I find this a bit odd

CRANKY40

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Certainly don't send her one wishing her a happy or merry Christmas!

Yes that.....my husband died in October 2009, his funeral was in November then the following month the "Merry Christmas" cards started dropping through the door. I put them all in the bin.

HB58

duchy wrote: »

Having done a bit of research it is indeed convention in Ireland and still very much the done thing.

It does make me laugh when people are so sure because they don't do something it can't possibly be others do things differently.

Or when people think that what they do is common to everyone else too.

We all have different backgrounds and traditions. Add to that the effects of grief and pretty much anything goes. My attitude in this kind of situation is that anything that's OK by the closest family is OK by me.

Whilst it might be the tradition in some places for the newly bereaved not to send cards (and I can well understand why this might be) and the thought of cards saying <merry Christmas' might be too much to bear, can I please ask people not to ignore their bereaved family and friends?

People who have suffered loss often say that one of the hardest things is that people they thought were friends no longer contact them. In fact, sometimes they seem to cross the street to avoid them

fierystormcloud

I have never heard of any hard and fast rules that say you cannot and must not celebrate Christmas soon after a close family member dies. I have asked several Irish people I know, and they say THEY have never heard of this either.

To the people who say it's tradition, normal, convention (especially in Ireland apparently,) to not observe Christmas right after a close family member's death, and have done 'lots of research' etc etc; can you provide proof/facts/links to back up your claims?

Because like many people on this thread, I have never heard of it either. Surely it would be up to the individual person/family how they cope with their loss and grief?

One lad I knew (several years ago) lost his mother when he was only 23, and he went out on the lash that night, went to Blackpool for the day 2 days later, then after her funeral, he went on a planned and paid for trip to Spain.

He also had judgemental eyes looking at him and saying it wasn't 'proper' to do all this. Why the hell anyone thought it was their business just eluded me! How DARE anyone dictate how someone else copes with the death of a loved one?! :mad:

Shame on them.

honeypop

CRANKY40 wrote: »

Yes that.....my husband died in October 2009, his funeral was in November then the following month the "Merry Christmas" cards started dropping through the door. I put them all in the bin.

I think this shows how different everyone is with grieving, and that no 'way' is the right way to deal with someone.

My friend's husband passed away last November, and she was pleased to receive 'normal' Christmas cards, as she wanted life to carry on as normally as possible over the Christmas period and for people to treat her as they would have before, rather than avoid talking about it or change their behaviour.

NBLondon

duchy wrote: »

Christmas decorations also don't get put up within the mourning period of a year either.

You do know that Victoria isn't the queen any more don't you?


As many have said - the expectations of family and upbringing are very variable and in a state of grief, some people will cling to what they think is the "done thing" as a distraction and others will think " to hell with that - this is what feels right for me and mine". It does seem a little odd to change back to maiden name quickly - but it may be right for her (she didn't really want it in the first place; there were problems in the marriage that had been hidden).


The best you can do is follow the advice about being supportive and remember that the pace of grief is highly personal too.


We lost a close friend unexpectedly last December. What were supposed to be the Christmas presents for him and his family are still in our spare room - because it really didn't feel right to hand them over when his funeral was on the 22nd. We decided to let the widow decide the pace of getting back to normal (or as near as can do).

duchy

Conventions are just that , some people like to follow conventions , others are less conventional. For example there is a convention that people wear smart clothes in sober colours to funerals. Unless told otherwise by the immediate familyfew people would roll up in torn jeans and Day glow orange shirts but would play it safe and dress according to the convention of funeral attire.

Maybe my viewpoint is different because I was raised by parents of two entirely different religions so grew up knowing not everyone does things the same way and that conventions really matter to some people and mean little to others so it's always safer to err on the side of caution in the absence of the bereaved stating otherwise and follow their conventions even if they are not mine.

duchy

honeypop wrote: »

I think this shows how different everyone is with grieving, and that no 'way' is the right way to deal with someone.

My friend's husband passed away last November, and she was pleased to receive 'normal' Christmas cards, as she wanted life to carry on as normally as possible over the Christmas period and for people to treat her as they would have before, rather than avoid talking about it or change their behaviour.

If someone had made that clear I'd send a card but I'd be careful not to go for a Merry type card and choose something like a snow scene saying seasons greetings or a card with a religious theme if I knew they believed . Often though people just send cards without thinking about the context .

Alwayspurple

My husband died of a cardiac arrest on way to work (age 47, I was 33).
He was in ICU in a coma for a week. As he'd hurt his face when fell the police were considering if he'd been attacked. So had all his personal effects.

He hadn't been attacked in the end.
Turned machines off a week after. Police returned his wallet etc. I found the photo of another woman in his wallet (he'd had an affair before but that has ended some years before).

Floored. I'd lost him had two girls under 4 to look after. Found out about betrayal and couldn't even shout at or hug him anymore.

This was complex. Hated and loved him whilst arranging funeral.

As others have said. Grief does odd things. The practical stuff to do is hard. I had lots of help. It's a blur. Your head is all over the shop. And mundane things like shopping or fiddling with Facebook like you'd do everyday normally. Keep you ticking over.

I'd think nothing odd about this at all x

missbiggles1

honeypop wrote: »

I think this shows how different everyone is with grieving, and that no 'way' is the right way to deal with someone.

My friend's husband passed away last November, and she was pleased to receive 'normal' Christmas cards, as she wanted life to carry on as normally as possible over the Christmas period and for people to treat her as they would have before, rather than avoid talking about it or change their behaviour.

My husband died last October and I didn't bother me too much what anybody sent but several posters on the MSE "widows thread" said it really upset them getting cards wishing them a Happy or Merry Christmas and I certainly thought less of the people who sent those because they'd been so unthinking.

It's so easy (and normal) to have cards saying Season's Greetings, I don't see why anybody would want to take the risk of offending anybody by deliberately choosing the other, less appropriate, messages.

hazyjo

Bloke at work has just lost his dad - I sent him a message and he said a bit about it, then said 'enough of this humbug - roll on Christmas!'.


As said, we're all different and I try not to judge on what others think is acceptable. It's not necessarily thoughtless just because it's not what you'd do.


I don't like it when people tell me my dad's watching me or looking down on me. I actually find it upsetting. I wouldn't tell that person though as I'd find that more offensive as they're only saying what they think is right or nice. I certainly wouldn't hold it against them and take it in as nice a way as I could.


Jx