Husband has been texting another woman.

feeling_sad

Proxima_Centauri wrote: »

Intentionally hurtful comments are one thing, but merely posting a viewpoint that you don't like or agree with should not be considered unacceptable.

As I have said several times, I am happy for people to tell me things I don't want to hear but some comments have insinuated that my husband did this as I was paranoid, unreasonable and the reason he did it due to my probable reaction. Of course this would be based upon his previous behaviour which again I guess they would agree was my fault too. If thats their opinions then so be it. Maybe I am sensitive right now, 2016 turns out to be something completely different to how I saw it.

feeling_sad

Sleazy wrote: »

'Friendship' maybe now, but possibly the start of a slippery slope to something else as well. I'd be upset too if my spouse chatted to somebody else about our marriage without my knowledge. Counselling? - As long as both agree and are willing, but trust needs to be built and hiding messages from another of the opposite sex isn't a good foundation in my opinion.

Thank you. These hidden messages have gone on for nine months and probably longer if I hadn't found them, not two or three weeks of us being in a rut. I'm not sure I can easily accept this. I don't think our marriage would have been at the top of their agenda on talking late nights, early mornings and whilst he was at work either..

Proxima_Centauri

feeling_sad wrote: »

As I have said several times, I am happy for people to tell me things I don't want to hear but some comments have insinuated that my husband did this as I was paranoid, unreasonable and the reason he did it due to my probable reaction. Of course this would be based upon his previous behaviour which again I guess they would agree was my fault too. If thats their opinions then so be it. Maybe I am sensitive right now, 2016 turns out to be something completely different to how I saw it.

None of us know either of you We can only go by what is written. Of course we may get it wrong sometimes, or misinterpret things. If for example a post sounds stressy, we might assume that that person generally overreacts to things, when it might not be true.


I think 2016 has been one heck of a year for everyone, for various reasons :eek:

globetraveller

He has been speaking with someone a lot and has never mentioned her name to you. He is using a work phone to communicate with her. He has assured her that he has deleted texts. He phones her very early in the morning. She has been told about your marriage problems but has not talked to you about it. Finally this is the second situation you have been in with him. I am not sure why there is anyone who thinks this is ok or that you may be to blame for part of it.
Saying that , relate is worth trying . You will know how you feel at the end of it. You both may make changes.One thing worth considering- after the first time a few years ago- he probably put more thought into how to conduct this current one. And if he were to do the same again, he will have learned from this.
Many of us have gone through hell in their marriage but made it work in the end. Just see how you fell after Relate.
Good luck!

selement

I would be upset too in this situation. He's made the behavior suspicious by keeping it secret. I wouldn't like finding out form nowhere the marriage wasn't so happy. It's bizarre he gave no inclination. If I was in this situation I would be super mad at my husband - if there is a problem then it's not at all fair to you to not give you the opportunity to work on things and improve it, as surely really you both want to be happy? And in all honesty I'm a bit paranoid but keeping it secret would make me doubt his word on it being friendship only.

If he's realised he's messed up and wants to rescue the marriage, that is a good sign, but he needs to prove to you that hes not going to put you through this again. If he has needs not being met he needs to tell you, and if he's got a close friend she shouldn't be a secret.

gt568

But was she fit? I need closure on that point....!!

feeling_sad

gt568 wrote: »

But was she fit? I need closure on that point....!!

Ten years younger than him, absolutely stunning and a gorgeous figure! He called her both gorgeous and beautiful but maintains he didn't fancy her! Course he did. I'm not sure what 22yr old whose never been in a long term relationship or who has children could offer him in terms of his marriage counselling other than to perhaps indirectly tell her he wasn't fully committed to me.

seven-day-weekend

It doesn't sound like 'just' a friendship to me. Why keep it secret? Why talk about his marriage to another woman other than his wife?

It is, imho, a small betrayal. However, hopefully he has now come to his senses and they can both learn from the experience and move on (assuming they both want to).

Relate seems like a very good idea.

feeling_sad

globetraveller wrote: »

He has been speaking with someone a lot and has never mentioned her name to you. He is using a work phone to communicate with her. He has assured her that he has deleted texts. He phones her very early in the morning. She has been told about your marriage problems but has not talked to you about it. Finally this is the second situation you have been in with him. I am not sure why there is anyone who thinks this is ok or that you may be to blame for part of it.
Saying that , relate is worth trying . You will know how you feel at the end of it. You both may make changes.One thing worth considering- after the first time a few years ago- he probably put more thought into how to conduct this current one. And if he were to do the same again, he will have learned from this.
Many of us have gone through hell in their marriage but made it work in the end. Just see how you fell after Relate.
Good luck!

Thank you so much. This is exactly how I feel.
Despite the history I'm actually relatively laid back and try to see the positives in things. I really didn't see this coming and it's hit me like a bus. I felt so close to him, so safe and secure and for all of these months he's shared intimate details on his/ our life with her. He knows lots about her too and has built up a relationship that would have surely developed, hence him never putting a stop to it. I just need to work out what I'm going to do about it now..

kazmeister

You are going through a difficult time but you need to be strong and make sound decisions moving forward. Draw a line in the sand and decide what you want going forward.

If you want a life together you have to let it go and you need to let him know what is and isn't acceptable. Whatever the reasons for his 'friendship' you must not ever believe it is your fault. Be confident and encourage communication between the two of you to make it work.

If you don't think you can get over it and can't make it work then be strong and make the decision to separate, knowing that he will always have to be part of your life because of the children.

Whatever you decide, you can't change the past but you can make the future you want happen.