Husband has been texting another woman.

feeling_sad

globetraveller wrote: »

And of course the boyfriend knew about it. She may well have enjoyed the power she had.
Why did she need reassuring that he had deleted everything?

Her boyfriend didn't and still doesn't know. She asked me not to tell him if she answered all of my questions..., 🤔 I'm not out to ruin her relationship like she has mine so I've not said anything. I just don't know if what she told me was the whole truth but she seemed genuine enough.

indiepanda

feeling_sad wrote: »

Should I give him the another chance even though I feel so sick that he has had an emotional affair with someone else over an extended period of time or is it time for me to realise that he has done this to me before and he doesn't respect me?

I would feel very hurt in your shoes by what he has done. I don't understand the people who are claiming this is an innocent friendship - yes, they might not have had sex, but he clearly knows that he was sharing things with her that he should have been saving for you as his wife. If he didn't he wouldn't have hidden her existence from you, and she wouldn't still be trying to hide her "friendship" with him from her boyfriend.

However, he has admitted he has behaved badly, wants to go for counselling, and you have three young children together so if nothing else I think you owe it to the children to at least give the counselling a go. That is not to say I am in favour of staying together for the sake of the children regardless of what a partner has done - more than I think if you have children together I feel that there a bit more of a duty to to see if issues can be worked through before moving on.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

feeling_sad wrote: »

Thank you, your post has made me cry.

I have not come here to hear 'what I want to hear' but just offer me some helpful understanding on how to deal with this.
I am struggling to understand why my husband chose to do this but perhaps I am naive to the world and that this is actually a common thing people do. I am clearly far too honest and faithful as I really don't think I could sit looking at my husband every day knowing I had been exchanging messages, selfies and intimate conversations with another man.
I guess I have learned something more today.

Maybe he needed counselling, but went the wrong way about it by opening up to a 'friend' with the inevitable problems it is causing you now? After all, if he had gone to a counsellor, he'd probably have been saying much the same, just not with the implied emotional context, as counsellors are trained to nip that in the bud when it happens - she isn't.


I'd give the counselling a go either way, as it either helps you patch things up or makes for a less fraught separation; you definitely need somebody to talk to, or you wouldn't be posting here now.

PeacefulWaters

Get into counselling.

Talk about it with a skilled person supporting both of you in how to hold difficult conversations.

Use as many sessions as it takes to find genuine ways to improve the relationship. It's cheaper than divorce.

And outside of counselling measure that improvement. Are you happier. Do you feel secure? Does he seem happy too?

That's a measure that needs to take place ad-infinitum. If it's all positive after six weeks great. But it needs to stick.

For what it's worth, I think he's stepped over a line. Not far, but far enough. It's more than just a friendship in his head.

dirty_magic

This doesn't sound like friendship to me!! He's telling her all about his marriage problems, that according to OP aren't really there, to make her (and probably himself) feel less guilty about being on the way to an affair. I don't call my male friends 'beautiful', and I wouldn't appreciate it if my OH did it with his female friends. I don't hide my male friends from my OH, and they don't feel uncomfortable about our friendship because of him.

Generally if there are problems in a relationship I think they're felt by both sides. OP says he's affectionate and she didn't know there was a problem. I think he was trying to have his cake and eat it; he wanted the wife at home and the young almost mistress on the side to make him feel like he's still got it!

Whether he would have gone on to have a full blown affair is irrelevant, he's definitely broken the trust.

Pollycat

feeling_sad wrote: »

Her boyfriend didn't and still doesn't know. She asked me not to tell him if she answered all of my questions..., 🤔 I'm not out to ruin her relationship like she has mine so I've not said anything. I just don't know if what she told me was the whole truth but she seemed genuine enough.

If you feel you have to apportion blame, then please include your OH.

If your relationship is ruined, it's not the sole doing of this woman.
Your OH has played a big - if not major - part in how you are feeling right now.

Poor_Single_lady

She's not apportioning blame. She is responding to a specific point.

Poor_Single_lady

What you are saying is true about husband being at fault. but given the situation op might benefit from a bit more sensitivity.

Pollycat

Poor_Single_lady wrote: »

She's not apportioning blame. She is responding to a specific point.

Which specific point?
In post #52 the OP quoted post #47 by globetraveller - that did not mention ruining anyone's relationship.

As far as sensitivity goes, the OP has had some 'there, there, here's some tea and biscuits' replies but she also needs to understand who is at fault here and blaming someone other than her OH is sticking one's head in the sand.

I agree with the posters saying that couselling is a good way forward but if she goes into that couselling with the belief that it's this woman who has ruined her relationship, it will get off on the wrong foot.

feeling_sad

Pollycat wrote: »

If you feel you have to apportion blame, then please include your OH.

If your relationship is ruined, it's not the sole doing of this woman.
Your OH has played a big - if not major - part in how you are feeling right now.

Poor_Single_lady wrote: »

She's not apportioning blame. She is responding to a specific point.

Pollycat wrote: »

Which specific point?
In post #52 the OP quoted post #47 by globetraveller - that did not mention ruining anyone's relationship.

As far as sensitivity goes, the OP has had some 'there, there, here's some tea and biscuits' replies but she also needs to understand who is at fault here and blaming someone other than her OH is sticking one's head in the sand.

I agree with the posters saying that couselling is a good way forward but if she goes into that couselling with the belief that it's this woman who has ruined her relationship, it will get off on the wrong foot.

I was merely responding to the comment about her relationship. She had also told my husband how awful hers was. They both did together.
She owes me no loyalties as she doesn't know me, he does as he is my husband. I don't think if I reacted to her in a negative light she would have given me as much information as she has.
I also learned recently that she had been sending naked photos of herself to another male colleague at work (my husbands friend) which has caused a breakdown in their marriage too. That is probably why I insinuated her ruining mine as it has come to light that she is having multiple sexting relations with multiple married men!