When you don`t want to spoil a dedicated thread

suki1964

lesson learned thinking of you ((((hugs))))

Biggles

Newly_retired wrote: »

I too have got the impression that anyone who is not a widow was not really welcome, however well intentioned, in Kittie's original thread.

Though not a widow, I didn't ask permission but just jumped in. I figured being a widower was near enough. I don't think anybody objected....

Gers

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

Just checked out definition of "ribbing". Equals = good-natured teasing.

Yep...there's plenty of good-natured teasing. Most posters are fine. It's just the odd few on the more "general" threads that every so often come up with a nasty comment - but, when they do, yep...they are nasty.

As I've said I've never read anything I would class as nasty on the the boards I use, your experience is obviously different. However, in a thread devoted to supporting bereaved members the downright mean and nasty comments in the widows thread beggars belief. I am especially referring to those posts about 'the worst day of my life'. There was a LOAD of unnecessarily mean spirited and, sometimes cruel, comments flying around.

My beliefs don't include white feathers being left by the dead. One, because it's not possible and two because I have white feathers in my house most days straight after plumping my cushions, however if others can take comfort from it then that's their right. I have lost family in the last six months and my nearest neighbours have had both their young sons die this year. Which death would be allowed to be their worst?

One persons awful experience does not negate anyone else's experience. We are free to decide our own worst day without being told off that our grief can't be as bad as others.

Perhaps this thread is doing exactly what it intended?

Hopefully the OP is doing exactly what is written in the first post and 'not slating, even silently' those who write here? I sincerely hope so.

mumps

Gers wrote: »

As I've said I've never read anything I would class as nasty on the the boards I use, your experience is obviously different. However, in a thread devoted to supporting bereaved members the downright mean and nasty comments in the widows thread beggars belief. I am especially referring to those posts about 'the worst day of my life'. There was a LOAD of unnecessarily mean spirited and, sometimes cruel, comments flying around.

My beliefs don't include white feathers being left by the dead. One, because it's not possible and two because I have white feathers in my house most days straight after plumping my cushions, however if others can take comfort from it then that's their right. I have lost family in the last six months and my nearest neighbours have had both their young sons die this year. Which death would be allowed to be their worst?

One persons awful experience does not negate anyone else's experience. We are free to decide our own worst day without being told off that our grief can't be as bad as others.

Perhaps this thread is doing exactly what it intended?

Hopefully the OP is doing exactly what is written in the first post and 'not slating, even silently' those who write here? I sincerely hope so.

Losing two young sons, how unbelievably awful. I can't even begin to imagine the pain they must be in. I hope no one is crass enough to try what I call "top trumps" with their grief.

I went to my DDs graduation and two young doctors had their degrees awarded posthumously, one degree was collected by the mother and she sobbed the whole way through the ceremony. It was heartbreaking to watch.

I think this thread has been useful to several of us, not sure if it will make easy reading for Kittie and her gang.

Snowbird

mumps wrote: »

not sure if it will make easy reading for Kittie and her gang.

You need to stop judging people by your own standards Mumps. Just because you would be able to reflect and reconsider whether you have caused offence does not mean everyone could.

moneyistooshorttomention

Finding white feathers as a "sign" (eg after someone's death) may or may not be something that happens. I've an open mind on this personally. Sometimes there is a logical explanation for things. Sometimes there isn't. I've had a few things happen in my life that there was no logical explanation for - but those things did happen.

So, in response to anything like that, I don't think it's anyones place to comment negatively personally. It is a personal opinion this happens - some people hold the opinion it does. Some people hold the opinion it doesn't. I don't actually know what the objective fact is as to whether it happens. So - I don't think it's appropriate for me to make comments either way about things like that - because I simply don't know whether it happens or no.

missbiggles1

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

Finding white feathers as a "sign" (eg after someone's death) may or may not be something that happens. I've an open mind on this personally. Sometimes there is a logical explanation for things. Sometimes there isn't. I've had a few things happen in my life that there was no logical explanation for - but those things did happen.

So, in response to anything like that, I don't think it's anyones place to comment negatively personally. It is a personal opinion this happens - some people hold the opinion it does. Some people hold the opinion it doesn't. I don't actually know what the objective fact is as to whether it happens. So - I don't think it's appropriate for me to make comments either way about things like that - because I simply don't know whether it happens or no.

I'm pretty sure nobody made any comments whatsoever about the white feathers, whatever we may have thought. When you're bereaved you find comfort where you can.

PennyForThem_2

This is what put me off Kittie who seems to have domineered this board since that initial thread of hers. I have only occasionally visited since. Kittie made her personal opinion of my advice very clear and it wasn't friendly or nice.

This was my original post (3 in that thread):

Sorry for your loss - been there myself. There is a sticky on the general death board which gives useful advice and tbh for anybody of any age who is widowed/has a relative die that is the place to go for advice.

One thing jumped out at me immediately though. When was your husband born because if SERPS made up a part of his state pension you very well might be entitled to a percentage as his wife/widow.

My deceased husband was born in 1942 and I am entitled to 70% (though I have deferred as still working).

Go to pensions board if you need advice - there are a couple of IFAs on there who are very generous with advice.

kittie wrote: »

I am very lucky in that I don`t need advice. I was my husbands financial advisor, moving his pension, investing it, buying and selling shares, vesting it and drawing down, also making it grow by a considerable amount. I am really grateful that he trusted me enough to allow me to do this

Thank you for the kind responses. I really came on here so that we could share information amongst ourselves, not just financial but the psychological. Such a traumatic time with several well defined stages

I do jobs every day, tidying some of his stuff, some cleaning, some breadmaking, going to the allotment and I am also getting out. That £1000 loss every month was state pension and ex serps. I will get 50% of that. Our main pension was in a sipp and I am 100% sure that it will be transferred to me 100% to continue flexible drawdown, just got to get the paperwork finished

What I would like us to do is give each other a little nudge eg you need to do this or that next and also things like the adrenaline that comes with the shock and causes loud heartbeats, sleepless nights and head tension. Widows brain is another result, brain fag so you just cannot think straight and then the waves of deep deep grief, they come out of the blue

I keep lists and all my paperwork together, cards in another box, it all helps to order my mind

All is done here today, the funeral is completely sorted and the funeral director is absolutely wonderful. I saw my dh this morning and he looked so peaceful, I needed to see him because last time was in the hospital after he died, when he didn`t look so good. I left a love letter in his wicker coffin

I actually feel good at the moment and my mind hasn`t been whizzing this afternoon. R and R coming up this weekend, the last 10 days have been pretty horrible but after seeing him, I feel at peace

Gers

missbiggles1 wrote: »

I'm pretty sure nobody made any comments whatsoever about the white feathers, whatever we may have thought. When you're bereaved you find comfort where you can.

It was me earlier today. I was using it as an example, perhaps not the best one!

And yes, comfort is often missing when bereavement hits. Years ago one of my then close friends took no comfort at all in her religion when her husband was killed when on duty as a police officer. If white feathers bring comfort, or a semblance of comfort, then that's good.

moneyistooshorttomention

PennyForThem wrote: »

This is what put me off Kittie who seems to have domineered this board since that initial thread of hers. I have only occasionally visited since. Kittie made her personal opinion of my advice very clear and it wasn't friendly or nice.

This was my original post (3 in that thread):

Sorry for your loss - been there myself. There is a sticky on the general death board which gives useful advice and tbh for anybody of any age who is widowed/has a relative die that is the place to go for advice.

One thing jumped out at me immediately though. When was your husband born because if SERPS made up a part of his state pension you very well might be entitled to a percentage as his wife/widow.

My deceased husband was born in 1942 and I am entitled to 70% (though I have deferred as still working).

Go to pensions board if you need advice - there are a couple of IFAs on there who are very generous with advice.

That's got me puzzled.

I don't see anything at all nasty/bossy/whatever in either of the posts - yours or Kittie's. They both sound just plain factual to me.