Husband has been texting another woman.

[Deleted User]

kazmeister wrote: »

Whatever you decide, you can't change the past but you can make the future you want happen.

Never was a truer word spoken ....

feeling_sad

selement wrote: »

I would be upset too in this situation. He's made the behavior suspicious by keeping it secret. I wouldn't like finding out form nowhere the marriage wasn't so happy. It's bizarre he gave no inclination. If I was in this situation I would be super mad at my husband - if there is a problem then it's not at all fair to you to not give you the opportunity to work on things and improve it, as surely really you both want to be happy? And in all honesty I'm a bit paranoid but keeping it secret would make me doubt his word on it being friendship only.

If he's realised he's messed up and wants to rescue the marriage, that is a good sign, but he needs to prove to you that hes not going to put you through this again. If he has needs not being met he needs to tell you, and if he's got a close friend she shouldn't be a secret.

He went to every stop to keep it very secret too. Looking back I remember seeing he had turned off all of his notifications including WhatsApp and hiding the subject field for messages. I stupidly thought it just annoyed him. If I were that paranoid I could have demanded to know more/ investigate then and I probably would have found out earlier and not this close to Christmas.

Having done some research, many women feel more betrayed by an emotional type of affair than a drunken physical fling that was a bad judgement on one night. I hate the thought that he felt this was okay over such a long period of time.

feeling_sad

kazmeister wrote: »

You are going through a difficult time but you need to be strong and make sound decisions moving forward. Draw a line in the sand and decide what you want going forward.

If you want a life together you have to let it go and you need to let him know what is and isn't acceptable. Whatever the reasons for his 'friendship' you must not ever believe it is your fault. Be confident and encourage communication between the two of you to make it work.

If you don't think you can get over it and can't make it work then be strong and make the decision to separate, knowing that he will always have to be part of your life because of the children.

Whatever you decide, you can't change the past but you can make the future you want happen.

I think I'm in limbo at the moment. I'm not sure I can just forget or get over it.
I guess time will tell. One month on and I still can't stand him for it. I'm worried we actually would have a bad marriage now as the trust is completely broken.

movinghelp

I also think you're overrracting a bit. You seem to have a problem with her age and life stage which is understandable but most 22 year olds use Snapchat and send selfies and it doesn't really have to mean anything more. As she has a boyfriend it doesn't sound like she's actually interested in your OH as anything more than a friend.

AshleyBurf

It does sound like a friendship. The best thing to do is to find all the places you are not loving yourself and love them as hard as you can!

globetraveller

movinghelp wrote: »

I also think you're overrracting a bit. You seem to have a problem with her age and life stage which is understandable but most 22 year olds use Snapchat and send selfies and it doesn't really have to mean anything more. As she has a boyfriend it doesn't sound like she's actually interested in your OH as anything more than a friend.

And of course the boyfriend knew about it. She may well have enjoyed the power she had.
Why did she need reassuring that he had deleted everything?

Scrimps

feeling_sad wrote: »

Having done some research, many women feel more betrayed by an emotional type of affair than a drunken physical fling that was a bad judgement on one night. I hate the thought that he felt this was okay over such a long period of time.

Youve said the words a few times, its about intimacy. He shared intimate details, more so with her than you.
Gosh, thats horrible to type but that is what Im reading.
I dont think you're being paranoid, or overreacting or anything like that. Youre understandably very hurt that he has reached this level of emotional intimacy with someone other than yourself. Thats a betrayl, it could have gone further, it didnt bit the phrase slippery slope was mentioned.
Some people on this thread have highlighted some really good points such as relate and the future being more important than the past.

I would also like to point out, that he does seem very remorseful, he is sorry, he showed a level of self awareness about needing/enjoying the ego boost, he showed he knew he was weak.
We (humans) are a pretty screwed up bunch on the whole, we do stupid stuff all the time, thats not to minimise what youre going through, but we do. Sometimes, it hurts other people. The keys thing is, can we learn from it, can we learn to never allow ourselves to get into that situation again -It seems to me that that is his plan, he has suggested Relate which means he wants to learn, he wants to grow - with you - together.
You cant prevent yourself getting hurt again because you cant control other peoples actions, the only way you could do this would be to isolate yourself from other peoples actions - turn into a lonely old maid, never taking the risk of being emotionally open?
Through the relate process, you will probably (never been so just a guess) learn how trust him again, to set boundaries so paranoia doesnt haunt the rest of your life together and so he sees the signals and backs away from someone flirting rather than engaging for an ego boost.

To me it seems, he screwed up, he is very sorry he did so. He wants to make it work. Only by going through the process ( Relate) can you determine if its something you can forgive, learn to trust again and he can learn how deeply hurtful his actions have been towards you and learn to never, ever do it again.

barbiedoll

OP...I've read all of the replies and despite those that insist that it's just a "friendship", or that you're "overreacting", I can tell you now that, as a woman with 17 years of marriage behind me, if I found that my husband had been secretly messaging another woman to tell her of our relationship woes, I'd be wearing his testicles as earrings by now.

I'm not surprised that you feel so terrible, he has betrayed your trust and disclosed details of your married life to someone who is a stranger to you. He has also tried to hide this and considering that it's not his first offence, I can see why you can't bear to be anywhere near him now, he's not the person that you thought he was and your marriage isn't what you thought it to be.

Counselling sounds like a very good idea and at least he is on board with that, to give him some credit. But....while he thinks that his "ego boost" is an excuse, it isn't. We all need an ego boost now and again but there are ways and means. Women like to be looked at when they feel good. As do men. But texting and talking to a much younger woman, just to get his ego boosted, is a huge breach of trust and intimacy. He needs to realise that his ego isn't as important as his marriage and his children. And if it is, then he needs to make some serious decisions.

As for you....you know him, we don't. You know (or will find out) whether or not he can and/or will change, and if that will be enough for you. Only you know if you can live with this and if you can put it behind you. And only you know if you even want to.

This is not your fault, even if there were "issues" in your marriage, he should have spoken to you about them, no matter what he thought your reaction would be. You have every right to feel angry and aggrieved, as would most of us if we're honest.

Don't make any hasty decisions but don't let him talk his way out of this either. A marriage without trust is no marriage at all. And if he repeatedly tests your trust, he's not going to have a marriage. Let's see if his 22 year-old "friend" will be so keen when he has his kids staying every weekend and child maintenance payments every month. I bet he won't be such an attractive proposition then.

Best wishes to you, I'm sorry that you're going to have such a horrible Christmas. Hope you can work things out, no matter what you decide.

Grumpygit

Hey

You're not over reacting and feeling hurt is your right.

He has crossed a line in what he has discussed with another woman who you knew nothing about.......especially when he wasn't talking to you.

It isn't just a "normal" friendship, if it was you would have met her and know her, this is an emotional affair and yes, you've said it - a big ego boost for him.

He has acted selfishly and the only thing that he will probably regret more is that you have found out about it - not that he did it in the first place.

My OH has done this as well - with an "old friend" resurrected through FB (doesn't help that she is, what I would call, his first love). I caught him out 3 times, the first time was just before we got married, the second time was 3 months after we got married - he was worried that I was going to call her husband and tell him about their text/phone relationship (they were in the stages of breaking up).....he obviously wasn't worried about how I was!

The third time was when we were buying our house. I found messages on his phone and he was even lying to her - I got the feeling that she was getting a bit too heavy and he was distancing himself from her.

I am sure people will say why didn't you throw him out etc but I felt our relationship was worth fighting for and I had the comfort of knowing that he couldn't meet up with her as we live 600 miles away.

I still don't 100% trust him and I don't think that anyone is totally trustworthy no matter what people say about their other half.

What he did still gets to me at times, but I am dealing with it in my way.

I think for you, counseling is worth it if he is totally honest - it's the lies that hurt more than the truth, at least with the truth you know where you stand.

Does he know that you have spoken to this other woman?

Do you want to fight for your relationship? Does he? Words mean nothing if they are not said from the heart.

I do feel for you and know what you're going through - pm me if you want to chat.....

Hugs to you
x

Loanranger

You have to think ahead to what you want to happen in future and it seems you have two choices. Either finish the marriage or continue with it. You need to consider your children first and foremost and not yourself.

You are clearly upset by his actions but in my long experience men are not averse to being friendly with women. Only you can decide if you can accept it as typical male behaviour or not but be very clear what you would be giving up for the sake of a friendship he had briefly with a woman.
If you continue with the marriage would you continue to restrict his friendships to only male friends? I know plenty of men who have female friends and they are not unfaithful to their wives. I think you need to take a mature approach to this situation and stop letting it eat you up. That will destroy you and the marriage and the children's happiness.