OH been accused of having an affair

Primrose

How old is your husband?
It does sound as if your husband might be rather vain and whether he has had an affair or not, his behaviour and high dependence on social media makes him sound like a teenager seeking the approval and admiration of his peers, rather than a man of mature age.

I suggest he immediately disconnects himself from all social media to avoid possible accusations in future and that the pair of you sit down as soon as possible and discuss what is and is not appropriate behaviour for somebody of his age.

Probably none of this nonsense would have occurred if his persona hadn't been so widely available on Facebook etc. Exposing himself so widely in this way probably exposed him to all kinds of behaviour from those who seem to live their lives dependant on this type of media, rather than the real world.

Whether he is guilty of an affair or not only you can decide but if he's innocent, becoming more at arms length from work colleagues may be a sensible step to take to avoid getting caught up in such accusations again.

Mupette

thorsoak wrote: »

..because we hear this story (in many variations) so many times ......

what ever happened to Bluelass

meer53

AnotherJoe wrote: »

The fact he didn't call the police is IMO very suggestive, unfortunately.

Then, after the bloke had punched him 3 times, he went to work ? Thats not normal, surely ?

JReacher1

meer53 wrote: »

Then, after the bloke had punched him 3 times, he went to work ? Thats not normal, surely ?

Unless he was seriously hurt I don't see why he wouldn't go to work after being punched.

It'll be an awkward sick call to make "I'm off today as some bloke punched me as he said I was sleeping with his wife"

MilkNoSugar

thank you for (most of) the responses
I wasn't expecting to have people trying to work out my 'real' username identity, and thought I had explained the reasons why in my OP. Why, if I didn't want to reveal my usual name would that be your go to response? I'm using a nom de plume for a valid reason, however I accept that there may be other regular drama queens out there, but believe me, this is the first time this has happened to me.

I am shocked, and embarrassed that my OH has embroiled himself in such an almighty sh!tstorm, and brought it to my front door!

I can assure you that I have almost 3k posts elsewhere on the forums with 8k of thanks, and have frequently contributed on this part of the forum in recent years. I have not posted for quite some months.

POPPYOSCAR the chap hitting him was considerably smaller, and OH was concerned about a) doing the chap some real harm - remember he goes to the gym alot and is very strong, and b) trying to get across to him that he had the wrong guy

FBABY Despite feeling bemused about the confrontation, OH immediately admitted he'd had a text conversation with her where she was asking for advice. He admitted he was shallow about the ladies at work liking his muscles, etc., and probably got an ego boost from it. He didn't seem unable to explain, but was confused as to how he was seen as the person in the affair, when the woman had told him it was her ex.

As for the police, our neighbour is one, and was stood on our driveway while it was occurring, and was asked not to intervene. OH was holding a cup of tea at the time, and the guy hit him before he said anything. OH has said that he's more angry now he's had time to think about it, and wants to find out where the guy lives so he can smack him.

UPDATE: So, OH has come home and I have asked him to explain everything.
The woman involved is an ex colleague, who, when they did work together used to come into work bruised, and admitted to him that it was her husband hitting her. OH seems to have taken it upon himself to offer 'fatherly' advice about her getting away from him in the past. She had kept his contact details from work (all staff have his number, it's part of his job) and about a month ago texted him to say she was seeing an ex boyfriend, was too scared to leave the ex, because she feared he may kill her if he found out, and was asking his advice. This is why the texts refer to an affair she is having, but husband seems to have thought it was their affair. He admits he didn't tell me about her texting him because he thought it would look odd, and I probably wouldn't approve.

OH has accepted that by allowing himself to get involved he has allowed this situation to develop, and he never imagined that offering the advice would end up with the guy confronting him. He thinks the bloke couldn't have found evidence on her phone of the other man involved, and the man did say he'd found the texts and picture in her recycle folder.

OH admits it made him feel good to be seen by staff as someone they would seek out for advice, but never imagined it would create this sort of situation.

I have told him in no uncertain terms that he has made me feel as though I cannot trust him, I'm not sure whether I can believe him, and that he had made himself look like a sad old tw4t, especially if he thinks that he should be flaunting his physique at work. Apparently when he walks past a group of women at work it's not unusual for them to shout 'show us your muscles' and he'll show a bicep curl, etc. He thought it was all simply banter, but I pointed out if he were to do the same, but say show us your legs or t!ts it wouldn't been be banter, would it?

OH has agreed that he will have a new telephone number and only his manager at work will be allowed to have it. He was prepared to allow me to take his phone, and swap it for a very basic text only one I have. I have had a look through his phone, but did point out he'd had all day to have deleted anything he may not want me to see, so it was probably not worth the effort, but I asked and looked all the same.

All contact with work colleagues is now out of the question outside of work. I've told him he has to keep things at arms length. I do the same with my work, and I work in a nice office with professional people, but all the same, we do not text one another unless it's to do with being ill and not coming into the office, etc., and none of us are connected on social media, and these are people I get on with very well.

OH also accepts that he's probably made a complete fool out of himself, and that he has been pathetic in looking for anyone else to make him feel better about himself, other than me. It's made him think about that, and he's going to do some soul searching to think why that is. He says he speaks about me a lot at work, and tells them all how much he loves and cares about me, which has even seemed to annoy some of the ladies there in the past, as he's mentioned it before.

He's bemused as to how he could possibly have even found time for a supposed affair, since we spend all our time outside of work together, and he sends me messages and pictures from the gym when he's there, and tells me about the conversations he's had with his mates there.

Therefore, I think I am, for the time being, unless I have any further information, going to err on the side of believing him. My gut instinct was to, and I did think straight off, when the hell did he have the time for this?! However, I have made it perfectly clear I am nobody's fool, and I will not tolerate the friendships, contact, etc.. It may seem like I'm now being a complete control freak, but being laid back and accepting of it all hasn't exactly made things great, so time for a new tactic.

I hope this is an end to it, but if not, and I have any reason for a whiff of suspicion again, he will find his bags packed, and looking to a bunch of sad old slappers for attention rather than me. I believe our children would also disown him if they ever were to find out (after beating the cr3p out of him).

meer53

If he was my husband i'd be embarrassed that he acts like that at work. He sounds like he craves attention, that would worry me, doesn't matter how fit he is or how big his muscles are, why would he need to send you photos when he's at the gym ?

MilkNoSugar

Meer53 Because I find him attractive. I appreciate the hard work he puts in to maintain himself, and I jokingly say that I'm shallow, which is why I am with him.... little did I realise! I have left him under no illusions how pathetic he has behaved, and that he has either been having a mid-life crisis, or his need for attention has got him a punch in the head, and well deservedly. I think the fact he has the body men half his age would like to have makes him proud of his achievements, and was looking for validation. He says the other men he works out with all look for positive comments about their gains/ability, etc., from others, even other men. It's the equivalent of when a woman goes on a diet, goes down 2 dress sizes and likes the flattering comments about how good they look. All the same, little sympathy from me.

Tiddlywinks our neighbour asked if OH wanted him to help/intervene,and came back after when OH was getting in his car to go to work to see if he was OK. He obviously had heard the raised voices, but OH said the punches came first, as he opened the door, then the shouting began. Whilst an officer is never off duty, I'm sure he has said in the past that the fact he works in a different district prevents him getting involved local to us.... in the past he has stepped in with a disturbance further down the street, but local police were called (in that instance I was asked to give a statement because I saw the altercation - police neighbour got punched). Also, from my own working environment, I an assure you that the police are very reluctant to get involved in any domestic/family matter, unless they have to. It is definitely not how it used to once be. Maybe that's due to paperwork?

All social media app accounts now duly deleted. Contacts in his phone deleted, and I am going to organise a new number. I think my blood pressure must be through the roof because I've a raging headache and can feel my heart bashing away.

Primrose

Well it seems the crisis is over and done with. To be fair, perhaps your husband genuinely didn!t foresee that behaving like a teenager in his need for the approval and admiration of others, would get him into such an embarrassing situation.
He! s now had his disciplinary from the headmistress and hopefully things will soon return to normal.

Tiddlywinks

MilkNoSugar wrote: »

Tiddlywinks our neighbour asked if OH wanted him to help/intervene,and came back after when OH was getting in his car to go to work to see if he was OK. He obviously had heard the raised voices, but OH said the punches came first, as he opened the door, then the shouting began. Whilst an officer is never off duty, I'm sure he has said in the past that the fact he works in a different district prevents him getting involved local to us.... in the past he has stepped in with a disturbance further down the street, but local police were called (in that instance I was asked to give a statement because I saw the altercation - police neighbour got punched). Also, from my own working environment, I an assure you that the police are very reluctant to get involved in any domestic/family matter, unless they have to. It is definitely not how it used to once be. Maybe that's due to paperwork?

All social media app accounts now duly deleted.

This just gets more incredible (as in unbelievable) as you go along.

Police officers are servants of the crown... they are duty bound to act regardless of the 'district'.

Secondly, this was not a 'domestic' it was a breach of the peace resulting in a violent assault - are you really suggesting an officer just stood and watched?

Finally - the social media accounts - so, your narcissistic husband just agreed to not use any social media again??? No piccies of his muscles on Snapchat??? No gym bunnie pictures on Facebook???

Yeah, right.

[Deleted User]

Maybe he didn't retaliate because:
a) He's a nice guy and wasn't seriously injured;
b) He believes in 'turning the other cheek', especially in this season of supposedly goodwill;

Credit to your husband for not retaliating for whatever reason I say .