Husband has been texting another woman.

Diary

The worst part for me personally is the fact he promised never to it it again - and then made a multitude of excuses why he had done 'it' again.

Even if OP 'has him back' she won't be able to believe a word he says in future.

Of course the husband is remorseful - the 'other' young lady has obviously told him she doesn't want him.

The humiliation of having him discuss his entire marriage with her is terrible and he should not have put his wife through this. After all he had done it before and knew how much it hurt his wife the first time, so knew the hurt it would cause this time. Unless he thought he wouldn't get caught.

paddy's_mum

Diary wrote: »

Unless he thought he wouldn't get caught.

My experience of human failing (in which, among other scenarios, I have been the cheated upon, the one who didn't quite measure up to expectations and once quite without intent [having been fed a pack of lies] the so-called 'other woman') is that most people in this situation are exhibiting one of three things.

They believe they're too clever to get caught.

They want to get caught (as in, it brings things to a head that the cowardly can't face cold sober so let's create a ferocious row as a result of which I can shout, throw things at the wall, hurl accusations at my spouse and walk out holding him/her to blame for pushing me beyond human endurance)

They don't care if they get caught (as in utter contempt for their partner).

What respect for anyone behaving in that fashion, especially as the so-called "matrimonial difficulties" were this husband's frequent opening gambit with the other girl.

I also find it simply astounding that he would want to be competing for the attentions of a girl who is putting photographs of herself naked about the place.

They sound to me like two shallow inadequates who richly deserve each other. It's just a tragedy that there are partners/spouses/children who stand to be so badly hurt, through no fault of their own.

What a fool - he no doubt knows the price of everything but the value of nothing.

Thinking of you, OP, and wishing you a peaceful New Year.

gonzo127

paddy's_mum wrote: »

I don't really care about where the line is/how 'fit' she may be/he needed the ego boost/he's otherwise a good provider...

The FACTS are these:-

He knew the risk he was taking as he's done this before.

He choose to ignore OP's previous hurt and upset as well as the damage to his marriage.

He put a lot of thought and effort into concealing his actions.

He told lie after lie in order to continue his behaviour.

He conspired with her to keep both partners in the dark.

Poor little man!

I wouldn't want to be in the OP's shoes - she may forgive but I know from personal experience that deceit on this scale, with its corrosive damage to trust, is often the beginning of the end of the relationship - houses built on the sand, and all that.

It's the months of conniving that I would find so very hard to forgive.

Good luck, OP.

i agree with this, its the lieing and secrecy which would be my main concern

ok this could be that a lot of the things people have stated are inappropriate i just dont always agree with, but then again my best friend of nearly 30 years is female and i am male.

we talk and message each other at all times of night and day - the other day she messaged me at 5:30am because she was awake and bored but her husband was asleep

we talk to each other about our relationships, ups, downs, all sorts of details sometimes, because sometimes we just need a sounding board, rant or just another perspective

we snapchat each other because it can be a fun way of communicating

we compliment each other on our looks, because well sometimes its just nice to have a compliment

but none of this is done in secrecy, ok so we might not share the full details of our discussions but our partners have always known about each other, and know when we are talking to each other.

Fireflyaway

In a previous post I said my opinion was if the guy is good in all other respects he should be forgiven. That doesn't mean what he did was OK ! Of course it isnt. However doesnt it need to be kept in proportion? He was clearly flirting and went behind his wife's back re the messaging but unless im missing something he hasn't slept with the ex colleague or had an affair. So is the consensus that the whole family should be destroyed? There are 3 kids involved. We all make mistakes and I do feel his actions were really wrong but splitting up ? Seems a bit strong.

Pollycat

Fireflyaway wrote: »

In a previous post I said my opinion was if the guy is good in all other respects he should be forgiven. That doesn't mean what he did was OK ! Of course it isnt. However doesnt it need to be kept in proportion? He was clearly flirting and went behind his wife's back re the messaging but unless im missing something he hasn't slept with the ex colleague or had an affair. So is the consensus that the whole family should be destroyed? There are 3 kids involved. We all make mistakes and I do feel his actions were really wrong but splitting up ? Seems a bit strong.

It depends on whether this guy really does want to make his relationship work and can convince his partner that he won't ever do it again.
After all, it's not the first time he's done it.
He's been caught once before but who knows if that's the only time he's texted women behind his partner's back.

And it depends whether OP feels she can trust him again or if she is willing to accept a relationship where she is constantly looking for signs that he's at it again.

No, splitting up doesn't seem a bit strong to me at all.

Wickedkitten

Fireflyaway wrote: »

In a previous post I said my opinion was if the guy is good in all other respects he should be forgiven. That doesn't mean what he did was OK ! Of course it isnt. However doesnt it need to be kept in proportion? He was clearly flirting and went behind his wife's back re the messaging but unless im missing something he hasn't slept with the ex colleague or had an affair. So is the consensus that the whole family should be destroyed? There are 3 kids involved. We all make mistakes and I do feel his actions were really wrong but splitting up ? Seems a bit strong.

That's funny. The only reason why he hasn't slept with her is probably because she didn't want him. Why should she be the one to have to hold the family unit together after he has been the one going out of his way to destroy it?

FatVonD

The fact he immediately told the other woman that he'd deleted all other messages says to me that there had been other, more incriminating, stuff on there and he was giving her the heads up not to admit to any more than she had to.

It is up to you whether you decide to stay with him or not, OP, but you deserve the WHOLE truth on which to base your decision, not to be taken (even further) for a fool by him only telling you as little as he can get away with.

globetraveller

feeling_sad wrote: »

Her boyfriend didn't and still doesn't know. She asked me not to tell him if she answered all of my questions..., 🤔 I'm not out to ruin her relationship like she has mine so I've not said anything. I just don't know if what she told me was the whole truth but she seemed genuine enough.

Yes. When I said that of course her boyfriend knows, I was being sacastic. It just doesn't come across so well in print. They were clearly not just innocent friends.

Diary

It's incredibly rude of you to drag a painful really old thread up. Reported.

Gloomendoom

Diary wrote: »

It's incredibly rude of you to drag a painful really old thread up. Reported.

It might be a good idea to delete your post, or at least the post you quoted. Otherwise the spam still is still there.