Husband has been texting another woman.

Pollycat

feeling_sad wrote: »

I was merely responding to the comment about her relationship. She had also told my husband how awful hers was. They both did together.
She owes me no loyalties as she doesn't know me, he does as he is my husband. I don't think if I reacted to her in a negative light she would have given me as much information as she has.
I also learned recently that she had been sending naked photos of herself to another male colleague at work (my husbands friend) which has caused a breakdown in their marriage too. That is probably why I insinuated her ruining mine as it has come to light that she is having multiple sexting relations with multiple married men!

But as you pointed out earlier above, it's your husband who owes you loyalty, not her, and it's your OH's colleague who owes his wife loyalty, not the woman who's texting/sexting married men.

She did not ruin your relationship.

feeling_sad

Grumpygit wrote: »

Hey

You're not over reacting and feeling hurt is your right.

He has crossed a line in what he has discussed with another woman who you knew nothing about.......especially when he wasn't talking to you.

It isn't just a "normal" friendship, if it was you would have met her and know her, this is an emotional affair and yes, you've said it - a big ego boost for him.

He has acted selfishly and the only thing that he will probably regret more is that you have found out about it - not that he did it in the first place.

My OH has done this as well - with an "old friend" resurrected through FB (doesn't help that she is, what I would call, his first love). I caught him out 3 times, the first time was just before we got married, the second time was 3 months after we got married - he was worried that I was going to call her husband and tell him about their text/phone relationship (they were in the stages of breaking up).....he obviously wasn't worried about how I was!

The third time was when we were buying our house. I found messages on his phone and he was even lying to her - I got the feeling that she was getting a bit too heavy and he was distancing himself from her.

I am sure people will say why didn't you throw him out etc but I felt our relationship was worth fighting for and I had the comfort of knowing that he couldn't meet up with her as we live 600 miles away.

I still don't 100% trust him and I don't think that anyone is totally trustworthy no matter what people say about their other half.

What he did still gets to me at times, but I am dealing with it in my way.

I think for you, counseling is worth it if he is totally honest - it's the lies that hurt more than the truth, at least with the truth you know where you stand.

Does he know that you have spoken to this other woman?

Do you want to fight for your relationship? Does he? Words mean nothing if they are not said from the heart.

I do feel for you and know what you're going through - pm me if you want to chat.....

Hugs to you
x

Thank you so much.

Its those bold words I worry about most but I guess I won't know unless I try. I just don't like the fact you've said you still don't trust him. I want to feel safe and secure (to a normal degree) in a marriage. Obviously we never know what is around the corner but I would like to think we are a team and not have a secret middle person also knowing our intimate details.

My husband knows I have spoken to her. He has had some of his justifications challenged by her side of the story as she has told me some things he hadn't, but visa versa too. I don't believe 'they' have spoken anymore since all of this as she has said she wants to concentrate on getting her relationship back on track and my husband knows he's on the brink of losing his.

feeling_sad

Pollycat wrote: »

But as you pointed out earlier above, it's your husband who owes you loyalty, not her, and it's your OH's colleague who owes his wife loyalty, not the woman who's texting/sexting married men.

She did not ruin your relationship.

We could go around in circles with this but again, I agree with you, completely.

But surely if any of us heard that a woman was going around sending married male colleagues naked photos her herself and enticing them and to be involved with her then she does have to take a little bit of responsibility for her actions. But ULTIMATELY its the weak husbands that have betrayed their wives/ partners.

feeling_sad

Scrimps wrote: »

Youve said the words a few times, its about intimacy. He shared intimate details, more so with her than you.
Gosh, thats horrible to type but that is what Im reading.
I dont think you're being paranoid, or overreacting or anything like that. Youre understandably very hurt that he has reached this level of emotional intimacy with someone other than yourself. Thats a betrayl, it could have gone further, it didnt bit the phrase slippery slope was mentioned.
Some people on this thread have highlighted some really good points such as relate and the future being more important than the past.

I would also like to point out, that he does seem very remorseful, he is sorry, he showed a level of self awareness about needing/enjoying the ego boost, he showed he knew he was weak.
We (humans) are a pretty screwed up bunch on the whole, we do stupid stuff all the time, thats not to minimise what youre going through, but we do. Sometimes, it hurts other people. The keys thing is, can we learn from it, can we learn to never allow ourselves to get into that situation again -It seems to me that that is his plan, he has suggested Relate which means he wants to learn, he wants to grow - with you - together.
You cant prevent yourself getting hurt again because you cant control other peoples actions, the only way you could do this would be to isolate yourself from other peoples actions - turn into a lonely old maid, never taking the risk of being emotionally open?
Through the relate process, you will probably (never been so just a guess) learn how trust him again, to set boundaries so paranoia doesnt haunt the rest of your life together and so he sees the signals and backs away from someone flirting rather than engaging for an ego boost.

To me it seems, he screwed up, he is very sorry he did so. He wants to make it work. Only by going through the process ( Relate) can you determine if its something you can forgive, learn to trust again and he can learn how deeply hurtful his actions have been towards you and learn to never, ever do it again.

I took a screenshot of your reply last night and I think I will hold on to this one as you have hit the nail on the head. I also need to read it back to remind myself that everything you have said is what he is saying. He does want to learn and grow together. He has messed up big time and he understands its going to take a very long time for trust to be rebuilt.
We both hope that the relate process will help us to be one again. This is what I want, for my children, for me, for him but I felt I had all of that until last month. I felt that I had the best marriage, I told everyone how amazing he was all of the time. It's just a shame I have such negative feelings towards him now, and just before christmas.

Pollycat

feeling_sad wrote: »

We could go around in circles with this but again, I agree with you, completely.

But surely if any of us heard that a woman was going around sending married male colleagues naked photos her herself and enticing them and to be involved with her then she does have to take a little bit of responsibility for her actions. But ULTIMATELY its the weak husbands that have betrayed their wives/ partners.

I think we are in agreement.

But the 'sending married male colleagues naked photos' is a new piece of information as far as this thread goes.

I think if you had been aware of this when you started the thread and had mentioned it, possibly not so many people would have said she was just a friend to your OH.

I hope you can sort this out with your OH.
Having been betrayed by an ex myself (although mine was a 2 year physical affair in the days before mobiles and social media) being able to trust again is very hard.

ETA:
we cross-posted.
I think the fact that he is remorseful and wants to repair the damage he has done to your relationship says a lot.
I think you have a pretty good chance of moving forward.

feeling_sad

Pollycat wrote: »

I think we are in agreement.

But the 'sending married male colleagues naked photos' is a new piece of information as far as this thread goes.

I think if you had been aware of this when you started the thread and had mentioned it, possibly not so many people would have said she was just a friend to your OH.

I hope you can sort this out with your OH.
Having been betrayed by an ex myself (although mine was a 2 year physical affair in the days before mobiles and social media) being able to trust again is very hard.

ETA:
we cross-posted.
I think the fact that he is remorseful and wants to repair the damage he has done to your relationship says a lot.
I think you have a pretty good chance of moving forward.

Yes, there is lots I should have included in the initial post but I'm not a poster and I have learned that in future to include all the specifics.

I didn't include it because it came to light after I found out about my hubby. I don't believe she sent them to him as that is what they have both told me so I felt it was irrelevant in my case. This is when the woman asked me not to tell he boyfriend as I told her it really wasn't on doing this to married men, and when she has a boyfriend herself! Poor guy. But I think she wants to make a go of it with him and I hope that is the case.

Thank you, I hope we can move forward together too as I really do love him with all of my heart.

ripplyuk

It says that this also happened previously a few years ago. So it's the second time he has done this. What happened afterwards that time OP?

I think I'd be a lot more harsh than most people here. It sounds like he's the type who turns away from his marriage when things are difficult. The fact that he hid this, shows he knew it was wrong. Of course he's remorseful. They all are once they're caught.

Pop_Up_Pirate

feeling_sad wrote: »

I guess the fact he left our bed and phoned her at 7am to talk for half an hour whilst I was getting our children ready for school and again whilst I was at work on a night shift, every day at one stage.

Also, finding out from this 22yr old that there i have marriage problems before I knew anything about it myself really is quite hurtful. My husband appeared to be as happy as I was but was clearly telling her there wasn't anything there between us anymore..

And at the same time calling her beautiful, gorgeous and other compliments and generally talking over three quarters of this year on phone that doesn't come into the house. It is an emotional relationship that continued and was at risk of turning into something more..

So no, nothing else makes me feel low. Just this.

Men say all kinds of things about their marriages to young ladies and often don;t mean a word of it.
He might have outlined all these "marriage problems" to this girl but it doesn;t mean he actually believes any of it.

If either person in a marriage feels the need to keep a 'Friend' secret then they are NOT friends in the true sense of the word and are likely acting inappropriately or in a manner they know will upset their spouse.

This is no different to a full blown affair. It was sneaky and he knows it.

Having said all that, it would appear that he was using the situation as a massive Ego boost and he realises his marriage is more important.

Your best course of action here would be to tell him through counselling that having this kind of friendship is not acceptable then move on from it, concentrating on why you love him and what you can do to show that.

DavidF

I would say it is certainly bad form on his part. I chat to women all the time weather my misses is with me or not....I think that is the important point that I never do anything behind her back that I could not do in front of her. She knows I have women who are friends, I also know she has men who are friends.
If I have a problem with how im feeling or how i perceive my misses is feeling/acting then I simply refuse to sleep on it. We (I think) talk every obstacle through and often compromise. Sometimes she makes me so mad......But then I am well aware that sometimes I make her so mad.....That's Life...as the old song goes and it's so true. As long as any issue is talked through and at least compromise reached OR penciled in for further discussion during a "quiet time".
As far as I/we are concerned if there is an issue that the other half feels super strongly about then we put it to bed by agreeing either compromise or if the other half is not so bothered about the issue then the one who doesn't feel so strongly just compromises and accepts and we move on......That was hard to write and it still doesn't make full sense I hope you get where I am coming from.
After having said all the above I would NOT be happy if my oh was talking to some bloke about her "unhappiness" when she should be at least having the gumption to front ME up about it .....If she felt she could not then I would be demanding to know why not....Remember in my case we both have long time old friends of the opposite sex. I would still feel hurt even if she was talking to a female about "Behind closed doors" stuff.....If it turned out that I was the reason she had to seek comfort in another then obviously I would need to address that and I would "try".... but I would still be seeking my oh to "try" to be more open and even confrontational with me as I would feel kind of "Why tell him/her and not me" ? Problems can only ever be resolved by talking to each other.
I think relate could help....It depends on how much effort you BOTH put into it. Even the injured party needs to work hard.
Sending you both our best wishes anyway. Hope you come out the other end happier and wiser on both sides. Every day is a school day as they say....We are always learning, None of us are perfect.

Out,_Vile_Jelly

Husband secretly texting another woman; wife checking his phone. Both are betrayals of trust and show the relationship is not on a sound footing.

OP: can you envisage living with him in future and ignoring his phone if he left it lying around? If yes, then I think you can still salvage the marriage. If not, then I think it's irretrievably damaged.

Best of luck.