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OH been accused of having an affair
MilkNoSugar
Posts: 12 Forumite
For obvious reasons, I have created a new user name, however I am a long-standing MSE member, but do not feel I can post this under my usual name. Apologies in advance if this is a bit garbled, but I'm very confused ATM.
Very early this morning a man hammered on our door. My OH was already up getting ready for work, and answered it. I then heard raised voices, and thought there was an emergency, so I came downstairs to discover this fella shouting at my OH, saying that he has been having an affair with his wife (and ex colleague of my OH). OH said the man hit him 3 times, but he didn't retaliate.
The man showed me photos on his phone that he had from his wife's phone. One was a pic of my OH taken when we were on holiday together in his shorts (he says it is his Whatsapp profile picture). There were screen grabs of text conversations between her and my OH about her relationship, and an affair she was having. The man also showed me a very personal picture of male and female 'nether regions', and asked if I recognised the male 'member'. I have to say, unless it's unusual, from the angle it was at, I couldn't say I'd know who's it was. My OH explained to the guy what had happened, why he'd messaged his wife, and that he needed to go home and speak to her, because it was her ex she had been seeing, not him. That he'd not sent her pictures, and he had no idea how she had the picture of him at the gym on there, but the others were not of him.
OH and I only had a few minutes before he had to leave for work to discuss this, and have exchanged some texts this morning. He says that the woman left his work over a year ago. She was either known to be, or had confided to him that she was having an affair with her ex, and wasn't sure what to do about it, as she thought someone had told her husband. For some reason, my OH seems to have been contacted for his advice. Her husband is violent, and she didn't know how to handle things.
My OH didn't know how she got the picture of him from our holiday, but later texted to say it was his Watsapp profile pic. Initially he thought one of his other colleagues may have shared it from his snapchat or twitter (I checked both and the image wasn't on there, but he had texted the same one to me while I was on the beach on holiday when he was going to the hotel gym). He did admit that she had fancied him while they were at work. When I questioned why anyone would have pictures of him, he said the ladies at work think he's sexy, and that he's flattered by the boost to his ego. I pointed out that is my job to do that, not theirs.
This has totally thrown me. We have been in a long-standing relationship of over a dozen years and I have never had to question his fidelity to me. However, he works in an environment where 80%+ of the workforce are female, not all of them from the nicest of families or backgrounds. He looks very good for his age, with an enviable physique, that belies his age. I have not been comfortable in the past year or so with the level of contact he has with some of his colleagues. They follow him on his Snapchat, Whatsapp, Twitter, etc. He frequently receives phone calls out of hours asking him to go into work to sort out problems, which he complains about and has refused to do for most of this year, because he doesn't get paid enough.
I do think he has seen himself in the role of confidant, and fatherly figure, and he has shared with me many stories about things going on with his colleagues, their lives, and advice he's given etc. I also think he's enjoyed the ego boosting comments his physique gets him.
I have voiced my concerns in past months about the level of contact, not liking the fact these colleagues feel comfortable texting him and contacting him outside of work. We have been out for the day and he's been getting snapchats from one of the younger ladies with updates of her day out with friends. While we were on holiday abroad he constantly updated his snapchat story, and a lot of the pictures he posted were selfies of himself getting ready for the beach, or on the way to/in the gym. I am also on Snapchat, and asked him not to share quite so many pictures, and pointed out it wasn't appropriate, given that he'd got a couple of work colleagues who could see it. He agreed, and kept it more light hearted from thereon, as our family back home were enjoying following the Snapchat stories back home.
I'm not a majorly insecure person, so I've never really felt he would stray or want to be with anyone else. I know my own self worth, I'm a good person, have loved him unconditionally and we are generally very happy and loving.
Ultimately I do not know what to do. He has apologised for bringing crap to our door, but denies any involvement with this woman. I did point out he was unlikely to say anything but that though.
My initial reaction was that the bloke hammering on our door had got the wrong person, that it couldn't be my OH. The issue is that I've been thinking about it for hours now, and have no idea what to think. It just seems so ridiculous, and why on earth would he have even entertained discussing something with this woman, when he has little time for his own friends?! That's the bit that makes me suspicious, but then I'm concerned I'm trying to look for it, just to back up what this other man has said.
Very early this morning a man hammered on our door. My OH was already up getting ready for work, and answered it. I then heard raised voices, and thought there was an emergency, so I came downstairs to discover this fella shouting at my OH, saying that he has been having an affair with his wife (and ex colleague of my OH). OH said the man hit him 3 times, but he didn't retaliate.
The man showed me photos on his phone that he had from his wife's phone. One was a pic of my OH taken when we were on holiday together in his shorts (he says it is his Whatsapp profile picture). There were screen grabs of text conversations between her and my OH about her relationship, and an affair she was having. The man also showed me a very personal picture of male and female 'nether regions', and asked if I recognised the male 'member'. I have to say, unless it's unusual, from the angle it was at, I couldn't say I'd know who's it was. My OH explained to the guy what had happened, why he'd messaged his wife, and that he needed to go home and speak to her, because it was her ex she had been seeing, not him. That he'd not sent her pictures, and he had no idea how she had the picture of him at the gym on there, but the others were not of him.
OH and I only had a few minutes before he had to leave for work to discuss this, and have exchanged some texts this morning. He says that the woman left his work over a year ago. She was either known to be, or had confided to him that she was having an affair with her ex, and wasn't sure what to do about it, as she thought someone had told her husband. For some reason, my OH seems to have been contacted for his advice. Her husband is violent, and she didn't know how to handle things.
My OH didn't know how she got the picture of him from our holiday, but later texted to say it was his Watsapp profile pic. Initially he thought one of his other colleagues may have shared it from his snapchat or twitter (I checked both and the image wasn't on there, but he had texted the same one to me while I was on the beach on holiday when he was going to the hotel gym). He did admit that she had fancied him while they were at work. When I questioned why anyone would have pictures of him, he said the ladies at work think he's sexy, and that he's flattered by the boost to his ego. I pointed out that is my job to do that, not theirs.
This has totally thrown me. We have been in a long-standing relationship of over a dozen years and I have never had to question his fidelity to me. However, he works in an environment where 80%+ of the workforce are female, not all of them from the nicest of families or backgrounds. He looks very good for his age, with an enviable physique, that belies his age. I have not been comfortable in the past year or so with the level of contact he has with some of his colleagues. They follow him on his Snapchat, Whatsapp, Twitter, etc. He frequently receives phone calls out of hours asking him to go into work to sort out problems, which he complains about and has refused to do for most of this year, because he doesn't get paid enough.
I do think he has seen himself in the role of confidant, and fatherly figure, and he has shared with me many stories about things going on with his colleagues, their lives, and advice he's given etc. I also think he's enjoyed the ego boosting comments his physique gets him.
I have voiced my concerns in past months about the level of contact, not liking the fact these colleagues feel comfortable texting him and contacting him outside of work. We have been out for the day and he's been getting snapchats from one of the younger ladies with updates of her day out with friends. While we were on holiday abroad he constantly updated his snapchat story, and a lot of the pictures he posted were selfies of himself getting ready for the beach, or on the way to/in the gym. I am also on Snapchat, and asked him not to share quite so many pictures, and pointed out it wasn't appropriate, given that he'd got a couple of work colleagues who could see it. He agreed, and kept it more light hearted from thereon, as our family back home were enjoying following the Snapchat stories back home.
I'm not a majorly insecure person, so I've never really felt he would stray or want to be with anyone else. I know my own self worth, I'm a good person, have loved him unconditionally and we are generally very happy and loving.
Ultimately I do not know what to do. He has apologised for bringing crap to our door, but denies any involvement with this woman. I did point out he was unlikely to say anything but that though.
My initial reaction was that the bloke hammering on our door had got the wrong person, that it couldn't be my OH. The issue is that I've been thinking about it for hours now, and have no idea what to think. It just seems so ridiculous, and why on earth would he have even entertained discussing something with this woman, when he has little time for his own friends?! That's the bit that makes me suspicious, but then I'm concerned I'm trying to look for it, just to back up what this other man has said.
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Comments
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You need to talk to him and if possible her.
A relationship is based on trust and this would shock anyone. They are the only two people who can tell you the truth so ask.
P.s good luck I can not imagine how you are feeling so be strong and talk to him.Happiness, Health and Wealth in that order please!:A0 -
..because we hear this story (in many variations) so many times ......0
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You need to talk to him and if possible her.
A relationship is based on trust and this would shock anyone. They are the only two people who can tell you the truth so ask.
P.s good luck I can not imagine how you are feeling so be strong and talk to him.
^^^^ This: speculating on the identity of the OP will get nowhere, we have to believe that, without evidence to the contrary, she is telling the truth.
OP, if this is a true post, your best move would be to try to engineer a 3-way meet between your OH, the woman and yourself. Somewhere that is not known to either of you. Sit down, thrash this out and prove the truth or otherwise of your OH's words.
I have two questions:
* Why did your OH not request police involvement to deal with this violent man?
* Is it not obvious to you that your OH has a vain, narcissistic nature? He may be more in love with his own self-image, than with you.I think this job really needs
a much bigger hammer.
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What was his misdemeanor thought it all? Was he a bit stung but relaxed, willing to talk about it and quick to come up with facts, or did he act flustered, either unwilling to discuss the matter, or seeming to be thinking very fast and desperately to come up with facts?
From what you've described, my gut feeling is that he is telling the truth, but that would very much depend on how he has been acting. In the end, I don't think there is anything wrong with being friendly to the level you describe with colleagues, it is similar to how it is in our office. I do get how you would be questioning things though and feeling insecure. How you move forward depends on your personality. Personally, I would chose to believe my OH, but would be on high alert for any sign that he was/had been lying. In the end, most cheats do get caught.0 -
Make time this evening to prioritise each other and talk this out fully. Get everything out into the open. You know him best and will soon see if he is being straight with you. Good luck.The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own, no apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.0
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How did the other bloke know where to come to see your OH ? Surely the other woman must have told him ? Why would she do that if she was having an affair with her ex ?0
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The fact he didn't call the police is IMO very suggestive, unfortunately.0
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Having been punched, I can vouch for the possibility that you just freeze in surprise, with a sort of internal conversation "did that just happen?" "really?" "are you sure?" "look, I'll just lean on this for a minute".
It's not supposed to happen that way with blokes, but hey, being accused by a stranger of having it away with his missus whilst your own is in earshot isn't usually in the Westerns either.
Feed the chap, OP, then have a long thoughtful listen.
Very best of luck.0
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