OH been accused of having an affair

meer53

Having been lied to and cheated on by my ex, i think the OP should be very wary. From what she's already said, it all sounds suspect and doesnt add up. He probably thinks he's dodged a bullet this time, hopefully he will change.

Diary

OP has your boyfriend always been like this? It sounds like he might be a bit down and has become attention seeking. He behaviour is peculiar, texting or social media so many while you're on holiday is particularly worrying. I would have a gentle chat with him about how he feels about himself deep down.

I don't know how old he is but if he has adult children he's probably in his forties and from what you've said his behaviour is very childish and if this is recent needs investigating in a kind way.

Good luck.

hazyjo

If I was accused of having an affair and my OH wanted me to delete all my social media accounts, I'd tell him where to go if I was innocent. If he really wanted to, I'd let him access them - give him the passwords, but I would be furious.


You can usually tell if someone is being defensive and reasoning (guilty), or angry (innocent). Not always easy to work out, but if you know the person well enough, it is. Didn't spot my first husband's infidelity, but looking back now, his reactions were of a guilty man, not an innocent one. I just didn't believe it.


Jx

MilkNoSugar

FBaby wrote: »

And another thought. If indeed the affair was with the ex, I expect the husband will go and speak to him next and at some point, the truth will come out and you'll be able to rest your mind... or the opposite if indeed, this never happens.

OH was feeling more angry last night about the whole thing, plus the guy hitting him as the door was opened. He doesn't know where they live, other than a general area of town (large new estate), but he now knows his car, and says he is going to pay him a visit. He hadn't had any contact with the woman after she left work a year or so ago, until she messaged him (so he says).

Pollycat wrote: »

If the first 2 statements are accurate, I'm surprised to read this one:


From what you've said, your other half has a very high opinon of himself and is/was on the verge of finding himself in trouble - and I mean a bit more than a few punches on the doorstep.

I think this is one of the most worrying things that you have posted:

That is sly and underhand and would make me question how trustworthy he really is.

He doesn't mean 'probably', he was damn sure that you wouldn't approve and that's why he didn't tell you.

Maybe I've just been away from these forums for too long? It's taken me this long to figure out how to multi-quote again!

I agree, it strikes me as very underhand and sly. I think he knew full well how I would have reacted. I'd have thought it peculiar, and would have questioned why he was being contacted or even felt like he wanted to get involved. He admitted this was why he didn't tell me, thought it would just be dealt with and not crop up again.

He's clearly been feeling very pleased with himself and how he looks, which isn't something I would have accused him of previously. I had noticed this change, but suspect it may have something to do with him having passed a milestone birthday, and I think he's struggling with the idea of being old.

Diary wrote: »

OP has your boyfriend always been like this? It sounds like he might be a bit down and has become attention seeking. He behaviour is peculiar, texting or social media so many while you're on holiday is particularly worrying. I would have a gentle chat with him about how he feels about himself deep down.

I don't know how old he is but if he has adult children he's probably in his forties and from what you've said his behaviour is very childish and if this is recent needs investigating in a kind way.

Good luck.

I did say much the same to him last night. He clearly has a problem, and my guess it's with turning 50. He may not look it, but I think he's beginning to feel it. He seems to have revelled in the wise man being sought out for advice. I think it's made him feel important. On reflection, at home I'm usually the one with the solutions, ideas and words of advice, so perhaps this was a place where he could do that without being overshadowed by me? Who knows.... I don't even think he has an answer to that, but perhaps a psychologist would?

MilkNoSugar

elsien wrote: »

You've been together for years. You've never had any reason to doubt him. Then a random person shows up on the doorstep and you're suddenly into the realms of deleting social media, phone contacts and making him change his phone number? Sounds like overkill to me if the relationship really was that good to start with.

Overkill or not, that's what I have insisted on. His phone number is available to any of the people he as worked with over the years. It's written on a 'who to call' sheet for staff including the workplace management, due to the nature of his role. His workplace is open 24/7. I'm reluctant to give much more info, as I'm attempting to not identify myself/us IYKWIM. sorry!

As I see it, if he has a new number, it prevents anyone who might have kept his number from work being able to still contact him, because even though this person wasn't stored in his phone, they were still able to text him a year after they left the workplace. He could block the number, but then what about the 200+ other work colleagues who may want to contact him? I know one of the management team, and OH is going to speak to them about his new number not being readily available. It's not really necessary, as the chain of command should be that the managers are called first, but they've taken to bypassing them, and calling him directly (because he lives closer to work, and more inclined to turn up to resolve an issue). The fact is, they don't actually need to be able to contact him directly.

I am not connected with work colleagues on social media, or Snapchat. I see that those are for actual friends, or following news/celebs/sports, etc. I know Twitter can involve loads of randoms, James Blunt and the Potty Mouthed Queen to name a couple, but again, it's not really somewhere for colleagues, especially if you aren't actual friends, or don't socialise outside of work.

cashewnut wrote: »

You've been together "over a dozen years" but also have adult children together...?

I was widowed in my 30's with young children. OH has had previous relationship with children. We have been together a considerable amount of time, whereby he has taken the role of father to my children. I see that we have a family, not his/my children, they are our's. We have adult children because we are a couple in our 50's, they may not be biologically 'our's', but they are our children.

FBaby wrote: »

So the explanation is plausible if unusual, but even going to the extreme of deleting EVERY single text? Not even mentioning to you anything at all about her and her situation? Does he never talk about anything his colleagues or 'friends' are up to with you, even if not giving all the details? Not a 'oh, one of my colleagues has admitted she is having an affair but I'm concerned because she says her husband is abusive' type of conversation?

The deletion of texts I have a problem with. However, OH doesn't keep all old texts on his phone like I do, and he never has TBH. I do recall him mentioning this couple back when she worked with him. He told me about her bruises, and that she had admitted to him that her husband was violent, but was too afraid to leave. She had tried before, but he had threatened her enough to make her go back. I do also recall OH got chatting to her partly because we'd had an accident in one of our vehicles, her husband works in car repairs, or whatever it's called when they fix up crashed cars. She'd said he could help if we weren't going through insurance. OH found out about the fact he was abusive, and also that he did the work 'on the side' drink drives, etc. and is a general Ahole, so didn't want to put £ this guy's way. That bit I do remember.

He does talk about his work colleagues a lot of the time, I do too. It's what you do when you're with other people a good chunk of the day. There's always some kind of drama going on either at his or mine. Office politics, restructures, gossip, etc.

So this picture, was it sent as part of a text/snapshat? Because it is becoming totally risible if it was from her to your OH or vice versa.

No, it's been his Whatsapp profile picture, which anyone can see if they have you in their contacts list, and then go into the app

Ironically, in your situation, this would make me very suspicious rather than reassure me because why should he take actions as a guilty person if he did nothing wrong at all? Again I would have expected him to be angry at the situation and to react in a 'why should I go to the trouble to change my mobile because that idiot drew the wrong conclusions but I've learned my lesson and the girls can forget about me ever trying to advise them about their personal life' rather than 'oh, I'll change my phone and make sure no-one can contact me at all'. It seems to be all about how the situation is impacting on you and nothing about how it affected him, which is normally the response of someone guilty rather than innocent.

I think he is sorry for bringing this crap to our door. I've not had a brilliant time of things recently with a couple of our children. Only a week ago I was in the hospital with one of them. I think he's going to do whatever it takes to just appease me, make me feel reassured. If he had stuck his heels in and wanted to keep any of it, I would have been more suspicious. Why want to hang on to something if it's supposed to not be important?

As for the Police being next door.... As others, I can't imagine any police officer witnessing someone being hit not once or twice but three times not intervening at all, at least calling a local officer even if told not to. So either he wasn't there to see that part, or your OH has vastly exagerated the 'hitting me three times'.

I keep stating it: the policeman did NOT witness the punches. OH opened the door. Guy smacks him on the head 3 times. OH still holding his cup of tea is totally bemused, didn't recognise the fella, and the guy then started shouting. That is when the policeman appeared on our driveway (our doors are not on the front of the houses, he couldn't see this from his windows or doorway, he had to walk around).

As others have said, how did the husband knew where to come and knock on his door? Hasn't your OH looked into it because again, the expected actions of an innocent person would be to find exactly that.

This bit we do not know. The only thing OH can assume is that the man remembered our damaged vehicle? It is parked on our drive, he could have seen it any time over the past year or more since then. We live on a through road in town, it's not unlikely he or the vehicle would have been spotted over time, but that's all he could guess.

I'm sorry OP but my perspective is that he has been digging a hole for himself rather than the other way around with his explanation and it would have left me much more suspicious than after the event because of the inconsistencies in his words and behaviour.

I'm still not happy. I have had a very sleepless night, and just cannot get over the deceit of it all. Regardless, I do not understand why he didn't tell me, and that's the bit that I cannot get over.

Mojisola

MilkNoSugar wrote: »

OH was feeling more angry last night about the whole thing, plus the guy hitting him as the door was opened.

He doesn't know where they live, other than a general area of town (large new estate), but he now knows his car, and says he is going to pay him a visit.

Unless you want your OH to end up in the police cells, discourage him from doing this.

MilkNoSugar

Mojisola wrote: »

Unless you want your OH to end up in the police cells, discourage him from doing this.

I have. I don't see that it will resolve the matter. I think he feels that the guy took advantage of taking him by surprise. All he kept saying to the guy was that he had the wrong bloke, go speak to his missus, because it's her ex, not him. I think his macho pride has been dented, plus this fella seems keen to hit anyone, including women. I've pointed out that he could just report him for hitting him, and that would be a better way to get him his just desserts. However, as the neighbour didn't see the punches, it's one word against another, no proof, and the police are unlikely to press any charges. One of my children was knocked off his bicycle by a car years ago, and they wouldn't press charges against the driver for that, despite the fact they drove into him at a red traffic light!

FBaby

Do you realise that every question you choose to respond to you do so in putting him in a victim role and almost feeling sorry for him? This is usually exactly what liars do because once you take that approach you end up convincing yourself that they can only be innocent. Job done.

There are so many inconsistencies that shouldn't be there if he was totally honest but instead of looking at them with a ' yes that doesn't make sense' you take a ' ha but' approach.

Do you really think it usual that he would naturally telling you about her and her issues with her marriage or random things like car repairs but that despite his significant involvement considering the number of texts exchanged over some time in her revelation that she was having an affair he would have said nothing at all about it to you. Not once? Not all these time he was deleting his texts? This alone screams that he was purposely keeping it from you. Why?

The other massive alarm bell is that he is not only so concern about how this is impacting on you but he is directing his anger towards the husband (the one he would have got to hate if he believed and sympathised with her stories) but yet expressing no anger towards the real culprit, the one person that really caused all the trouble HER.

Surely be has her number still so why didn't he called her right away and said !!!!!! was your husband doing here. It's caused trouble with my partner so you better tell her right away that nothing ever happened between you and I and you better come clean to your husband that it had nothing to do with me. And by the way you might want to warn your boyfriend he's on his way there because I told him the truth'....but he didn't....

I am not clear whether they had a proper affair but I'm now convinced something was going on. After all why would she download a picture of him in his trunk when she could see it anytime she went on WhatsApp... It just doesn't hold.

catkins

Loz01 wrote: »

IMO it is wrong to have work colleagues on snapchat, why on earth do you need to snapchat people if you merely work in the same office as them. I work with some very nice people but we don't connect on social media at all, I wouldn't dream of adding them to my twitter,for example.

Either way he's obviously realised what a mistake it was to get this far into the situation and has now tried to resolve it by changing his number etc... not sure theres an awful lot more he can do at the mo. He needs to lie low a bit and let the storm pass.

Lots of people work with people that they are friends with on social media.

Most of the people I work with are friends on facebook and seem to speak to each other on there fairly often

MilkNoSugar

FBaby wrote: »

Do you realise that every question you choose to respond to you do so in putting him in a victim role and almost feeling sorry for him? This is usually exactly what liars do because once you take that approach you end up convincing yourself that they can only be innocent. Job done.

There are so many inconsistencies that shouldn't be there if he was totally honest but instead of looking at them with a ' yes that doesn't make sense' you take a ' ha but' approach.

Do you really think it usual that he would naturally telling you about her and her issues with her marriage or random things like car repairs but that despite his significant involvement considering the number of texts exchanged over some time in her revelation that she was having an affair he would have said nothing at all about it to you. Not once? Not all these time he was deleting his texts? This alone screams that he was purposely keeping it from you. Why?

The other massive alarm bell is that he is not only so concern about how this is impacting on you but he is directing his anger towards the husband (the one he would have got to hate if he believed and sympathised with her stories) but yet expressing no anger towards the real culprit, the one person that really caused all the trouble HER.

Surely be has her number still so why didn't he called her right away and said !!!!!! was your husband doing here. It's caused trouble with my partner so you better tell her right away that nothing ever happened between you and I and you better come clean to your husband that it had nothing to do with me. And by the way you might want to warn your boyfriend he's on his way there because I told him the truth'....but he didn't....

I am not clear whether they had a proper affair but I'm now convinced something was going on. After all why would she download a picture of him in his trunk when she could see it anytime she went on WhatsApp... It just doesn't hold.

I agree with most of what you have said. It doesn't add up why he would keep it to himself, if there wasn't something to hide. He didn't have her number saved in his phone, from the screenshots of the messages the husband showed me, she hadn't saved his number either. If find that suspicious.

I have demanded he come home from work to tell me what is going on. The more I dwell on it, the less I am convinced. I have found her telephone number in his phone bill (I have the accounts in my name, so can see exactly how many texts were sent). I am on the war path, and am not prepared to be made a fool of. If I have to, I will call every number in his bill to find out who everyone is before I am prepared to see him as innocent.