Husband has been texting another woman.

marisco_2

There are clearly issues in your relationship that run deep if your husband seeks contact with another woman in such a secretive way. Ask yourself if you can live happily with someone that you can never fully trust again. Personally I would be calling a day on it and walking away.

Angry_Bear

Just for an additional perspective. My ex-OH used to chat to other women all the time, just "as friends" - and I found it odd that he would sometimes hide things or delete chats but I (stupidly) believed the "I thought you'd be weird about it" answers. Odd, because I'd NEVER been weird or paranoid about anything like that.

Eventually I found out that he HAD been sexting some of these women. Quite a few of them - and again and again and again. After I caught him he was "so sorry", and it was all "just an ego boost" because he was feeling down. Funny that he never once considered what a kick in the face it all was to my ego. So having cried myself to sleep for months I then spent 2 years trying to forgive him and move on. Only to find out that the second he thought I'd stopped looking - he started up at it again. (Again, I'd actually NOT been looking - so he was at it for months before I found out).

He was just the sort of person who would do it again and again, and tell the women he was speaking to whatever he thought they'd want to hear in order for the conversation to go as he wanted.

Sorry, but the sneaky things you describe makes me think yours is probably the same (it may not be the case, but your whole story sounds very familiar!)

And for what it's worth - I DID call it a day after I caught him the second time. Turn out that it was far from the second time. Wish I'd done it the first time!

Proxima_Centauri

feeling_sad wrote: »

I also learned recently that she had been sending naked photos of herself to another male colleague at work (my husbands friend) which has caused a breakdown in their marriage too. That is probably why I insinuated her ruining mine as it has come to light that she is having multiple sexting relations with multiple married men!

Sounds like a shameless hussy.. but it wouldn't have 'caused a breakdown in their marriage' if the man wasn't interested, blocked her number and told her to go away.

groovy_chick

OP, I really feel for you **hugs**. Your husband clearly enjoyed this girls attention and got an ego boost from being involved with her. I think we can all remember that rush of excitement when something is new or secretive, but I would like to think that this didn't diminish his love for you as his wife - he was just getting the best of both worlds.

Please don't confuse my analysis with acceptance - what he did was wrong and hurtful.

My husband had a secret phone and used it to have an affair - looking back now, I know that he was on it every moment that I wasn't in the same room as him. I was pregnant with our second child at the time. The difference is, he didn't offer to have counselling with me and he left me to be with the other woman. I would have done anything to keep our family together; I would have forgiven him if he had been remorseful and told me he still loved me. Ten years on, it breaks my heart how much him leaving hurt me and has continued to hurt our children.

I just want to appeal to you to think about the long-term, imagine bringing your children up as a single parent (yes he may still be in their lives, but you are the one on your own with them in the middle of the night). Please try, if you can, to work towards being in a place of acceptance that he hurt you, but that it is all in the past and that you have a chance of a good future. Obviously he has a big part to play in reassuring you and making amends for all of the hurt and insecure feelings that he has caused.

Please get yourselves to Relate as fast as you can - I would have run there if I had the chance.

Take care

GC x

Grumpygit

feeling_sad wrote: »

Thank you so much.

Its those bold words I worry about most but I guess I won't know unless I try. I just don't like the fact you've said you still don't trust him. I want to feel safe and secure (to a normal degree) in a marriage. Obviously we never know what is around the corner but I would like to think we are a team and not have a secret middle person also knowing our intimate details.

My husband knows I have spoken to her. He has had some of his justifications challenged by her side of the story as she has told me some things he hadn't, but visa versa too. I don't believe 'they' have spoken anymore since all of this as she has said she wants to concentrate on getting her relationship back on track and my husband knows he's on the brink of losing his.

Just because I don't trust him 100% doesn't mean I check his phone/FB as I don't...... he does leave it lying around and he leaves his FB logged in.

He knows what I think of her and I refer to her as IT - and after reading your other posts I know that they swapped intimate pictures, whereas your hubby hasn't. OH went back home earlier this year on his own and I only had a fleeting moment of "what if" but I decided that if anything had happened I would find out (as he's not the best at hiding his tracks) and that he would be kicked to the kerb but nothing did....of that I am sure

In the main part, I do feel safe and secure in my marriage but occasionally I remember what happened and it gets to me but I don't let it linger but it gets less with time.

Take it one step at a time and go to Relate - it may help or not but it will hopefully put things into perspective for you so you know what you have to do (and hopefully him as well)

Fireflyaway

I would write a letter to explain how hurt I am. Its less likely to turn into a row and I think somehow more powerful when you see it in print.
I'd want honesty. Why did he do it? What has changed for him not to do it again? How would he feel if you did the same? I'd also ask what do you need to do to ensure it doesn't happen again ( more so he feels listened to than actually believing its your fault!) would call the woman and ask her not to keep in contact with your husband. Tell her that when she grows up and is married / has kids she will understand why.
I'm guessing it probably was an ego boost for him and I bet he made up rubbish about non existent marriage troubles because he felt guilty and needed an 'excuse'.
If your husband is a good dad, provides for your family and in all other respects is a decent man I would forgive him.
Maybe he does feel ignored sometimes. Easily done by mistake if you are busy with 3 kids but he needs to communicate that to you if it is the case.

meer53

If your husband is a good dad, provides for your family and in all other respects is a decent man I would forgive him.
Maybe he does feel ignored sometimes. Easily done by mistake if you are busy with 3 kids but he needs to communicate that to you if it is the case.

I wouldn't. I've been in the OP's situation, feeling ignored isn't an excuse to do what he did.

gettingtheresometime

feeling_sad wrote: »

Ten years younger than him, absolutely stunning and a gorgeous figure! He called her both gorgeous and beautiful but maintains he didn't fancy her! Course he did. I'm not sure what 22yr old whose never been in a long term relationship or who has children could offer him in terms of his marriage counselling other than to perhaps indirectly tell her he wasn't fully committed to me.

To give a woman's perspective on things?

fierystormcloud

Fireflyaway wrote: »

I would write a letter to explain how hurt I am. Its less likely to turn into a row and I think somehow more powerful when you see it in print.
I'd want honesty. Why did he do it? What has changed for him not to do it again? How would he feel if you did the same? I'd also ask what do you need to do to ensure it doesn't happen again ( more so he feels listened to than actually believing its your fault!) would call the woman and ask her not to keep in contact with your husband. Tell her that when she grows up and is married / has kids she will understand why.
I'm guessing it probably was an ego boost for him and I bet he made up rubbish about non existent marriage troubles because he felt guilty and needed an 'excuse'.
If your husband is a good dad, provides for your family and in all other respects is a decent man I would forgive him.
Maybe he does feel ignored sometimes. Easily done by mistake if you are busy with 3 kids but he needs to communicate that to you if it is the case.

NO!!!!!!!! :eek:

meer53 wrote: »

If your husband is a good dad, provides for your family and in all other respects is a decent man I would forgive him.
Maybe he does feel ignored sometimes. Easily done by mistake if you are busy with 3 kids but he needs to communicate that to you if it is the case.

I wouldn't. I've been in the OP's situation, feeling ignored isn't an excuse to do what he did.

I agree with Meer53. 'He's an OK dad and a decent provider, so I will forgive him for straying...' No way!

All that is doing is giving him the green light to do it again, because he has got away with it, and got the 'ok' from the missus!

If a woman was a 'good housekeeper' and a decent mother to the kids, but she put it about with other men, and had a sneaky bit of stuff on the side who she saw in secret and claimed was only a 'friend,' do you think her husband would be OK with this? Because she is an OK mother and wife. No of course not, and quite rightly so too!

balletshoes

fierystormcloud wrote: »

NO!!!!!!!! :eek:



I agree with Meer53. 'He's an OK dad and a decent provider, so I will forgive him for straying...' No way!

All that is doing is giving him the green light to do it again, because he has got away with it, and got the 'ok' from the missus!

If a woman was a 'good housekeeper' and a decent mother to the kids, but she put it about with other men, and had a sneaky bit of stuff on the side who she saw in secret and claimed was only a 'friend,' do you think her husband would be OK with this? Because she is an OK mother and wife.
No of course not, and quite rightly so too!

are we not talking about the OP's situation now? Its just that I didnt see anything from her about her husband seeing this other girl in secret, or that she was his bit on the side? Her husband hasn't, as far as I can see from what the OP has said, "put it about with other women" either?