Husband has been texting another woman.

LKRDN_Morgan

Its odd that people think this is an innocent friendship. Since when do people hide friends from their partners?

OP I'm with you. I'd be furious if I found out my husband was texting another women I never knew about.

peachyprice

LKRDN_Morgan wrote: »

Its odd that people think this is an innocent friendship. Since when do people hide friends from their partners?

When they know their partners will over react probably.

feeling_sad

Ozzuk wrote: »

I started replying saying I agree with Bogalot that this sounds just like friends and maybe you are blowing it out of proportion. But actually, he is acting inappropriately. It's pretty obvious if they are friends then he is still liking the attention and he's also liking keep it on the edge of friends/more. Would he ever act on it? Who knows.

I had a friend like this, one of my best friends for years and although girlfriends at times didn't like it, they understood it was just that - and yes I'd talk to her about relationships, great to have a female perspective. But we found ourselves getting closer so when I found myself in a serious relationship I broke contact with her because I felt it could stray into emotional cheating if I didn't stop it, and I didn't want that.

Only you can decide how big this is for you, it doesn't sound like he has actually cheated on you, he likely got caught up in the attention and how easy it was. This could be a reality check that makes him focus on you more and actually bring you closer. Maybe both of you look at how you interact, are you both guilty of taking each other for granted. I'm not saying that is a free pass for him to do ever he wants, but a chance for you both to get what you want/need out of your relationship.

Good luck and hugs!

Thank you for your input.
I agree, I don't think he had any intention of putting a stop to this despite it going on in secret for 9 months. Would it have developed further, possibly?
When I found the messages from the day before and only the ones I have ever seen (and they were bad enough) he assured her on snapchat (as I logged in) not to worry as all of the other messages had been deleted!! When I searched her on social media platforms (FB, instagram) I realised she had blocked me everywhere despite me not even knowing she existed! I don't think this was as innocent as they've both made out and now I've come here to be mostly told I am overreacting to it.

As I said in my initial post, I believed we had a great marriage. We texted ourselves whilst at work everyday, had lots of date nights without the children and barely ever argued. I think he just likes to have this thrill as its not the first time its happened.

LKRDN_Morgan

peachyprice wrote: »

When they know their partners will over react probably.

'I didn't tell you because I knew you'd overreact' is blaming the innocent party and the first line of defence rolled out when someone has been caught out.

powerful_Rogue

Sounds like a friendship to me. You already said that you are paranoid because he messaged a woman in the past, so can understand why he would want to talk to his female friend without you getting all suspicious.

Proxima_Centauri

powerful_Rogue wrote: »

Sounds like a friendship to me. You already said that you are paranoid because he messaged a woman in the past, so can understand why he would want to talk to his female friend without you getting all suspicious.

Yes, the original post does say he 'messaged' someone a few years ago. Though (unless I missed something?) it doesn't say he had an affair, even back then.

feeling_sad wrote: »

Hello,

I am new to posting here but have always be an avid reader on the threads. I really could do with some perspective on my situation that I am seriously struggling with.

A bit of history, I have been with my husband for 9 years, married for 7. Both in our early 30's with three children. I would say we have a happy (with the usual woes) marriage and have moved into a new house this year.

So a month ago I jumped into my husbands car as he had blocked mine in. I saw that he had left his work phone in there and I suddenly thought I hadn't seen it for a while. It made me feel worried as I have found out that he has messaged another woman a few years back and I have always felt a little paranoid about the possibility of it happening again. Anyway, I looked into his messages and instantly saw he had been chatting with a woman I didn't recognise the day before where he asked if she still wanted 'to talk' and that he missed 'talking to her' and they agreed to re-add each other on snapchat where the conversation continued. She had said she deleted him as she saw it was our wedding anniversary recently and she didn't want to intrude.

I immediately flipped and threw him out. He initially blamed me for it (lack of attention etc) but also insisted they were only innocent texts and I was overreacting.

I made contact with this woman who turned out to be a colleague from where they both worked in April 2016 and they became quite close. They were talking, texting, snap chatting mostly then, and in may when my husband changed jobs and they started chatting more as they weren't working together anymore. This was also the time when we were moving house and it was quite stressful for me. She told me she has a boyfriend and they talked about their relationships and what they didn't like about them, including him telling her there was no spark in our marriage anymore!! This woman is in her early 20's with no children.

I have since logged into my husbands phone account and saw that he was phoning her on his way home from work, once when I was working a nightshift and twice on his way to work at 7am!!! They have both told me this was over a two or three week period where my husband then told her things were 'better' between us and he didn't want to talk on the telephone anymore (I had no idea that we weren't getting on). He admits he felt it had gone too far with the phone calls.

However, they continued to snapchat and have done so over the last nine months on a very intermittent basis. She told me he would sometimes refer to her as 'gorgeous or beautiful' in his opening lines but also says he never took it anywhere beyond that, no sexual talking, plans on meeting up, although there were some exchanges of selfies with snapchat filters etc..

She also told me of a time in the summer where my husband had a rant to her about our marriage again and they talked at length about it. Again, he didn't have this conversation with me. He is always so affectionate and attentive to me, we go out on lots of date nights and have a good sex life. I honestly thought I had the best marriage up until a month ago and now I am crushed beyond belief at the fact that over the course of NINE months of this whole year he has had a secret relationship with her, who he has never mentioned, kept on his work phone (although in april/may the call logs are from his personal phone) and all correspondence from her had been deleted- why if it was innocent? He talks to other mutual friends who are women, as to I who are male. This is someone who needed to be kept hidden from me.

I truly believe if I hadn't found those texts a month ago he would still be talking to her now. Instead, I have found out this side of christmas and I am devastated.

My husband is now very remorseful and has broken down several times telling me he did it for an ego boost/ a bit of attention (she is a very pretty early 20's lady with an amazing figure- makes me feel just great as a mother of three children but he says he didn't fancy her.. hmm) and he didn't believe he was 'cheating' as it was never physical. But I can't get over the confiding in her, talking about OUR marriage to someone who has never been married or has children to understand, the general chatting to her about whatever they talked about.

He wants us to go to counselling. When I listen to him talk and he answers all of my questions (he admits he was selfish and shallow and it wasn't my fault) I want to make it work and believe him, because I love him, but he has broken my trust. I feel so betrayed and humiliated. I am reminded of all of the wonderful things we have done this year, our new home and it all feels tainted. This was supposed to be our first christmas here and I am so so sad.

Should I give him the another chance even though I feel so sick that he has had an emotional affair with someone else over an extended period of time or is it time for me to realise that he has done this to me before and he doesn't respect me?

tea_lover

feeling_sad wrote: »

Thank you for your input.
I agree, I don't think he had any intention of putting a stop to this despite it going on in secret for 9 months. Would it have developed further, possibly?
When I found the messages from the day before and only the ones I have ever seen (and they were bad enough) he assured her on snapchat (as I logged in) not to worry as all of the other messages had been deleted!! When I searched her on social media platforms (FB, instagram) I realised she had blocked me everywhere despite me not even knowing she existed! I don't think this was as innocent as they've both made out and now I've come here to be mostly told I am overreacting to it.

As I said in my initial post, I believed we had a great marriage. We texted ourselves whilst at work everyday, had lots of date nights without the children and barely ever argued. I think he just likes to have this thrill as its not the first time its happened.

To be fair to the people who have erred on the side of 'friendship', what you've posted here (my bold) isn't included in the OP.

powerful_Rogue

tea_lover wrote: »

To be fair to the people who have erred on the side of 'friendship', what you've posted here (my bold) isn't included in the OP.

How does the OP know she has been blocked? The woman in question may have stringent privacy controls set on her social media accounts.

feeling_sad

LKRDN_Morgan wrote: »

'I didn't tell you because I knew you'd overreact' is blaming the innocent party and the first line of defence rolled out when someone has been caught out.

powerful_Rogue wrote: »

Sounds like a friendship to me. You already said that you are paranoid because he messaged a woman in the past, so can understand why he would want to talk to his female friend without you getting all suspicious.

As I said in my OP, he does talk to other women. His accounts are open. As are mine. These are messages that aren't deleted, or texts. However, why was this one different? why would a friend of his never have her name mentioned in our marriage like all the other colleagues and friends we both meet in life? Why would he not save his 'friends' name in his personal phone instead of a phone only used for clients? Its all about context and this was completely different.

bap98189

Whether this was just friendship or not is irrelevant. Whether or not this kind of behaviour would be acceptable to other people reading this is also irrelevant. Clearly this is behaviour the OP is not comfortable with, and it sounds as though her husband knew this.

The question you need to ask yourself is whether this is something the two of you can work through. The fact he seems remorseful and is being open with you makes me think there is a chink of light there, and is why I would strongly suggest the two of you go to some form of counselling. Surely 7 years of marriage and 3 children is enough motivation to make it worth giving it a shot?