Husband has been texting another woman.

feeling_sad

Hello,

I am new to posting here but have always be an avid reader on the threads. I really could do with some perspective on my situation that I am seriously struggling with.

A bit of history, I have been with my husband for 9 years, married for 7. Both in our early 30's with three children. I would say we have a happy (with the usual woes) marriage and have moved into a new house this year.

So a month ago I jumped into my husbands car as he had blocked mine in. I saw that he had left his work phone in there and I suddenly thought I hadn't seen it for a while. It made me feel worried as I have found out that he has messaged another woman a few years back and I have always felt a little paranoid about the possibility of it happening again. Anyway, I looked into his messages and instantly saw he had been chatting with a woman I didn't recognise the day before where he asked if she still wanted 'to talk' and that he missed 'talking to her' and they agreed to re-add each other on snapchat where the conversation continued. She had said she deleted him as she saw it was our wedding anniversary recently and she didn't want to intrude.

I immediately flipped and threw him out. He initially blamed me for it (lack of attention etc) but also insisted they were only innocent texts and I was overreacting.

I made contact with this woman who turned out to be a colleague from where they both worked in April 2016 and they became quite close. They were talking, texting, snap chatting mostly then, and in may when my husband changed jobs and they started chatting more as they weren't working together anymore. This was also the time when we were moving house and it was quite stressful for me. She told me she has a boyfriend and they talked about their relationships and what they didn't like about them, including him telling her there was no spark in our marriage anymore!! This woman is in her early 20's with no children.

I have since logged into my husbands phone account and saw that he was phoning her on his way home from work, once when I was working a nightshift and twice on his way to work at 7am!!! They have both told me this was over a two or three week period where my husband then told her things were 'better' between us and he didn't want to talk on the telephone anymore (I had no idea that we weren't getting on). He admits he felt it had gone too far with the phone calls.

However, they continued to snapchat and have done so over the last nine months on a very intermittent basis. She told me he would sometimes refer to her as 'gorgeous or beautiful' in his opening lines but also says he never took it anywhere beyond that, no sexual talking, plans on meeting up, although there were some exchanges of selfies with snapchat filters etc..

She also told me of a time in the summer where my husband had a rant to her about our marriage again and they talked at length about it. Again, he didn't have this conversation with me. He is always so affectionate and attentive to me, we go out on lots of date nights and have a good sex life. I honestly thought I had the best marriage up until a month ago and now I am crushed beyond belief at the fact that over the course of NINE months of this whole year he has had a secret relationship with her, who he has never mentioned, kept on his work phone (although in april/may the call logs are from his personal phone) and all correspondence from her had been deleted- why if it was innocent? He talks to other mutual friends who are women, as to I who are male. This is someone who needed to be kept hidden from me.

I truly believe if I hadn't found those texts a month ago he would still be talking to her now. Instead, I have found out this side of christmas and I am devastated.

My husband is now very remorseful and has broken down several times telling me he did it for an ego boost/ a bit of attention (she is a very pretty early 20's lady with an amazing figure- makes me feel just great as a mother of three children but he says he didn't fancy her.. hmm) and he didn't believe he was 'cheating' as it was never physical. But I can't get over the confiding in her, talking about OUR marriage to someone who has never been married or has children to understand, the general chatting to her about whatever they talked about.

He wants us to go to counselling. When I listen to him talk and he answers all of my questions (he admits he was selfish and shallow and it wasn't my fault) I want to make it work and believe him, because I love him, but he has broken my trust. I feel so betrayed and humiliated. I am reminded of all of the wonderful things we have done this year, our new home and it all feels tainted. This was supposed to be our first christmas here and I am so so sad.

Should I give him the another chance even though I feel so sick that he has had an emotional affair with someone else over an extended period of time or is it time for me to realise that he has done this to me before and he doesn't respect me?

boliston

i am confused as this sounds like a freind rather than an affair

AlwaysWorking

First of all, big hugs to you Feeling Sad.

I'm sure people much more knowledgeable about this kind of thing will post soon, but from someone who has been through something very like this in the past, I would suggest Relate...I don't think this is something that can be brushed under the carpet, but nor do I think it should instantly mean the end to what is (otherwise) a very happy marriage, especially when there are children involved.

feeling_sad

Do you Boliston?

Her name only saved in his work phone that wasn't brought into the house. Deleted messages and phone calls whilst I was work/ asleep.

I'm not sure I would feel comfortable talking about my marriage to another man for 40 mins on a phone call without my husband knowing, or calling him handsome, or sending him photos of myself. Or telling him I missed talking to him just after I had texted my husband saying something similar.

I guess thats why he saw it as innocent too then!

feeling_sad

AlwaysWorking wrote: »

First of all, big hugs to you Feeling Sad.

I'm sure people much more knowledgeable about this kind of thing will post soon, but from someone who has been through something very like this in the past, I would suggest Relate...I don't think this is something that can be brushed under the carpet, but nor do I think it should instantly mean the end to what is (otherwise) a very happy marriage, especially when there are children involved.

Thank you. Both myself and my husband have made contact with relate as I agree that its probably a good idea. He wants to talk about himself and how he has always turned to doing this for his own ego boost but obviously it has crushed me in the process. I will never know the extent of what they talked about and I always thought we were so close that we shared everything, talked about everything and the fact he has this relationship with her has really unsettled me.

Bogalot

It's not a relationship, it's a friendship.

He shouldn't have kept it a secret. But maybe he did so because he knew how you would react?

I can understand that you would be hurt but "crushed" is an overreaction. Are there other issues in your life that are making you feel low?

Proxima_Centauri

boliston wrote: »

i am confused as this sounds like a freind rather than an affair

I am reminded of a similar situation at work, where my female boss used to spend hours and hours chatting with a male colleague, the vast majority of it not work related! No-one was accused of 'having an affair', as far as I know.

Ozzuk

I started replying saying I agree with Bogalot that this sounds just like friends and maybe you are blowing it out of proportion. But actually, he is acting inappropriately. It's pretty obvious if they are friends then he is still liking the attention and he's also liking keep it on the edge of friends/more. Would he ever act on it? Who knows.

I had a friend like this, one of my best friends for years and although girlfriends at times didn't like it, they understood it was just that - and yes I'd talk to her about relationships, great to have a female perspective. But we found ourselves getting closer so when I found myself in a serious relationship I broke contact with her because I felt it could stray into emotional cheating if I didn't stop it, and I didn't want that.

Only you can decide how big this is for you, it doesn't sound like he has actually cheated on you, he likely got caught up in the attention and how easy it was. This could be a reality check that makes him focus on you more and actually bring you closer. Maybe both of you look at how you interact, are you both guilty of taking each other for granted. I'm not saying that is a free pass for him to do ever he wants, but a chance for you both to get what you want/need out of your relationship.

Good luck and hugs!

Claire_A87

I think you should take him up on the offer of counselling. There's obviously a lot you each need to get off your chests that you aren't doing with each other face to face for whatever reason. FWIW I would also feel uncomfortable if my OH kept a 'friendship' from me, deleted conversations etc. I wouldn't have a problem at all if my OH had female friends that he confided in (we all need an outlet), but if your OH has covered it up then he obviously feels that it's something to feel guilty about.

Counselling could really benefit you both, either by getting you on the same page or by confirming that you want different things.

feeling_sad

Bogalot wrote: »

It's not a relationship, it's a friendship.

He shouldn't have kept it a secret. But maybe he did so because he knew how you would react?

I can understand that you would be hurt but "crushed" is an overreaction. Are there other issues in your life that are making you feel low?

I guess the fact he left our bed and phoned her at 7am to talk for half an hour whilst I was getting our children ready for school and again whilst I was at work on a night shift, every day at one stage.

Also, finding out from this 22yr old that there i have marriage problems before I knew anything about it myself really is quite hurtful. My husband appeared to be as happy as I was but was clearly telling her there wasn't anything there between us anymore..

And at the same time calling her beautiful, gorgeous and other compliments and generally talking over three quarters of this year on phone that doesn't come into the house. It is an emotional relationship that continued and was at risk of turning into something more..

So no, nothing else makes me feel low. Just this.

Ozzuk

Sometimes people exaggerate issues when talking to friends. 'She never listens', well I'm sure they listen sometimes. It's a chance to moan. 'My wife doesn't understand me' well that's because you're drunk all the time.