells me about the conversations he's had with his mates there.

Hi
I feel your pain and your trust must be shot to hell.
Why didnt he tell you about the text convos with her when he told you about chats he has with his mates at the gym?

I find it difficult to trust and my current partner is sailing close to the wind because of texting other women.

Good luck

elsien

You've been together for years. You've never had any reason to doubt him. Then a random person shows up on the doorstep and you're suddenly into the realms of deleting social media, phone contacts and making him change his phone number? Sounds like overkill to me if the relationship really was that good to start with.

cashewnut

You've been together "over a dozen years" but also have adult children together...?

FBaby

She had kept his contact details from work (all staff have his number, it's part of his job) and about a month ago texted him to say she was seeing an ex boyfriend, was too scared to leave the ex, because she feared he may kill her if he found out, and was asking his advice. This is why the texts refer to an affair she is having, but husband seems to have thought it was their affair. He admits he didn't tell me about her texting him because he thought it would look odd, and I probably wouldn't approve.

So the explanation is plausible if unusual, but even going to the extreme of deleting EVERY single text? Not even mentioning to you anything at all about her and her situation? Does he never talk about anything his colleagues or 'friends' are up to with you, even if not giving all the details? Not a 'oh, one of my colleagues has admitted she is having an affair but I'm concerned because she says her husband is abusive' type of conversation?

OH has accepted that by allowing himself to get involved he has allowed this situation to develop, and he never imagined that offering the advice would end up with the guy confronting him. He thinks the bloke couldn't have found evidence on her phone of the other man involved, and the man did say he'd found the texts and picture in her recycle folder.

So this picture, was it sent as part of a text/snapshat? Because it is becoming totally risible if it was from her to your OH or vice versa.

OH has agreed that he will have a new telephone number and only his manager at work will be allowed to have it. He was prepared to allow me to take his phone, and swap it for a very basic text only one I have. I have had a look through his phone, but did point out he'd had all day to have deleted anything he may not want me to see, so it was probably not worth the effort, but I asked and looked all the same.

Ironically, in your situation, this would make me very suspicious rather than reassure me because why should he take actions as a guilty person if he did nothing wrong at all? Again I would have expected him to be angry at the situation and to react in a 'why should I go to the trouble to change my mobile because that idiot drew the wrong conclusions but I've learned my lesson and the girls can forget about me ever trying to advise them about their personal life' rather than 'oh, I'll change my phone and make sure no-one can contact me at all'. It seems to be all about how the situation is impacting on you and nothing about how it affected him, which is normally the response of someone guilty rather than innocent.

As for the Police being next door.... As others, I can't imagine any police officer witnessing someone being hit not once or twice but three times not intervening at all, at least calling a local officer even if told not to. So either he wasn't there to see that part, or your OH has vastly exagerated the 'hitting me three times'.

As others have said, how did the husband knew where to come and knock on his door? Hasn't your OH looked into it because again, the expected actions of an innocent person would be to find exactly that.

I'm sorry OP but my perspective is that he has been digging a hole for himself rather than the other way around with his explanation and it would have left me much more suspicious than after the event because of the inconsistencies in his words and behaviour.

FBaby

And another thought. If indeed the affair was with the ex, I expect the husband will go and speak to him next and at some point, the truth will come out and you'll be able to rest your mind... or the opposite if indeed, this never happens.

Pollycat

MilkNoSugar wrote: »

I am a long-standing MSE member

MilkNoSugar wrote: »

TIDDLYWINKS I have offered plenty of advice on these forums in the past 10 yrs.

If the first 2 statements are accurate, I'm surprised to read this one:

MilkNoSugar wrote: »

I wasn't expecting to have people trying to work out my 'real' username identity,

From what you've said, your other half has a very high opinon of himself and is/was on the verge of finding himself in trouble - and I mean a bit more than a few punches on the doorstep.

I think this is one of the most worrying things that you have posted:

MilkNoSugar wrote: »

He admits he didn't tell me about her texting him because he thought it would look odd, and I probably wouldn't approve.

That is sly and underhand and would make me question how trustworthy he really is.

He doesn't mean 'probably', he was damn sure that you wouldn't approve and that's why he didn't tell you.